Fantasy Time pt.1

  (Post script i am so sorry about the white background text color but it would not let me correct this....frikken technology.)

 

* clicks playlist*

 

*inhales , gathers thoughts, has just a whole mess to talk about, but really wants to catch the vibes and the lines of the stories played in my head earlier.....they made me cry so much.*

 

*catching nothing yet.....listening to The Who and breathing sacred vapors*

 

My brain time is rented out to Lama i Like this weekend, but i must first expel the current tenant.   One of my favorite youtubers has been exposed as a bad bad guy.

Another guru dead.

I am beginning to think that there are no true persons in this world. I would back space that out, but in the interest of soldiering on....forget it. Very disappointing.

Now of course he was no *holy* guru. No, just a clever mind whose thoughts where entertaining, and sometimes insightful and all the time funny.

 

      i have just emerged from a character analysis that proves....as so often they do with humans....Narcissistic abuse patterns. But this time i studied the behavior of his victim, as my research was mostly copies of text. And he did do abusing, unlawful awful hurty hurt violence...this was not a paranoid confirmation bias kind of character study.

When this guy behaved in a mean way his apology was always a feeble variation of "well when i was hurt this way in the past it made me react this way now."  With no remorseful or wordy understanding of the details of  the pain. They merely acknowledge they caused  the pain. Nor with expanded two way conversation/sharing about how to move forward. 

To which the victim always says some variation of " Well it is understandable, you are a good person. We can help each other." Some times the victim will apologize back for being so harsh and calling out bad behavior that triggered his pain. And how they will try to be more gentle and accepting of being treated badly because the poor man just can't help himself.

ER MA GRRRRRRR  

Why is it never....."i behaved badly because i was felt like you insulted me earlier and i wanted retaliation."

Why is it never.... "I feel bad about the way i punished my ex simply for the purpose of putting her off balance so that she would treat me real nice to make up for  not being responsible for someone else hurting my pride."

Why is it NEVER...."and I am desperately trying to work on my inner motivations and purify my intentions."

 

 And why...when one works with humans it is ....dangerous...to that human....if truth was told to them.  Why one can't BE truthful.

I mean this world is all about suppressing self ,  balancing lies and appearances and dancing just the right step to stay on the path.

 

How come the work i do with myself.....is  *not* zen?   

 

I mean some people might say the bigger aim of  practice  that is heading to liberation in one life is to realize that .....(pssst no spoilers)

 

 

But even after that i am still here with a brain to play with. Only with much better clarity and insight. Why the fuck would i  stay sitting in my own faulty patterns of realizing living? 

That is of thinking and thus of being. If there is faulty understanding then there is pain and hunger. Simple.

(ok that was me being all ranting and illogically raving there....let me inhale again and groove on this led zeppelin....*nobodies fault but mine* )

(I mean sure i have pain either way...it is what i came here to write about today...but....guitar/ some kind of horn?/ solo)

About dead gurus.  I mention often how the teachers i admire are either dead now, or not so full of good stuff like in the stories.

Heck i would settle for just one holy person who is free of their ego, able to see, understand and love the person in front of them. I don't need miracles. I don't want all the answers.

I want to find someone to trust with the questions; besides myself.

But some zen people will tell you...there is none but yourself.  You can't find outside what is not already in you.

Ha that is it........i should like to find it somewhere outside of me too. So i can see how it looks and acts.

What does an honest, ego free, teacher who has deep insight, long memory and actual spiritual  authority to help....how.....how do they act?

I bet you dollars to doughnuts if i asked them about something they said five years ago, about their motivation............they could tell me.

If they listen, they hear. If they know, they can tell how to find it. Not Sally but tell ME how to find that which I lost along the way.

 

Another thing the zen person says, if i found it i should not need some one  to ask anything to. I have found that *holy* person.

no.

no.

I sure don't think so....not at this level.

I am not shitting rainbows.

Well likely neither is the one i would seek, but anyway.

The paradox.....I want to meet such a rare type of person, i want something from them so badly it literally hurts. 

Yet i won't go seek it.  What is the only axim given by the guru-types thru-out all the ages?

 

When the student is ready the teacher appears.

I have only met with disappointment when i chose humans.  I want to meet someone who is what they are cracked up to be.

And what do i want so badly that it hurts?

One honest time of honesty, understanding communication and to be known and loved.

just loved as me, for me, because of me....

just smile and know me, let me be myself and know you too. I would carry that moment...(afternoon?, smoke break?, eternity?) and meditate over it for years.

To see an example of deep conversation and lesson that is NOT  just me pretending alone.

Yes the zen person may snip 'what moment is not ultimately my pretending'

i think he just bats things away to avoid pain.

I want my pain to be contrasted with one clear  true example of dharma in a human being. And if i only look to my own self alone in this body alone.....i can only think that my idea of it is delusion. (for lots of reasons i think, but they are currently jumbled and rubix cubed up in here and THAT my dear zen friend is why i NEED a true guru to speak with also.)

NOT someone still struggling, still at the mercy of their  what evers....

I mean, it is frustrating to negate the drive to understand specifics, because specifics are *meaningless* in the grand scheme....

sounds like

sounds like

cosmic cop-out.

I only ever come up with what feels like askew views about zen and buddhism. I read " to  conquer the self is big big yummy goodness"

So i set about conquering the only thing i can....my thoughts and patterns and perceptions.

And zen people talk to me about traditions and strict symbology/'formology' and how i would never be accepted. In fact most buddhist high uppity up people leave me with the impression that i am simply unacceptable because i am undisciplined. (and not aiming to tie myself down to structured learning) 

And they roll their eyes and say they heard the story a million times. I am just one of a number of lost seekers with taste of the spiritual lollipop, thinking it had been a feast.

 

 (like i bore them among their enlightened buddies..and i am sure i must but even buddha started a million lives before he was Siddhartha ...he had to grow in buddhahood over many lives. Good thing he never asked the Dali Lama if he was going the right or wrong way because it sure does feel like enlightenment when it happens....and when more and more parts of it stick)

 

But to me purifying my motivations/awareness before and as thinking/ speaking/acting/reacting,  IS important. Is my practice of my zen. And i think it is in accord with seeking right behavior. Right concentration. etc.

it is like active Karma management.

(is there a buddhist term for that?)

 ****** SIDE BARRE*******

Then there is the idea of should i stay or should i go. If i am able to attain liberation when i die...but it is like selfish to do so....but the terrible dislike i have of being subject to ignorant people who cannot love in a world where there is only deception. Errrr...i say "ok i will come back i guess, but can i be not ignorant and continue and do good for people".....They say...."Why not go if you get the chance, the house is on fire."

(so confusing....Should i go?...Sure you can; but if you come back you start where you are now....    Can i go? Sure; but you will go to the next realm use up all your karma and be born a snail...   Can i stay?  Sure but you will come back to a communist world where you can't even find the dharma to help you get to where you are now,  good luck.  

      Can i just go then?  What are you;  selfish? 

  .....Can i become a bodhisatvha and turn their bullets and brainwashing into flowers and truth?

Um...That will never happen. 

And then there is the "if i come back, it might not even BE this earth realm...so it could or could not be just perfectly fine for me"

Why even worry at all about coming and going?)

 

   *** resume regularly scheduled rant***

I have my own terms because i have been living on the wild fruits that fall from my master's table.

My "guru" has abandoned me. That is why i am am so happy i am not a Hindu...or that would hurt sooooo  very much.

*and it hurts anyway as we may soon get to*

But sometimes it is happy hurts. Like....

So Lama i Like was telling a story about how she has gone rushing out to  a stranger before to tell them they need to practice Dharma.  I told my zen friend that if she did that to me, i hope i had the presence of mind to say...."well, where do you keep the brooms?"

 

There after i would groove myself on various scenarios.  And then get into how it is only ego fantasy. Truth is...

 

It will never happen.  It is strange vanity to imagine ....yet oh how fun it is.

 

I am planning on visiting the temple, so my fantasy has been about that.....and the feelings i will be going thru.

 

IN one fantasy there is a broom resting at the parking space i choose.

 

In another i simply sit in my car and cry.

Cry because, of the hurt i got the first time i tried to ask a monk about things ...insights. I wondered if it was enlightenment-like...not all totally, but is that where i am going to?

 

I was so shaking and embarrassed and could hardly speak words to him at all.

 

I get shaken up when i try to ask those i feel would be in the know,  anything about my self. But this was painful. He didn't scold me or anything......it was just the forbidden feeling in the air. And all the put down talk from the Dali Lama about  'don't tell him you are enlightened'

 

but

 

but

 

well.......

 

guess not then

 

but

 

but

 

 

well

 

And now i sit in a car crying because  all i want in my ego comforted. Or All i want is validation or the great unlocking key of ..........."Can i really accept this *but* unto myself?" "Is there a class about teaching others to get their heads out of their buts so they can be a whole ass too?"

 

Sit in this car because i want a child's validation of being special, having a purpose and a means to be suited to it and loved too ....help with a life time of neglect.

 

How selfish. Truly. Buddhism is all about to serve man. To love to heal the pain of others.

 

YES

 

yes

 but......when i understand my pain  and that my painful need IS their need.  I might ... i might

 

screw might....I do my level best to do that for the people i meet. To love them as themselves, for themselves because of themselves.

To see their *what evers* .....to see what i want the Lama to see in me. And i want to someday actively help them liberate themselves.

I am loosing my trains of thought so.. 

When i get back (you won't even notice that i am gone) I will try to write one of the fantasies that had dialogue. (maybe one and a half)

 

 ....

  Half one.....

 

   So i pull into the parking spot and Lama i Like is already standing there....i get out of the car and say "Ok,  so what's the second lesson, but first i pray you, protect me from insanity."

 

 One one....

 

   I park the car, from the spot i can see the stupa, there is no one else there today. i had wanted to be alone when i saw the Stupa and i felt fortunate.   

I slowly went over, i peered around to see if i was going to be alone....get real close and examine all the details, catch the feels what not. To ponder a moment over what very little knowledge i have about stupas. To admire that the only human flesh that have touched this stupa was....the one inside it really.

Whether a flawed ignorance or misunderstanding i smile, and then find a comfortable spot of cement near as i imagine would be in front of the dead guy.  And i sit silent, i sit listening, i sit talking softly to him.

Wondering wordlessly. I feel my crying pain too. I try to turn my feels and thoughts toward the liberation of all sentient beings. Then i cry more a while...not for myself but how i wish it where possible that Dharma...Buddha could begin to stir up...or ....if there is a god energy...let it be stirred up...if there is a logical and human self awareness and self preservation energy can't it be stirred up?

What ever stirred in me...it is the same thing in them all. Buddha Stir thyself.

And i feel helpless. I feel hopeless, i feel alone.

And after a while a nun wonders over to me.

Asks me if i am ok, why did i come here?

I am in pain. I told her. I was driven to visit today because I have lonely pain.

She tried to ask me to explain....i can see she expects to hear of heart ache, of bad boyfriends, of dead dogs.....and i know she can see that i am shuttering and crying because it is hard to talk.

 "Because i don't know if the pain that drew me here was my ego or him."