I called Jerry down after his time was over to have his apology. I read over his proclamations of shame, and what nearly smacked of vows and determinations about the strength of his resolve. But I saw no mention of any root cause of the sudden change in social graces that eventually lead him to his confessions. And no mention of experiences or actions that might have lead him to think his accusations where intelligent. In fact no mention at all of the accusations and why they where incorrect. He failed to meet the objective entirely.
*softly carol... my thoughts warmed over.*
" I accept your sincerity. But I do not accept this apology. You are withholding information and if there is one thing I handle with even less grace than rudeness, it is dishonesty; Basement."
Jerry wobbled and nearly fainted scared out of his mind, but he shouldn't be. He should know exactly what I want from him, and he will tell me.
Upon hearing my order for Jerry's presence George clicked off the tv and scooted closer to Diana who was pretending not to be concerned about Jerry. George was likewise pretending, by pretending that he was casually interested in her newist project. She pretended flattery. And I tried very heard to keep focus on my work, and not giggle at the spawn of puppy love.
But the time I joined Jerry all that changed.
She walked past me as I started to look back she stopped the very air by dragging her desk chair around so that she could sit behind me.
She left the silence to hang over me until it was maddening. Then I heard movement, small rustlings and clicks, and then I smelt.
My gut tensed and my shoulders slumped and even more timed passed.
" This is about pot? Mistress?" I wondered.
"Join me" she replied. And re-arranged the desk and chairs. And actually shared the joint with me. But we didn't talk, I simmered until my mind was still.
"I've been sneaky and secretive about my smoking Mistress. I assume you think it has something to do with my disrespect, please help me."
"I do wonder if what you think is the thing needing questioned. Where have you been this last few weeks?"
"Working on my car, thinking things thru.. " caught myself minimising." and um not letting anyone know that I was smoking."
"I was ashamed. I also didn't want the stigma of everything I wanted to talk about being labeled oh 'it's just Jerry being high.'
"Hold up. Why do you think you would be judged like that here? Didn't I offer you the option to smoke, I had my reasons when I did so. You did not disrespect me because of being high but by presuming to have considered all the facts. But because you where avoiding being found out many things began to go amiss Jerry didn't they?
" But I have another concern to take up with you. How are you paying for your addiction?"
I felt my guts churn intensely now and my skin shrank as her question cut to the quick. "I thought I was going to have a job in a couple months and w-was o-on credit with him." She let shards of time linger on the single word. "Really." and I broke down again.
"A great man once said Self- command can be achieved when obedience to reason becomes habitual. Ritual 3 discipline is not reformation. Jerry when you are ready apologise again."
She dismissed me, still quivering yet my mind calm I paused at the front door and entered the living room again, addressing everyone.
"I want to apologise to all of you for my display. My fault began when I was not forthright about accepting liberty with marijuana that Mistress offered me. i became a liar and a sneak and because of my crutch and withdrawal from company I allowed myself to become obsessed with emotional reasoning. And dishonored myself , disrespected and was rude to the rest of you."