This Masqurade

From the Gospel according to Leon Russel, "This Masquerade"



Are we really happy with this lonely game we play,
Looking for the right words to say?
Searching but not finding -- understanding anyway,
We're lost in this masquerade.


Both afraid to say we're just too far away
From being close together from the start.
We try to talk it over, but the words got in the way
We're lost inside this lonely game we play.


Thoughts of leaving disappear each time I see your eyes,
And no matter how hard I try To understand the reason why we carry on this way
We're lost in this masquerade.

We try to talk it over, but the words got in the way
We're lost inside this lonely game we play.
We're lost in a masquerade.

And we're lost....... in a masquerade.



I feel so mental. bad PMS i guess. I what very badly to tell this one christian person things i think and feel about my spirituality. But just by perusing thru christian literature and listening to the things the people, whose names she drops as her instructors.......i just know there is no proper language for me to explain how i can believe in the bible when she uses a verse to discuss her faith............and cannot believe in the bible as the infallible word of god, when seen by the outside literal and total reality.

Yes i can grove on a sweet parable form the Lord, but i can still think perhaps he is a metaphor for some kind of becoming the sons of god ourselves.

Christianity does not seem to make NOW a priority.

They say loverly swelling things about what Christ DID......and what he WILL do........and speak in vain empty ideals of getting to know christ.....YET..............they also deny anything mystical, and personal, and keep the teaching of the holy spirit limited.

I dont think knowing god is a matter of following the other sheep but following the voice of the shepherd........but sure sure they think thats what they are doing.

They follow someone who tells them what to believe and what not to believe. Rather than to try the spirits themselves and get to know the holy spirit god gave THEM to be their teacher.

Argh!.........anyway.

I was thinking ..ok so i would quietly just not go back to church. But i went on Sunday.

And i was emotional and crying and wanting to just talk about it with someone.

but couldn't ya know....it all comes out in blabbers of .........*i dont believe.... or i just dont know*
Which i am sure came off as if i am struggling with your common run of the mill little doubt demon. All i need to do is pray the devil out of me and i wont have a rational doubt in my mind. But these are deep deep DEEP spiritual doubts about the bill of goods your buying sister. My god seems so SO SO much better then that churchy one. WHO do you KNOW?

But i know more than what i am saying i dont know about ..just each topic i have "issue" with would take about a month of explaining.

I want to have a real face to face. Whether we get spiritual and in the Spirit,or whether we disagree, to discuss what we know about god verses stuff the bible world view and church-mentality mean.

I dont know. I tried it with the old guy and we know how that turned out.

Besides i swore off conversions.

re-un-de-re-un-de-conversions.


Apparently the human mind undulates perspective form time to time.


It is not Christ i am wanting so much as i am wanting to share Christ i know but am in great fear about being so "out of the box"

It scares me to be opinionated and express my views.

And also i tend to get a wee bit zealous about the Jesus interpretation I enjoy, such is constant with Christianity, when being dogmatic with my crap is NOT WHAT my crap suggests.

I just dont believe in putting god in a box. Besides you can only put parts of him in a box, never the whole mind of god. There shall always be a way to view things that includes that thing we currently call god.

But see.....i cant go talking like this at a person.


I mean, maybe it comes off well to a reader, but in real life. Imagine i hardly know you and i come and lay this heavy shit on you. You might just forget what you where doing.

I got to play this social game.

It is so hard to break free from "them".

So maybe she will be at an utter loss with how to re-save my twisted soul, and i will finally be asked politely to go.

Yet.

Does that make a liar out of my "god" who i presumed had instructed me to go to this church and to pray for these people? No, because i have served.

I think, i really need to talk with(at to) this person. I wonder if maybe we share views on some things. BUT then , i am the naive one.


Sometimes while in the presence of a believer i do feel their desire for god, but all to many times it is misguided toward keeping cirten "rules" pious.

DO they think that a thing called truth would be so shallow as ............As what ever. I mean i dont even care about that.

I care about the truths of life, and of the mind and Christianity's limitations on things of god and the corruption of the church and the plain fact that the things of the church itself have many more fruits of evil and appearance of evil than of Christ's teachings.......well doesnt it seem obvious that the church and its methods are not the WAY?

At any rate these people stuck in the churches are still so blinded to cirten things that when the bad anti christ asshole gestapo come knocking and they are asked.....

"Will you renounce christ!"

they will gladly die thinking about their imaginary church jesus.............they would die in vain, a Martyr to something they really cant say they knew well enough to die for. But in blind ambition to give your life because he gave his life...............like a fucking Muslim to his 70 virgins.


NO........for that i will not renounce christ........but these christians......dont understand what these bad guys are thinking about when they say "christ" the imagine they hold i would gladly renounce.

And think that the church should renounce its likeness to the image that the atheists see in us.

We do not need our doctrines and holy books to be "authentic" but we do need the Authentic Holy Spirit to rule us. And i believe he comes thru in a true persons character even with out access to the claim of infallibility to our holy book. I believe that the words of the books can be opened even deeper when we let go of our traditional theological methodical indoctrinational churchy methods. That is a dead interpretation of a dead thing. God's word and His wisdom are ever fresh and ever new.......just like the bible says.


Maybe ill just point her to "the blog". But then i am afraid of her telling on me for the mean things i said about Pastor. As if we where all still in the 5th grade.


Ekk i just read that............dang i cant tell her that.........i might get burnt at the stake.

SO i had this emotional break down at church, and they all think it is because gawd is calling me back into the fold.

Well ....um..God hasnt told me whats up yet so.........i guess it does mean i am not to leave yet.

I seem to recall awhile back being asked to befriend someone. I tried with the old man but he wasnt someone form the church.

I tried getting to know the pastor, but he doesnt discuss much.

And i am scared of This person that i want to talk with.


Hum....as irony would have it.........thats right....


Bingo.......next caller please.


BUT....

see i have another theory.


See


I am... *ahem* I AM... Nuts ya know.


and dont cirten mental illnesses have this thing for wanting to be found out?

Isnt that the libido-like drive for your more crafty combers and metaphorical dancers?


Anyway.


I am such a recluse. I ought to be cleaning. I am kinda depressed.



Whats on TV tonight?