ex christian partial testomonial

My tesomonial is difficult to reiterate because it has so many levels and backlashes.........i tried terribly hard to keep beliveing even toward seeking the gnostic scritputres but still finding the adherantes unenlightened by the teachings.

please forgive and or deal with my typos later, my message is not rehearsed, and might go off in tangents as life does.

I have deconverted and reconverted and deconverted again for various reasons. i have been seeking god since i was conscious enough to think he might be. i have been seeking truth since ever i heard there was a god. My paretns where atheist/ agnostic mother, and ex-catholic agnostic father.

My mother had grown up an a mildly religious good people family who went to church, and she became active in church and lost faith becasue of the very same reasons brought up by these people. My mother allowed me to make up my own mind and explore anything and at the first i chose chruch......when i was 8 i walked over a mile to go to a small baptist church alone. My first verse was "cast all your care upon him for he cares for you." and that was my god. i had not become a christian till i was 13 after a what seems miraculious happening that seemed pretty damend convincing that jesus god wanted me.

I had called an 800 number after the televalgilist show i thought it was a prayer number but .it was an ordering service. the man on the other end was a christian though, and talked to me , the spiritaully hungery teenager. But he was riskign his job because the ordering serivce was of course not "christian". As god would have it another man from my area called and got that operator and they talked about me and thus i was introduced to the man that converted me and disciplied me a good man, a bit "religious" ferverent about preaching and correcting false docotrine......it was a fun game....

I enjoyed being right and superior. i once borrowed a girl friends book of mormon so i could use it to mark all the things that where wrong with it in hopes that would convince her that my bible was right........(hey i was like 16 cut me some slack...it returned to huant me later when i realsied, shit i could do the same thing with my own text.) i am not sure how long or short to make this story but it is mine. i seriously doubt anyone will find it because their are so many on the site.

After a while i asked questions with no answer and vowed i would be a good preacher and able to handle these questions for others.......shit even in one of my deconversion times i helped a christian with chrsitian counsel and helped a pagan with pagan counsel..it started to dawn on me that wisdom and truth are true no matter who says it. and if god was truth then he should not care where we find it , but that we DO in deed find it.

So my life's quest is to know truth and to know god........my biblical hero was enoch , so i was going to know god. I did not ask much critically for a long while.....the indoctrination works for a long while and the guilt really ropes you in. You read books and books but find no actaul beliver who can discuss your issues. You find "religion" even when i studied buddhsim and hindu and tao i steered right clear of religion and looked for somethign undeniable. For i figured i would find god in something that meets truth. and yes i find that truth MAY contridict........logic may contridict......so i am not going to find god in my own or collective intelligence.

But i am getting away form my story............to my understanding i had reason to belive in my relitive truth and steadly had less reason to belive in the actaul religion,and because i could not find the faithfull. i could not find thsoe growing spiritaully....they could not answer questions they told me let god do it when i wanted to learn to do it for myself. i wanted god the teacher ........jesus in my heart ya know. And to my personal experinces i was gettign what i wanted and enjoying my personal relations ship......then i keep observing other christians and not seeing much of the same happeing in their lives...............but moanings and pleadings for jesus to resucue them and how they dont have time to spend with him....so i am like ok..............

(side tracked point is, it failed for me because it did not produce many love copies of jesus........as a buddhsit student, i taught myself to look at the students who are taking in the teachers message, of course people are idiots but still good teaching has a different result even in fools as lies have in them.) ....i coudd not except the "let god do it" "Have faith" i can't do anyhting for myself....i felt i had a part to play in my taking up the cross dyeing to sin theology.

If jesus told me i had to stop sining i was dman sure gonna find a way to obey that, but the christians did not teach anyone how to do that except, tell them to just let jesus do it. so i looked in to the other religions so see if they might help me obey jeuss better. please, if you edit my scattered tale , leave that......i looked into other religions so i could learn to obey jesus better. buddhism offered me methods.........and by and by yes i found my morality exceeeded god's as recored.

How was it i could be more mercifull than him, how was it that i could understand humans better then him..........how come he never tried teaching us, like krishna.........if i have a personal relations ship then why am i not hearing vocies ...and when i hear vocies how am i to tell which one is god's? jesus heard a voice and paul tells me i am adopted in to da family so wheres my voice...and if a voice answers how can it be tested ? (and iv had a few meditational delusions )..

A person can interpret their lives and faiths any way they want so i asked what elements are they jumbleing...i began to see there must be a problem with human interpretation as a means for truth discovery..........an oppionion can't be trut,. and somethign that is truely true must be able to be agreeed upon by anyone who cares about truth. it is not doctrine or theology but unambiguous or it is not truth. ......

There is no pastor in american i can ask that question to....and it boils down to one word, even i who say logic can contridict still can't belive becasue of the particular contridiction. the faith does not answer to my personal experience.........where as things of many different teachings do and my life is dramatically more blessed......though i still belive in god and the personal relations ship thing , and credit merit that the christ story and its repititions throughout time can be representivive of somethign basically true about the path of any life.


I again go to church, an asembly of god chruch ,that is not koocky holy rollers..........and i focus as best as i can on the person not the worshiper. and do not have much opening to..um witness. Does this make me a hypocrite to both sides am i a double agent?

its ok to belvie in christ, it is not ok to stop seeking truth.
it is ok to not belive in christ, it is not ok to remain in anger because of the lie.

Well i guess i am done..........how do i get a membership on this thing even if i am a hypo christin with an eye to help spiritauly liberate not just mentlaly liberate them??? (naturally i ahve my rationalisations for this but that is a different topic)

—justine mcullen

sigh

Well my mind has kinda flip flopped again and i realize that if my link works someone from the ex christian site might check into my head and fancy me simply a confused christian............esp compared to the mush mash i wrote for the site.

  Well to err and be deluded is human.......and having re read my post i can see my inconsistency............lay you ten to one your not all that consistent yourself.

  But let me clear up my end.... at the time i wrote that i desperately wanted my version of Christ to play a good and non hypocritical representation of what i think people want to mean or what it means to me to be Christian. But since then i have been researching various topics......... the bible, the atheist network, the christian response, ...... personal responses.....ect. 

i have been manic about my studying, and came to understand i don't believe, and what i am doing is to place all my highest ideals in the name/form of Jesus. When, while i was a studier Shiva, my little imaginary teacher was him...i became christian so my other wise called voice of reason changed names not messages.

  Some Christians would say that means i was not converted. but they where not in my head when i was exercising obedience to taking each thought captive to the obedience of Christ i guess in the end of it all , i have to admit i am not a christian but i call myself one. And it is also due to the desire to communicate life with other humans and around myself the only context for talking philosophy is with in a bible/christian one.

 i have a drive for some social-intellectual contact though the social happens far more than the intellectual.  And the former blogs where an attempt to speak something true with in that Christ format. and then also it Can be asked me..........am i cherry picking from many religions?, am i "finding" what ever i wanted to find? perhaps i am. 

i know myself well enough that when a thing starts to stink of delusion it may be time to change my mental underwear. and for me, the past week of research has got me stinking

.........why cant i let go of the form and embody the TAO in my action............why the need to relate something to someone in dogmatic language that can only be understood in personal language? so people who would cast me off quickly i can smell my own shit too. i am not finished with my journey are you finished with yours? my interpretations cant be truth either. Realization came about after reading a very convincing study on if Jesus was as he is written he is a paraphrenic.

 That got me thinking about the voice in Moses head......and the one in Hitlers... the one whom the faithful accredit their good praise and prayers to. And the one in mine for that matter..luckily for me the voice in my head is not interested in world conquest, conversion or damnation and evil

......they are most interested in wisdom and understanding.......it may be my form of psychosis is harmless ......i don't even mean to convert you to my voice i would though seek you find your own and if you don't have one that ok too... there is plenty of truth in the world for you, may you find a good way may your mind and soul enjoy it.

( yes yes nature has it that life is cruel and painful so be it, acceptance covers a multitude of trauma)

  anyway why should i confess my own mental illness to you?  Because them Christians make me look bad...........lol  i find it convincing that Jesus was a psycho...........perhaps my good ol buddy Ezekiel back there was too..........and that is disheartening because it leaves the question of well if they where men of god and god appears in psychotic ways then there must at least be a "correct" crazy mind.......... ew...........i wont entertain that garble mess of thinking.........it was short lived. 

 Fact is, we are each live within our own experiences. Some people can't stand themselves, some people take pills, some people escape by various means. i took the might as well find a way to view one's life that is glorious of the good things and noble of the fair things and understanding of the confused things...............and what ever other fortune cookie saying you can think of. why cant we all get along, because we don't fucking want to. 

 Collectively we wake up in the same world day by day heading toward hell because collectively we preform the same hatred and actions as we did yesterday. if you want truth you have to find it for yourself and so what if it is fashioning another form of the same religion....or cherry picking the good human stuff form the religion rules shit...........the thoughts are not original, people before thunk them and they were good.

 Perhaps the good thoughts can be chosen.

 Perhaps humanity is so angry they will chose the bad thoughts

.......perhaps we can't even tell anymore..........but what we should be doing is not telling them anyway but trying to tell it to ourselves alone, and show it to other in expression. and so i blog to the world. amen.

What religion am i anyway?

Dear Reader,

       I am the constant seeker of the living truth thing ...the farther i go the more we walk, learning. Yeah .a lot of cool groups believe that, But i dont want to join their religions. 

               The trouble with people is notions of superiority because they have been in association with themselves for so long in their group, and want new people to meet merits and levels and pass certain tests of character and knowledge...and blah blah blah. Am i rebellious? 

     Yes perhaps i am. For people like me this is frustrating...i respect and admire and understand and will obey customarily but, come on guys......let me just tell you please the gospel according to me.........I have walked thru many deserts and I am so excited because now

.......every where I would seek instruction of my Lord, he has already taught me in the desert. but imagine one jumping up saying wow that's it. I knew that.............but do really you want me to email to this sign up list thingy and get some papers as a test for priest worthiness? 

           If I lived in the early years I guess i might have become a hermit, such is my irritation with formalities when the lord as i know him's truth is flowing and perfect.

... Am I bragging..............er..........well......even the bible says one can boast in the lord..........it is not my righteousness that has blessed me but submission to his.........understanding of truth.

     Yet a few would keep trying to take my eyes of my Christ and put it on the one they don't know. Or they would try to convince me to let go of the imagination of god altogether and become god-ness or nothing-ness...

    I think that's bullshit. My view is god is infinite knowledge, i am infinite ignorance, i am created to be a receptacle of god's knowledge and to perceive it as we have enjoyment of each other. Each of us are created to know god as we know him.

  ......yeah ............. being a hermit would be a nice life, no one but the trees can understand what I mean. ... can you imagine being Jeremiah, or Ezekiel?...... imagine being a common stranger walking up on Ezekiel's hut, during the year he was in meditation and prophecy with the Lord......

........it must have appeared BONKERS.  Any way i am happy to learn my understandings have made me qualify for most religions......i am grateful to their being and to have had the chance to see them.....

     Many times in my walk I learn new things and exclaim to god, wow did YOU know that was in there!..... And each new view I see of thus... same truth.... I dance around and yell at god asking him why he never showed that to me earlier it would have cleared up A LOT....... 

         They say that Jesus was every man, when he was on the cross. I say no he, was is wasssing every man including me, his whole life.......and because he suffered even to the depth of my evil and delusion, that he made a way so that every man including me whom he died for, to be able to, be is being with him as their relief and comfort from suffering.  

            See when I had my messiah complex, it dawned on me that even I cannot claim to be the Christ or to self redeem. I can only be a witness of all truth bowing to christ and all lies bowing to self....

   Christianity and Judaism and Muslim are the only religions/texts I have seen that have the point of view of an individual outside ONE GOD. And the other paths are very very seemingly  personal one-ish-God-icle..... .

..........Their are demons posted upon every step in the way to heaven, each more seems to be the living way..... i think humans make mistakes when they get a grand realization that explains EVERYTHING!...

   er..merely one facade of eternal truth and run off trying to convert their minds to always reflect that one grand illusion....for god is limitless truth, he is perceived clearly by limitless means.......you can't conform your mind to one understanding ....you cannot limit definition of god by blotting them out with definition for the non existence of god.....

......in the end who is being discussed?

Insanezendo

   Post Script 2022 this post was the beginning of my 12 year spiritual dark night of the soul to find my truth. I have gone thru many changes and adventures and left my thoughts and opinions on the matters of Life,the Universe,and everything as I traveled. But then stuff got crazy in 2019. I like my new crazy. Maybe some of you will too. And maybe you can study how i got there and fix me. **Mic drop**

Hello Reader, 

                An Insane Zendo is a place where minds can meet and minds can find rest from meeting. It is a place where one may explore themselves and face their mental foes in this battlefield we call Mind and Life and Spirit. 

     I am a Christian but my definition for my faith is not the common thing one sees in the humans that have mutilated the meaning of Christ thru the centuries. I aim for a place online where someone really cares about the way that YOU feel and understand, and a place to say thoughts, and also say the thoughts you hide from yourself. 

     For the christian who feels helplessly challenged by what seems to be logic and also for atheists who cant seem to escape a few instances where they wonder what was it that touched them that way at that time.

     A place for people who have sought and found to express their journeys and a place for the ones who seek and find to glean some advice or a lesson. 

     I do not write by grammar, and i don't much care for formality... i abuse the ellipsis and will change "personality" at a drop of a comma. Now, I don't expect anyone to give a rats ass about reading my mind and sure as hell don't expect to find evidence of intelligent life.... but like any human i want something left behind of me to signify that i was, and since my thoughts and conclusions about life thru the years is all i have learned and humans seem hopelessly boxed into themselves maybe my stuff can help another and bring some finding of the savior to the minds of any who are called. 

             I'd like a honest and godly chatroom someday, and whomever would post on my blog ought to be aware that i am seeking those who can express themselves at least two layers beyond their current emotional level, people who think deeply and want to find truth. The bible teaches that anyone who diligently seeks him ( IE to seek truth) will find him. And its layers,if they are the actual true truth, would permeate their whole life like living water . I'd like to see a few find that within them. this is the blog's goal. It's format for the time being will be copies of post dated diary pages and the occasional fresh rant.

     WARNING!... do not expect me to be conventional, or normal... do not try to talk some kind of sense into me. I am more than willing to discuss anything but i will discuss it form the point of view that ultimately all truth can be seen even thru the errors of things that can be proven and disproved....IE beyond the realm of what logic seems most convincingly right there is still the existence of both the myth and the truth....and before you ask me to explain what i mean try to ponder it. For to explain that to you would be to ponder if for you.

    IN life anything can be an expression of truth.........the bible merely says god is truth. I guess to find truth and know it completely rather than to settle into your ability to do what ever you want because the christian god might not be the one either..is rather silly because we can't escape that there is TRUTH......HA.the fact that there's a one mentioned thru all time in all kinds of ways and that the myth repeats and the Bible repeats lessons too, is enough for me to think, well then if it is truth how can it be met and known? 

         But that's just me. OK, hope eventually people will become my readers and co-mentors. Be blessed in Christ,in so far as he has willingness to be blessed of yourself. 

 

 IZM