No! I'll tell you what it is.

My first woohoo spiritual epiphany came while listening to an Olivia Newton John song. "we are magic"

When the song first come on I felt the "presence" of Lanel and i perceived/pretended that she was singing the words to me. In that moment it was as if god Herself came to give me courage. Unprovoked, mind you, by any specific yearning on my part. I cant remember what exactly i was doing when it happened. I was either cleaning my room to music or i was praying as usual for help overcoming my sins.

Someday i might go thru and hash out some of the philosophy that song inspired in me, but not now.

To iterate how i came to realise that i was and do sing to myself in songs and hymns and spiritual songs by imagining god in the detail although he is obscured in the definitions.

Indeed yesterday it was the goddess giving me a message of love and guidance but today i know it is Reason that sings the songs of reality.

Not my naked reason alone but the higher reason the applied reason and the ability to take other's reason int o account while trying to build my "faith" that i am really seeking true truth. Some kind of universal truth.

I cannot yet explain how but, the notion of a something truth that is true for all is flawed.

The reality is not fixed even by god's estimation, because god is all awareness at once. Therefore there can be no end all correct-ness-hood of any being that perceives.

(pauses- i lost my whole damn mind trying to explain mind=god .... bias to view = religion, culture, personality..... Unknown , Undefined,all knowledge that words fail to describe = GOD)

Ah forget it!

Point is No i am not just showing off, and it isnt just pride. I happened to have believed you to be an intelligent and well-grown Christian and was seeking some help from you.

You mocked when i said that i could not help it is i was intelligent. Woman! You dont even KNOW!

The really real smart people see me as a snotty teenager trying to break into the grow-up talk. And dont talk much to me because of all the time it would take to educate me on the basic ideas they toss about so fluently.

I have naught to be proud of except maybe i am eloquent sometimes.

......

I have been thinking about it and the desire to "confess" is passing. The need to validate my mind or make sure someone does not misinterpret me, is fading.

Bodhidharma warned of the need to let go of Praise, Blame , and Explain.

I am thinking that maybe i don't need to try out all my thoughts on real people, but i can be confident of myself and want to hang out at Ex-Christian to think out loud and practice sharpening skills. Because my Readers, ahem, are not trying to tare me apart. Thank you kindly.

Maybe i am not really saying anything and maybe i am really just stupid. (self delusion and loneliness do not mix) Comes the slippery Slope of Nihilism.


Reason, Self Awareness, believe as you understand.

Sangha, Buddha, Dharma

Creator, destroyer, preserver

Father, Son, Holy Ghost.


There are many gospels and there are mean reasons.

I find that i cannot refute anything anyone says about the nature of reality (barring the ridiculous of course) Because I, myself am making it up or learning what it is as i go along. As where the theologians, and Atheists, and Philosophers, and Practitioners, and Prophets of all time.

God as a THING to be objectified and to cling to thru mythology does not exist.

(Brother , that really hurts..... why come i still pray to so and so ?)

god as a metaphor for something or some total ideal or some purity of mind, an iconic representation of the best , the most perfect, the ideal personified does exist. In many forms and interpretations, yet it.... It's Self is one thing undefined.

Paradox Alert!

Maybe paradox means shut the fuck up.



That's the end of it.

That's the wit's end.

SO now to deal with why i am attached to the ass of god people.

i shouldn't be. I want out quietly and cleanly. yet there seems to be an irritation to do so.

Hey! Do you believe in psychics?

Only when they are mostly right.

Ok then......

A psychic might advise that the hesitation indicates warning.

And Atheist might chose one of theses.......

Shut the fuck up.

Your deluded.

Just leave already.

..... or .....

Maybe you are unconsciously aware of some mistake or unfinished business and arent ready to leave. As reconverting in the first place served as a means to fully test things out and really explore with your eyes open and You are exploring making up your mind.

Wait! If just answered myself and said i was quoting an atheist then....am i an Atheist?

oh Gawd.


AM i really an atheist?

What am i uncomfortable with?

i fear to say........

*imponderates*

Naw, i am just brainwashed by Ex-christian.net.

I cant dig them atheists that spout off "God is imaginary and you are deluded if you are spiritual."

I mean perhaps a close scrutiny of my own thoughts might suggest I believe that too. Or in some reasons agree to a cirten extent.

Am i breaking the law of contradiction?

Maybe i am not smart enough to know.

Guess what! Minds fluxuate. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Better to not cling and just be alive.

Well i got me some thoughts to stop thinking

Be blessed.


End of Blog Part One.



The author has no idea the format of the blog henceforth other than she plans to try her debate and logical reasoning hand in the privacy of her uncontested blog sphere. For practice like a shadow boxer, before i try out my mental powers on unsuspecting believers.