a word form our sponcer, IZM

I dont feel like being serious and spiritual and babbling for a while. I feel artistic and prolific about my blog. I want to have a sit down rap with my reader(s). For a while i wont be doing much talking about what i think about religion, and other peoples ideas of god, or their ideas about what they think about my ideas of god.

I want to present pieces of my "fantasy" experiences of this god. If i was a schizophrenic one might imagine that the following are me Chronicles of madness. I like to pretend that i got to play out my fantasy of having the perfect masters and the perfect learning environment and the best of instruction. Which is far better than a fantasy of being eaten alive by worms if i do say so myself.

I have 12 books, covering nine years of my interactions and intergrations with myself and with my spirit guides.

And i like to fantasies these records show a progression. Of what end the end i hardly know but in simple psychological-like terms it was intensive therapy and my quest for sanity.

I am not engaged in these types of "meditations" anymore. In the Fantasy's own terms one might say i have graduated, i have my Reformer's Licence now.

I interact with god and spirit and reality and life freely, and do have my occasional battles with my will. Partitculary concerning my addiction. (gasp! no not the izm guru bitch.... yes even she, loves that Herb)

The follow series of my life and times represent a time of progress but still i haven't complete victory. Sheesh all i want to accomplish is to have the stuff and NOT HAVE TO use it. Should be a simple thing for Le Gu'ru Extraordinaire, but it isn't. And i wont lie to you. I am torn up between narcissistic delusion and reality can bite at any time. I call it my checks and balances mentally.

But any way, these notebooks are numbered and collaborated by a code only i know. Some have titles/themes. But the earlier work is scattered, and i have former works that i had foolishly gotten rid of for Jebus' sake and i do regret the loss now.

But i have enough to describe much of what i like to pretend has been my spiritual path.


I studied alot but i dont retain direct "scholarly" information. My mind isnt wired that way. I just absorb. I take in information and think over it slowly but understand it fast.
I just know things. And most of the time when i read it is not like learning it is most akin to remembering having learned that.

As a child i used to daydream and wish that i could attain a thing i called, Total Recall. Where i would only remember everything i learned in school or studying, and some form of that is my experience today.

Oh, lately i have been reading a wicked evil nasty vile book called.... "The Guru Papers"
I only mean by those words that it is a GREAT! WONDERFUL! book.

IT is a foil to guru's, it explains their psychology, that of authoritarian control and narcissism and having to play the role of "gods special fart of consciousness"

It is a DANGER to fool yourself into guruing others. *makes mental note that she'll ignore later, stating such would NEVER happen to her ....snickers*


Ya see what i mean!

Be your own guru and dont fall for the crap your ego comes up with. Foil yourself.
Remember submission but dont pervert it.

Anyway........what was i talking about?

The following episodes are a fantasy about being in a zen monastery-like environment with "justine's" parents and played out in their suburban home but also simultaneously in the real earth realm and in the form of a written meditation and diary of a day in the life of....

Now currently i do not do notebook writing. SO if anyone thinks that is some weird thing to spend days writing in a note book, yeah it was but at least it wasn't as bad an Ezekiel had it.........HAHAHHAHA you are gonna remember the way your talking to me when GOD does it to you; your way............so laugh it up buddy..........yeahh yeah I am the nut freak weirdo but........you wait your turn for "realing" things up.


*resumes posture*

Once upon a time i had some one who played the stories out with me, but he had to quit. SO i had to do it for myself, ya know? And i found that alone the while thing is impotent and leads to frustration and the romanticising of real authority dominance and submission cant be satisfied for me, and it becomes a perverted and totally southern charka's experience i rather not mind melt into anymore.

Besides you would not believe what Carol has become in my imagination.

but DAMN BO ..................SHE IS HOTTTTTTTT


*blushes*