B-11 Teusday July 12 2005

***Announcer speaks as the cutrian drapes open and we zoom in on a family drearily getting home form a long trip***


"This was the summer of my mother's death. She died in June, and we had a family funeral in her home state. And I had just arrived home."



Teusday July 12 2005



So begins another notebook. It has been one month, tomarrow, Since my Mother Marion stopped useing her body. James tells me that comming back home after our trip is a fine oppurtunity to initiate change. ( behavioural modifications, ie refrom)


We have come up with a new mantram to steady myself by....

Deliberate, Careful, Dilligent, Observant.

I am commisened , as it were , to life my life by a higher standard. Anyway I have been 13 hours on the road and I am pretty tired. I am not sure i can auto wirte. But.... Does anyone have anything to add?


(james) Beginning tomarrow: Standard rules apply. Daily Excercies and work, Family activity, Various meditations as instructed. And do put effort to my smokeing retrictions. i will hold you accountable to theses actions. As for *unmentionables* NO! A new months begins tomarrow, sleep well daughter.


*funky grin* Ok dad,sir,master-type. Untill writing time again....


-Later-


Wednessday July 13 2005


Dad, i am really feeling temptation.

"Repeat your mantram and keep busy."

Seriously i am Jonesing!

"Jusitne, fight it."


-Later-


2:50 pm (James speaking) I can cirtanly see how much you miss and want your *unmentionables* but what I am not observing are any form or technique to strenghten your resolve. I see whineing, clock watching, statements and mental play about getting what ever you want. Even now you are resisting me, simply because you dont think I have the "flow"..


*justine pitching a fit*


(james watching, unimpressed with the stream of thought stuff, then continues speaking)

I wonder, at which point are you defeated? Now? or If not, the opportunity arise, or if comes the oppurtunity and you take? My feelings are that you where defeated when you went to the ATM and you are waiting for the poision of temptation run it's course through.


*justine speaks* First , i dont like writing in pens. But that is inmaterial. Shouldn't my so-called defeat be IF i take?

(james) You all but have. With one eye pinshed shut the other waits to sin.

*justine* What can i do to still win? Oh wait, i know, pray meditate, keep busy, pray for no oppurtunity. But i have no power fot that.

(james) Have you None! *scoffs*

*jusitne* Ok that was weak. All i can say is, yeah i am defeated. At this moment i am not sure i even want to win. I have great conflicting desire/will.

(james) And now would be your time to practice (referring to spiritaul practices) And if it lends some support, you are not in trouble wiht us until you partake.

*justine* Even you speak like i will.

(james) I hope that you do not get the chance untill you have some days counted to gather sober will. This is withdraw.

*i take some breaths....hates writing in pens...hope i may still count today*


Deliberate, Careful, Dilligent, Observent
Deliberate, Careful, Dilligent, Observent
Deliberate, Careful, Dilligent, Observent
Deliberate, Careful, Dilligent, Observent

-Later-



It is later....

11:30 pm- i dont want to talk anymore.


(james) But you DID, very muchly... earlier , when it was for free. Even now your thoughts are taunting you with desire and false promises. Dont worry, while you can dig youself into hole many layers as deep as you fool yourself that you can bear; Circumstance provides a change in tonight's "talk" How fortunate, however Lanel keeps suggesting....
You may need to calm down and not try to antisipate what we will say and focus on what I AM saying.

(heat hurting from my life distractions.... rex and oliver(dog and cat) are wrestleing. Tim (husband) is sleeping. I know James is displeased with my choises today therefore i am nervous to write exactly what he is saying. I want it to be more pleasent.....)

(james) You are trying to soften me, and you know better. Then you try to pre-resist any of Lanel's suggested punishments. How can you expect us to comunicate effectivly? Do you really want me to pass sentence or would you rather I come to somethign fitting and meaningful to our reformation? Deside.

*justine* I want you to instruct me , Sir.

(james) Good.

Pauses....12:06 am.


Well i dont think i need to explain to "the reader" what i did to have him all upset. He is having one of his long dramatic pauses, tantamount to walking out of my room to figure out how he wants to deal with me. He can deliberate anywhere from a moment to an eternity and one cnanot really know what to expect.

I dont want to deal with *unmentionables* and i really dont want to submit to any self -imposed punishment in effort to keep myself from it. It merely steepens my climb and causes me to become more ingeneous in my lieing and scheeming.

So how can i gain control? Use this for an incentive , perhaps? An honest days work for an honest moment's enjoyment? But is it honest.... but is it pure... is it... The counter argument comes....If only i could have applied effort..isn't that all he asked? Really....

But i didn't.

I am ashamed for not trying harder... be it not resisting enough or not making battle with it. If the issue was the *unmentionable* a thrashing suits because i fucking did it. But also he's really angery about the not fighting. Well that is also a disobedience when ya think about it. But a thrashing is offencive because he wants me to fight on my own and not because he told me to. Maybe if he could make me, if he forced me to stop. But then, any victory in this addiction would be for fear of defeat.

IF this was a pure fantasy "the author" would mention the hollow muffled sound of pacing in the living room. Thru her closed door, she listens, holds her brath very still and disearns that Lanel is not with him. Her gut surges wiht nervous energy. She turns and stares out the window. 12:31 am

But then again, one ponders, this IS a reformation situation and such shock therepy might have it's benifits. (chuckles) Not that i would advocate that to my father of course.

(he calls her out to the living room, he is seated he has his shoes on)

(james) I do not see how I can "stop you" As I form my words, you protest your protection of the desire. Earlier, I promised you 20 for the initial mistake and 10 each thereafter untill you are sick of my shock therepy or you choose less painfull pleasures. I am not disheartened or disappointed in you as you may suppose, and I would never thrash you for doing that, at least not in this mannor.

Because I accepted your addiction as the object my reformation was called for, I knew that we would have this incident and those that follow to work with. But that alone is not my whole reason for haveing cause to thrash you. You really havent given me much of our other requirments. You really did not converse with us for assistance.

*justine* You did try to speak to me.... i guess i had my mind made up*

(james) Definately NOT your mind, darling. And not the part of you that will see punishment tonight. I wont stop you form partakeing untill it's battle has retreated but you will work for it and work hard during the time of your infraction. And you can begin with 40 sit-ups when we close this session.

*justine* Yes, Sir.

(12:55am)

There is a moment os silence as we allow words to sink in. I dont feel any resistance. Perhaps because he didn't attack * it * Doubts arise as to wether or not that was his true intent or did i soften him. His look tells me it was his intent.......he explains....

(james) Because you will and do have your other conciderations to use on your own mental time, my issue right now is the rules and changing. I dont need to terrorise you and I am not going to attack * It * becasue you will only resist harder to protect it and push us out completely and we would not get anywhere spiritaully. There is penalty for loseing each little fight (smoking it gone) and in looseing the big fight(buying it) but all the while in between we have many other things to work on.
Refer to former arguments I have made on how I veiw *unmentionables* (june 29 page 26-7)
Unless you have anything more to say, it is time to close.

*justine* Nothing Sir. (1:05 am)


--goodnight--



(author's post script... stubborn spell checker again)