I have obsessed long enough.

Hello gentle reader,


Well It was my hormones.

I was washing the dishes the other day and it became clear to me that i am getting to live a life where washing my dishes IS what i want to do. And i can life my life being here and enjoying it. As long as i can, of course. I don't need to spend my mind's time linked with the prevalent fear and uncertainty of tomorrow.

I can sort of detach and watch the ship wreck. Now don't get upset with me.... you know very well that that we are in fate's hands, not truly our own...unless of course we get up in unity (HAAAA) and fight the system.

I have been studying the fringe lately... looking in to conspiracies and patriotism, and Government. I think, and express myself to my friends as.... i must be absolutely insane and out of touch with reality BECAUSE.... Surely my president is speaking in well reasoned argument, and surely he had a clearly defines messages and operation, and i am sure , because he is president he MUST be concerned with the will of the people....

well........... i am just not hearing it anymore. In fact of late i have been hardly able to follow ANY logic at all from my television. In my reading, i have the same trouble. To my understanding people must be making intelligent educated sense in their comments... they must .... but well i am just not seeing it anymore.

I see few... but i guess we are simply sharing similar psychosi.....

I came across someone who thinks they are the reincarnated Jesus. I did not have the pleasure of conversing with him but i read his site. And ya know what..... i got an opinion..... but if i was to share that opinion i might be debunking myself....


His words are quite persuading, but i have had the same experiences as he has. Sure thing.... i have known myself to be the son of the living god. Or to have received sonship thru Christ. i don't go about making a big deal of it.... washing my dishes in love is of far more lasting benefit.

Man!... i wish i could get all into the guru fantasy. I'd love to bullshit a bunch of people and get lots of money.. or fame....but i think it would mar the things of my life that give me the opportunity to live with god as i see It. In my view god don't need me to do any mission. In fact i see many of the thought waves of this person dead ending at his belief in his own authority.

I was almost swayed i might have met another awakened person, using the christ as a metaphor for universal sonship, but he was not. He was looking to advance his method, and vision.

Argh! it is so frustrating to live in a world where truth and lie are so intermingled it is impossible to be purely one or the other. To live emursed in illusion and arbitrary struggle. To be distracted form simple pleasures and the movement of expression and life.

I wish i knew what planet i was from.

I don't care if i am sick and deluded i am crossing my fingers and holding my breath until 2012....

But about this Chirst guy. After i got to the part of him asking for money for his mission the shine of his glory wore off. His message was fine..."the meek have inherited the earth" but all arguments ended with his message or his explanation of his life as christ.

He was also trying to gather supporters, he call them his sons and the sons of the Apostles.

He even wrote letters of demand to the Pope and U/N. WOW!...

Yeah i have done some crazy things while in the rapture of pot induced self luminous vision but nothing much bolder than blogging.

wow.....so ... I like the radical but...not into suicide.

In fact i would not think that the returned christ would have a masochistic bone in his body. But i am sure the returned Jesus would not have to have Me follow a man, because in the books of dreams..... when "His" Kingdom comes his law will be on our hearts. No man will have to instruct another concerning god. ...

Thing about this christ guy, is he is still Authoritarian. To "work" with him you have to line up under his structure. i don't trust anyone that asks for radical allegiance. I will have my autonimity. (could not decide if the word was that or autonomy, anonymity)

And so far in my Private little life, besides the ups and downs of the economy, i have my autonimity. I have perhaps misused it or had it hijacked from time to time. And there may be forces around to extract even more of my free ability to self rule.

(((which is merely the illusion of freedom as i am free because no one has challenged, fined/removed or put personal obligations upon my current freedom. But like most Americans i am dutifully waiting for that time THAT ILL SHOOT BACK)))

And, there may be a blessed hope of humanity ending this madness, as well as there may be the end game world of little grey cubicles where we happily sit in grey suits and live our lives in simulation on the Internet and we may be happy with that or else.

Speaking of madness i am reminded of an earlier thought.

Madness.... Insanity such as the kind induced by lead poisoning.

Anyone remember, the Story about a Shipwreck in the 1800's in.... a cold place....The men where like, the first to use canned food on a ship. But the cans where lead lined. And over the course of the trip they all went mad. When they wrecked, they started to unload the ship of survival gear... so they were thinking. They saved their beds, and the captain's office, they froze to death shortly thereafter.

And this image of insanity is what i see in my world. What are we doing? I do not even need to watch the conspiracy theorist propaganda on you tube anymore i can SEE IT.
SO thus the afore rambling that i have done lost it.

I have had enough really. This is worse than losing one's religion, and seeking god alone.

My daughter, has a fear of dieing young, my son is afraid of 2012. I assure you even if i had kept my mouth shut the television has done it's own damage. I tell them how nothing is certain, the end of a calender means a new way to count time......... but then i also joke alot about it's the end of the world. SO... shame on me.

So i compensate with trying to live the philosophy of enjoying each moment and each first and each last... try to understand that these memories are important as we never know when they are over. to Live everyday as best you desire to.
I am disillusioned with the world around me. I see people pointing and others and saying that's a lie that's a lie so that's ALLLLLL a lie. i think, people cant reject everything because there is a obvious lie in it. because there is no thing what so ever in this current reality that is not harboring a lie or twenty. I hear truths and i go to hear more then the lies start to weave themselves in. As with that Christ-guy.
And in my President i hear nothing but lies.... the truths woven in are always " this will be difficult" "Suffer and sacrifice"

In that case... at least for as much longer that my family has, i am going to get some snuggles in, some communications going on... i am going to try to live more in my marriage, and focus more on the positives, explore more of self discipline....(((gulp er let's not get to much into living sheesh)))

I just need a mental flush....

I wonder what my next obsession will be?

Be blessed if you want to be
Jessy

Feeling CrestFallen,or, Is is it my hormones?

I have been playing around on You Tube these past few weeks, and... today i found a 13's year olds sight. All decked out with anti NWO graphics, and two Political videos... 

  And then there crashed around me the flood of many thinks i have been hatching concerning.....

 What IF.......  

What IF even the 'alex jones', and the 'whistle blowers', and the growing sense of "grab your guns and prepare for heck" is PART of the orchestration?

  I dont mean to have gone flip-side super paranoid... But i clearly could see.... that if this is a fad? What if The "following" these loud voices are gathering are merely....  

Distracted yet still about their way out of this mess. It is like the screaming protesters are the very picture of people begging to be ruled. But then, I agree with Mr. Jefferson,

 When peaceful revolution is made impossible violent revolution becomes inevitable. I also had this very clear thought of Surrender. No Conformity but surrender to fate. It is not my fault that Others didn't stop it coming... is may not entirely be my own fault that i have only recently become aware of the faint possibility that my government hates me.

  There are many distractatory factors ... and *sigh* i find that now that i am up and looking about my small home city and survey my audience, i simply dont know how i can speak. I am getting groovy ideas of passive rebellion, and many of my thoughts on active rebellion involve the ludicrous fantasy of billions of humans agreeing to stop being evil, and start demanding truth and freedom. 

 I thought about drafting intriguing index cards for people to get aroused to the idea of self education and fighting for their human principles. I work and practice on you tube to say the wisest more profound thing i can say in under 500 characters. I can certainly tell you it is hard not to type a a few "You stupid fucks" in my retorts but i get my idea out. 

 But i realized that many of the people who would read my blog, my index cards, and my you tube posts , would not be able to comprehend that vocabulary necessary to convey the deepest most profound thought one can muster in 500 characters.(Though they know their spelling rules) 

 And if any one sees a Card with a Paragraph hand written upon it, would either throw it away to look at three words and decide , it was propaganda or a church advertisement, or someones homework, and then throw it out. 

 Oh... I thought of coming up with a silent rebuttal like ware a symbol for humanity like the Jews wore Stars..... but figured ... I'd look really stupid being the ONLY human near me wearing a button for humanity.

  SO suffice it to say, my revolutionary ideas are ineffective. If they are cute or would have had meaning they are 40 years too late. So i clearly thought since i cant save the world and i cant save myself..... and we fucking deserve to lose everything we never fought for. well..........crestfallen. 

 Trying to content myself with teaching my kids to treat each other as human being because the world they will grow into will not be human to them. Try to get my kids to be wiser than to respond in hatred when they really feel hurt, because the world they are born into only knows how to make others suffer. ....

  ... I used to think i would not have kids, because i knew it was unfair for them 20 years ago. But i wanted to much to be a mother, to see if i could make good humans. 

  To try to make as much of the reality i would intend for humanity as i can, though i fail and openly explain to the children how to begin to overcome our failings thru understanding one another and compassion and simple polite consideration.

  My Best To Humanity........... My prayer for our strength........ and the strength of our memories. Gawd i hope there is a second coming soon... or a photon belt of light awareness thingy... or............or... a deep awakening

....... but going by history well........ *clicks teeth and hopes for a miracle but LIVING FREE until then*

Some new agey stuff,if your into this kind of thing.

warning my spell check was being obstinte and non co-operational.


I think i am about to go on a weird loop for a minute. Here are a smacking of videos sure to intriguingly take up too much of your time, and the source material for many of the responces and thoughts that may come up in today's blogiferation.

Follow on to the other parts on your own if you are so inclined.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s867QzPCmnI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_T7346dFnkE&feature=PlayList&p=2788B73B87E3CA0C&index=0&playnext=1


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rziV5AyPh1I&feature=PlayList&p=8FDBF58E2E06B540&index=0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzMWTAPO-Q0&feature=related


I am not trying to force upon you any correctness of these things. Just these kinds of things have been my focus lately. I had already asked the world why they needed aliens so rescue or tell them the magic words. I had already rambled on about some of these very ideas.

It is weird when you come across other people seeing it simular to your self. But i have some issue with the Alien message to "help" humanity. Though he says truthful things it is mirraged by his constant eludications to humaities youth and need for his kind advice.

I got to thinking, if these other aliens who rape us via commerse but the kind of greater community the advisor...represents doesnt need our resources, then what makes it profitible for him to send us this advice? it engenders confusion... it gives hope and tares it away with the skill of Jim Jones.

I mean if I pretend myself to be a speaker to you from a higher plane... ( and i have before snicekrs) i should think that the individauls giving this "wholesom" advice are low ranked men to their people. Concidering how the other would be unseen ones have made no such sensational appence.

Basically i can be purcueded that this age is in a threshold period. i can see it clear as a bell somtimes. But yet there is not much i can do to effect it this way or that way. Gee i really do hope that our personal energy feild have some benifet..........then i think ok i am contributing to the awakening any time i am experiencing or relateing this idea i am not merely doing nothing.

But i sure can't step things up or go tell it on the mountian... or rush rush........ i believe god is in control of timeing, i have only to move properly.

there is a verse in the bible that says ....let him who is sinning sin still... i have already read into the bible that in those judgment times it would be as if no one could understand ...heart or spiriitaul language anymore.

If you know it then all you can do is know it with yourself and hopefully a few others you may brush past. I am reliseing that ....welll.............


Think about john the baptist...some nutter preaching to the barren hills out side of town. he lived his life totally emurssed in his awareness of god. He'd just be talking to god or to the world about god in his own emotion and his own words and the only way he got followers was when his words attracted listeners, and they thought his words needed to be heard by their friends.

and i do hope this Idea of Never sucombing your human freedom to the regimented complexities that are purely arbitrary speads on and takes hold and we make the oppurtunity to change something for the better.

I can say the hope and groovyness the videos can inspire is really um.... inspireing. I mean i so want to be free... but at the same time it seems the videos also paint an "us verses them" mentality, even while liberating some of US from them.

It plants the notion that we could gain something but too bad we wont because most of us are not able to see what you see. So guess what, you might have to go down with the ship.

And there is no unless........ the messages is so do or die.

he says " the greater comunity respects your individaul wisdom" yet wants to implant their own and stress it's realisation.... ( oh that reminds me so the greys want my resources why do you want my apprenticeship to you thru the great transition? you really sound like just another kid on the block.... but if this is good and if true i appreciate your reaching out... hey, we may learn alot from each other if we meet. But if your soo cool, help us kick the bad guys out then shelter us without your interference rather than watch and do nothing untill we have come accustomed to our ability to change how we do things.)

Basically since persusion methods arent going to change us... those who are awake are changed, and those who are aware of anything at all will make their proper choises at the time they are asked to. And suppsoe i keep my "enlightened love and energy" when push comes to shove my life force will be knocked off and all your pleading to humanity has lost another chance.

your message moves slower than the rate of belviers in it are or will be dieing when push comes to shove. So if there is any true respect for my individaulness or anyone elses there should be individaul recognition and i should not have to go down with the ship because i understood the precepts before joe my murderer even learned to cry.

Which also means that if 1 billion people awaken and 6 billion arent ready yet and they win the "armageddon" it would be another solar cycle to be given another chance to Acend again. Whats the point of warning us about this one if you already know that the chances are we wont make it? If it is important i think during these chances the good guys might take a few of the people desparate to exist in a more mentally stable reality with them and eventaully the rest of posterity will catch up.

Or maybe the universe is just a nasty place... if we evolve willignly , like over night by pure will... then perhaps we really, really could start fresh and wether there are aliens or not to assist us or harm us... we might make use of the confusion around us and guide the catalyst and put an end to psychotic methods.

I thought the other day how only a human could take a simple law like do not kill another, and philosphise it into murder. How it seems logical that the only way a being should die is accident, sickness, old age. Some beings in the natural world also die form defence from intrusion, and being eaten. These things could be concidered murder as their lives where taken. We also know that it is natural to kill and eat but there seems a law of proprioty that you only kill to survive. Being more intelligent, humans can learn other ways to eat, or practice repectfull diets and like other preditors and not to kill for glutony.

After that kind of murder there is killing another to enforce your will, enact vengence, or to remove an obsticle to a plan, or to remove an inconviencence, or becasue someone told you to in order to protect your idology, or becasue you where angery and your father raped you.....

these things are stealing of lives. Your not eating the dead or killing for survial.
....


wow i really lost my thoughts about the alien guy.... anyhoo..


I enjoyed a fantasy last night, one of my favorties about if i would invite three people form history to dinner who would it be and how would the evening go?

I imagined i invited Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and Benjemin Franklin.

I dressed in a respectible though fairly modern dress and explained to them rudimentarily the science behind their presence in the "future".

I tell them how their advice and oppinion on these current times was needed. And i had the week prepared with various activities. the First was this lecture, followed by general questions.

I mentioned that if they had any political questions or wish to stear the conversation in that direction they try to refrain untill later because the answers are complex and need a cusion and comedy relief before we get involved.
SO i told them today we sociallise, tomarrow we have some good news, and thereafter we save america.

anyway...

i thought our forefathers would get a kick out of the play/musical 1776 and i pretended it was a very lively evening of the three men reminising and discussing their times, allowing me to ask questions and them to approach the poilicial questions.

then i skipped a few things and got to the part were Ben was up in arms and we all wrote a petition and I said to Ben that i could not replicate enough of those papers becasue i did not have a printer....

He freaken laughed at me and pulled out a stack of papers and said "then we shall write them up ourselves if it takes thee days and nights! We make our share of petition and those people who belive in the notions herein will make their own share of the mention. This was how grass roots movments grow... your interent hasn't helped a thing. "

And i fell asleep before the daydream could get detailed enough to write... feel free to steal this Novel idea...........but who knows maybe i'll write a short story of it someday.... that i mentioned the idea at THIS date is kinda like a proof of copy write... unless i read it out of the theif author's mind before they wrote it.


anyway... umm anything else?


One small thing when your in a warped state of mind from listening to too many of these conspiray distractions, and reading the 300 comments , one can have a vision that the internet is almsot like a vehicle where judgement can happen. We all can see and comment what we think, like never before in time as we know it. it is like we are all jurors in the court of man.

Powerful position humanity is in.... and also something like in Revelation about the whole world will be able to see this or that when theses things happen. but i am sure that think is not so very original it is just groovy when you catch a glimpse.

done rambleing http://www.wordle.net/gallery/wrdl/629770/Weird

http://www.wordle.net/gallery/wrdl/629804/can_you_find_the_typo%3F

.... First comment...... the day i wanted to comment this the internet was acting all gestapo and not leting me post so nener nener i will just put the thought here....(sometimes if i change screens and go back the print is all other languagey, weird)

I thought of a come back for Ben... i tell him that the internet has helped a great deal... now our documents dont have to be long winded and informitive, merely intrigeing. If the People are Inspired to Seek they will Find and they will act in many more ways than your large document could assemble.
Now should the doccument be condenced , maybe to the length of an index card then those who wish to be wise will research. One ought to admit, Sir ( i called him sir like like a smug little girl) it makes most sence to put the more sence into a textable size in these strange times.
Ben F. grumbled at me and before speaking Jeferson interjected...." it is a fine idea... you think my words are too, long wnded... let us see you shorten them."
We all moaned and laughed and i fell asleep again.""""""""

Have a Happy Apocalypse

Well i did not know what to call this piece. And at the precise moment i sat to write the kids' computer game noises became most annoyingly thought chasingly loud unto my ears. but a few moments ago i was thinking, and the thinks seemed blogable. 

  But alas i have lost their poignancy and the babbling you are ever so inquisitively reading is my attempt to distract you while i practice using my memory to recover lost information. 

  Had a thought about god while i was reading a thing from a ex Christian site.... apparently it must have been soooooo good that the devil doesn't want me to remember it.... thus the loudness of children. OR.... lets see ..

 if you looked for god while you where crying not to lose your faith in something your mind and heart could no longer accept.... and you begged him to show just one clue about his existence and there was no response but silence. therefore there must be no god. So you understand about String theory... or parallel universes? going on top of my head rough memory i think they are the same thing .... eh no matter really to my point. Point is, before we had developed the science

 ( reminds me of god as the scientist reasoning i had that i mean to get to)

....before physics, to speak of other worlds along side our own, or the time space continuum, or even light refraction for that matter would be unto them as to speak about god is to us. You complain there can be no god because there is so much evil. Yet CLEARLY it is left in OUR POWER to stop doing evil.

Perhaps God is a scientist, you as a scientist would not pluck at and seriously alter the results of an experiment would you? Not if you want the truth of the matter. We Humans tend to think we are the most important thing in the universe. But we are infinitesimally small. I presume god could pluck out those times when you got raped, even though it was already in your genealogy and intellect to not need to rape and victimize others. 

There are other places in the universe. other beings. Surely other things relating to god. This is not an argument such as... well maybe god is too busy to stop the rape, he don't care enough to or he just cant.

Or look i am blaming the sinner, major cop out. NO... People who screw up always complain they didn't know why they did "it", they sort of watched themselves do "it", Or was taken up in the moment. (here presuming the 'it' is some bad evil thing) But i contest that before any evil action takes place, a mental action takes place. 

 Justification, excuse, a lie, and persuasion and conviction, and finally a permission. We decide at some point our action is right for us. Therefore it is not god's fault you got raped. It is sad, horrid that bad shit happens. A lot of things are bad and horrid. In physics everything is connected.....in some arguments everything that happens is seamless. A person stomping in china could presumably make earth quakes in America. Or that if you go back in time and leave or change something you alter the course of history.

 In our world there have been two kinds of people. Honest and Liars. all the other subcategories of thief, violent, small minded, can fall other either side. People who try to better things for the long run, and people who seek the pleasure of the now. And apparently they have better ammo than we mindful folk because they keep winning the tide of history. SO maybe this "experiment" is one of how a race of beings overcome it's evil.

 Perhaps this is one cosmic step toward advancement in the ability to even intellectually grasp the "physics" necessary to calculate god? Meaning we are unqualified to make logical arguments for or against god. If we can not conceive beyond our evils and trudge toward THAT basic ideal alone, how could we begin to find words for god? 

 Oh sure, ( i hear the mummer) Your arguments are good but after a while seem more like indoctrination rather than liberation. What you have so far disproved are the KNOWN arguments for and against true religion and imaginary hopes.

 You have discovered the ways HUMANS manipulate the mind, and how dogmas set you up for failure. Such as if there is god, why doesn't he this or that? But that is not the only way to realize god. Apparently his assistance in this world is NOT a physical thing.

 Although for some.. nay many they seem to understand how god assists in their own lives. Call it rose colored glasses, but i am not speaking of anything they have to convince themselves of, things beyond god saving their parking space. If god , who gave us a scientific mind is himself a scientist, that he hasn't scrapped the project yet would be a favorable thing to preach.

 And since we are a conscious experiment couldn't we try to figure out a bigger picture? I have been thinking lately about how glorious we have been. How time has seemed to stop. The only future for us is more leisure and technology.

 The maintaining of human order, and the ever so human back and forth wars and changes. It seems like all the knowledge we speak with each other is really just a regurgitation of how we interpreted what someone else said. Our sciences are still standing on Tesla's shoulders and i fear we aren't really advancing in our great human thinking....... or Maybe we are.... i mean buildings are getting better looking but glorifying things of urban satisfaction but not as spectacular as buildings that yearned for a better beyond.  

There are more pills, but not enough money for more cures and discoveries. I mean i KNOW our CDC and all them medical types are discovering new things but inside i feel like well frankly i am not part of that. It doesn't seem new or as if we are advancing. But then i am sure there where people who still felt like it was the dark ages when Michal Angelo was famous.

 SO i digress i might be swimming in the deep end about time has caught up with the past and isn't moving forward. But i like the idea.

 Like.. there are Egyptian hieroglyphs that depict something that looks very similar to a satellite. That is like past and present are meeting up. The whole Aztec prophecy thing they are long dead but their past is touching our present.

  SO if one was so mystically minded it might seem like a time stop...or loop.....or anything..... If pole shift happens.....then our calendars change... navigation changes...... the stars change..... the climate changes....... what we know might not work anymore. Pole shift is fairly certain.. but my point is that what we know now, how we move and mark time will be altered. 

 That means that all ancient calendars become obsolete in 2012 (presuming of course) That's something therefore a bit attractive to the idea that past and present have come full circle. 

 We live in times that fairly openly celebrate all the times previous. We make movies that take place in the 1800's for example, we preserve our memories our art and writings.... we continually add to our collections. We seem to enjoy the best of all the things that came before. 

Except for our pesky greed violence and ignorance, we are at a perfect time for apocalypse. Look at Rome. They where the pinnacle of the times. anyway.... other thoughts approaching after bathroom break. 

 I been thinking about having to head for the hill country if my country freaks out. I am concerned about being wise to know when is a safe Go time, how to pack, and of course which of my books to take along. 

 If the country goes ape shit i am living out my life in them hills, i don't know what will happen down here. End of it all cave man mad max ville... or complete state control.... or the eventual return of sensible government.

 So what is important for me to preserve? I think my history books for the old days ( 50's when they expected kids to have a useful education) My books on the Constitution, The writings of Ben Franklin. Education English, basic math, dictionary. But what about my religious books? One of each ? or my personal favorites? Definitely the favorites.

  Hey i ought to hard copy my blog in case of apocalypse or Internet censorship.

 (oh people are already doing that.... i am so behind the times) 

 Maybe a literature book or three. Of course i have to pack other house things and clothing and the food we been storing. But it is very important for me to preserve the memory America, and the Basics if not more of general education. Just as important as surviving is knowing the past. 

  I am so afraid that i would be of little worth in a post apocalyptic scenario. I would be the old woman back in dem hills, with a dusty moth eaten library holding some mish mash of a dame school to any traveler who wants to learn to read. Terrible fate for me... i have NO patience for teaching.But i also don't expect to be visited much since the majority of folk will be more interested in rebuilding their new life. 

 SOooooo I would spend the rest of my life seeking ways to permanently preserve the books just in case all becomes lost and some archaeologist would find the history interesting. I will achieve fame some how LMAO.  

My latest wild fantasy is what if, wayyyy in the future my personal writings are recovered by a tech-no archaeologist, and my thoughts are considered sooo brilliant that they base a new revival of my "religion"..... well.....it was a fleeting fantasy..... 

 I did some research into how many end dates have been going on since the birth of recorded life on earth. And i hear many people saying see... this 2012 thing is just like all the rest. And i think maybe that's what makes it more significant. In this case it is not a small group of doomsayers and it is not merely once source of information. Not to mention the weird signs on earth that i don't think our previous naysayers imagined. 

 Or perhaps it is significant because regardless of affiliation with any doomsday idea, people are becoming a bit more self aware....well maybe.... I am... and a few of my friends are... and i think our vision and ability to see how we need to change the way we are doing things is in the air.

  We can now realize how to be better humans, but i know reality still seems to be steam rolling toward various catastrophes, my hope lies in the aftermath of theses things. Maybe it could take root in us to change our dishonesty's and hold on to democracy and to stand firm knowing "NEVER AGAIN" which leads me to my finial thought of this morning.... a song parody

.... I am sad to be an American, where at least i think i am free. And i wont forgive the men who live who take that right from me. And ill gladly bunker down next to you and revive her still today cause there ain't no doubt i love this land God Save the USA.  

Justine

How far can Mental preparation go?

A P.O.W. held one word an done bit of sanity during their interments. In fact long after he forgot his name, and no longer thought in English there was one word that was primal to them. And anchor to things "right". Do you have an idea what that word was?

  HOME. 

The word can be different for different people. Home doesn't always bring back good memories, ya know? Point is we all have a word that symbolises all that is right and good for us. For some the word is youth, or Normal. "Normal" is real, and the ideal we've known or glimpsed of something that operated differently than it does now. Confused?  

Suppose we are in a fema camp, we have been tormented, starved,and heavily indoctrinated. "Normal" would be free thought, provision and work, and freedom of movement. Normal or home was the reminder that their current reality was false. I believe that faith held them together. Not dogma but hoping and knowing that this was not the way "things" and people really are or should be.That it wasn't always like this, this is not "normal". 

i wonder, if by keeping home in realisation one could distance themselves from the present torments and observe them. Make humor to oneself about how comical their captors and oppressors are. 

How futile even for themselves the ideology for which they beat and sear your brain. I wonder if, perhaps one could keep sanity by finding a private humor in the conditioned behavior of her cellmates.

 While remembering normal, how predictable are the systematic camp methods to mind control through rewards, harassment, isolation and manufactured paranoia? 

Besides would isolation really be such a terrible thing? Most every experience they put you through is designed to induce fear, anxiety, coercion... what if you distanced yourself in your own way before they make you into a shell their way? 

They want yo humiliate you before others and cause them to socially punish you, but what if you are already liberated form the need for social approval, and in realising normal, you can understand that even this prison societies opinions aren't even their own. 

  Could one maintain sanity by making "unmeaningful" the events in a place that is not normal? 

There are , i guess, 6 ways out of the situation. Conform their way via your fear , pain, and mind loss, Conform your way thru mindful self preservation, merely survive, revolt, be liberated from the outside, and Die. 

  In the event of facing death, if you can, try to make the very most out of life to be sure you have lived free even if only your mind is under your command.

  Anyway, once "normal" returns, supposing a liberation from the fema camp.

 A person who survived in such a way might be stuck in that place. By then his idea of home or normal is itself unreal, as he had to elaborate dramatically in order to hold onto it. He is also liable to resent dramatically anything he feels to be manipulative of his freedom, space, and thought movement, as "normal" is freedom. Opposite of oppression. 

 He feels entitled to normal.  

Well, i have been pondering thoughts of the like above. How someone could keep sanity thru chaos. Military people sometimes train for P.O.W. life, they learn all about the philosophy of brainwashing, how to survive with nothing, (101 uses for fingernails) and the physical training to withstand against torture. But civilians can only prepare so much. 

  I can study. i can prepare in mind to an extent. Here's a think.... 

  When i was mentally preparing for army basic training i watched the first half of "Full Metal Jacket" over and again. i set myself up that BT would be that tough. Could i make it? Would i be Pyle?" Well luckily for me BT was like summer camp, a really long ROTC class. It was nothing like i expected.

  Perhaps, one could maintain sanity in a fema camp by mental preparation for the worse and easy conscious adjustment should it turn out not as bad.

  Cheers to optimism 

 Jessy

How will you remember me?

I know that my wake will be a fun event. A few weeks ago my daughter had us in stitches replaying old skits i have done in the car. Such as on a country road we had slowed down to let a chicken cross. He did not move so i backed up.

After he crossed i asked " why did the chicken cross the road?" and replied " because we stopped and backed up."

I think my daughter will remember my funny side. My son, i hope would remember my intellectual side.

Naturally i tend to over glorify my self or the nobility of my past deeds and thoughts.

So i suppose i will be remembered in negative as well. I like to think i have never "really" had a thought of vengeance or ... murder. But then i have become enraged over cleaning up piles of dog shit. And honestly, one could not possibly self-account their every motion past.

Will i be remembered as she of the explosive temper tantrums? Who sat online or in a game ALLL the TIIIIIMMMMME? (notice the nearly truthful exaggeration) Perhaps only all the time that YOUUUUU wanted to be on the computer.

Will they remember my studying and writing... or that i was ignoring them?

I am positive that theses thoughts would drive one mad. Because perfect for everyone , like zero tolerance cannot happen. No "sinless" state.

When my mother died, i listened to the people who knew her. I realised everyone knew a different "insert mother's name here". But what is significant is that each of them loved and respected her flaws and all. Her flaws where her treated compassionately and to be missed greatly, as individual silly quarks.....not as her terrible personality traits and stubbornness.

I was thinking, how could i colour my memory? Like should i die today and my children would be raised up by any of my friends; What would i wish them to encourage about myself to my children?

Hummm something to think about.

My son might remember the days and moments when we connected during home school, which doesn't happen often enough. I had a "brilliant" idea. Rather than my being the ridiculously outrageous teacher, i could "be" one of the oppressed children. My son's study partner, and our teacher is SOOOO mean that she makes kids share one book and one pencil, and dooo toonnnnnnssss of work.

Mrs. Tree is her name, and while we work we talk and whisper and make some jokes at her expense. but the pages get done, he a line , me a line.

Would to GOD this method works!!!

Back to the question at hand. i want my children strong and well studied and of clear mind. To admire more the thing i preached and tried to be, than my resilient failure to achieve the same.

I want them to search and observe and know their minds. To live deliberately. And to act after consideration. To aim for their best, and be proud of the work they are capable. To heal and yo improve themselves with noble principle and meaning, and honesty.

But, What parent doesn't want theses things?

May be they will remember me form my writing. Which is sickening with the poetic irony... I could not verbally communicate theses thoughts in life and i shan't either in death, all that i ever solidly been are theses words.

.....

Or is that the depression talking?

Why the thoughts of death? AM i harboring any suicidal notions? No Way! Just pondering. So worry cant take me by surprise. ( that sounded unstable, dude) Look..., it is quite normal as a human to think about death, especially for philosopher-types such as myself. Now, it is obsession with, and belief in the fantasy that are the warmer zones.

Haven't you ever just become aware or concerned with what is left be hind of you? Whether you had said everything, are understood or more aptly truly known by those you think you know? Maybe it is a pathology, but hey what isn't theses days?

The most oft asked question of the dead by the living is " what would so and so do now?" or "i wonder how the felt about this or that."

So, i endeavour to leave some of those answers behind, unlike my fucking mother.

Justine.