Dear Readers,
I absolutely have writer's block when it comes to attempting to discuss my personal affairs. I don't know how to go about discussing my feelings about my divorce. Or how i might annalise what when wrong in the relationship.
I know i feel liberated, and i am now happy and content with myself. I do not morn the loss of love or companionship. I am not sure that we have had these for quite a while. What i do morn is that i haven't a clue what healthy and normal are, when it comes to love. What i do morn is that when someone speaks poetry or romance with me as the object of desire and love... i cry.
I cannot handle being loved or wanted. I cry because it is like such beauty either does not belong to me or it is some kind of manipulation. I fear manipulation, i fear the poison of lust I fear being fooled again.
I have lost trust along the way to this divorce. I have forgotten how to love and be romantic. Frankly i believe I savor a life of asexual self union. Where the manipulations are at my discretion and i need not trust blindly in my methods, but i crave to know that the one i love i can trust completely and they will let me be strong and they will let me be weak and they will not be threatened either way.
I thought for at least 15 years that my husband was my other part. I thought we had the love of ages. That we where comfortable together. But it turns out that the pot nullified my sense of feeling as alone as i actually was. And for him the World of Warcraft and the drama of his friends provided his escape from the lack of support he felt i owed him.
When my intellect began to expand during the time of this blog, he was no part of my journey, he was no support to my pondering, and i had grown to develop and depend upon my self for my emotional support. Because he simply could not understand that it was that i needed form him. And i do not know enough about normal to explain to him how it was that i wanted his support. We had stopped being equals along long time ago. We had stopped being Compatible a long long time ago. We had stopped finding joy in each other .... and I moved on without him.
I feel that he kept trying to tie me back down to his world, and after a long long time his world became unto me a prison of conformity. Shackles of paranoid and out dated rules. The highest compliment i have gotten over the last six of these married years was that the house was well kept, that my cloths looked good, and that he liked to see me when i was excited and intellectually stimulated.
The last time we actually almost had beautiful well meaning sex, i had to stop it and cry. Cry because it felt very odd to me. Sex felt alien to me. And the beautiful feelings of having a partner care for me, made me weep because i knew it was somehow false. Love has become false to me.
I may love a person as a human, i may love as a mother, i may love as a teacher i may love as a friend... but i do not know if i am able to love as a lover. I know i need me some serious therapy as these things only intensified after a certain tragic happening i will not disclose here due to unresolved personal shame.
Sounds pretty freaking sad doesn't it? But despite that i am considering that perhaps the healthiest thing i can do for myself is not to try to get on the love kool aid any time soon. And to allow myself the recovery time necessary to become that person i have lost touch with over the last 18 years.
I am questioning my sexual orientation, as of late i haven't got a single giggly for a man's jiggly. But i am not quite cirten i can handle a woman's, though attraction is certainly there. I think that it means i am just not ready to have a real life relationship at this time.
I have heared that there is such a orientation called asexual.
Enough babbling about that for now.
I have of the past few weeks been reminiscing my novel but not gaining any inspiration for it. I have been involved at some BDSM sites, but in seeking a Someone, i have come across these mental barriers.. and want for friends, some excitement, but not sure about commitments.
I have let off study of N/A stuff. forget it. The drug counselor had to close my case because my job prevented me from attending their whiners group meetings three times in a row. SO i have nothing to prove to anyone who wont do their own objective research.
try www.orange-papers.org/ and grow your own opinion.
I am not in the proper frame of mind to discuss rationally about N/A. esp not in the same post where in i have peeled my emotional marriage scab for all to gaze at the putridness underneath.
Well i guess that's enough for now. *hits the snooze button again*
I am alive and well and feeling quite alright. I have cashed my first pay check in 9 years and am doing very well at the salad bar job so far. I have gotten a gold score on that math and reading stuff from last blog. And i am very pleased with that.
I am dealing with temptation for smoking and so far telling myself no, even though my job is filled with smokers and it would be fairly safe for me if i happen to lapse occasionally. July 8 will be 60 days.
I believe my kids will be alright. The only thing i have to fear at the moment besides relationships, is letting my husband emotionally manipulate me with his 1930's social expectations being used against me and causing a nasty divorce to follow.
other than that.....
*BZZ BZZ BZZ BZZ BZZ BZZ BZZ BZZ........THWACK*
i am going back to sleep.
Jessy
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A development to this blog. I am thinking that it is not because i cannot annalise what when wrong in that relationship but that i feel ashamed, because once i shall begin the litiny of his actaions it will become quite obvious what the trouble in the relationship was.
ReplyDeleteNow if the Reader can see that the fault occures in my ex-husbands actions, then the Reader will also see my shame, in my yielding reactions.
I kept blaming myself, and i kept compromiseing my principles and plans, and i kept belivieng in the illusion, i was not strong enough to know... but before i berate myself i should make notice that i did, by and by, overcome this situation with the only possible solution available after i had exhausted my resistant resources.
And now because of my freedom, i have redeemed myself from the fault over the years and now, i may list the litiny of his sins and then any reader will be able to see that i did not create the problems, i had been the only back bone that made him stand.
We had been god's on this earth, my he and I.
ReplyDeleteYou may mock but you where part of us. We shared our minds completely. We had a private language.
I might look back and discover there where things incomplete. He had reservations about my tastes. But he felt that we would find each other.
I tried to share my fantasies with him. He played along for a long while, indulging my tastes.At first he qwithdrew himself when i would be excited to share my stories with other untill he finially said that he doesnt pay attention becasue he has heard it before and before. But he later confessed it did nothing for him. We no longer shared our worldview.
But because of his love for me and for all the other things we did share and see together, i adapted.
Over the years the pattern repeats, untill my adaptions turned me into an accomplished liar, and sexaul celibate. I gave myself to my spiritaul pursuits as a monk.
Over the years i bacame entierly withdrawn and have forgotten how to live a real life. There was the times i imagined, and there where the times i wore a mask. And through this mask i caught such glimpses of my dark romantic dreams in the outlandish tales of Justice and Poetry.
My insparationsal films... V for venteddetta, Robert Englund's Phantom of the oppera, Dead Poets Society, A little kung fu movie called "the secret master", and other wonderious tales of the redemption is seek.
His insparationsal films.... Band of Brothers, Mad Max 1, To hell and back, Something the Lord made, second hand lions. And other hero tales.
We shared the glories of second hand Lions, for it suited both our our havershamed views.
Oh i shall mentions that our marriage's chance for redeemption was when we shared in watching the moive "Cast Away" For a short and lifeless duration, through that film we had been gods together again.
But he did not want to continue to play along.
And now...after all that's been said or done
ReplyDeleteI let my true feelings out, my true heart break, my true woe.
When he comes to see me he always mentiones my poverty. Over the past 6 years of our marriage out conversatios had deteriorated to merely matters of business and finance. I had long given up my love for makeing finiancial plans, and became demoted to secretary instead of investments.
I do belive that his constant mention of my money and need to know the personal affairs of my new single bank account, while he expects me to have working knowledge of his, tells me about how difficult it is for him to get out on his own, are like a spidars thread.
He give me hald a praise, what accknoledges his pleasure that i am happy about my job, but then he backhands me saying that he knows how easilly i can be taken advantage of and he doesnt want me to get fired.
Over the years i have neveronce been fired from a job. He had made me quit. He has convinced me that it would be more expencive and inconvient if i worked also. I am duitfull, i am frugal, I was extreemly content to live in the world he provided. And to my imgaination he Provided me the best life.
We shared a joke once. I had been trying to read "Pride and Predijuce" and after the first chapter i lauged with ammasment and said to Him." You have made me an extreemly wealthy woman, if we made just one months salary and went back in time. ".... the sentiment might lose power in translation but it was heartfelt.
He has the children every other weekend now, in the house with our and his best friends. This family has been our friends for over 10 years. And he dutifully pays them for rent what he might be saving for his independance.
But much as i do not feel responcible to know his affairs, he does not feel responcible to my advisement. Another havershamed thread.
But anyway, so when it is "his weekend" my children come home sick. He disturbs my time by having me come get them, run to the hospital.
Over the years my husband has been quite a hypochandriac. Largely due to the fears left behind in our shareing of life's tramas. But mostly they are his means of control and manipulation.
This past weekend, where in i had intended to start writing, he interrupted with my children having pink eye and fevers. He had be drive 20 minits over my bugeted ammount of gasoline to get them, ( here i did not argue a better plan i did nto resist the stupidity of the only answer he'd have felt stubbornly justified to retort. That because i had the medicade cards i ought to come get the kids what ever the cost of gas)
But i wanted to say... that if he was SO concerned for the health of our children why doesnt HE speed them to the emergancy room and I will meet them there with the cards nessacary. But that i did not do. That was shamefull of me.
I have made the same mistake that i have made over the years, i yeilded to submission when i ought to have taken control. I fear taking control will make of him a wild enemy. For he is petty and not wise.
He says we have a bond in friendship, but i offtian find myself wondering if we are only friends as long as i dont stand.
And so this is my divorce. For me it will become my redemption, for him, if he will not grow, it will become his prision.
May the mercifull Buddha be compassionate with our judgment. Remember, we had been gods, i love my husband always, but i cannot live with that man, i do not respect that man. i do not serve that man any longer.
Justine McCullen