Friday, August 22, 2008

comunication issues and a thought about Jesus

I have a handicap do do not communicate well. Oh yes, I can write when I am so prone, but I cannot write communication in letters and Thread Boards. I am very in the stream of conscious and do not pay attention to rules and syntax, much like a poet expressing depth as well as form.

I also presume over much that my audience is keen and educated and able to at least to the research. Which reminds me of a recent sin I committed.

I was trying to have a conversation but I really did not get my facts straight. I think I was out of line. Yet I desperately want to be able to ask deep questions to understand what the benefit of the struggle with oneself to kill all pretense of god, rather than to change your mind about what god means?

The very question must seem haughty and vulgar of me. I guess it is kinda a blame.

My question presumes they did not find the right answer. Which in turn presumes that I believe I have found the answer.

But over and over again I see stories of how hard and painful the struggle to let go of all *god * oriented imagination. I wonder why.
Is it because you dont want to be confused by lies anymore?
Is it because it is confusing to figure out the difference between illusion and truth?
I got to say, doesnt the struggle for our sanities last well after we debunk our faith?

What if god has no part in religion? What if your arguments that if the Bible god was a real god, he would be a god of evil are spot on and God applauds your realization and freedom of thought?
Does not one knowledge lead to another? Hasn't God traditionally been a human quest object not a college level thesis?

Hurray you saw that the religion you where trying to make happen for yourself was not interpreted correctly. It did not know how to reach you. But do you still believe in truth? Or do you still any of the life clues that holy book might have contained?

Of course you do.

I was on my face in tears the night I came to realize my bible was man made. I begged god to not let my faith die. Then I vowed that if god is truth, then I trust he will lead me to truth. I will find him. I will know him.

I was angry with god for a while. And I even considered many of the atheist arguments. But they all had one thing in common. Their arguments did not address how I viewed god and theology.

Their descriptions of religious delusion and indoctrination did not fit my experience of my relationship with Christ.

Those arguments lumped most of my personal experiences as subjective, wishful thinking, Deistic rather than Theistic, and non-falsifiable.

So they only debunked half of faith.

Psychology tells me my frontal lobes are freaking out or I have been in sustained Alpha/Beta consciousness or I am nuts here is a pill. I gotta say, the fantasy that I identify with a god beats that. As I sometimes actually go thru moods of prayer and I think god is there too.......*shock therapy and I do not mix*

Of itself belief in deity is not an evil. It is intended to help a human ward off the doing of evil. But people are not often self observant. They hide behind intelligence, emotion and desire.


So I also have a problem with my grade school grammar. Run on sentences and dropped trained of thought. The stuff of nightmares for many users of the English language. I ought to edit better. So it is only fair that I *gulp write a first draft at the very least.

But you all can kiss my ass about my spelling..... does it really make it harder to understand me?

OK for my eye-strained readers, some random thoughts.

I read at Debunking Christianity a article discussing why Jesus could not be an acceptable sacrifice according to biblical law. And I have an idea in defense of Christianity. It is a warped kind of theological jumping about, but so far promising a twinge of “hum, could be”
Well, my communications skills being prepubescent at best, I ought not try to express my thinks there.

So to you, my thoughts on the subject.

In the beginning God rejected Cain's offering and accepted Abel's.
Cain represented our efforts to present ourselves to god. And Able represented simply giving the best we had. God accepted Abel's best as it was a natural choice. Able wanted to give the best from what he felt god provided. Where Cain may have engineered the biggest pumpkin ever given to god, a gift of vanity.

With Jesus, we have god on earth and what we make of him. “Cain” offered his hatred of god and gave a disgusting sacrifice. And God accepted the lowest as the best we had. More over god accepted our hatred so he could show love as much. All the “Ables” of humanity have only to accept that god accepts what they give him in love and in hate.

The only choice they have to live by is what kind of offering they give and what they receive back.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Dark Ages, History, and human greed

I watched a show about the dark ages and the plauge last evening. It got me thinking a few things i should like to try and see if i can reiterate and make sencable here.

When i saw the multitudes of people dieing from the babaric hordes and vikings, the church and the black death, i wondered how many of those common persons where what our modern church would call *saved*.

I wager that mass droves of common people where afraid of the chruch's power to kill them and take their sustanence. I also wager that the common person barely 2 generations from celtic paganism and roman religion even understood the gospel.

Out of their understanding of scripture we have the flaggelant movement. A group of fanatics who thought they could masochistically reinact the whipping parts of the passion of Christ. They did this in order to try to pay enough pennence that god would turn back the black death.

After a short while ( as the plauge was from 1347 to 1350) this group of men went from *pious pentient* to church robbers and after whipping parties (with wemon). So much for cleaning up and repenting of sins to turn god's wrath.

Also during the same time the Chruch as so full of holy power that even the Pope was corrupt. Now, there was no other option. You had no choice wether you wanted to be a pentachast or a catholic. And you sure could not be a Spiritaulist. So a person of that time was born and baptised and raised with the priests breathing down their necks.

I dont think these people would be concidered *saved* at the time they lived. We are talking about people who belived that if you put a host waffer in a baby's crib it would ward off infant death. These people believed that if they put the blood of the Flaggelent on their eyes they would be saved from the death and blessed. They called it Miricle blood. IN short they did not know their scriptures, and the words they did know they attributed pagan/magical understandings.

You listen to these Christians who insist that the RCC is not saved, and those who do not know their scriptures well can be lost in a false cult. And i wonder, do they realise then, that the church they have today was built up on the souls of the damned? According to what chrisitans say makes for salvation, the people of the dark ages fall miserably short.

It is like first came Jesus and Paul, then came the political organisation of the church, which squelched and dorctinalised the christianity(ies) left behind after paul died. Turned it into the powerhouse it became. Not for the souls of men but for the power and station. Face it the churches first missionaries where well dressed barbaric hords.

It is like i can say, all the people from 150 ad thru to the Protestant reformation (1600's) was ALL the DOCTRINE of the CATHOLIC CHURCH. Therefore according to modern christianity, 600 years of FALSE TEACHING. Which equals..........Millions upon millions who went to hell during the darkest ages of history.

Even today with all our means for getting information, what ever we stored and believed now would be unrecognisable to the sincibilities of those people born 600 years form now. So supposeing a christian believes that he finially had the right interpretations of scripture and doctrine, the person 600 years form now would see us as completely off the mark and in our ignorance. Perhaps those of tomarrow will find our souls desparatly lost.

Let me try to state the point again, becasue it blows my mind. According to today's Christianity, the souls of the first 6 centuries are lost.

That means that the only thing that caused the growth of church power was Human greed.

Did you know, at some point around 1350, the christians thought that the black death was happening because they were allowing the Jews to live? Now, someone please tell me where the doctrines say we are supposed to kill jews to please god? But these people did. They thought the jews were poisioning wells, they thought that god was punishing them with *the black death* becasue they tolerated christ killers.

Human fear, greed, and acting out against unseen forces. It is like humanity gets confused and resort to the only thing we do well in a crisis.........kill violently, loot , fuck, and kill somemore.

Why did'nt people wake up and say all this violence and murder is fucking STUPID, and why dont we love our neighbors?

Of course they had given up on loving their neighbors becasue the price for careing was self sacrifice. Help a plauge victum could very well cost your life.

Seeing that show really frustrated me. Makes me hate humanity with more passion. We are greedy ignorant selfish fools. Makes me think how much i hate the idea that the death of me might come at the hands of a fool blinded by fear and hate. But in the hopeless eyes of a human-being, terrified about things he cannot control, my death is just so much mastbatory frustration release.

How fickle we are. How desparatly unimportant.

Another thought i had was, according to modern christianity , The Tribulation would be the worst of the worst that humanity has ever seen. I think Jesus' words where "there shall be a tribulation such as the world has never seen" He implied also that after this tribulation the sun would go dark and then the Judgement would commence with his return to rule earth. The people of teh dark ages cirtenly thought this was the BIG BAD that promised HIS return.

Well we know the dark ages where NOT that time. From this we may confir that over half of the population of earth dieing, barbaric mindless killing hords, currupt church run governments, famines, sickness, not being able to settle down and farm or rebuild society for hundreds of years....................IS NOT THE WORST TIME IN HISTORY>

According to those trigger happy rapturists, the worse is yet to come. Because Jesus did not come at the end of that tribulation like he promised.

Let me walk you thru a town in the plauge days......can you imagine 400 people dieing a day, laying about in the streets, piled up higher than a car? Imagine HALF of humanity today dead.
So many people died during the plauge that much of london is a mass grave yard. Not to mention all the trade towns in all of Europe are also graveyards. We truely are build up on the bones of dead men.

Directly after the Black death sweept its godly wrath on humanity, we did , as humans do, pick up the peices and enter into renewal. Families and towns rebuilt. Food was pleantyfull becasue , well becasue there was not as high a demand for food when cities worth of people have died.
Our diet changed then from dependance on grains to the addition of fruit and veggies and more meat. Things where looking up for humans. Babies where born and the future looked good. The former peasents could now buy land for themselves.

But the Rich people did not like to have to plant their own feilds. The rich people did not like to have to depend on their own backs for life support. So guess what they DID?

Oh come on guess.

Yup they sent their surplus of knights left over from the crusades to terrorise and loot the Towns people.

You have watched your mother, brothers ,sisters and father die from have that fresh in your memory, and all seems well now. You look into your baby's healthy eyes, and see the future. And then your town gets raided and they kill your child and rape your wife to death, while cleaning out your barn. And i would wager those human fucktards likly burned your feilds too, so you would be forced back into surfdom and work the feilds of the rich.

Not fair huh?

bloody horrific, evil and repulsive. These are my people. These are your people.

Have you ever asked yourself why we are not barbaric hords today? Is it fear of our governments? Is it becasue there is plenty food? Is it because we are more educated?


Did you know that america has a pretty high illiteracy rate? 2 out of 3 americans cannot read adaquatly. SO you cant say education keeps us from forming bands of raiders. Maybe it is becasue we have plenty food. But that is a fickle stance.

Shall we become hords of raiders again once our over population becomes apparant?

Of course some people dont think we are over populated as a planet. I do.

I look at the number of American Indians that had lived in North America for hundreds of years before white man got here. They did not over populate. There was plenty room for them and the white men to share land. And what did we do.....

Go on guess.

YUP! we killed and relocated them so we could have their land and credit it to our wealth. And we have in less time than the Indians EXISTED in america, infested the land like rats. In 200 years we have filled up every space in habitable in america. That is over population.


What next?


I though something about how ineffectaul our repentence was in the dark ages. They sent troops in to crush prostitution and gambeling, to make people more pious. And it didnt even last 2 years. Therefore in retrospect we can see that it was completely useless. It did nothing to desuede god nor did the punishment change men. When a few men blessed god for the end of the plauge and set about to live again, more human greed destroyed it.

You know how the bible always goes on about the jews getting bad and then god judged and/or saved them and then a few years later they are all corrupt again? (read the book of judges )It used to make me very angery at jews for being pig headed when it comes to obeying the Lord.

Now i laugh at myself. ALL HUMANITY tells the tale of judges. We are the stiff necked and rebellious people, simply by being human.

IS that an argument for original sin? No..... not as such. It is a testament to the inefectaul promises of the bible. Men have tried to repent, but they are incapible. A few manage to repent but the others wont let it stick. So even if we found the *RIGHT* religion, OTHER HUMANS wont let you enjoy it, becasue they want what you have. They want your money, your service, and even your bodies to fight their wars. SO it really doesnt seem to matter wether or not you wish to be right with god. NO ONE ELSE DOES. And according to the bible, God will judge us as NATIONS and groups as well as individauls.

gawd.........i think im just babbleing here. Imputent and frustrated becasue i am human. And what i say does not matter.

DAMN IT I GOT MYSELF DEPRESSED AGAIN>..........wheres my pills!!!!


(PS sorry folks the friggen spell checker didnt work again)

Friday, August 1, 2008

My Keith Ablow delusion

I am totally a closet stalker.... (Arm chair stalker?)

I joined this *living the truth* comunity, simply BECAUSE it is sponcered by Keith Ablow.

I have watched his carreer advance since he was writing wonderfull muder/detective/psycho novels. He seemed brillient.

But over the last ohhhhh 6 years i have seen his whole modis operendi change. No, he has not evolved, he just plays a media image game.

He's trying to secure an audience.


You dont know who he is yet? Aw..........he is that CNN commenting shrink on tv. He appears from time to time as the resident nutbag know it all.

I once adored his mind and his ever learning about it, but at this point in his life other pursuits have him engaged.

well i cirtanly do type like a stalker. Why have my feelings turned sour? Oh can't i handle that he isnt writing anymore?....I mean such a fantacy runs in my family.

My mother used to talk of kidnapping Stephen King and she and my aunt would hold him ransom for the price of a book they could colaborate on......THEN ( and i do mean afterward) Mister King know it. I swear to god. i hope that power passed to me because i wish for Mister King to write a sequle to the Shinning...i already have the outline written.

She used to say that some how they share parts of a mind.

But my obsession with Ablow was that he seemed to understand what makes brains tick. He seemed to have a psychological intuition.....or an empathy. I thought it was the source of his brillence in writing. And i naturally assumened he was such an doctor.

IF he is capible of such insight, i daresay he has lot touch with it for an ego trip.

OR maybe that is just my mental sour grapes becasue at least as a writer i stood SOME remote albet it expencive chance to have met him in a session, but now he is untouchable.

Or that he once sent me an actaul personal email that promised personality and touching relaities with each other. And well he was not big on keeping that. I merely read to much into his human use of thrilling threat to a *fan*.

I had wrote to his fan site........i forget what i said, and i am sure i was an inmature babbler wanting him to psycho-annalise me, cure me, and be my best friend all in one email.

(Yes even guru's have childish wishes)

Pattern stalker mental groovenyess right?

ALL the crazies want empathy. And this man, or at least his darker inner author self knows he is a psycho magnent.

it is his charaisma.

but what was my idea of his charisma, he really doesnt seem to show much of. He is a public figure now. And my little fantasy of being a respectible shrink's friend will stay hardly touched in the back of my mind.

But it does come up sometimes.

Like today. I went to check up on that site. and i realsied something. Everytime lately that i read his stuff and esp his commenters, i think it is all staged.

is that a wee spot of apophenia?

but hear me out on this id. We both know that the common person is not articulate. We know the common fan and common commenter dont offtian make an clear and consise intellectailly complete comment. They dont tend to state their comments as standing equal to the Author, or as insightfull leading sub-comments as if to spark a discussion..

The common human, comments with deferment to the author. To bring out and authors point, to congratualte the author on helping them understand some aspect better. Or to challenge the author's point. Or to question or clarify. But all his commenters seem more like collueges. They, are too educated and not personal. Their posts seem to either support some common psychological sterotype, or seem to illicit cirten types to respond.

And some are *obviouly* too dumb and fan-tastic.

It could be that i am interpreting it this way because they might be sifting thru many posts and choose the best or the worst baied on come criteria. OR......

(and this the the delusion talking)

It is indeed calulated. With a purpose to gather demigraphic-like information. For that ever purporse or endevour mister Ablow may be reaching toward. Know this, it has to do with security, influence and stature.

I was almost on his short stent of a on air shrink show. I was emailed and called back and talked to at length by his agent-PR person screener lady. I was asked if my husband and i where know.......not too ugly to look at on screen.

I wanted to tell her....hey if it is image you are afraid of, my husband and i clean up nice, but if you want a real humna interst thing it might cost about 15 grand to fix our teeth and pluck a few warts.

in real life.....

The personal issue that my husband and i faced, was challenged into the foreground, and we desdied that we had already moved past it and together still stand. And he was afraid that a national confrontation with Ablow would make a mockery out of us....or in particular of me. And he was afraid it also might change something about US.

I concluded that the person that really needs my comunication is my husband. And our relationship is sacrid to me. More than a chance to let that guy crawl into my head.

I followed his show for about 6 hours.

When i heard of the shows possible existance i emailed one of his former email addresses, and congratuated him, and wished him to kick Phil's ass and dont sell out.

well as you might have guessed, somehow my little stalker psychosis is wrapped up a bit in the unresolved bisiness of my husband and mine's past.

How insightfull.

Oh you mean you did not pick that up?

Damn it i am not as obvious as i seem.

thats right, I am the nut.

Ya know i am not really able to deal with everything WITH my husband alone. There are deep fears and a few situations of tramatic interest that are wrapped up in the time of the * happening of doom*. It might be nice to let somene in on my life.....

But i am not sure i trust anyone to............(so she that not brillient?)

ahhh but i have said saw.

now this happening of great doom, is not related to ablow. I realised he really could not help us. I mean he could only tell us to comunicate.......or draw us out .....or retranslate............ but two people can do that on their own.

I also realised i was running on this little fantacy of meeting ablow...........and him becoming so impressed by me that we just click and talk for hours and hours and he and i discover the mechanics of the human psychocis and create the cure and die very happy and very rich. (umm the dieing being much much MUCH later in life and no where in the vicinity of each other)

OK so i didnt believe the fantasy. ... I am not THAT far gone. I was just brimming with raching thoughts, those where the nicer one's i had to shut off.

At some point in my life i let even my fantacy shrink go. I believe i even wrote Ablow and asked for permission to use his name by way of reference if i chose to use it in my book.

um for the unformally trained, that means i made an act of closure.

Now i have a passing interest in what he is doing. I also joined that comunity online for to see if there was anyway i could help others who chatted there.

But i just havent been interested to slug thru their introductions.

I really havent been wanting to study and read thru anybodies blogged threads of thought, theses days.

I feel i have been tuning into just living....oh...and taking regular trips to *Buffy World* (i own all 7 seasons woo hoo. Mother would be proud)

I want to find a Buffy the Vampire discussion board. I have my opening thread topic already.............."IN Season 4, when Riley meets Angel..........i think they would have NEVER just fought like the *real* buffy world they wouldn't have had such testerserone poisioning. At the very least Angel would have been the more mature and willing to talk like a gentle man. ESP it being after the fact that Buffy visited him in LA and he had treated her like a nuscence ex-girlfirend in front of his *new friends*."

but...........well......see you later.

Word Salad's for fun and psychosis

I found a blog tool webamajigger and it makes theses......

this is a warped composite of the content of the pages the web tool thingamigigger scanned and crammed into this artfull proof of my insanity.

isnt it cool?

i am only slightly obsessed with walking my brian awound ( yes i spelled correctly) in circles.

and i found this loverly toy...... here....