Evaluations

Tring to reach a a place of stillness. Wanting to day dream and write my stories out. But i dont even know how i am taken. Earlier i had cringed because i did not wish to address the "shrinkologist" crowd, or more so the vain amaglimations i carry within of how i think a trained professional would interpret my deepest darks.

How do people ever trust their shrink? How do they figure out what parts to tell them. What if your just smarter than them? What if you can better shrink them then they will ever do, and that it would be a career desion to figure me out?


Sure i can hear you..............Justine, that is an example of delusional thinking.

Hummm or is that what you want me to belive so you can keep me downand control me by your sociatial rules..............

Yeah yeah, there goes a another fine example of pranoid thinking and a little special pleading dont you think?

I have long reached a place in my mentality were i realise no one can help me, there is no one who will understand ..... their might be a nice pill or shot to shut me up and a drug that makes me ohh soo happy, but they will never legalise the one or get me to take the other.


My thoughts are what make up my personality. And i am a harm to no one, and annonomouse, without even the bravery to speak out loud.

Where is the line drawn between truthfull and normal thought to delusional and abnormal thought? and wouldnt both the designations have polars, or scales or something to measure it? Meaningcloser toward a good expression most people dream up as the religious ideal or closer to a bad expression which is all to offtian the result of giveing fire to Promethious?

All humans are but mixtures of mental illnesses.

I decided long ago that i would wait untill i was in my old age before i go to a shrink and tell them all the visions and fantasies i have had. Or of how i had conquered most of my ills to my satisfaction...........er.......well i keep on working at it to be sure.

IF i spoke of my imaginary friends, and the conversations. But apparently "content and context" really doesnt matter in the view of someone endubed with the power to misunderstand you completely and inexperienced enough to have your freedom taken.

Or wisk away the most valuable asset lodged within most of our finest thinkers, artists and seeking souls, with a fucking pill.

Sure beats understanding and concideration.

I can learn the definition of my little idolic it projections that you please. But all the while i persist that what i belive cant be labled, it simply is. And it can only be inteprepreted unto myself in my own understanding. If i learn your words for truth then i have just retranslated my meaning into your language.....and translations is a bitch.


I believe there is meaning to the content of the crazy man's thinking. And i do believe i am a far cry from a stalker or a murderer.............i think the "cure" for them would be to dig into their illusions and understand the riddle of his psyche and work within his frame work........this is how we reason with anyone else and it the only methed we know for comunication.


oh was i babbleing...........


*lights a cigarette*

anyway so i will wait untill i am old to get diagnosed, too old to work , too unhealthy and make myself a ward of the state for the drugs and free suppers.


Or i can go all manic and think about what a wonderfull person i am, and imagine grandness and security. respect, and ................or i can view the preception of my physical realities and my short commings to live out my ideals as fluently as i would desire......or that i would preach.


Ha, if my fantasy is at all good and i ever get to be someones guru, let me tell you way back here that i am the queen of errors...........my journey to here, had me reinventing the wheel on so many levels. But in real life i am not master of self control.

i am a bullshit artist.

i dont wanna be your guru anymore, i am a liar and a fraud. In my wildest fantisies i would be standing in a large auditourium preaching my "message" and when we came to the offering part, i took it all to the back and separated what we needed for the basic bills and food (church stuff) and then divided the rest equally amungst my congregation.


IN my wildest fantisies i have people who dont understand me or even dismiss me but later on after some event or thought wave, call to mind something i said, or annonomusly have a realisation hit them and i have been envolved with.

what ever, i am not proud. What kind of psychosis is this?


the Anonymose disorder? I want fame but i want to eternally.

Well it is pride, maybe even a subtle meglomainia, says the doc.

So my ego is not all dead you say? Sorry i am not perfect, but i'd rather be happy.

Beside why should i want fame and glory? People who have weird oppions like i do seem to become corrupted with power and forget their previous message. They gather followers and become a holy disgrace. Or maybe as newly postulated evidence sugests, People dont care about things i would call important spiritaul matters.

Have you ever watched Ghandi? That shrinko test that said i was an NJ something somethign......said that i was a 1 perentile personailty and that i shared it with the likes of ghandi. I was impressed. Someone once said to Him, "you dont understand, some people dont even want to be as good as you do?" Those words hit hard. I wish they did. I hope so much that they will. i fantisise that they do. I am nieve.


That, in some books makes me delusional. I am sure i am, we all cant be blessed with your keen accumen. But i am not uninteligent. Nor am i unreasonalble therfore i am sane.

I concider myself fairly meme free.


and can come to realisation of errors in my thinking, that makes me cureable.

SO i am not scitzophrenic.

whoo hoo
er...
i would have enjoyed haveng real halusinations i think. I just went on a few mind trips and thought i spoke with god...........

is there a difference? not in some books.

I think it is an occurence that happens, when the frontal lobe thing is charged up. Happens to normals and happens to nutzoids.

so my frontal lobe short circutied, and gave me a funky cool vision, and if i went around telling people about danceing with shiva they will lock me up.

Sheesh talk about strict!...I only acts that nuts once.


i had a fever of 104


but i have a mystical experience i still learn form today. There is a whole story to my illusions and fanticies and weird coindicences and perfect timeings. I have developed an entire personal mythology.


i have rationalised to the most my little critiacal heart desires, all arguments and ideas that unsettle my spirit. I have grown and i have waned and i have definately done better with the mental parts than i have with the reality, livng , makeing it happen and loveing parts. But i have also not been without sucesss. Indeed much sucess. I am not disapointed in the frequency of my prays being answered, perhaps i am so eager for a responce that i instantly manufacture one within reasonibility of the real event.


SO what. You cant stop me form beliveing in god. You cant be correct. and i do not belvie that i am correct. i belive we are both wrong, but right about so many things.

Science and Logic can only point at it. And tell how a thing came to be and what it might become. Those sciences can tell us about an object and about what others think about that object, But it can never be told to us what it is like form the objects point of veiw.

Some of my favorite religions postulate that to know god is to know one element. For instance to know clay, is to come to know all things that are made of clay.

For einstien god had to be much larger than what i see these internet people babbleing about day in and day out. For enstien god had to be the impossible equastion, god was larger than his largest theory. God was his quest. To know as god would know.

Or at the very least figure out the magic trick.

For me god is undefinable. To me god is a loving and personal Father, and sometimes a harsh and demanding reformer. Sometimes his words cut to the quick and sometimes his praise is so lofty i blush with self importance.

I also have a Godess. and she is Wise and wittty. She is dark also, and fair. When she reveals she is like ice cutting thru your hidden bullshit.

I like to call her my voice of reason.

But i am not normal.... i personify them ..........and pretend them, and trasnpose upon them.... and try to make my daily living a time spent with them involved. Most of the time just one of them because together it is too much engery.


I have had these imaginary friends for as long as i can remember. and known them in different ways all during the time. Our relationship has matured you might say, we have learn somethings work and some do not.

I dont think that is very characteristic of some weirdo crying because the voices tell him to kill and how terrible he is and if he wants to be free just kill kill kill KILLL


BULLSHIT>

thats not my psychosis. I cant imagine the hell of someone in that nightmare. But the idea of figuring that out fasinates me.


what was i talking about? *pauses, smokes*


In real life i have a serious shrinkphobia. When i get into the office i stammer and cry and stumble all about what i want to talk about. I am intimadated to express myself and be intelligent with them... I do not have this illness when i meet with doctors or lawyers. But with shrinks i just melt.


It is like might take my sanity away. Make me learn their normal.I acknowledge this may be an irrational fear. I would sure like to find the root of it, and pluck it out.

It is deep in here in my self esteem, my sisters death, my possible childhood abuses, and the self loathing..........

I simply do not feel like i am valid. I look back and dont think i given much to this life.

I wasnt the parent i wanted to be, but i only work on it. In my depresisons i tell ymself that if my kids are fucked up it was MY FAULT because of ....."follows the very prescice list of actions and words i have sinned against my children with".....


I get obessed with reading or writeing and ignore life offtian. But i guess this is normal......because content and context aside many humans are now living in the cyber world. In video games..............my husbad lives in warcraft. so i suspec t that becoming a thread addict is no different than chatting and also not abnomral like standing in the streets moaning about your little cards and the backwards talking cats.


I am not unfunctional, and most families of the world can claim awards in the dysfunctional catagory. But i love my kids, we laf alot. i preach too much and i am negitive.

i wish i can talk to my children like i talk to strangers. I am better with being positive and guruesque with my son but find with my daughter i have to bring out more praise and minus the critique. I work on it, many times stopping myself as i speak and saying no no i dont mean any of this............i need to calm down.

so i am sure i appear nutzoid to my kids. but we love each other. Human though we are.

I have a few guilt issues about my parenting. thats normal aint it?
But when i go to tell the shrink person what i am there for i go all crazy emotionally.
I am convinced that the way i reprecented myself in the office raised all their red flags and i am some kind of freak. I remind myself that people always think your hiding something, becasue they are, and normal people are not honest so when you tell them your deepest dark, they imagine what they think you are hideing or minimizing.

i am paranoid about how they could interpret what i have said for many days after the interview. It keeps me up nights. When such thinking cant be controled with meditation or redirected toward prayer or energy work, i concider that i need to take a few days of zoloft to break the spin. I guess that what they mean by racing thoughts.

I can never answer that question well. I mean i think fast. I sometimes have thoughts that kinda mount up in intensity and fantacy and it charges up my mind and wont stop.

Some people call it inspiration, but get annoyed when it happens at bed time.

one needs to know how to shut themselves up. and i do fairly well. Besides i dont belvie my own shit much anymore, so i call it illusion and tell it hush and breath or chant in my mind till i fall asleep.

But i seldom have racing suicidal thoughts. If i get them and they become out of hand, one of the voices in my head come in to take control. and Firmly tell me they will not let me self distruct.


It is because i am afraid i am worthless that i dont want to find out. i am afraid i am stupid so i wont rock the boat. Perhaps my mother fucked me up. And i hope to god that i will stop makeing her mistakes with my daughter.


So how long does it take for a normal crazy person to reach this point?


But when i get to, in cirten company of like twisted individauls, i love to spin my yarns and spiritaulise my daydreams, and can at any time give you a rational explaination of what they more than likely are.

anyway good night
jessy