a mildly visious rant

Hello. well i had a groovy experience today....i desided not to go to church because i was in a confused atheistisc mindset.....i was recovering my internal peace today and didn't want to cause trouble in the church.....

but something happened... plot found me.


the pastor called to haraunge me about church attentence and wanted to share his sermon with me in attempt to pursuade me to "be in the right place at the right time" and that place of course was in his meetings.

his message was perfectly reasonable,and no argument from me about his biblical logic and intent except this.....


for me.....my morning experience had been in prayer, and just moments before he called i was praying for him.......my pray was a question to god about how come my pastor poo poos when i have a holy ghost revelation?


why he likes to hear about impressions and visions and spiritual agreement sometimes but stops me form speaking my specific impressions?


and whamo! the pastor called.


(forgive my psychosis i would like to say that is amen-able in my book)


how is it that his call and his massage happened to him this day?
for me the experience was nice i took it as a personal howdy do and confiding in me the pangs of our dwindling numbers.

i asked to interject and witnessed about how his calling to talk to me is an answer to a prayer and that he called me and i was home is the being in the right place and time for us.


he was impervious to reason.

i spoke clear, hopefully........i was in agreement by my perception not one thing he said was untrue for me..only difference was i was living the promise and he is wanting to watch the promise happening in his church.

he is very neigh mental breakdown by my interpretation.


his sermon did actually come out and say the trouble with the church is the people in it........he did pour out his blood today.

it broke my heart


it broke my mind


how do i interpret this........he is within his religion meme and seems to be heading toward insanity.

because he is too disappointed to question himself

that's my take on it anyway....at least that is a stage in the process i have personally been thru and know the pain of.

and otherwise.....if my experience today was merely my subjective reality..........here is what i gathered.......there where less than 30 people today. i gave the pastor a little humor of well at least the people i been praying for are here.

lol
anyway


i felt like the people where apathetic today...i felt like their discouragement was evident.......it was mine i guess. perhaps today my desire to cling died...........well i don't want to be deluded into thinking everyone feels like i do.


but today it seemed to be dripping from the pews and pulpit.


that's the trouble with mental illness........you can't even be sure your feeling the true impression, unless you ask, and you hope what you ask is not nuts..and it totally floors you when the other humans says i KNOW EXACTLY how you feel and you can dump it on them..........and then suddenly they freeze like you just pulled out your tit if you say ..yes that JUST like James told me.........

whose James...oh um.......my imaginary friend....ummm............weren't we just now agreeing to the content of our thoughts a second ago.
....

yeah but you credit your understanding to James and he is not real...

oh....i don't let that bother me.

anyway


(i told the pastor that my heart bleeds for him and if he'd forgive the harshness, i have lost my religion and i have found my faith....and what the church needs is evidence the living Christ within them and we have to admit that something in Christ message got lost over 2000 years. and though it can be found in the bible.. . its right in there...........the holy spirit in you teaching you.)

sure i used his illusion....the boy ain't ready for mine.


i pray for wisdom

i hope i am obedient

i pray mostly that his delicate and hurting mind have a smooth and faithful transition.



i did not like the idea of him having to go thru this pain... it is like dieing.

dieing hurts

something died in me today.


before when i lost my faith in religion........i took the view of it is just another religion and i can find truth relative to other truths in it.


it is not the interpretation of the bible you chose to obey for yourself.......i don't speak about that.



i speak of........the thing that died in me and is not like the first thing that died in me.


the first thing was boo hoo my bible is flawed and not the word of god.

but i kept getting reconverted.


(interpretation...delusion...desparation because well there is no other answer that does not involve my own painful dieing)

i could expound on that with many images but that takes me away from what i am having a hard time getting to.

this second thing that died makes me seem to see the emptiness of the words with non deludable starkness.


and i am thinking wheres the ones who are finding their god to be similar to my god, and using the christian frame work to understand him by??????? where are they


they where not in church today by my interpretation.

though i did get a little ranting on with Chris..
anyway again.... i think i have lost my point within all the above.


i have no point
even my grand personal christ complex is not my point.


its like i don't care.........and it is also like who am i to have personal happiness ( if i do have it at all ) or spiritual wisdom masked in any form you wanna speak it if.....general humanity does not speak form the personal heart anyway,



that's one rant......the other is HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW

i am tired of why


i answered all my whys........


now i need to know how.


how do i reach my pastor? how do i live their christian Jesus life and help them realise they can also with out the trappings of brainwashing?


well perhaps my jesus thing is my illusion.i don't want them to have my illusion, i want them to have the god they wanted.



but it is hard to describe and hard to teach and hard hard hard.



it is


it is


and painful


so do ya wanna get started?