Saturday, May 31, 2008

Totally Exitential Dude. Part one

Ladies and Gentle Readers, please allow me to introduce Sir Uber-mind. Aka my Psychosis.

James- Good evening. How would you like to proceed with this interview?

Izm- Well, i am not sure yet. I mean what would any human have to ask from you?

James- I answer them all accordingly. But what is it that you want to ask?

Izm- Some people say you are illusion.

James- I am.

Izm- Please explain.

James- I exist in part, not in a tangible whole. As one that is aware must be aware in the nowness of any realm of conscious existence. i exist as each of you exist. As Reason, As fantasy, As subjective , as objective, as delusion as truth as also the absence of measure of truth.

Yet *I* am none of these things. I am of no solid interpretation, no image. All things may or may not contain me.

Izm- whoa... chill out dude.

James- Sorry about that. It is maddening to have to keep trying to explain myself. I am complicated, and personal. Yet not individual. For example.....

"""" quotes from his diary one evening on top of the desert mount....." I am that I hang on Moses....And unto i am as ye are therefore be ye holy as i am holy cow, is that fucktard editing? This is gonna take for ever.""""""

Izm- Well, i guess that explains the ever present Dom/sub theme and the saredism. Respect/reverence you seem to demand in all the religions. I suppose one cant simply ask God why, because as far as reason go, there are myriad. Which is true for us, and from which angle of interpretation?

James- and now, you must 'chill dude'

Izm- Indeed.

James- Do you have anymore questions?

Izm- *scoffs* Yeah, What to you think?

James-Rotflmao Ya know? This way people can * see* your imaginary friend. isn't that what you want?

Izm- i want.....humm.... Well i want to know for sure.... am i indeed just talking to myself, or is it some form of *god* or is it schizophrenia?

James- Ah! The Holy Trinity.

You are simply asking yourself the trilema. A philosophical question that you cannot
Answer for yourself with out sacrificing your private enjoyment of your expression of faith. without , as it where , throwing yourselves to the wolves in order to test your reason.

In other words , you are afraid to be caught living, believing and defending your spiritual world view because someone will think it is a mental illness. And you would be forced to try again. This is a foolish fear. You cannot Enlighten the world. Stop trying to convince them.

Izm- I agree. * duh* but This interview isn't about me. We are discussing you! so back off.
I bet in some religions that would be considered blasphemy. What do you think, Sir?

James- I think it is important to openly express yourself to and with god. Prayer and Worship are meant to be means to get knowledge of the most enjoyable expression of your personal lives's meaning.

Izm- But Sir. Many humans do not understand the, or rather *your* meaning concerning what is worship and why do you want it? Are you a ego maniac Psycho Child! * bows*

James- smiles... ponders

Alright, one last question. Make it a good one.

Izm- But you haven't answered.

James- I did. As i am *god* and purportedly can * know the end form the beginning* I will have had already foreknown and in reverse order answered your questions. Only you must seek my meaning. I have answered all over the world. But you must accept the living. It is not because of the argument that IF i was the christian god i would want to listen to your blabber for my ego's sake. But that if i was the Christian God i should have wanted to people united with me. To observe a people who knew me and conspired to achieve the highest civilisation to emulate the best of Me, to in other words to praise themselves as much. In Your image god's ego is only bested by your own. Come, let us reason together.

Izm- um... you just answ-...... no that's not my question.....

James- *winks*

Izm- (((sits back, inhales and meditates for my readers sake....a good question)))

(((What, *i ponder*, why.....hum..... what would human readers want to know most? what have i always questioned... why are humans so blind and stupid in mass doses?)))

Why cant you just MAKE US wake up? Make us that thing you wanted (or that is that we perceived that you want) in the first place!

James- Child i have! And i try but you are stubborn people.
You already are able to wake up and chose rightly. But you cannot seem to get everyone to decide just how. You are emotional and one-minded. Argh! Just live as you know is right. Some of you do and some of you don't and all in varying degrees. It is a shame , its pretty bad in the world. But it is your own dishonesty and greed and closed power oriented mindfulness destroys you. Hatred destroys you NOT me.

I made you to become so much more. Beyond rules and kissing my ass. And Beyond greedy corruption. Other civilisations in this universe have done better then you because you cling to the vile mentalities and debts. What good are you to each other as a race? Who among you is still beautiful and Nobel? Have you forgotten *pure in conscious* and massively chose blindness and impotence? And blame me oh the impudence.

Just LOOK! at what you have done to my earth, to my sky and my waters. You have spurned goodness in favor of greed, it is not me, you SHITS!

Why do you not fix your own problems!

Isaiah chapter XX verse XX (paraphrased)

Izm- WHOA!..... i can see your are upset. um.. lets try a different Line of reasoning....

James- Amen. wrath just doesn't cut it. Anything of hatred is false. I just wish more humans respected themselves and cared for the noble and the wise more offtian. Fine! Don't worship *me*. We will deal with that later. But please, take care of each other. And seek to live in truth and joy. Seek harmony even if you chose not to find me.

Izm- James, come one... with the melodrama....sheesh.

James- fine,

Izm- after our break we will open the "phone lines" to anyone in blog land that might want to ask god to explain himself some more.

(((((Justine says.....seems my idea of *god* blames humanity for its own mistakes. Just as the good atheist must ultimately blame himself/humanity. Seems religion is about about balancing the blame game. And some religions *simply* stop the chatter and practice the living it. But not all humans WANT TO. And i don't know why. But as long as we exist in such a fractured state we will never be able to * prove god* and follow any kind of symbolence of what would be concidered godly by human standards. Enough to di-sting-wish wether or not they are false and non existant.)))))

Saturday, May 17, 2008

No! I'll tell you what it is.

My first woohoo spiritual epiphany came while listening to an Olivia Newton John song. "we are magic"

When the song first come on I felt the "presence" of Lanel and i perceived/pretended that she was singing the words to me. In that moment it was as if god Herself came to give me courage. Unprovoked, mind you, by any specific yearning on my part. I cant remember what exactly i was doing when it happened. I was either cleaning my room to music or i was praying as usual for help overcoming my sins.

Someday i might go thru and hash out some of the philosophy that song inspired in me, but not now.

To iterate how i came to realise that i was and do sing to myself in songs and hymns and spiritual songs by imagining god in the detail although he is obscured in the definitions.

Indeed yesterday it was the goddess giving me a message of love and guidance but today i know it is Reason that sings the songs of reality.

Not my naked reason alone but the higher reason the applied reason and the ability to take other's reason int o account while trying to build my "faith" that i am really seeking true truth. Some kind of universal truth.

I cannot yet explain how but, the notion of a something truth that is true for all is flawed.

The reality is not fixed even by god's estimation, because god is all awareness at once. Therefore there can be no end all correct-ness-hood of any being that perceives.

(pauses- i lost my whole damn mind trying to explain mind=god .... bias to view = religion, culture, personality..... Unknown , Undefined,all knowledge that words fail to describe = GOD)

Ah forget it!

Point is No i am not just showing off, and it isnt just pride. I happened to have believed you to be an intelligent and well-grown Christian and was seeking some help from you.

You mocked when i said that i could not help it is i was intelligent. Woman! You dont even KNOW!

The really real smart people see me as a snotty teenager trying to break into the grow-up talk. And dont talk much to me because of all the time it would take to educate me on the basic ideas they toss about so fluently.

I have naught to be proud of except maybe i am eloquent sometimes.


I have been thinking about it and the desire to "confess" is passing. The need to validate my mind or make sure someone does not misinterpret me, is fading.

Bodhidharma warned of the need to let go of Praise, Blame , and Explain.

I am thinking that maybe i don't need to try out all my thoughts on real people, but i can be confident of myself and want to hang out at Ex-Christian to think out loud and practice sharpening skills. Because my Readers, ahem, are not trying to tare me apart. Thank you kindly.

Maybe i am not really saying anything and maybe i am really just stupid. (self delusion and loneliness do not mix) Comes the slippery Slope of Nihilism.

Reason, Self Awareness, believe as you understand.

Sangha, Buddha, Dharma

Creator, destroyer, preserver

Father, Son, Holy Ghost.

There are many gospels and there are mean reasons.

I find that i cannot refute anything anyone says about the nature of reality (barring the ridiculous of course) Because I, myself am making it up or learning what it is as i go along. As where the theologians, and Atheists, and Philosophers, and Practitioners, and Prophets of all time.

God as a THING to be objectified and to cling to thru mythology does not exist.

(Brother , that really hurts..... why come i still pray to so and so ?)

god as a metaphor for something or some total ideal or some purity of mind, an iconic representation of the best , the most perfect, the ideal personified does exist. In many forms and interpretations, yet it.... It's Self is one thing undefined.

Paradox Alert!

Maybe paradox means shut the fuck up.

That's the end of it.

That's the wit's end.

SO now to deal with why i am attached to the ass of god people.

i shouldn't be. I want out quietly and cleanly. yet there seems to be an irritation to do so.

Hey! Do you believe in psychics?

Only when they are mostly right.

Ok then......

A psychic might advise that the hesitation indicates warning.

And Atheist might chose one of theses.......

Shut the fuck up.

Your deluded.

Just leave already.

..... or .....

Maybe you are unconsciously aware of some mistake or unfinished business and arent ready to leave. As reconverting in the first place served as a means to fully test things out and really explore with your eyes open and You are exploring making up your mind.

Wait! If just answered myself and said i was quoting an atheist i an Atheist?

oh Gawd.

AM i really an atheist?

What am i uncomfortable with?

i fear to say........


Naw, i am just brainwashed by

I cant dig them atheists that spout off "God is imaginary and you are deluded if you are spiritual."

I mean perhaps a close scrutiny of my own thoughts might suggest I believe that too. Or in some reasons agree to a cirten extent.

Am i breaking the law of contradiction?

Maybe i am not smart enough to know.

Guess what! Minds fluxuate. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Better to not cling and just be alive.

Well i got me some thoughts to stop thinking

Be blessed.

End of Blog Part One.

The author has no idea the format of the blog henceforth other than she plans to try her debate and logical reasoning hand in the privacy of her uncontested blog sphere. For practice like a shadow boxer, before i try out my mental powers on unsuspecting believers.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Ex-christian partial testimonal 2

This is an old post form another blog that i once alluded my reader toward but thought this much bore re-stating on its own. .........

I do mean to post a little something about "Buddhism to me" but i haven't figured out how to present it yet, what i have in my heart is not completely text book learned.

But first i want to disclose a bit about my spiritual life.

I have been a christian since i was 13, i had been going to church since i was 8 , my parents where pretty much atheist, with my mother being ex christian and anti church.... IT was challenging growing up, but still i could approach my mother with thoughts.

I had always been told by christian mentors that if i could be a "committed christian" i could "win her over by my behavior". Talk about the weight of the world. I made it my mission to try to be a christian she could not object to, and by and by that turned into..... gee let me find a religion, ANY religion she could not object to....

So i have been a fervent spiritual seeker ever since i could think for myself. In search of True Truth. I would work on the biblical characteristics I saw lacking in Christians, love, gentleness, wisdom................ WISDOM being my favorite. When i struggled with faith, and lack of victory, they would tell me the whole spiel about i could do nothing on my own , wait on the lord, and many other cliches.

One day i got very tired of waiting on Jesus, when i discovered there where religions like Buddhism that made people good, kind, lonsuffering , noble, etc. I decided not to wait on Jesus anymore and go seek to do what i could do on my own to obey the Lord better. My First bible verse was "cast all your care upon him, for he cares for you". My First Buddha verse was "All that we are is made up of our thoughts, it is founded on our thoughts and made up form our thoughts. If you think and act with a good thought goodness follows, and likewise an evil thought, evil follows."

I had a bumpy christian life, imagine living with near rabid atheists, telling me why they did not believe. I avoided hearing allot of what they said , and considered the more poignant things such as the mechanics of brainwashing. That i paid attention to. And that is saw in the structure of church and the way people used the bible. I wanted to be an apologist once upon a time. I was going to answer all those difficult questions that i had about the bible for other people, because i found the standard christian defense rather unsatisfying.

I was really thrown for a loop when, one day while reading a book called "the bible of the world" which had the religious texts of every religion from Babylon to Zoroastrian, i found the Babylon texts where nearly identical with Genesis. And the best answer i could get for that was... " the devil knew in advance how the plan would work out and made those false religions to throw us off when the REAL Jesus came." Told to me with a fully assured straight face .That was a first seed in my religious doubt. SO i dug into my apologetics, Cs Lewis, Josh McDowell, etc..... i wrote a mini thesis (much plagiarized) defending Christianity, my faith hanging on by mere strings. I showed it to a body i was trying to convince of my faith via the Internet, he said nice things about my work, and sent me to look some other things up.

SO i looked at the then young and uprising infidels dot org. MY faith cracked like the hoover dam. ALL the questions i had where blantenly challenged and tested. I took a few hard looks into the origins of my religion, and many of my fears where confirmed. I literally was on my face begging god to not let my faith die. That was oh about 1997 ish. but in 2000 ish Loneliness caused me to forget all that, and reconvert so i could be with people, i joined a Word of Faith group......*rolls eyes*

THAT soon as i started taking in their teachings, reason reared its ugly head, i thought they had a few things not biblically correct, so i researched, tried to question the leader, finally left them. ( my very first tongue talking time they all gathered round me to cast *the spirit* out, and i was very offended, to my mind i was speaking of the joy of the lord)

All during that time i was also exploring Zen Teachings. And after that experience i gave into Zen and started practicing and also studying Hinduism. Religions lost their appeal to me, i was looking for a relationship with god and to apply the best teachings from everywhere to that end. By and by i Met my best friend, and we learned from each other, even being different faiths, we where spiritual equals.

SO i gave the Church another try; i reconverted in 2006. I thought i could help people. I had learned allot during my times away form the church, i learned how to cure my depression, how to observe my mind ( and others minds), i learned many spiritual truths. Most of all i learned how to walk with god. For me faith was no feat. Faith and to wait on god was just to observe the flowing of life.

The pastor would talk about growing faith and i was confused, because faith in god was a given, i had learned to watch god move, and to accept life as i have it, no need to fret over a thing anymore, good bad or ugly i looked for a lesson that would bring me further in my understanding.

But i saw again, the church isn't about expedients. They don't care about independence, they don't wanna hear about learning or methods for us doing our parts to die to sin. I saw hero worship, i saw nothing mystical (meaning learning life lessons from Jesus and growing in knowledge of god) ...... I took a longer and harder look at the history of my faith, and at the real teachings of the bible, and started to let go of church and Christianity. My Christianity died.

My liberation grew. Now rather than quote to you what you could google for yourself, i will tell you what attracts me to Zen. It is the little orange robes..... No it was how that when i started reading my little zen books, those dead zen dudes knew exactly what was going on inside my head.

Them dead dudes knew my psychology. It is not about religion, it is not about the mental violence of conformation. It is about discovering the real and the root of your awareness. To wit, i will quote three small teachings.

ONE: " Your guard a spiritual thing; it isnt something you could make, and it isnt something you can describe. In this ground of ours, there is no Buddha, no Nirvana, and no path to practice, no doctrine to actualize. The way is not within existence, or non-existence - what method would on then practice? This abundant light, where ever you are, in every situation, is itself the great way."

TWO: "Mystic understanding of truth is not perception or cognition. That is why it is said that you arrive at the original source by stopping your mind, so it is called the enlightened state of being as is, the ultimately independent free individual."

THREE: "The body of truth is not constructed;it does not fall into any category. Truth is unshakable; it does not depend on the six senses. Therefore scripture says Buddha nature is constant, while mind is inconstant. That is the sense in which knowledge is not the way and mind is not Buddha. For now, do not say mind is Buddha; do not understand in terms of perception and cognition. This thing originally does not have all those names."


PS. I guess for all intents and purposes i am now an apostate. ( naw i am GREAT apostate, lol) But the one thing remained constant, i still have my relationship with the Lord. He still guides me and visits when i pray. In fact God is the only thing that remains no matter what i have studied. go figure!

Am i Just showing off?

Dear Reader,

It is difficult for me to have my entire struggle to comunicate ideas lightly cast aside by the judgmental suggestion that i "think too much" "am trying to show how smart i am" and have "a swollen pride and lack humility."

I admit i have some enjoyment in the fact that i am smart but i surely dont go about trying to BE smart to make you feel bad. I try to case my thought in the simplest terms and take into concideration your level. Oh how condecending of me.

I crave your feed back, i want nothing more than to learn and to comunicate. But you will ask me what is my motive?

My motive? um....all i can say i my motive is to understand the heart of god better and grow in wisdom...............

she said.... you dont grow in wisdom god gives it to you. I conceeded rather than try to get into why my skin crawled when she said that. Yes but, god may give the wisdom and you acted on it without question but then god also gave the revealing and growing in understanding of that wisdom...(i didnt finish the thought.........then after understanding you could grow in the use of wisdom.)

she seems to have a problem with my notion of anyone having their own wisdom.

I guess that is ye olde "man is nothing good" christian mentality.

And i cant seem to converse with anyone in church past that barrier.

So with another person i tried to introduce the subject of maybe the bible doesnt teach hell. I have made studies and notes we could go over. It would take a long time of friendly discussion. But no invitation yet to get together on the issues.

And i sadly realised that what i am seeking really is conversations with devonverts and atheists.

But i am too chicken shit there to express myself also.

So i gots to ask is just me.?!

When She, who incidently is not the "this person" with whom i wish to speak....This perosn did however evesdrop over my shoulder as i struggled to explain to she.

She did ask me....what is it that i am trying to discuss without an argument.

Excelent question.

I told her that i am not sure how i can answer that. I agree when we talk of the simplisity of the spiritual life in christ and that heady matters of theology and doctrine dont matter.

we dont disagree. But i have issues with the bible being the word of god. How could i possibly have that conversation without an argument. it is a pasisonate subject.,
You would point me to pastor. But i tried talking with him.

IN that we cirtenly disagree. There is no way will be able to get into real thougths about why i could come to these is all lightly cast off as pure devil work.

To be stifled and never heard.

To be walled in and cast out.

and this whole thing makes me angery to try to talk around.

And in their minds they praise jesus and would tell me cant effect me becasue the holy spirit constrains you.

i mean just how can you argue with that?

forget argue how can you comunicate with that?

I wish i could. I mean as people we agree on the mechanics but call each other lost if we discuess that nature of the absolutes.

why am i not allowed to ask?????? does the bible tell me not to.

sure it does............let no man spoil you with vain deceit. or debates and rangleing about words which profit nothing. ARGH! why such limitation to thinking?

Should i even try to challenge him on the idea of biblical universalism? ( god saves all in the end)

would that make us enemies? sure it would just as soon as he understands that my other questions run into the blasphmous.

SHe asked me if i am just showing off....holy cow! i am afraid to even broch a subject becasue you will belive that it is christ that shuts me up.

Is it that they cant understand other points of veiw or that it is safe to just not to?

Forgive me for having thought of stuff that takes a good vocabulary to express, and even that fails miserably.

(pauses to gather thinks)

SHIT i am not really smart anyway. i merely samlpe alot of information and think broadly and simplify things after i have a gernal understanding of them. i dont take up alot of brain space memorising all the references and facts and figures to proove myself to others or to impress them. Rather I study them in depth, make a determination or two concerning them, and move on to the next topic that interests me, along the way seeking to discuss my conclusions ect.
I suck at debating or discussing my ideas becasue i cant qualify them on the spot, and would be beside myself to try to research references to keep handy for all my oppions and theories.

I think alot and retain alot but dont save alot of hard data.

I wonder if she would accuse me of false humility.

I wanted to ask what is the defineing line between just being intelligent and knowing it and being a pompus ass? i guess that would be in so far as your "audience" isn't lost or impressed.

Up front, i dont care about being admired, even if i do enjoy being corrected as well as given kudos. i dont seek kudos. i seek learning or shareing or enjoyment of life and spirit.
I am caught in the trap of if i say i am humble then i am not. Perhaps i am not then.

Fine i conceed but i assure you i am not after the petty pride of which you accuse me.

I dream of being told i am intelligent and validated. but it is not my mean. my Mean is pureifying the mind. AH but to YOU that carries a different meaning.

To you it means to ...........

((perhaps here i would be unfair and may be turning she into a straw man))

See this is where i get tripped up. maybe i dont have an arguement with HER> and therefore no argument to have.

SO why do i get SO conflicted when i try to talk in church or speak spiritaully?

Its like i want to just have the arguments. Like to run evreything by someone.

That is incorrect action.

I am behaving incorrectly and that is why proper comunication isnt takeing place.

i have nothing to dump on them and to try is to be, well i guess obnoxious.

I crave to feel like i can be a christian but really my words are different and i have great troubles with cognitive dissnence.

You say i have no peace in chruch because christ is convicting me some how.
i must disagree for reasons i cant ligthly throw out in a defence. I have no peace becasue i am stifled somehow with connecting spiritaully with the people and the teachings.

It may very well be the issues is with me. I can accept that

but how so?....

i let my words rush out, i try too hard, i am scared of being smart. I want meaning full conversation but get uncomfortable when your philosophy is always jesus and word of god.

i cringe not because i fear the word of god...but because you mean that book. or any book you should mean. the word of god is power i agree........but to agree would only put to mind the verse about how even the devils knows truth but does not believe/obey it.

You think that my mind is shut yet i have continiously showed an openness and a concideration of many things and even a teachableness.

SO my argument, that i cant express to an individaul is acatully not with them but with WHAT....i precieve them to believe. And it is unwise to brooch a subjec ton someone who is not wanting to think it.

Or what their expressions of faith and doctrinal advice and bible verse walls cause in my gut for a rejecting gagging reaction.

And you will think it is the devil in me that cannot stand the teching of true doctrine.
When it is the human in me that cant stand the chains on my spirital reasoning. But you cant see the limitations i am argueing that you have and i cannot say that you indeed have them becasue you are my strawman for she.


No wonder excorsisims work so well, whent he devils hears a Christian is comming they say of never fucking mind i dont wanna be there THAT long.

Those points i cannot argue them personally about. I mean how does one proove they are not the spawn of satan?

Or that they are not merely trying to be impressive? What kind of an person would even ask themselves questions concernign the level of their obedience to humility anyway?

Oh lord its hard to be humble..... when your perfect in every way... and luckilly you may be saved by the grace of his perfection.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

This Masqurade

From the Gospel according to Leon Russel, "This Masquerade"

Are we really happy with this lonely game we play,
Looking for the right words to say?
Searching but not finding -- understanding anyway,
We're lost in this masquerade.

Both afraid to say we're just too far away
From being close together from the start.
We try to talk it over, but the words got in the way
We're lost inside this lonely game we play.

Thoughts of leaving disappear each time I see your eyes,
And no matter how hard I try To understand the reason why we carry on this way
We're lost in this masquerade.

We try to talk it over, but the words got in the way
We're lost inside this lonely game we play.
We're lost in a masquerade.

And we're lost....... in a masquerade.

I feel so mental. bad PMS i guess. I what very badly to tell this one christian person things i think and feel about my spirituality. But just by perusing thru christian literature and listening to the things the people, whose names she drops as her instructors.......i just know there is no proper language for me to explain how i can believe in the bible when she uses a verse to discuss her faith............and cannot believe in the bible as the infallible word of god, when seen by the outside literal and total reality.

Yes i can grove on a sweet parable form the Lord, but i can still think perhaps he is a metaphor for some kind of becoming the sons of god ourselves.

Christianity does not seem to make NOW a priority.

They say loverly swelling things about what Christ DID......and what he WILL do........and speak in vain empty ideals of getting to know christ.....YET..............they also deny anything mystical, and personal, and keep the teaching of the holy spirit limited.

I dont think knowing god is a matter of following the other sheep but following the voice of the shepherd........but sure sure they think thats what they are doing.

They follow someone who tells them what to believe and what not to believe. Rather than to try the spirits themselves and get to know the holy spirit god gave THEM to be their teacher.


I was thinking ..ok so i would quietly just not go back to church. But i went on Sunday.

And i was emotional and crying and wanting to just talk about it with someone.

but couldn't ya all comes out in blabbers of .........*i dont believe.... or i just dont know*
Which i am sure came off as if i am struggling with your common run of the mill little doubt demon. All i need to do is pray the devil out of me and i wont have a rational doubt in my mind. But these are deep deep DEEP spiritual doubts about the bill of goods your buying sister. My god seems so SO SO much better then that churchy one. WHO do you KNOW?

But i know more than what i am saying i dont know about ..just each topic i have "issue" with would take about a month of explaining.

I want to have a real face to face. Whether we get spiritual and in the Spirit,or whether we disagree, to discuss what we know about god verses stuff the bible world view and church-mentality mean.

I dont know. I tried it with the old guy and we know how that turned out.

Besides i swore off conversions.


Apparently the human mind undulates perspective form time to time.

It is not Christ i am wanting so much as i am wanting to share Christ i know but am in great fear about being so "out of the box"

It scares me to be opinionated and express my views.

And also i tend to get a wee bit zealous about the Jesus interpretation I enjoy, such is constant with Christianity, when being dogmatic with my crap is NOT WHAT my crap suggests.

I just dont believe in putting god in a box. Besides you can only put parts of him in a box, never the whole mind of god. There shall always be a way to view things that includes that thing we currently call god.

But see.....i cant go talking like this at a person.

I mean, maybe it comes off well to a reader, but in real life. Imagine i hardly know you and i come and lay this heavy shit on you. You might just forget what you where doing.

I got to play this social game.

It is so hard to break free from "them".

So maybe she will be at an utter loss with how to re-save my twisted soul, and i will finally be asked politely to go.


Does that make a liar out of my "god" who i presumed had instructed me to go to this church and to pray for these people? No, because i have served.

I think, i really need to talk with(at to) this person. I wonder if maybe we share views on some things. BUT then , i am the naive one.

Sometimes while in the presence of a believer i do feel their desire for god, but all to many times it is misguided toward keeping cirten "rules" pious.

DO they think that a thing called truth would be so shallow as ............As what ever. I mean i dont even care about that.

I care about the truths of life, and of the mind and Christianity's limitations on things of god and the corruption of the church and the plain fact that the things of the church itself have many more fruits of evil and appearance of evil than of Christ's teachings.......well doesnt it seem obvious that the church and its methods are not the WAY?

At any rate these people stuck in the churches are still so blinded to cirten things that when the bad anti christ asshole gestapo come knocking and they are asked.....

"Will you renounce christ!"

they will gladly die thinking about their imaginary church jesus.............they would die in vain, a Martyr to something they really cant say they knew well enough to die for. But in blind ambition to give your life because he gave his a fucking Muslim to his 70 virgins.

NO........for that i will not renounce christ........but these christians......dont understand what these bad guys are thinking about when they say "christ" the imagine they hold i would gladly renounce.

And think that the church should renounce its likeness to the image that the atheists see in us.

We do not need our doctrines and holy books to be "authentic" but we do need the Authentic Holy Spirit to rule us. And i believe he comes thru in a true persons character even with out access to the claim of infallibility to our holy book. I believe that the words of the books can be opened even deeper when we let go of our traditional theological methodical indoctrinational churchy methods. That is a dead interpretation of a dead thing. God's word and His wisdom are ever fresh and ever new.......just like the bible says.

Maybe ill just point her to "the blog". But then i am afraid of her telling on me for the mean things i said about Pastor. As if we where all still in the 5th grade.

Ekk i just read that............dang i cant tell her that.........i might get burnt at the stake.

SO i had this emotional break down at church, and they all think it is because gawd is calling me back into the fold.

Well hasnt told me whats up yet so.........i guess it does mean i am not to leave yet.

I seem to recall awhile back being asked to befriend someone. I tried with the old man but he wasnt someone form the church.

I tried getting to know the pastor, but he doesnt discuss much.

And i am scared of This person that i want to talk with. irony would have it.........thats right.... caller please.


see i have another theory.


I am... *ahem* I AM... Nuts ya know.

and dont cirten mental illnesses have this thing for wanting to be found out?

Isnt that the libido-like drive for your more crafty combers and metaphorical dancers?


I am such a recluse. I ought to be cleaning. I am kinda depressed.

Whats on TV tonight?