How will you remember me?

I know that my wake will be a fun event. A few weeks ago my daughter had us in stitches replaying old skits i have done in the car. Such as on a country road we had slowed down to let a chicken cross. He did not move so i backed up.

After he crossed i asked " why did the chicken cross the road?" and replied " because we stopped and backed up."

I think my daughter will remember my funny side. My son, i hope would remember my intellectual side.

Naturally i tend to over glorify my self or the nobility of my past deeds and thoughts.

So i suppose i will be remembered in negative as well. I like to think i have never "really" had a thought of vengeance or ... murder. But then i have become enraged over cleaning up piles of dog shit. And honestly, one could not possibly self-account their every motion past.

Will i be remembered as she of the explosive temper tantrums? Who sat online or in a game ALLL the TIIIIIMMMMME? (notice the nearly truthful exaggeration) Perhaps only all the time that YOUUUUU wanted to be on the computer.

Will they remember my studying and writing... or that i was ignoring them?

I am positive that theses thoughts would drive one mad. Because perfect for everyone , like zero tolerance cannot happen. No "sinless" state.

When my mother died, i listened to the people who knew her. I realised everyone knew a different "insert mother's name here". But what is significant is that each of them loved and respected her flaws and all. Her flaws where her treated compassionately and to be missed greatly, as individual silly quarks.....not as her terrible personality traits and stubbornness.

I was thinking, how could i colour my memory? Like should i die today and my children would be raised up by any of my friends; What would i wish them to encourage about myself to my children?

Hummm something to think about.

My son might remember the days and moments when we connected during home school, which doesn't happen often enough. I had a "brilliant" idea. Rather than my being the ridiculously outrageous teacher, i could "be" one of the oppressed children. My son's study partner, and our teacher is SOOOO mean that she makes kids share one book and one pencil, and dooo toonnnnnnssss of work.

Mrs. Tree is her name, and while we work we talk and whisper and make some jokes at her expense. but the pages get done, he a line , me a line.

Would to GOD this method works!!!

Back to the question at hand. i want my children strong and well studied and of clear mind. To admire more the thing i preached and tried to be, than my resilient failure to achieve the same.

I want them to search and observe and know their minds. To live deliberately. And to act after consideration. To aim for their best, and be proud of the work they are capable. To heal and yo improve themselves with noble principle and meaning, and honesty.

But, What parent doesn't want theses things?

May be they will remember me form my writing. Which is sickening with the poetic irony... I could not verbally communicate theses thoughts in life and i shan't either in death, all that i ever solidly been are theses words.

.....

Or is that the depression talking?

Why the thoughts of death? AM i harboring any suicidal notions? No Way! Just pondering. So worry cant take me by surprise. ( that sounded unstable, dude) Look..., it is quite normal as a human to think about death, especially for philosopher-types such as myself. Now, it is obsession with, and belief in the fantasy that are the warmer zones.

Haven't you ever just become aware or concerned with what is left be hind of you? Whether you had said everything, are understood or more aptly truly known by those you think you know? Maybe it is a pathology, but hey what isn't theses days?

The most oft asked question of the dead by the living is " what would so and so do now?" or "i wonder how the felt about this or that."

So, i endeavour to leave some of those answers behind, unlike my fucking mother.

Justine.