One Year

Thing i have read. The age of reason, by thomas paine. HE was an underappretiated liberal born before his time, yet prooved his inmortality by the words he left us. I agree with is veiw of the only true theology would be what science studies.


I have read about half of "the god delusion" and have no oppinon either way. He so far mainly rehashes centuries old ideals about god's existance and coutner argues them. It is a slow read for me.

I have listened to Stephen Hawkings "A brief history of time" and taken up an peaked interest in things of space and physics. i cant bring myself to believe that any god who can fart out stars has very much directly to do with out little physical scritpures and religious goody goody points.

I believe there is much more to the dementions of space and of the human mind than we are able to understand at this time. But if only we could stop fighting, and find a way to exist individaully with each other. To not need to created lables......but some may say that i am a dreamer.


But i am not the only one, perhaps some day you will join us, and the world will live as one.


anyway.


I Listened to "where the red fern grows", had many good crys.


And now i am reading "the Yoga of Knowledge" which are a bunch of teachings form Sri Aurobindo.


I am enjoying it but, it has seemed to make the topic of my conversations "deep"...........SHIT DEEP they say.............HA

I was watering down my thoughts in to something maybe we could talk about.


Deep.....sheesh, i dont know shallow.

And i Picked up some, Immaneul Kant.


That is altogether a different class........i am not ashamed to say that i need Cliff's Note's to understand what the fuck Kant is talking About.

So... I guess someone in my life was morally justified when he said to me "one would have to understand Kant to understand this arguement" or somthing to that effect.

I dont think i need Kant. Maybe i will look into him just to carry a little weight with my interjections and arguments. But who cares really, i dont think anyone is giving a damn.


And thats alright with me.

So i been impondering now for one year. And i settle on some kind of middle road i would rather not define, i belive in simply living it.

I tried to contact an old friend and i Think i either came on too preachy or too condecending. And i fear i lost our old friendship. But i have been unable to relate to this my friend for many years. Ever since i got back with my Husband.....but thats my memory..............


The Pastor is not talking at me as much as before. And i have started to express more of my Lofty ideals about seeking the knowledge of god. And just try to make friends. I challenge for me since i have low scocial skills. I say what i think and treat people i know have known them for years.

It throws people off. And Sunday conversation is so ....Fine fine i am fine. i have better "relationhsips" with my gas attendents than the people i "worship" with. It is because i speak to the attendent about something real or funny or ask them about their day. Why cant we have such plastic relationships in church.............what would be better is that we where in a safe place to question and discuss and learn.


The pastor did not preach to us today. He gave a Heart to heart. That was his best preachery i have yet seen. He was real and i wish he would stay real.
I observed the congregation and i remember thinking about the lady who was shaking, experienceing her version of the holy spirit, I quickly answered myself, yes of course, she has been in a sustained state of beta and her emotions are creating a warm fuzzy...but i did not dwell on that........i just enjoyed her sence of peace and surrender to god. That is a good value.


For instance IF some tragic thing narrowly escapes a person, Or some great needed wish comes true for a person, there arises a natural expression of thanks. It happens to us all...at least i hope it does.........at the very least there is a expression of relief.

Do atheists just not have or chose not to have that expression? Or are those the times he might whisper in the dark "well if there was a god i would thank him" Or do they get scientific and mutter "thanks-feeling is a ingrainded human consept we developed of millinea of religions brainwashing to preform." Or do they just thank the powers the be?

I dont care. I believe.

I like to concider the event in my life and all the actions that lead up to it, or how it taught cirten lessons. I revile in my feeling of relive and praise. It feels good. I bet it is kinda healthy also.

I mean dont you just sometimes get overwhelmed with the notion to really show someone you love that you appreciate them? Or maybe you chose instead to regret that you hadn't.

Human dilema. It is the same for each of us wether we belive in god or if we dont. Religions are how we ascribe meaning and value and goal and principle. ANd principles are every much as law bound and scientific as the laws of physics.

Anyway, about that woman having her little god moment this morning, by itself it was fine.... but then another woman rushed up to her, layed hands and whoo-hooed in the spirit. Deminishing that other womans experience. It made me think of stealing. The rushing woman stealed the energy from the praying woman.


And then she went off and got another woman, a pregnant woman to lay hands on the praying woman also. I think why, Because the pregnant woman needs some of this flowing blessing or because you feel the pregnant woman can add to the spirtiaul flame burning inside the praying woman?

I cant read their motives. I do read lots of things though.


I dont belive that i will go all roller coaster again with the conversion. I am minded to just be as i am. What ever its called. I am not a "wha-cha-ma-call-it" i am a "what-ever-he-calls-it"



I wish i had readers and commenters. It would make more lively my checking back here every few days. But i am guessing i just wasted a year blabbering in the wilderness.


Or maybe like my friend Thomas Paine, i will be unsung while i live. (aint delusion fun)

But then , of course, I dont care.

I would like to entertain ideas, remarks, conversations, questions, advice...what ever. Not theology much, but something real and personal, and important to you. I love spiritaul questions.

I love psychology. Hey *pssst* i am psychic sometimes.....maybe i can help and it wont even cost you 4 bucks an hour. Although that would be nice, but as no one bothers with me i still would not be getting rich.

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GETTING A VISION


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Someone reading this now, has lost their remote, you will find it under the couch pillow, in the folds....i dont know who the fuck put it there but...........shit you are gonna miss the opening of your show.......sorry.............