Am i Just showing off?

Dear Reader,

It is difficult for me to have my entire struggle to comunicate ideas lightly cast aside by the judgmental suggestion that i "think too much" "am trying to show how smart i am" and have "a swollen pride and lack humility."

I admit i have some enjoyment in the fact that i am smart but i surely dont go about trying to BE smart to make you feel bad. I try to case my thought in the simplest terms and take into concideration your level. Oh how condecending of me.

I crave your feed back, i want nothing more than to learn and to comunicate. But you will ask me what is my motive?

My motive? um....all i can say i my motive is to understand the heart of god better and grow in wisdom...............

she said.... you dont grow in wisdom god gives it to you. I conceeded rather than try to get into why my skin crawled when she said that. Yes but, god may give the wisdom and you acted on it without question but then god also gave the revealing and growing in understanding of that wisdom...(i didnt finish the thought.........then after understanding you could grow in the use of wisdom.)

she seems to have a problem with my notion of anyone having their own wisdom.

I guess that is ye olde "man is nothing good" christian mentality.

And i cant seem to converse with anyone in church past that barrier.

So with another person i tried to introduce the subject of maybe the bible doesnt teach hell. I have made studies and notes we could go over. It would take a long time of friendly discussion. But no invitation yet to get together on the issues.

And i sadly realised that what i am seeking really is conversations with devonverts and atheists.

But i am too chicken shit there to express myself also.

So i gots to ask ...it is just me.?!


When She, who incidently is not the "this person" with whom i wish to speak....This perosn did however evesdrop over my shoulder as i struggled to explain to she.

She did ask me....what is it that i am trying to discuss without an argument.

Excelent question.

I told her that i am not sure how i can answer that. I agree when we talk of the simplisity of the spiritual life in christ and that heady matters of theology and doctrine dont matter.

we dont disagree. But i have issues with the bible being the word of god. How could i possibly have that conversation without an argument. it is a pasisonate subject.,
You would point me to pastor. But i tried talking with him.

IN that we cirtenly disagree. There is no way will be able to get into real thougths about why i could come to these conclusions.....it is all lightly cast off as pure devil work.

To be stifled and never heard.

To be walled in and cast out.


and this whole thing makes me angery to try to talk around.

And in their minds they praise jesus and would tell me see......you cant effect me becasue the holy spirit constrains you.


i mean just how can you argue with that?

forget argue how can you comunicate with that?

I wish i could. I mean as people we agree on the mechanics but call each other lost if we discuess that nature of the absolutes.

why am i not allowed to ask?????? does the bible tell me not to.

sure it does............let no man spoil you with vain deceit. or debates and rangleing about words which profit nothing. ARGH! why such limitation to thinking?


Should i even try to challenge him on the idea of biblical universalism? ( god saves all in the end)

would that make us enemies? sure it would just as soon as he understands that my other questions run into the blasphmous.

SHe asked me if i am just showing off....holy cow! i am afraid to even broch a subject becasue you will belive that it is christ that shuts me up.

Is it that they cant understand other points of veiw or that it is safe to just not to?

Forgive me for having thought of stuff that takes a good vocabulary to express, and even that fails miserably.

(pauses to gather thinks)



SHIT i am not really smart anyway. i merely samlpe alot of information and think broadly and simplify things after i have a gernal understanding of them. i dont take up alot of brain space memorising all the references and facts and figures to proove myself to others or to impress them. Rather I study them in depth, make a determination or two concerning them, and move on to the next topic that interests me, along the way seeking to discuss my conclusions ect.
I suck at debating or discussing my ideas becasue i cant qualify them on the spot, and would be beside myself to try to research references to keep handy for all my oppions and theories.

I think alot and retain alot but dont save alot of hard data.

I wonder if she would accuse me of false humility.

I wanted to ask what is the defineing line between just being intelligent and knowing it and being a pompus ass? i guess that would be in so far as your "audience" isn't lost or impressed.


Up front, i dont care about being admired, even if i do enjoy being corrected as well as given kudos. i dont seek kudos. i seek learning or shareing or enjoyment of life and spirit.
I am caught in the trap of if i say i am humble then i am not. Perhaps i am not then.

Fine i conceed but i assure you i am not after the petty pride of which you accuse me.

I dream of being told i am intelligent and validated. but it is not my mean. my Mean is pureifying the mind. AH but to YOU that carries a different meaning.

To you it means to ...........

((perhaps here i would be unfair and may be turning she into a straw man))

See this is where i get tripped up. maybe i dont have an arguement with HER> and therefore no argument to have.

SO why do i get SO conflicted when i try to talk in church or speak spiritaully?

Its like i want to just have the arguments. Like to run evreything by someone.


That is incorrect action.

I am behaving incorrectly and that is why proper comunication isnt takeing place.

i have nothing to dump on them and to try is to be, well i guess obnoxious.


I crave to feel like i can be a christian but really my words are different and i have great troubles with cognitive dissnence.

You say i have no peace in chruch because christ is convicting me some how.
i must disagree for reasons i cant ligthly throw out in a defence. I have no peace becasue i am stifled somehow with connecting spiritaully with the people and the teachings.

It may very well be the issues is with me. I can accept that

but how so?....


i let my words rush out, i try too hard, i am scared of being smart. I want meaning full conversation but get uncomfortable when your philosophy is always jesus and word of god.

i cringe not because i fear the word of god...but because you mean that book. or any book you should mean. the word of god is power i agree........but to agree would only put to mind the verse about how even the devils knows truth but does not believe/obey it.

You think that my mind is shut yet i have continiously showed an openness and a concideration of many things and even a teachableness.

SO my argument, that i cant express to an individaul is acatully not with them but with WHAT....i precieve them to believe. And it is unwise to brooch a subjec ton someone who is not wanting to think it.

Or what their expressions of faith and doctrinal advice and bible verse walls cause in my gut for a rejecting gagging reaction.

And you will think it is the devil in me that cannot stand the teching of true doctrine.
When it is the human in me that cant stand the chains on my spirital reasoning. But you cant see the limitations i am argueing that you have and i cannot say that you indeed have them becasue you are my strawman for she.






ARGH!



No wonder excorsisims work so well, whent he devils hears a Christian is comming they say of never fucking mind i dont wanna be there THAT long.


Those points i cannot argue them personally about. I mean how does one proove they are not the spawn of satan?


Or that they are not merely trying to be impressive? What kind of an person would even ask themselves questions concernign the level of their obedience to humility anyway?


Oh lord its hard to be humble..... when your perfect in every way... and luckilly you may be saved by the grace of his perfection.