ex christian partial testomonial

My tesomonial is difficult to reiterate because it has so many levels and backlashes.........i tried terribly hard to keep beliveing even toward seeking the gnostic scritputres but still finding the adherantes unenlightened by the teachings.

please forgive and or deal with my typos later, my message is not rehearsed, and might go off in tangents as life does.

I have deconverted and reconverted and deconverted again for various reasons. i have been seeking god since i was conscious enough to think he might be. i have been seeking truth since ever i heard there was a god. My paretns where atheist/ agnostic mother, and ex-catholic agnostic father.

My mother had grown up an a mildly religious good people family who went to church, and she became active in church and lost faith becasue of the very same reasons brought up by these people. My mother allowed me to make up my own mind and explore anything and at the first i chose chruch......when i was 8 i walked over a mile to go to a small baptist church alone. My first verse was "cast all your care upon him for he cares for you." and that was my god. i had not become a christian till i was 13 after a what seems miraculious happening that seemed pretty damend convincing that jesus god wanted me.

I had called an 800 number after the televalgilist show i thought it was a prayer number but .it was an ordering service. the man on the other end was a christian though, and talked to me , the spiritaully hungery teenager. But he was riskign his job because the ordering serivce was of course not "christian". As god would have it another man from my area called and got that operator and they talked about me and thus i was introduced to the man that converted me and disciplied me a good man, a bit "religious" ferverent about preaching and correcting false docotrine......it was a fun game....

I enjoyed being right and superior. i once borrowed a girl friends book of mormon so i could use it to mark all the things that where wrong with it in hopes that would convince her that my bible was right........(hey i was like 16 cut me some slack...it returned to huant me later when i realsied, shit i could do the same thing with my own text.) i am not sure how long or short to make this story but it is mine. i seriously doubt anyone will find it because their are so many on the site.

After a while i asked questions with no answer and vowed i would be a good preacher and able to handle these questions for others.......shit even in one of my deconversion times i helped a christian with chrsitian counsel and helped a pagan with pagan counsel..it started to dawn on me that wisdom and truth are true no matter who says it. and if god was truth then he should not care where we find it , but that we DO in deed find it.

So my life's quest is to know truth and to know god........my biblical hero was enoch , so i was going to know god. I did not ask much critically for a long while.....the indoctrination works for a long while and the guilt really ropes you in. You read books and books but find no actaul beliver who can discuss your issues. You find "religion" even when i studied buddhsim and hindu and tao i steered right clear of religion and looked for somethign undeniable. For i figured i would find god in something that meets truth. and yes i find that truth MAY contridict........logic may contridict......so i am not going to find god in my own or collective intelligence.

But i am getting away form my story............to my understanding i had reason to belive in my relitive truth and steadly had less reason to belive in the actaul religion,and because i could not find the faithfull. i could not find thsoe growing spiritaully....they could not answer questions they told me let god do it when i wanted to learn to do it for myself. i wanted god the teacher ........jesus in my heart ya know. And to my personal experinces i was gettign what i wanted and enjoying my personal relations ship......then i keep observing other christians and not seeing much of the same happeing in their lives...............but moanings and pleadings for jesus to resucue them and how they dont have time to spend with him....so i am like ok..............

(side tracked point is, it failed for me because it did not produce many love copies of jesus........as a buddhsit student, i taught myself to look at the students who are taking in the teachers message, of course people are idiots but still good teaching has a different result even in fools as lies have in them.) ....i coudd not except the "let god do it" "Have faith" i can't do anyhting for myself....i felt i had a part to play in my taking up the cross dyeing to sin theology.

If jesus told me i had to stop sining i was dman sure gonna find a way to obey that, but the christians did not teach anyone how to do that except, tell them to just let jesus do it. so i looked in to the other religions so see if they might help me obey jeuss better. please, if you edit my scattered tale , leave that......i looked into other religions so i could learn to obey jesus better. buddhism offered me methods.........and by and by yes i found my morality exceeeded god's as recored.

How was it i could be more mercifull than him, how was it that i could understand humans better then him..........how come he never tried teaching us, like krishna.........if i have a personal relations ship then why am i not hearing vocies ...and when i hear vocies how am i to tell which one is god's? jesus heard a voice and paul tells me i am adopted in to da family so wheres my voice...and if a voice answers how can it be tested ? (and iv had a few meditational delusions )..

A person can interpret their lives and faiths any way they want so i asked what elements are they jumbleing...i began to see there must be a problem with human interpretation as a means for truth discovery..........an oppionion can't be trut,. and somethign that is truely true must be able to be agreeed upon by anyone who cares about truth. it is not doctrine or theology but unambiguous or it is not truth. ......

There is no pastor in american i can ask that question to....and it boils down to one word, even i who say logic can contridict still can't belive becasue of the particular contridiction. the faith does not answer to my personal experience.........where as things of many different teachings do and my life is dramatically more blessed......though i still belive in god and the personal relations ship thing , and credit merit that the christ story and its repititions throughout time can be representivive of somethign basically true about the path of any life.


I again go to church, an asembly of god chruch ,that is not koocky holy rollers..........and i focus as best as i can on the person not the worshiper. and do not have much opening to..um witness. Does this make me a hypocrite to both sides am i a double agent?

its ok to belvie in christ, it is not ok to stop seeking truth.
it is ok to not belive in christ, it is not ok to remain in anger because of the lie.

Well i guess i am done..........how do i get a membership on this thing even if i am a hypo christin with an eye to help spiritauly liberate not just mentlaly liberate them??? (naturally i ahve my rationalisations for this but that is a different topic)

—justine mcullen