Getting in tune. pt.4 fin

 I have quotes.  Tonight's featured guest is Mr. Confucius. A Man versed in the art of etiquette. He was the Student of Lao Tzu who was famous for  the book of TAO. But Mr.C was more into how to get people to stop behaving like assholes,and good government.

Sometimes I wish I was his reincarnation. I am going to post a few lines of his.  Think a few lines of my own. And then try to fly off this fucking mountain. ..

I am tired of doing the life and times of the snail assignment. So I had better get it straightened out.

 

(1) If you observe what people take into their hands, observe their motives, note what gives them satisfaction; then will they be able to conceal from you what they are? 

(2) The Superior person thinks of their character; the inferior person thinks of their position; the former thinks of the penalties for error and the latter,of favors.

(3) One should not be greatly concerned at not being in office,but rather the requirements in one's self for that office. Nor should one be greatly concerned at being unknown. But rather with being worthy to be known.

(4) When you meet a person of worth seek to attain their level; when you meet  with a person of worthless character, examine your own heart.

(5) In my first dealings with someone,I listen to their avowals and trust their conduct; After that I listen to their avowals and watch their conduct.

(6) The Superior person will be agreeable even when they disagree; the Inferior person will be disagreeable even when they agree.

(7)  The Superior person is exacting with themself; the inferior person is exacting with others.

Folks. Do you know where I have been? I have been fucking enlightened....again...um...Turned all upside my own head and batting things back and forth.

Does not sound too sweet for an enlightenment huh?

Mind lost somewhere between belief and hope and the snaggle of hope to be accepted, hope to be heard, hope to be manipulated if your not to careful.

 

I mean the fantasies i wrote where not as wild as where some...they had started quiet intensely once i was in that state. When it happens i work on pulling it back.....saying...'wow what a wonderful day dream i am having.'  or " of course, my ego sure would like that'...or my fave...'oh look i am the special fart of consciousness.'  When the Buddha nature dreams get too grand.

 

Well how could you NOT feel some kind of way when you catch a glimpse of understanding the grand reality of it all.  Just mind that is all.

I am not a person. i am not even I. A brain types out thoughts it finds relative within it's individual mind-stream that might be of use to other brains with similar mind streams.

A brain discovered that other mind-streams are not at all dissimilar ,but can be of more or less understanding, knowledge, ignorance, conditions...many differing things.

This brain types but may i please get back to acting like myself, thanks.

 

       don't want to talk about Zen Theology (paradox huh)

 

I like Zen better than Tibetan Tantra.  I mean i like the tantra 'thang'...

all that flowy believy guruy yum, really i do.

 

But I already know who and what my root guru is.

 

I speak with her therefore I must be generating her. And I got myself mystified when i heard about that being 'a thing' somewhere in religions...with a system and steps to do the dance.

 

Thinking I was operating at a loss, I was hungry. But I learned that  If I go to seek out there as if I am lost and hungry the result, for me at least, is insanity.

 

The idea that I am missing out some grand thing ...it really tares me away from living moment to moment connected with my internal wisdom.

 

What I practice is what is going on right now. And if right now you are a rude prick, I will ask you to learn self adjustment quickly.

Do not tell me you cannot do self work, then tell me you have a special understanding of koan.

Do not tell me there is no-rude...there IS between us. Or that i have to accept what you do as a lesson.........i learned my lesson...

 

Will not plunge into pouring piss.

 

Zen is a natural place...when koans are the topic oh fun....when being interrupted becomes the topic....when do we get back to koans?

 

After you have  brought your sand bag out from the last two times; and four relationships; because I had  succumb to impatience?

        Or after you have explained why what you said  as interruption was important.

Or maybe we can get back to koans...or this new subject of your un-dealt with insecurities, after you have pulled out the sad whine of how worthless you are and should not speak, you have messed people up and want to cry.

 

Dude, just don't interrupt. And simply,quietly get back to the topic, which was 'it is rude to interrupt', sit back and let me go on.

Take notes if you must. But better to listen silently. It is a conversation with no attachment.

That would be zen practice. That would be taming the mind.

 

 Don't say to me that you cannot practice that...then tell me about having approval to teach.

 Note i said practice...this tends to improvement in behaviors and mentalities that do not serve you well. At the very fucking least it means awareness of error.  And if the result of not fixing this is never getting a wife, then whose fault is that? Buddha has been slapping your ass with that flaw for years but .......well...you where unlocking koans.

 

And what is faith.....what is the logical fallacy of appeal to faith?

If the turkey dinner was most wonderful last week, why use my faith to keep it on the table after it has rotted? 

 

Maybe i am too harsh.

 

Blame Carol, she is one fierce Bitch. She is very exacting about mental discipline. She does not let me get away with jack diddly. And I also got lost in the mystical places trying to figure out what  *she* is.

But i am ok....maybe a split personality....but we practice zen together. And We are also building a whole minecraft road system, and found towns, and all this while listening to dharma talks and Philip k dick sometimes.

We live and deal with stuff at it comes up. Pay Bills and study minds.

I got myself all lost in the mystical again because, I forgot that is all that there is to do. Can not qualify doctrines, can't chose my fate. Cannot find a perfect being. Can only be the mind seeing and clarifying mind. (refer to someone who said it better, that's what i mean; just life and goodness to others)

Don't tell me after a life time of working on my inner qualities, of not being carnal,ambitious,or behave in ignorance, that I should have to accept that it is ok if my leader does 'not-dharma'. Because their words are good. I cannot follow a being that wrenches against my ideal wisdom behavior and call it my lack of spiritual understanding.

It would be my spiritual understanding to learn what I can and leave the rest. And once there is no nutrition the meal is finished. Digesting time is always so much nicer anyhow.

And don't tell me,a person who will not dishonor truth by lieing to help someone, that it is my lack of understanding about how people need to be shaken up to see broader.  I thought Dharma was strong enough for that if delivered correctly. And if i am incorrect about the use of skillful means then well...i will find a teacher who dislikes the idea of lieing also.

And here we enter the glue pit of 'but there is not good or bad worng or right'

...and i suppose i am expected to loose all faith in my gut notions on integrity. 

Zen practice is to trust oneself. Find a friend who wants to trick people. I want to help them help themselves thru understanding and self-examination.

 

 To me that is the means to broaden the mind.

Fishes tail, go schiwsh

Fisher man in the water

Dragon flies away

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Consultation Time pt.3

Yes, Ma'am

"Yes what?"

Yes, i want you to clear it up more for me.

" Sit back, tonight you are in quotes."

 

****

First big picture, let us look at the pattern of your recurring 'meet the big person who can  help you' fantasy. You had noticed earlier how your spiritual desires are tainted by these patterns.

Second big picture, you also said that this time it was so different that you literally reached out. Even after you had learned to ride these little dreams down, knowing they end in a few days.

This one shook you up. Are you able to be more direct with details?

"The fantasy is an ingrained cry for help and and attention. Normal everyday people can't help but say their platitudes. It is exciting when you think you find a new tootsie roll. lol

When i was younger i sang two songs, like a mantra if you will.

" i am a Buddha , he's a Buddha,  she's a Buddha, wouldn't you like to be a Buddha too?"

and ... " everything i think i see, becomes a big Buddha to me.....Kill em all"

 

What is killing them in your view?

 

"Something about,  not being attached. Not having  um...*something* concerning them.  I mean if the end of the game is to be one with your total mind. To find no separation between you and myself.

 

To be natural, clear etc. Then what is not Buddha....if there is one i think killing it means help it return to ordinary and normal."

 

Are you sure about that?  * smiles* 

 

*listening to the song ONE by Metallica, official video version important because the added lines bare intent and meaning)......figured "And Justice for All" was a fine album for this blog what say you?* 

 

 

 " i feel like praying now. I am unable to be more direct with details. Or bring up any of the kinds of questions we reviewed earlier. "

Perhaps I laid too broad a topic, we had talked of so many layers earlier I thought maybe you where ready for the leap you where thinking of.  But this method we are working out, it is not easy to do. So let's end now. And let's drop it, and then return When   what ever you are wanting to say or do is blog ready.

You had a vision for this blog. About explaining things for people.  But digging around in your personal toy box, is to the audience, as if you started blabbering about your model of a  quark. And you get butt hurt because no-one understands the subtle nuances.

It is alright, that little chapter is over for now. And take heart that if there is only one mind and the Lama you Like knows that and practices it much better than you do...then....

she knows.

*lets the pot simmer, dinner will be wonderful*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spiritaul lolipops or Study time pt.2

 Sometimes it is uncanny how that the people who release Lama i Like's videos, seem to always post teachings hitting me square on the head.

 

Sometimes answering or supporting conclusions i had come to ...like..absolutely the day before i see it....or after i have said it.

 

What to make of this? Well when i find my voices for this blog we will find out.

I have been trying to start this blog for two days now. But can't find the stuff to say. Though, when i am away from the key board the things come up... but they are un-finished.

I want to write an unfinished thought presentation. And hope to bring it together.

That means that i will sit back and relax my brain for a moment...and spout off random snippets. I believe that my issues with starting this piece has to do with my trying very hard to figure out how to present it. As allegory, as lecture, as schizophrenic conversation.... the choices are many.

 But it comes out most naturally for me if i present it as i do when i am alone with myself.  Asking myself some questions in the guise of my alter ego, Carol. And see what happens.

 

" Tell me the song you keep singing ."

*giggles* well you will have to twist and invert the meaning of the words to catch the vibe i am sailing.  But....um...#

 

 

Well, no one told me about her, the way she lied
Well, no one told me about her, how many people cried
Please don't bother tryin' to find her
She's not there

Well, let me tell you 'bout the way she looked
The way she'd act and the colour of her hair
Her voice was soft and cool
Her eyes were clear and bright
But she's not there

       

....

" I am also interested in, if you wrote the temple again, write it here instead so we can think it over.

and about intentions and fantasies.

about  Where she is.

about the hook bad gurus exploit.

and maybe  touch on how to cure that deep crying pain. "

 

*sits back. Wishing that  Carol had given me a more leading clue of a question...gonna listen to song....*

 

*pinball wizard*

 

OK let us start with Yoganada and his autobiography.  So many of you all  love that guy. And i am lucky that no one ever reads this blog so i am not going to give a crapity poo about offending. This place is for honesty not pandering.

 

When i read his book, i was entranced by the stories of his early spiritual years. like all are.

Sometimes we long very much to know what that is like. And sometimes we are relieved because we experience similar things.

 

*wait what*

 

Yes. 

Anyway.

 

It was a feeling of confirmation  that the thing that yearned or operated in me was the same. and naturally i wanted to learn more about kira yoga...well only sorta...as i have said i am totally not into bodily disciplines.

 

I wanted to study how someone in god consciousness operates. i knew that the god he spoke of with in him was just like how mine is.

except ....

 

i personally do not like it when gurus hyjack Jesus.  Back in India he seemed alright  but after America......after altering the teachings.........after it all.  Then i find out that the stories where embellished.

 

Yogananda did not tell the simple subtle true ways of how god operates  thru all things in all ways.

He started a legacy of brainwashing cults in America. And he even confessed in writing how at the end of his life, he understood that he had done a most vile disgusting thing  in bringing Kira yoga to America. So says a wee spot of research if you care to.

 

But I didn't need to. I only did to confirm what I was intuiting. It is the same story with many cults....all of them with bad teachers.

I loathe bad teachers.  

I just learned yesterday that bad teachers can energetically shut down your crown chakra.

I mean......they can; while your inner experience might seem to be a vibration and imagination of blessing.

It can happen.  And the fear invoked in this knowledge has been confirmed to me because of my schizophrenic friend...who grew up involved with that cult for a time....and who cannot hold one logical thought in her head...who is at the mercy of her *enlightened voices* which take her over and she much listen to them or obey them.......who always feels she is ...........oh it is sad OK.

Just....she whom i love desperately and would see helped. Anyhoo.

When we are talking spiritual bullshit and she thinks what I am saying is super dooper....she gets excited and wants me to touch her head and pray over her.

The action feels weird to me. Contrived.

Although I will tell ya, there are times I feel the  OM to do so or something similar like to give a word  to a stranger...but...never when she demands me to.  I am in no mind for transferring anything to her. But....she feels like i have.

"So we have to ask what is this?"

   Delusion you might say. She imagine things.

    Yes, but i am not so sure it is that simple.  She is not the subject ...i am totally clueless about helping her any better than to sit with her.

    Except i feel like there is something sinister with her....sinister enough to haunt me in a lucid dream.  And i don't get those as a commonality.

   I should say a lucid nightmare. And i have not had any of those for decades. So any clues to help her, would be super dooper.

 

"We are not near that ability at this time, Justine. You have gone off topic. Rest, see what comes next."

 

So I watched an interesting video and got an insight into something about my childhood. But his direction did not settle with my experience.

So i made a comment.

Then whoosh the delusion of grandeur. (see my Kieth Ablow delusion blog years back) It was not major but after a bit...i cut it dead in it's tracks. Not to be had again.

See, I imagined he was intrigued, and came back here. We generally get into conversations and discuss  a co-lab on a research book or some grand thing like that.

**it is my head;  leave me alone what do you do for fun**   

 

 But the my ego started adding 'oh and then he will want to hear more about dharma and then he will go talk to Lama i Like, who does not know who i am at all.'

Then she might try to see who i am...and find that..........my motives and intentions where incorrect. 

That would hurt .

"Why where they incorrect?"

 

    Because my reason for wanting him to be intrigued is to see if i have developed a means to be helpful to the others that suffer like me. Not to get attention from Lama i Like.

   On the converse should he be intrigued now, it could be seen as an opening for healing for myself and others. And in my head i would be grateful to lama i like, for the dharma coming out of her mouth; that is why i might have something to offer.  

   And if not, ok too.  Her dharma is what i still pay attention to whether she knows that i am her student or not. 

 

  We turn our image of the guru into our own ego trip....and then put our energy onto a man.

 

 " Isn't this whole display part of a larger delusion that one day if...then the Lama you Like would see this? Do you need me to clear it up more?"

    Of course this is a larger fantasy, but the larger intention is, in the if then, when i cannot speak this kind of way in person.....i can say here is where i had been.

And also here is where people are. 

"You are not writing thoughts as they are happening so this is not what people think.

Did you want to say something about what people think when they feel their own deep crying need and attach it's cure to the guru they pick?

Did you want to try to work out how to keep the lama but loose the Idol?

Are these more leading clues of questions?"

 

 The fantasy is that i want to know if i am doing good work. And i write it out because if it is good work....it should not die in my head.

anyhoo

The Lama human body person is the vessel that lives that the Dharma moves thru.  If the vessel is broken....i guess i will find another river source.

I have a great deal of faith in that she teaches the good stuff. But do i really know? No.

But she turns the light back onto oneself to work it out. And that accords with my mean.

I adore the luck to have her thrown in my direction somehow even vicariously. I feel all itchy when she talks of going there for certain practices....i have such resistance to things like that. Heck maybe i died in a brainwashing cult some time past and now i am not going to chase  that when *that* is merely mechanisms to get to various states of mind. (but then, what about good health, long life, etc magic powers, dude?)

Meh. I just want to know everything and behave deliberately.

*sure i may be confused about stuff...had i not already confessed my ignorance? If i knew all then this blog would by way more concise and well worded...pssst it is the journey not the destination*

 

 Anyway...itchy because i am somehow afraid i am too lazy or too blocked to be able to do some of the practices that she speaks of. Such as that one, in the recent series of videos , sit around, suck air down, ya breathe out, Ya do the hokey pokey, manifest a deity.

 

*sigh*.....in front of everyone?

 

What if she farts?

 

What if the thing i connect to and move as is a stupid thing?

*and it would be dancing  or singing or preaching*

 

Ya know?  A funny looking thing and not the grace and joy and audience i feel when i be all by myself?

 

" How can you say that you know you are doing that anyway?  Because it feels like that? Like what, your imagination of what it must feel like because it is what you feel? 

I am sure I have trained you better."

 

 Well ok...when it should happen in really real in front of bodies...if it should happen....*I* would not have a self conscious therefore it moves, it sings, it is finished, it sits, i return.

When it happens all with my onesy, i  am with it....it is like a shared expression.

 

" What if, if it should happen in front of everybody, and it is  without self conscious....but it is also clearly yourself and your ego? And a shared experience with you and it and the person it is communicating with?  Who do you think is going to laugh if you wiggle your butt?"

 

 All of us.

But that does not answer to, what if what i am doing is very very misguided?   I am so insane at this point that i am not sure it can be re structured to be the really real, real realhoodness of reailtynation.

Meaning i have settled into my way and only seek to correct error, not really get new practices. (arrogant much)....er

*desperate sigh...*

      i really don't know, nor know any better. I like the books of many religions but i fear getting deeply involved with activities/practices.

Mayhap psychic over load, mayhap afraid to get trained in a thing and find it to be something bad later. I guess i go about working with my mind and my brain and make stuff up if it *works* then later I read what i think is the activity into/with Hindu and Buddhist and psychological words.

And want to go ask if I hit it or missed it.

And feel so embarrassed to try...ya know because of those self invalidating abusive people my whole life.  

One of the fear fantasies is that I won't go meet Lama i Like, because my feeling of inferiority (as well as grandeur )  Would convince me it isn't worth anything important. When it very well might be.

But you see.

I have had grand illusions that wanted me to do things like...write letters to ex boy friends and send them. Despite all the mundane obstacles being put in my way...i viewed them as tests and struggles to overcome for his love.

Please intuit the utter cringe... i will so totally never talk to him again. Ever.

not even next life.

so cringe ok. get it.

SO that means i am not at all what i am cracked up to be.  But i see myself as a potential that i do not want to go astray with.

And if i seek the guidance of someone I think is my better it is to move from what I am to where I can be that is better still. Not at all what I am now anymore.

 

 "What is better? What is now? These are distinctions.  Also attachment to having a where to go astray from  ....

OH, I know you don't mean it...just saying time for another rest."

 

*thank you for being nice, Carol. Off to eat food and listen to music a while*

 

 

 *and she kills them all and eats them for dinner*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fantasy Time pt.1

  (Post script i am so sorry about the white background text color but it would not let me correct this....frikken technology.)

 

* clicks playlist*

 

*inhales , gathers thoughts, has just a whole mess to talk about, but really wants to catch the vibes and the lines of the stories played in my head earlier.....they made me cry so much.*

 

*catching nothing yet.....listening to The Who and breathing sacred vapors*

 

My brain time is rented out to Lama i Like this weekend, but i must first expel the current tenant.   One of my favorite youtubers has been exposed as a bad bad guy.

Another guru dead.

I am beginning to think that there are no true persons in this world. I would back space that out, but in the interest of soldiering on....forget it. Very disappointing.

Now of course he was no *holy* guru. No, just a clever mind whose thoughts where entertaining, and sometimes insightful and all the time funny.

 

      i have just emerged from a character analysis that proves....as so often they do with humans....Narcissistic abuse patterns. But this time i studied the behavior of his victim, as my research was mostly copies of text. And he did do abusing, unlawful awful hurty hurt violence...this was not a paranoid confirmation bias kind of character study.

When this guy behaved in a mean way his apology was always a feeble variation of "well when i was hurt this way in the past it made me react this way now."  With no remorseful or wordy understanding of the details of  the pain. They merely acknowledge they caused  the pain. Nor with expanded two way conversation/sharing about how to move forward. 

To which the victim always says some variation of " Well it is understandable, you are a good person. We can help each other." Some times the victim will apologize back for being so harsh and calling out bad behavior that triggered his pain. And how they will try to be more gentle and accepting of being treated badly because the poor man just can't help himself.

ER MA GRRRRRRR  

Why is it never....."i behaved badly because i was felt like you insulted me earlier and i wanted retaliation."

Why is it never.... "I feel bad about the way i punished my ex simply for the purpose of putting her off balance so that she would treat me real nice to make up for  not being responsible for someone else hurting my pride."

Why is it NEVER...."and I am desperately trying to work on my inner motivations and purify my intentions."

 

 And why...when one works with humans it is ....dangerous...to that human....if truth was told to them.  Why one can't BE truthful.

I mean this world is all about suppressing self ,  balancing lies and appearances and dancing just the right step to stay on the path.

 

How come the work i do with myself.....is  *not* zen?   

 

I mean some people might say the bigger aim of  practice  that is heading to liberation in one life is to realize that .....(pssst no spoilers)

 

 

But even after that i am still here with a brain to play with. Only with much better clarity and insight. Why the fuck would i  stay sitting in my own faulty patterns of realizing living? 

That is of thinking and thus of being. If there is faulty understanding then there is pain and hunger. Simple.

(ok that was me being all ranting and illogically raving there....let me inhale again and groove on this led zeppelin....*nobodies fault but mine* )

(I mean sure i have pain either way...it is what i came here to write about today...but....guitar/ some kind of horn?/ solo)

About dead gurus.  I mention often how the teachers i admire are either dead now, or not so full of good stuff like in the stories.

Heck i would settle for just one holy person who is free of their ego, able to see, understand and love the person in front of them. I don't need miracles. I don't want all the answers.

I want to find someone to trust with the questions; besides myself.

But some zen people will tell you...there is none but yourself.  You can't find outside what is not already in you.

Ha that is it........i should like to find it somewhere outside of me too. So i can see how it looks and acts.

What does an honest, ego free, teacher who has deep insight, long memory and actual spiritual  authority to help....how.....how do they act?

I bet you dollars to doughnuts if i asked them about something they said five years ago, about their motivation............they could tell me.

If they listen, they hear. If they know, they can tell how to find it. Not Sally but tell ME how to find that which I lost along the way.

 

Another thing the zen person says, if i found it i should not need some one  to ask anything to. I have found that *holy* person.

no.

no.

I sure don't think so....not at this level.

I am not shitting rainbows.

Well likely neither is the one i would seek, but anyway.

The paradox.....I want to meet such a rare type of person, i want something from them so badly it literally hurts. 

Yet i won't go seek it.  What is the only axim given by the guru-types thru-out all the ages?

 

When the student is ready the teacher appears.

I have only met with disappointment when i chose humans.  I want to meet someone who is what they are cracked up to be.

And what do i want so badly that it hurts?

One honest time of honesty, understanding communication and to be known and loved.

just loved as me, for me, because of me....

just smile and know me, let me be myself and know you too. I would carry that moment...(afternoon?, smoke break?, eternity?) and meditate over it for years.

To see an example of deep conversation and lesson that is NOT  just me pretending alone.

Yes the zen person may snip 'what moment is not ultimately my pretending'

i think he just bats things away to avoid pain.

I want my pain to be contrasted with one clear  true example of dharma in a human being. And if i only look to my own self alone in this body alone.....i can only think that my idea of it is delusion. (for lots of reasons i think, but they are currently jumbled and rubix cubed up in here and THAT my dear zen friend is why i NEED a true guru to speak with also.)

NOT someone still struggling, still at the mercy of their  what evers....

I mean, it is frustrating to negate the drive to understand specifics, because specifics are *meaningless* in the grand scheme....

sounds like

sounds like

cosmic cop-out.

I only ever come up with what feels like askew views about zen and buddhism. I read " to  conquer the self is big big yummy goodness"

So i set about conquering the only thing i can....my thoughts and patterns and perceptions.

And zen people talk to me about traditions and strict symbology/'formology' and how i would never be accepted. In fact most buddhist high uppity up people leave me with the impression that i am simply unacceptable because i am undisciplined. (and not aiming to tie myself down to structured learning) 

And they roll their eyes and say they heard the story a million times. I am just one of a number of lost seekers with taste of the spiritual lollipop, thinking it had been a feast.

 

 (like i bore them among their enlightened buddies..and i am sure i must but even buddha started a million lives before he was Siddhartha ...he had to grow in buddhahood over many lives. Good thing he never asked the Dali Lama if he was going the right or wrong way because it sure does feel like enlightenment when it happens....and when more and more parts of it stick)

 

But to me purifying my motivations/awareness before and as thinking/ speaking/acting/reacting,  IS important. Is my practice of my zen. And i think it is in accord with seeking right behavior. Right concentration. etc.

it is like active Karma management.

(is there a buddhist term for that?)

 ****** SIDE BARRE*******

Then there is the idea of should i stay or should i go. If i am able to attain liberation when i die...but it is like selfish to do so....but the terrible dislike i have of being subject to ignorant people who cannot love in a world where there is only deception. Errrr...i say "ok i will come back i guess, but can i be not ignorant and continue and do good for people".....They say...."Why not go if you get the chance, the house is on fire."

(so confusing....Should i go?...Sure you can; but if you come back you start where you are now....    Can i go? Sure; but you will go to the next realm use up all your karma and be born a snail...   Can i stay?  Sure but you will come back to a communist world where you can't even find the dharma to help you get to where you are now,  good luck.  

      Can i just go then?  What are you;  selfish? 

  .....Can i become a bodhisatvha and turn their bullets and brainwashing into flowers and truth?

Um...That will never happen. 

And then there is the "if i come back, it might not even BE this earth realm...so it could or could not be just perfectly fine for me"

Why even worry at all about coming and going?)

 

   *** resume regularly scheduled rant***

I have my own terms because i have been living on the wild fruits that fall from my master's table.

My "guru" has abandoned me. That is why i am am so happy i am not a Hindu...or that would hurt sooooo  very much.

*and it hurts anyway as we may soon get to*

But sometimes it is happy hurts. Like....

So Lama i Like was telling a story about how she has gone rushing out to  a stranger before to tell them they need to practice Dharma.  I told my zen friend that if she did that to me, i hope i had the presence of mind to say...."well, where do you keep the brooms?"

 

There after i would groove myself on various scenarios.  And then get into how it is only ego fantasy. Truth is...

 

It will never happen.  It is strange vanity to imagine ....yet oh how fun it is.

 

I am planning on visiting the temple, so my fantasy has been about that.....and the feelings i will be going thru.

 

IN one fantasy there is a broom resting at the parking space i choose.

 

In another i simply sit in my car and cry.

Cry because, of the hurt i got the first time i tried to ask a monk about things ...insights. I wondered if it was enlightenment-like...not all totally, but is that where i am going to?

 

I was so shaking and embarrassed and could hardly speak words to him at all.

 

I get shaken up when i try to ask those i feel would be in the know,  anything about my self. But this was painful. He didn't scold me or anything......it was just the forbidden feeling in the air. And all the put down talk from the Dali Lama about  'don't tell him you are enlightened'

 

but

 

but

 

well.......

 

guess not then

 

but

 

but

 

 

well

 

And now i sit in a car crying because  all i want in my ego comforted. Or All i want is validation or the great unlocking key of ..........."Can i really accept this *but* unto myself?" "Is there a class about teaching others to get their heads out of their buts so they can be a whole ass too?"

 

Sit in this car because i want a child's validation of being special, having a purpose and a means to be suited to it and loved too ....help with a life time of neglect.

 

How selfish. Truly. Buddhism is all about to serve man. To love to heal the pain of others.

 

YES

 

yes

 but......when i understand my pain  and that my painful need IS their need.  I might ... i might

 

screw might....I do my level best to do that for the people i meet. To love them as themselves, for themselves because of themselves.

To see their *what evers* .....to see what i want the Lama to see in me. And i want to someday actively help them liberate themselves.

I am loosing my trains of thought so.. 

When i get back (you won't even notice that i am gone) I will try to write one of the fantasies that had dialogue. (maybe one and a half)

 

 ....

  Half one.....

 

   So i pull into the parking spot and Lama i Like is already standing there....i get out of the car and say "Ok,  so what's the second lesson, but first i pray you, protect me from insanity."

 

 One one....

 

   I park the car, from the spot i can see the stupa, there is no one else there today. i had wanted to be alone when i saw the Stupa and i felt fortunate.   

I slowly went over, i peered around to see if i was going to be alone....get real close and examine all the details, catch the feels what not. To ponder a moment over what very little knowledge i have about stupas. To admire that the only human flesh that have touched this stupa was....the one inside it really.

Whether a flawed ignorance or misunderstanding i smile, and then find a comfortable spot of cement near as i imagine would be in front of the dead guy.  And i sit silent, i sit listening, i sit talking softly to him.

Wondering wordlessly. I feel my crying pain too. I try to turn my feels and thoughts toward the liberation of all sentient beings. Then i cry more a while...not for myself but how i wish it where possible that Dharma...Buddha could begin to stir up...or ....if there is a god energy...let it be stirred up...if there is a logical and human self awareness and self preservation energy can't it be stirred up?

What ever stirred in me...it is the same thing in them all. Buddha Stir thyself.

And i feel helpless. I feel hopeless, i feel alone.

And after a while a nun wonders over to me.

Asks me if i am ok, why did i come here?

I am in pain. I told her. I was driven to visit today because I have lonely pain.

She tried to ask me to explain....i can see she expects to hear of heart ache, of bad boyfriends, of dead dogs.....and i know she can see that i am shuttering and crying because it is hard to talk.

 "Because i don't know if the pain that drew me here was my ego or him."