sigh

Well my mind has kinda flip flopped again and i realize that if my link works someone from the ex christian site might check into my head and fancy me simply a confused christian............esp compared to the mush mash i wrote for the site.

  Well to err and be deluded is human.......and having re read my post i can see my inconsistency............lay you ten to one your not all that consistent yourself.

  But let me clear up my end.... at the time i wrote that i desperately wanted my version of Christ to play a good and non hypocritical representation of what i think people want to mean or what it means to me to be Christian. But since then i have been researching various topics......... the bible, the atheist network, the christian response, ...... personal responses.....ect. 

i have been manic about my studying, and came to understand i don't believe, and what i am doing is to place all my highest ideals in the name/form of Jesus. When, while i was a studier Shiva, my little imaginary teacher was him...i became christian so my other wise called voice of reason changed names not messages.

  Some Christians would say that means i was not converted. but they where not in my head when i was exercising obedience to taking each thought captive to the obedience of Christ i guess in the end of it all , i have to admit i am not a christian but i call myself one. And it is also due to the desire to communicate life with other humans and around myself the only context for talking philosophy is with in a bible/christian one.

 i have a drive for some social-intellectual contact though the social happens far more than the intellectual.  And the former blogs where an attempt to speak something true with in that Christ format. and then also it Can be asked me..........am i cherry picking from many religions?, am i "finding" what ever i wanted to find? perhaps i am. 

i know myself well enough that when a thing starts to stink of delusion it may be time to change my mental underwear. and for me, the past week of research has got me stinking

.........why cant i let go of the form and embody the TAO in my action............why the need to relate something to someone in dogmatic language that can only be understood in personal language? so people who would cast me off quickly i can smell my own shit too. i am not finished with my journey are you finished with yours? my interpretations cant be truth either. Realization came about after reading a very convincing study on if Jesus was as he is written he is a paraphrenic.

 That got me thinking about the voice in Moses head......and the one in Hitlers... the one whom the faithful accredit their good praise and prayers to. And the one in mine for that matter..luckily for me the voice in my head is not interested in world conquest, conversion or damnation and evil

......they are most interested in wisdom and understanding.......it may be my form of psychosis is harmless ......i don't even mean to convert you to my voice i would though seek you find your own and if you don't have one that ok too... there is plenty of truth in the world for you, may you find a good way may your mind and soul enjoy it.

( yes yes nature has it that life is cruel and painful so be it, acceptance covers a multitude of trauma)

  anyway why should i confess my own mental illness to you?  Because them Christians make me look bad...........lol  i find it convincing that Jesus was a psycho...........perhaps my good ol buddy Ezekiel back there was too..........and that is disheartening because it leaves the question of well if they where men of god and god appears in psychotic ways then there must at least be a "correct" crazy mind.......... ew...........i wont entertain that garble mess of thinking.........it was short lived. 

 Fact is, we are each live within our own experiences. Some people can't stand themselves, some people take pills, some people escape by various means. i took the might as well find a way to view one's life that is glorious of the good things and noble of the fair things and understanding of the confused things...............and what ever other fortune cookie saying you can think of. why cant we all get along, because we don't fucking want to. 

 Collectively we wake up in the same world day by day heading toward hell because collectively we preform the same hatred and actions as we did yesterday. if you want truth you have to find it for yourself and so what if it is fashioning another form of the same religion....or cherry picking the good human stuff form the religion rules shit...........the thoughts are not original, people before thunk them and they were good.

 Perhaps the good thoughts can be chosen.

 Perhaps humanity is so angry they will chose the bad thoughts

.......perhaps we can't even tell anymore..........but what we should be doing is not telling them anyway but trying to tell it to ourselves alone, and show it to other in expression. and so i blog to the world. amen.