Sometimes it is uncanny how that the people who release Lama i Like's videos, seem to always post teachings hitting me square on the head.
Sometimes answering or supporting conclusions i had come to ...like..absolutely the day before i see it....or after i have said it.
What to make of this? Well when i find my voices for this blog we will find out.
I have been trying to start this blog for two days now. But can't find the stuff to say. Though, when i am away from the key board the things come up... but they are un-finished.
I want to write an unfinished thought presentation. And hope to bring it together.
That means that i will sit back and relax my brain for a moment...and spout off random snippets. I believe that my issues with starting this piece has to do with my trying very hard to figure out how to present it. As allegory, as lecture, as schizophrenic conversation.... the choices are many.
But it comes out most naturally for me if i present it as i do when i am alone with myself. Asking myself some questions in the guise of my alter ego, Carol. And see what happens.
" Tell me the song you keep singing ."
*giggles* well you will have to twist and invert the meaning of the words to catch the vibe i am sailing. But....um...#
Well, no one told me about her, how many people cried
Please don't bother tryin' to find her
She's not there
The way she'd act and the colour of her hair
Her voice was soft and cool
Her eyes were clear and bright
But she's not there
....
" I am also interested in, if you wrote the temple again, write it here instead so we can think it over.
and about intentions and fantasies.
about Where she is.
about the hook bad gurus exploit.
and maybe touch on how to cure that deep crying pain. "
*sits back. Wishing that Carol had given me a more leading clue of a question...gonna listen to song....*
*pinball wizard*
OK let us start with Yoganada and his autobiography. So many of you all love that guy. And i am lucky that no one ever reads this blog so i am not going to give a crapity poo about offending. This place is for honesty not pandering.
When i read his book, i was entranced by the stories of his early spiritual years. like all are.
Sometimes we long very much to know what that is like. And sometimes we are relieved because we experience similar things.
*wait what*
Yes.
Anyway.
It was a feeling of confirmation that the thing that yearned or operated in me was the same. and naturally i wanted to learn more about kira yoga...well only sorta...as i have said i am totally not into bodily disciplines.
I wanted to study how someone in god consciousness operates. i knew that the god he spoke of with in him was just like how mine is.
except ....
i personally do not like it when gurus hyjack Jesus. Back in India he seemed alright but after America......after altering the teachings.........after it all. Then i find out that the stories where embellished.
Yogananda did not tell the simple subtle true ways of how god operates thru all things in all ways.
He started a legacy of brainwashing cults in America. And he even confessed in writing how at the end of his life, he understood that he had done a most vile disgusting thing in bringing Kira yoga to America. So says a wee spot of research if you care to.
But I didn't need to. I only did to confirm what I was intuiting. It is the same story with many cults....all of them with bad teachers.
I loathe bad teachers.
I just learned yesterday that bad teachers can energetically shut down your crown chakra.
I mean......they can; while your inner experience might seem to be a vibration and imagination of blessing.
It can happen. And the fear invoked in this knowledge has been confirmed to me because of my schizophrenic friend...who grew up involved with that cult for a time....and who cannot hold one logical thought in her head...who is at the mercy of her *enlightened voices* which take her over and she much listen to them or obey them.......who always feels she is ...........oh it is sad OK.
Just....she whom i love desperately and would see helped. Anyhoo.
When we are talking spiritual bullshit and she thinks what I am saying is super dooper....she gets excited and wants me to touch her head and pray over her.
The action feels weird to me. Contrived.
Although I will tell ya, there are times I feel the OM to do so or something similar like to give a word to a stranger...but...never when she demands me to. I am in no mind for transferring anything to her. But....she feels like i have.
"So we have to ask what is this?"
Delusion you might say. She imagine things.
Yes, but i am not so sure it is that simple. She is not the subject ...i am totally clueless about helping her any better than to sit with her.
Except i feel like there is something sinister with her....sinister enough to haunt me in a lucid dream. And i don't get those as a commonality.
I should say a lucid nightmare. And i have not had any of those for decades. So any clues to help her, would be super dooper.
"We are not near that ability at this time, Justine. You have gone off topic. Rest, see what comes next."
So I watched an interesting video and got an insight into something about my childhood. But his direction did not settle with my experience.
So i made a comment.
Then whoosh the delusion of grandeur. (see my Kieth Ablow delusion blog years back) It was not major but after a bit...i cut it dead in it's tracks. Not to be had again.
See, I imagined he was intrigued, and came back here. We generally get into conversations and discuss a co-lab on a research book or some grand thing like that.
**it is my head; leave me alone what do you do for fun**
But the my ego started adding 'oh and then he will want to hear more about dharma and then he will go talk to Lama i Like, who does not know who i am at all.'
Then she might try to see who i am...and find that..........my motives and intentions where incorrect.
That would hurt .
"Why where they incorrect?"
Because my reason for wanting him to be intrigued is to see if i have developed a means to be helpful to the others that suffer like me. Not to get attention from Lama i Like.
On the converse should he be intrigued now, it could be seen as an opening for healing for myself and others. And in my head i would be grateful to lama i like, for the dharma coming out of her mouth; that is why i might have something to offer.
And if not, ok too. Her dharma is what i still pay attention to whether she knows that i am her student or not.
We turn our image of the guru into our own ego trip....and then put our energy onto a man.
" Isn't this whole display part of a larger delusion that one day if...then the Lama you Like would see this? Do you need me to clear it up more?"
Of course this is a larger fantasy, but the larger intention is, in the if then, when i cannot speak this kind of way in person.....i can say here is where i had been.
And also here is where people are.
"You are not writing thoughts as they are happening so this is not what people think.
Did you want to say something about what people think when they feel their own deep crying need and attach it's cure to the guru they pick?
Did you want to try to work out how to keep the lama but loose the Idol?
Are these more leading clues of questions?"
The fantasy is that i want to know if i am doing good work. And i write it out because if it is good work....it should not die in my head.
anyhoo
The Lama human body person is the vessel that lives that the Dharma moves thru. If the vessel is broken....i guess i will find another river source.
I have a great deal of faith in that she teaches the good stuff. But do i really know? No.
But she turns the light back onto oneself to work it out. And that accords with my mean.
I adore the luck to have her thrown in my direction somehow even vicariously. I feel all itchy when she talks of going there for certain practices....i have such resistance to things like that. Heck maybe i died in a brainwashing cult some time past and now i am not going to chase that when *that* is merely mechanisms to get to various states of mind. (but then, what about good health, long life, etc magic powers, dude?)
Meh. I just want to know everything and behave deliberately.
*sure i may be confused about stuff...had i not already confessed my ignorance? If i knew all then this blog would by way more concise and well worded...pssst it is the journey not the destination*
Anyway...itchy because i am somehow afraid i am too lazy or too blocked to be able to do some of the practices that she speaks of. Such as that one, in the recent series of videos , sit around, suck air down, ya breathe out, Ya do the hokey pokey, manifest a deity.
*sigh*.....in front of everyone?
What if she farts?
What if the thing i connect to and move as is a stupid thing?
*and it would be dancing or singing or preaching*
Ya know? A funny looking thing and not the grace and joy and audience i feel when i be all by myself?
" How can you say that you know you are doing that anyway? Because it feels like that? Like what, your imagination of what it must feel like because it is what you feel?
I am sure I have trained you better."
Well ok...when it should happen in really real in front of bodies...if it should happen....*I* would not have a self conscious therefore it moves, it sings, it is finished, it sits, i return.
When it happens all with my onesy, i am with it....it is like a shared expression.
" What if, if it should happen in front of everybody, and it is without self conscious....but it is also clearly yourself and your ego? And a shared experience with you and it and the person it is communicating with? Who do you think is going to laugh if you wiggle your butt?"
All of us.
But that does not answer to, what if what i am doing is very very misguided? I am so insane at this point that i am not sure it can be re structured to be the really real, real realhoodness of reailtynation.
Meaning i have settled into my way and only seek to correct error, not really get new practices. (arrogant much)....er
*desperate sigh...*
i really don't know, nor know any better. I like the books of many religions but i fear getting deeply involved with activities/practices.
Mayhap psychic over load, mayhap afraid to get trained in a thing and find it to be something bad later. I guess i go about working with my mind and my brain and make stuff up if it *works* then later I read what i think is the activity into/with Hindu and Buddhist and psychological words.
And want to go ask if I hit it or missed it.
And feel so embarrassed to try...ya know because of those self invalidating abusive people my whole life.
One of the fear fantasies is that I won't go meet Lama i Like, because my feeling of inferiority (as well as grandeur ) Would convince me it isn't worth anything important. When it very well might be.
But you see.
I have had grand illusions that wanted me to do things like...write letters to ex boy friends and send them. Despite all the mundane obstacles being put in my way...i viewed them as tests and struggles to overcome for his love.
Please intuit the utter cringe... i will so totally never talk to him again. Ever.
not even next life.
so cringe ok. get it.
SO that means i am not at all what i am cracked up to be. But i see myself as a potential that i do not want to go astray with.
And if i seek the guidance of someone I think is my better it is to move from what I am to where I can be that is better still. Not at all what I am now anymore.
"What is better? What is now? These are distinctions. Also attachment to having a where to go astray from ....
OH, I know you don't mean it...just saying time for another rest."
*thank you for being nice, Carol. Off to eat food and listen to music a while*
*and she kills them all and eats them for dinner*
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