Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Twelve

**** George***

The white cloth mocks me, it began this morning while I was shaving. It announced, "who not just leave it off?"

The Reformer already left, and took Diana with her, and Jerry was REALLY interested in repairing his breaks, he had his car up on ramps digging into one project or another for the entire week. But mostly avoiding company. And I had a list of items, and a permission note to purchase in Mistress Carol's name.

Honestly no one would know. I mean..

Here it was like family, part of the scene. No one bothers me about it, I feel different, observing has been educational. But when I go into town I will be ... the observed. Now, Kehsharthians aren't strange about public displays of discipline. And besides, maybe the fact that I am serving Carol will gain me sympathy.

The air really feels good on my cheek, and a nervous tingle rises in my stomach. My eyes drift through my window to the garage doors where the reformer showed me her collection. There were pristine models of two rare cars. One was a blue and white 1957 Farelane and a jet grey 1969 StingRay. When asked to chose I had barely time to blink when the ray keys and the list where put in my hand.

The reformer didn't let even a twinkle belay her knowledge that the skin under this cloth started to sweat. One in a life time opportunity to drive this super cool chick magnet.........but........well under not so proud conditions. Think about having to communicate with the clerks.... I mean.....

It really serves no practical purpose to ware this thing.

I mused over other troubling things while I dressed. The reformer subtly remarked the we had grown complacent. And she spent the evening with that deep thought look... Shudders.

Deep thought look.... she doesn't move, once we ...well she sat still for almost three hours. We HAD to....in the interest of science..er health. I noticed first..and shook my hands for their attention and hushness. Jerry shrugged that he was already aware and Diana got panicky, she didn't know what we where talking about. But I showed her, Reformer was not breathing.

Diana jutted her hands to her hips. Jerry was about to laugh out. Diana made jesters trying to explain Reformer was sleeping. To prove my point I signaled time out and got a hand mirror........and damned skippy, she didn't breath while I held it there. Then the reformer asked me if she's alive and a good time was had by all.

No notice of any white cloth....that mocked me again....

I combed my hair and with quivering tied the trap into place, if I was going to lose this game it would certainly not be for simple disobedience.

But, your not a citizen, ..........and my eyelids become heavy, and I firmly looked at my reflection but by god I am Keshathrian. My manhood and I shared an emotionally turbulent endless drive into town.


I had been determined to at least enjoy the drive in, when that was over I parked and looked forward to the drive back. This was just a thing, a common possibility. All I have to do is follow orders, be humble and respectable. A Lady sternly gilded the amused chirp of her youngster as I walked by. My shame made a knot in my solar plexus, but I kept to my objective, walking straight to the clerk and offering him the notes.

He studied them. "So your a ward of Carol's eh? Might have known. So what cha in for..." the clerk amused him self...I patiently sighed "no no Don't tell me!" And some eavesdroppers began to huddle. I heard them huddle. The clerk gave me directions to the location of the items and noting the car in front he offered to arrange delivery before evening.

I learned stealthily that because of Carol's reputation in this town, I was afforded no sympathy. That just blows my whole schism ya know.

One person whispered ' i wonder what he's in trouble for' and mentioned....Carol once had a murderer in her reform. Others discussed Carol's success rate. Some mocked and postulated my possible sins. Was I a bad lawyer one asked a random huddler.

When the ordeal was over I wanted to die, I begged the sky for a nice drive home. But.

I adjusted the mirrors carefully, I looked all directions. There was a person waiting on my spot, he drove a Dark blue sedan and looked impatient. I took my eyes off the mirrors and put the car into gear. And drove a jet grey streak the length if his rear quarter panel. I was mortified, I couldn't move for several minuets after he got out of his car and was screaming at my window, drawing a crowd.

I remembered my reformee protocols as if by instinct, I lowered my head and motioned for permission to get out of the car. The store clerk explained to the man that i was not permitted to speak. But the man wasn't having it, he demanded to hear why I wasn't paying attention. And who's going to pay for the damages. I protested by emphatic no gestures and pointing to imply that it was him at fault.

This only raised his ire. He began to promise that I'd be his handy-man for six months. The Store clerk had been huddling and he approached the irate man cautiously. " Sir, we think the matter is not so simple, permit the boy to exchange information and settle it with his Mistress later." Reason flickered absently by him as he turned to look at the damage to his car. He was quacking in his rage, and blew up at me again, this time ranting about my being a prisoner. But the store clerk wasn't listening. He walked over to me and offered to call Carol for me.

After explaining the situation to her he handed the the phone to me. " Shh, you are doing very well George now put the other man on this phone!"

I must say I really did enjoy watching his face turn pale as he muttered the occasional yes, well i... no no... i just....yes Ma'am." and hung up the phone.

He looked at me a long moment "It has come to my attention, George that the accident may be my fault as well. I didn't signal that I going to take a different spot before I accelerated. And that's when we collided. To apologise for the way I disregarded you, if you agree I will cover half your expenses by instalment. Or take it to Carol to discern." He offered his hand, I scanned myself for fault and finding I had not checked the mirror before I accelerated, and I politely accepted it.

The drive home was triumphant, the sound system intoxicating, the detours lengthy.

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Eleven

*****Jerry*****

I had been feeling lonely since Mistress put the "gag order" on George. It's been nearly a month. Diana has been really testy lately, pissing and moaning and taking her sweet time with her room project. Thing is Mistress isn't like a drill sargent she doesnt pressure at all, just interacts when diana starts freaking out. "being rude" Mistress calls is.

Lets see so far we learned Msitress doesn't like rudeness, vows, curses, stubborness, rebellion, self pitty, self doubt, and ummm lieing. But we cant be too sure about that because lies tell the truth. So i am mentally challenged make no mistake. But I see another person in or better stated not in her eyes. She spends many hours alone in her room, and really only talks when spoken to. Shes elegant. But as George always said..never fuck with the ones that carry whips.

Gawd I miss talking with him. I hate this silence treatment. And I feel as if I need to escape. and so I did. I dont know how I did it but I escaped today. Mistress had gone to work and I was agaitated and wanted pot. Needed it. I know it might be against the rules...but she did, didn't say I could not ..the only conversation we had about pot was ....'if i needed a lesson in addiction managment she'd be on call.' and it's been eating away at me.

Diana caught me as I was standing by the phone." What do you want to talk to Her for?" I incredulously blew her off. "Have you ever tried to call out?" Diana nodded yes ." Have you ever wanted to reach another line?" I asked curiously. George sounded off with a sarcastic applause and half of a mock 'proud father' face. I laughed, and watched Diana process the moment. "Yeah but what will you say when it dials Madam? Ahh haaa cant get past that. Umm Wrong number mistress I meant to report you for abuse instead?" and she laughed herself to her room.
I stayed there reaching for the phone and drawing an empty sweaty palm back to my chin, and paceing. George finally got tired of me not doing it that he went back about his work.

Finially I steeled my gut and dialed my dope man Steve, gave him directions to the convience store and met him there.

Why did she plant that temptation? I was happy How dare she mess up what i built up? I wont ask her outright, George might've but not me. Then I remembered my guilt. Master Rob would have been dissapointed, but I feel so good right now. How could he disapprove? It isnt Illeagle, but technically it is to me as a reformee, so.....I broke the law...

And with these musings in progress is left my room and joined the others. There was a comedy show on called "are you happyier now". I was really paying attention to the dialouge in the show because it triggered things I was museing. George was intencely interested as well. Diana was grumbling at her knitting but there where some jokes she reacted to.

I started laughing....

" Something different on your mind Jerry?" Mistress asked while flipping channels.
"It's just that we are all very interested in this show, and it's dumb."
"The show is what ever you make of it." Then she stopped clicking and I heared the television say . "confess...you know you love choclate,....." and I sat back just watching mindlessly.

This house was wicked strange, strange things always occured, strange coincidences. I finally went to bed, exhaused.

**** George****
Today i was given the privilidge to drive. Let's just say WHAT........
I cant imagine what I did to earn it ... and I am not so sure it is a good thing. I mean I have been following her instructions, I have been observing and all that farkin jazz. Ohhhh, *writes the blind mute*
Humilliation. Tis the season for punishment without reason. Stupid reformers! Tricks are for kids.
and I float to sleep dreaming plots senerieos.


*and she kills them all and eats them for dinner.*

Author's public note...dang first person perspective is hard...think i'll switch to omnitient for a while BBL hopefully with plot movement and discription perspective. learning as I go.

So it is

my blog is now a ruin.

yes i had bloged under this title but then i became much ashamed (available for the right reader who makes human contact)
i hope i'm not alone yet.
if i ever find happy again, ill get around to my novel.

no one

Another year

A better year.

I feel fortunate to beable to have quality time on new years eve.
For christmas i bought myself the V first season. And am excited about jan 4's premier.

I have filled out an application for college. There is a cirtian matter i wish to discuss outloud concerning a "tudor" i have not mustered the balls to ask critical or bisiness questions....i wonder paranoidedly...

and need to get my space organised. see many things have happened lately.

I had an affair for about four times over six weeks. An outrageous one by my ex's estimation, not only was he a "bum with no car" he was a BLACK bum with no car.....oh gawd, he thought he showed me better in life.and *puts on dumb man ranging voice* i am a total jerk to you now and only ......
****alter selfs****
*rambleing now....sorry.*
I would not suggest letting that happen again. Type freely or you can't do this.
*** Justine.***

*snickers.......i am trying differnt stuff out to improve my ability to write kehshathria. Need to try to play my game ...characterize myself and also be the real me.....

***real me***

haaa that reminds me of a thing i can put up it is a thing called "identiy"

and i am staring now to see my new me. if you will i can present it as fiction but conveiy the emotion...otherwise i am afraid i would sound like a nut that talks to herself. and worse if i try to explain. If i am schizoid, fractured what ever... i enjoy my life. and i harm none...and if i do...i seek amends.

****alter self***

justine....i belive you avoided the topic entirely...who are you justifying yourself to?

me....the scarey them guys.
*alterself sighs as if to start a very worn lecture*...stop talking to other and be.

*** justine again*...

hum i bet that style of writeing would be too confusing for the reader...anyone agree? But i w....oh i am so not ready to blog yet...bbl. oh and happy new year....

*sips more mojito..seriouslly...minty beer....*

we three us's

Huge mental battle ....

..... in the kiddie pool.


Ok so i got THIS MANAGER....*snickers* Now, it is seldom my habit to get personal with individaul persons here in my "blog space" But this fresh from college anthoritarian wannabe, nevermind the little hypens general manager is pulling ye olde "Grant and withold" maneuver on poor little ole me who had foolishly confessed to having a great pride and sence of perfectionism about my work when he gave some seemlingly sencier geniune praise.
BUT the rub lieth in this, that his praises while lofty where also equle in dread when he yanks away thatand beats me arousn with the *why cant you keep up with the stndards* speech all brainwashed managers must get you to bend over and fuck your humanity with.

This manager is like a E-4, coorperil , or younge sargent jsut out of leadership school,. but this man is not a true leader, already i am cunning out his weakness's
He does not have the respect of his men, he is a rules rapist, whats more he stand sbeing "athority" and would rather have his men happy shiney cowering ravenious little robots

This fool, how i dispise how i am precieving his character. it is so ..... *shudder* perhaps ther eis something i want to learn about dealign with *that KIND* of personality.

Wouldnt a buddha type live peacibly unaffected by his lords mean, only following his dharma or his tao. But i kinda want a vengnce of a sort.
wouldnt a perfect servent lead their Masters? Even the un ruly and foolish Masters.

Is that what the Salad ninja does? but

I i really HATE this guy....

Do you? what about love the sinner hate the sin, dont belive pre-historic advice anymore?
*sigh*

So, i been thinking, i would like to try my hand at live comedy sometime before i die.
It is totally like the perefect plan. *cough illusion* i mean...it is work i can do into my old age. Many good comedians make a full and wealthy career off the same jokes or decades.i could make more money than my ex-husband, and travel........that ex will constantly berate me with negitives no matter what. *dons grumpy unintelligent that man voice*

uhhh i dont know who you enemies are. "my friends" or "people" tell me blah
oh ha ha you gave a guy a ride home..you'll fall for anything....your easilly taken advantage of.... when you need money call me...
*eyes glaze over from manipulation*

gawd i hate humans.

but in this case i am truely tempted to play back to my manager. But i must be covert.

I simply cant shout Jahvol mien heir.
but he certenly seem to come form a ego place that seems to threaten if you dont treat me right i have the athority to fire you and as you can see i am a nit picky motherfucking assholethat never directly fires you.. naaaa i get more fun makeing you cry and lose your cool .you will umm "fire yourself"

YOU MOTHER FUCKER! you manipulative liar i think i OUGHT to do battle with you.

It is never about you mangaeing me it is about ME mastering this job.

This cannot be done in 3 mothns.and less than teop since you came to micromanage the crew.

You add to me "bring fresh clean dishes to the bar while trying to fill up the 46 things to over flowing while chopping and replaceing suplies, being pleasent and curtieous with the customers while interrupting their progress to continue my deuties cleaning it to *SPEC* to maintain the Ruby Teusday image.......

I dont have time for dishes. sheesh. SPEC. you mother fucker i think spec exists in yoru head, i never saw that manaul...if i get an additude can you show me the manaul so i can Read fo rmyself what the standards are?

One day you praise me that i am a worker who likes to figure things out and the very next off day you punish me as if i have been on the verge of being fired for incompitence.

And i had been foolish enough to trust your sincerity, and to take the little candy bar you brainwashed trained idiot follower. ZIEG HEIL motherfuker.

I want to show you. but what.
part of me wants to be so subtle withmy perfect obedience i can make a mockery of his mircomanaging by following his illlogic.
heeheheh

or i cna be something like that by makeing him rediculous because inorder for me to maintain his idea i should have to get an egg timer and set it to go every fifteen miniutes.
would he concider this showing initiaive? or should he be embarrassed the more systematically i turn myself into a contradiction of genuine customer care..
How many times might i intice a costomer to praise me to his face? I already recive a few kudos..how dare he INSULT ME with his scolding.

anyway,,,see i got anger...

Gee wiss Mistress i will never be a zen master now.

" then be a zen servent"

IZM

POST SCRIPT....

I realised that i havent brought up the true spring of my ire. My anger is notall about any precieved insult to myself. But there is an old lady who has been workign there a long long time. She has gone on a month of vacation to settle land in greece, when she comes back, will he pull his micro managment on her? She will speak back, and will he apply the thumb screws to force her to quit her only income? I cant abide that game, it is lower than sophmoric, he is an ambitious child.
But let me back off my rage, seeing as how he IS a rules rapist he will ever appear to be "only expecting reasonable things" i mean really......there are places where i could become more conscientious but he undermines and calls it motivation.

Having lived in an manipulative marriage and goign thru a manipulative divorce, i am sick and tired of giveing way my freedom to be "reasonable" esp where human decency is concerned.

Sick and tired of people telling me i am not good enough because i am not perfect in my "compliance". That Manager has already turned a potintially good furture manager into a shiney happy butt monkey. He has his butt monkey say engouraging things and appear as an up beat and motivated shiney training video employee... but that "encouragement" is phoney. Then that manager took time to praise his BM in front of me about how BM was shineing like a "superstar" (for helping me load up the salad bar once during rush).

I feel i need to make annonymous complaints to cooperate. i will remember that these manager types never stay long, i merely need to out last him.

Now if only i could get myself to be a Ninja Butt Monkey and still respect myself in the morning.

Justine.

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Ten

                                             ****Diana*** 

                    I went to my room early that night, and decided to write about the things i have been thinking. It is raining, and it was a little too quiet this evening in the living room. Her Majesty Queen Lanel has just announced that they are sending my Father's unit to the war zone. I am in dread for the future. My Father is a Top Sargent Lord in Her Majesty's Service, and trained in strategic missions. My throat hardens and hand quivers as I calculate his chances this time.

          If he dies... be-because I am still in custody, Madam was heartbroken to inform, my sister would become a ward of state and put into a Reform home until I am released. I am aghast with horror. Be-because I just wouldn't get with the program and obey my father, suck it up for a few more years, get strong ...then..then... i am a fuck up. I ruined my life, oh god I ruined her life. I am a shame, and ill never be able to let my father know... I wi-will...never get to show him I that could be anything different to him but a lost cause.

          I stepped away from my desk, and paced. I didn't like those dirty rugs anymore so I took scissors and shred them, and pulled down the curtains, turned the mattress and suddenly Madam had my wrists... it was three in the morning how did she hear me? She sat me down on my bed and pulled a chair over and sat beside me.

 "Your self pity would wake the dead, who can sleep through it. I came up here to help you and saw you throwing a fit. This will be stopped." "Self pity!.. I am mourning my dad!" She nodded negatively. "Honestly Diana, is THIS how you want to remember your father? With is ever judgmental disapproval over you. His dieing breath Echoing 'why was my little girl such a looser.. loosserrr... loooooooossssssssserrrrrrrrr'....so you can cry yourself into motivation?" 

          I was in stitches. oh my farkin gawd. Hum, that's George's word.... I realized I had been thinking instead of speaking. "Diana, what about this fit? Is this any way to act? If you want to redecorate you need to do it organized. And you won't throw any more little tantrums like this again." I noticed the tone in her voice changed and my nerves began to tense, my eyes found her's and I saw their color changed and my legs twisted in closer.

        "I I w-wont Madam, I just lost...u-um i got worked up, I am ok now, let me clean the room up, please." She sat straighter. " Yes I believe you will be ok for now. But this is personal. You violated my things, as well as my sleep, And this is rude. Not only will you re-do this entire room by hand, to include sanding and staining the floor, you will also lower your pants and come over my knees, now." And my guts became stone. The rain drops pounded against my window, and the air chilled. " You said I.. I had freedom to discuss... we aren't in the basement, M-Madam." 

           Her eyebrow quivered but she was not retreating, I could tell. "If you have a better suggestion, something equal to the pain and humiliation and lesson that this will do for you. Or if you can convince me by reason that this is unnecessary, because you have learned something, or understood the principle during the lecture that makes spanking unjustified violence. Then you may argue. But if you are only going to plead, or insult you had better reconsider, Diana. Take a moment and then chose your answer." 

         After reviewing myself, and my actions, feeling shame for something I could not put my words on.... then my mind went blank and I only knew I didn't want this. How about... stand in the corner for a long long time? She nodded negative as I thought and reminded me that my time was to be spend re-furbishing the room. 

          So I complied with her ridiculously childish order. And stayed reluctantly compliant through an eternal thrashing. I counted...it was the only way to stay alive..... 75 farkin swats.............She murdered me!...... She turned off my light as I retreated into bed saying. "Premature Regret" and disappeared into the darkness.

Kehshathra Part 1, Chapter Nine

****Jerry****

Tonight it was my own memories that kept me awake. George didn't come in to let me know if he was ok, he barely made it to his room. I listened to the noise of the house my senses ultra sensitizing when the basement door closed softly, and lights clicked off, and steps ascended the stair...."He'll live, Jerry" said the lady from the first room. But I wasn't going to sleep. I went outside several times to smoke, and finally ended up waking when Ms Carol got in the passenger side, and offered me a pack of smokes, and lit herself one as well.

"I didn't know you smoked. " I yawned impersonally.
She smiled . "You don't know allot of things about me, I like you, limit myself to certin areas to smoke, and I do not let the addiction tell me when it is time."
"I don't know if that's possible Mistress, I simply go nuts if I cant get a smoke at least every couple hours." She had an amused gleam in her eye, causing me to defend myself."That's no licence... don't need a reformer's help with that little liberty."
"No I wasn't thinking of forbidding anything of yours. It is just curious to me why people insist that they are powerless to themselves. " I also gave her a quizzical gleam. "You can suppose that you have utter self control, Mistress. or that you are pure logic, can you? Cause it is impossible you know."
"Perhaps in accepting imperfection we realise we are that." I spurt out just as she finished. "Ah see we are but we are ignorant, always limited." She thought a long moment and then laughed."What's in these cigarettes?" "I don't know, you gave them to me."
"Yes true. And should you decide that you require a lesson in addiction management, I'll be on call." Her cheshired smirk unnerved me, as it cut through me like prophecy. I studied her down hard, and she sat back and smiled.
"Master Rob taught me to occupy myself and resist my temptations. To think of my responsibilities and what not. "
"Yes but he did not teach you how to overcome the impulse to obey addiction. Just methods to ignore it. The wall that you built up never allows you to pass, and it holds back a great load of fear to err. But not temptation."
"You claim you have mastered temptation?" I grinned incredulously. She shyly smiled. "You are making the claims, I have not mastered everything. It is impossible, as you know."
"And with that, good morning Mistress, I could use some coffee if you please... follow me to the kitchen." I got out of my car gallantly and opened her door.
I don't know exactly why I lost my anger and worry I just knew that Mistress Carol had carefully handled George, and I felt a faithful respect to her.
I made coffee and breakfast this morning, and George joined us on time for serving.
I had my back turned to the stove when I heard Diana giggle, when I saw him with a white cloth tied over his mouth silently mocking her. "I guess this means we can finally watch tv in peace at night." I joked. "Oh yeah." She chimed back." and no more teasing me with your stories." He gave her a very expressioned "oh yeah" look and started to curl the bottom of his shirt in his fingers in preparation for lifting..but suddenly jerked halt and dropped to his knees. Carol had stepped in from the back kitchen/dinning room door. We knelt and bounded back quickly, and Carol made her way over to George who stayed down."George, we discussed this. No plotting." His eyes where apologetic and tilted his head and then lowered it, and she stepped back from him and causally smelt the food and refilled her cup. I was shocked, Diana shrugged with a roll of her eyes and continued setting the table, George got up and worked with her.
"I sure don't get you, Mistress." She smiled. "You don't really understand the breaking Ritual, Do you? " I thoughtfully continued putting food into serving bowls to carry out. " Well, I know it is about surrender. And It's violent. And about facing reality. But that's it." She took a few platters and we started to the dinning room. She said "Surrender is the first principle of Wisdom."
And we ate, and conversed about general things, and make jokes at George's expense.