From now on i am not seeking a guru. I want a thought partner.
I have a large display of stuff i have had on my mind. I have had a few words for a letter to the temple. I keep feeling them and pre-rehearsing them. So They must be close.
Until then let us rifle thru this toy box.
My son has taught me...well i mean he has helped me toward an insight into just where normal humans dwell. Not crazy ones like me. I mean i forget that i have been working many years to ...get better, to find god, to know truth, to let go of illusion ,to this or that....
So long i forget how hard it is. How Impossible. And this is where a kind hearted thought partner and friend might come in handy. I have found a new dead guru...he is a good guy. And i don't care to question that for now. I am working to stabilize my mental space thru the guidance of Ram Dass for a few months at least.
He has helped me to an insight about just how much "god" wants to "be" that ordinary person. "god" is quite attached to being that person. And if not god there are myriad other forms of god deeply invested in the journey of each ordinary guy.
Even i am myself very invested in working the journey i am on. In my own personal way.
Which every single guru who is decent will teach you.
Why is it that it takes so long to understand the simple?
Anyhoo, these insights helped me pick up the discarded pebble that i did not understand from the Golden Parrot a.k.a. my zen friend. But i will not text or let him know that, when i understood this morning only then did I make my first respectful bow.
*gasho zen friend, now stay away, fellow dude *
Not to run in and tell them that no one has died.
I am loosing my thought....time to jam...
*billy squire Stroke me*
I am curious about whether or not a mother and a son could do the psychological work together to deal with or heal the pain. I mean if i could face my sins....could he work thru his hatred.....or should he hate me if he thinks about the times i was unfair...is it good for me to have his hatred to hurt me? or Can mutual healing happen? Or is it best handled in each our privacy and let natural life flow, show and rebuild trust? (or not if hatred be the answer)
Like can or can not....traumatized people heal.....parents and children heal....parents admit their faults, children learning that parents are also human...and at this point in time it is soul to soul not mom to son? Besides not only was my childhood rotten, he and I where in the same environment for his bad childhood. And my daughter.
I get frustrated because people are not just so hyped about soul examination.
That's why i will never be a cult leader in real life.
I know , humans need to go in their time. And stuff is complex. And stuff really hurts.
I suppose i could journal that and work out what i can remember, and someday after i am dead, the kids could have it there for when they are ready.
Why don't humans take their mortality...and their immortality seriously?
er.
What does it matter any way? I write thoughts here, i may print them...but they are dust in the wind.
but if my kids should find my confessions, wouldn't that be nice? Would that be healthy...
or...am i delusional....
*rainy day woman- Bob Dylan and Once in a life time- talking heads*
And... if i wrote the temple... i wanted to speak about how i have been working on not just understanding that i do go into Samahdi often, but that i am learning... and the lessons are remembered.
I am sometimes understanding the emptiness of my mind...that no-mind. That not-me.
What ever about the words; but...when i am clearly in a state that understands it... i recall that i said to myself.... "oh no...i am disappearing"
And it was like reality was a thin veil (kinda silver) and that awareness i call me was unwrapped and spread out into this thin veil....and what was me-ness was just an outline of my face pressed into this veil. Behind my eyes, nothing at all not even the veil. But there was like...it was formless awareness happening.
And the people i was with...they where face forms in the veil ,made of the same stuff.
I am not sure i would know how to stabilize my mental place in that space... that high of a samadhi...but i have much faith that the platform i am on now can prepare me for that on a more constant basis.
It is nice to see i am empty and everyone is me but i am not them....and when i am enjoying my *bhakti* my *Jhana*... as i said before...
I don't carry life lessons or enlightenment dialogue....or a path to help people heal or reach my understanding... that is not the way.
Somewhere in the midst of that thought is a sharp instruction...the breath....
i can't teach how to control your mind.
i can show how i control mine...but...haaa.....can you understand me? Could you even understand why such a thing is important to me? And i am not even sure if i am doing the funny sounding sanskrit words for it.
But i can show you, your own silence, which will show you what your stabilizing path is.
or a question.
ahh i am good at questions. Even if the answer is a dad joke...or a lead to a dead guru.
I can be a non judgmental thinking partner.
but nah. I am judgmental... but not unfair. (INT/FJ)
i wish i has a thought partner that i didn't have to pay.
Or self censor.
*life's been good - Joe Walsh*
