psychobabble 1

*slipps on some leon Russlle*


lights a cigarette..... in hales.....grooves......manhatten island serenade.


Opens up the chat room of one.

i promised myself a chat with the persona Lanel.... a while back there. And yeah i want to reveiw the course of time.

queensryech......Speak to me!

god has such timeing....speak the word...the word is all of us
i have given my life to become what i am.....to reach the new beginngin, to make you undestand.


anyway.

that song is too intence...i wanna chill.....


(focusing)


sometimes, when i look over my posts i think, too easy to be misunderstood. Not clear, here or typo there. My grammer is a crying shame. but on some level i think i am making points clear.


i has in mind to type out something from an old note book called essay 6. It is pure psychobabble. but took me on a little trip. and since i am in a disclosure kinda mood, ill say i kinda wrote it from the point of veiw of, if i was jesus. so if you are a professional shrink ologys....lord dont let me start addressing THAT audience....anyway its long...like everything else.

gee i am so judgemental...i need to grow some dman balls..........i'd feel SO much better if only i would speak my mind................shit i am 35 now........

I have reach the age of cycnism.

and OBI WAN has taught me well.

its MY blog il will put up what ever i want....

they are all gonna laf at you..... they are all gonna laugh at you.......they are all gonna laf at you

Itroduceing Essay 6




What is the Truth? ( essay 6)

March 11 1999,

This is not the reality i wanted, and called in to being. I used my will and my name to call my will..... Relaity slumbers in, waiting for me to let go and strive for better.

What if God came down with a slab of rock and handed you the answer tolife the univers and everything? I jsut had a funny fantacy, about me becoming some kind of prophet and thats why i am so odd a person. I day dreamed that i was reading my writning through the eyes of different groups of people or atheists. Sorta like i am the Nostradamas of a long dead creed.


Daydreaming about people studying my words, figureing me out. And loving me, being desirous to know me. Like i became a demi god.


SHEEEEESH talk about your delusions of grandure.... Any way.......

Dont worry about that, some later editor will edit that bit reality check out, and otherlittle thigns i say and use it for religious control.

God is really a person writing a story , like i am. Maybe i am creating a furture , or a past.

Anyway down the road, someone finds theses words and other true scraps...it could be like

i can see my words becoming a gospel, a bible, a religion. tool of the devil, and the governmnet by all various implications of these silly words.


People will DIE looking over words.


I dont want that! And god writes even now. Is it all a story we write?Or a story that god writes?
Is if fantacy withno basis in reality? Or is it as real as the reality goingon around me as i write this?

"I will try to be pain and easy to understand" says God. And he writes the words and gives them to men. And that happens again and again is men take the words and destroy them to the point that no man can agree who's god handedn down the law. And the truth is NONE OF THEM DID.

Hell, i am jsut writeing a story..... the real god. but not the GOD. i am not your god thing....i dotn wannabe your god thing.

you find your own tree.

Peole will crtizise , and disearn who are the false gods in my story, and who are the so called real gods. and who the fuck I am, and some will wonder if i have a god, who may be writing another tale.

One visous cycle.but it doesnt have to be jagged. I can see Christianity and Buddhism andmany other faiths interpreting my words, makeing alot of religions. even buddhism , zen, hindu, and ALL of them teaching the truth.


That none of the known gods handed down the law to men..... i did., ((hells bells this my MY fantasy?))


Who am i? I am not the god called the universal; I am not the god behind that with pencil writign on this paper now. I am the same as you. Asking the same questions as you.

Dont make *me* a religion. Dont make *me* your prophet or use me for your profit, and your cause to go to war. And do not assumne i am truely , or secretly, really sent by your god.


((ie jehova alleh satan buddha brahman ect ect ect))

You can call me part of the great spirit...and no i am not really triune.

There is go agian , writing myself back into christianity... How confusing.

AM i an atheist? How could i be, I am still writing.

............................Oh gawd , the interpretations that can some off that.

(((skips a few paragraphs))......

its just a story really, i dont have ego mainia.....i am taught to let go of strange fantasies. I understand they are illsion....but fun......yadda yaddda.........nope dont take pills never think of suicide......no one has to die.


a MYTH. that contains something......a story of life. the story of your life.


NOW at this point i am going to intermission, i really need feed back on this story, before i go on.


Lanel.