Keshathria New Chapter Twenty-One

 Keshathria  New Chapter Twenty-One



                                        ***George***

        There was nothing on television tonight. Reformer said that she thought tonight was a good one for telling horror stories. " George , favor us with one of yours, please." she said.
 Diana  twitched her nose at me and challenged me to pick a good one, she'd let me know what she thought of it.
       I just sat a while grinning, trying to come up with something. Jerry mentioned " How about when we "overcharged" Mr Gerrald, but you managed a thank you and a tip after we described the fine work you didn't do. "   I felt my stomach drop.  "No I don't think that's a good one Jer, not fit for Reformer's delicate ears." 

"No and I said horror story. Something preferably related to current affairs." The Reformer smirked. 

"OH ok...current affairs. Care to elaborate...." She noticed my careless slip, and grinned before issuing her challenge. " I want to know how did you destroy Mistress Ragena Talmuren?"
My breath caught in my throat. I wanted to feel pride but it was clearly misplaced.
"That is too hard for me, Reformer."  " I am not giving you much of an option, George. But you may get to chose where you will be doing your talking." I sat tight for a long time.

Diana tried to lighten the air. " aw come on I mean, that's what all this reform stuff is about... working out our garbage right, Mistress?"  "Yeah but, this....... I don't know what to feel about this." I complain pensively.  The reformer touches my shoulder and sits next to me softly.
"I will not judge you for the things you felt, or even if you admire what you have done. But I need you to be able to face yourself, and learn from the paths you have taken." "But, reformer, in front of every one? Not even Jerry knows about my adventures after they separated us."
Reformer looks over to him and asks him to tell the  story of what he knows about That time.


                                  *** Jerry***

                     " George was one pissed off freak, is all I know. When he came thru master Rob's door he was spitting nails.  Sir, introduced himself and George made a gesture ummm.....let's just keep it at that.  Sir dropped him to the floor, and didn't let him get up until 100 push ups where done.  The introduction lasted 7 hours." I began.

"Oh my gawd George.......what where you trying to do?" Diana shrieked.  George bobbed his head and made  a kissy face..."just letting them know who's really in charge. I know you think I gave up but the poor man had enough punishment and needed sleep as badly as I did so I let him off the hook."   She threw a pillow at him, and they started laughing.

"Letting them off the hook is an interesting approach." MsC remarked. "But, if you will, tell us why you resisted?"  George perked up some, and sat forward.

"I dont like plastic formalities.  And every reformer has the same shtick.  Blah blah i am the boss, blah blah here's what you got to do. blah blah whip, blah blah no freedom....." He  started to pace now, trying to get his thougths straight, the living room is a place for infirmities but not tooo much liberty.  He grinned catching his composure. "Now of course I don't mean you reformer."

"Anyway, most of the reformers I have met carry their title, and nothing more.  And yes, like Ms Ragina. That sticky authority/ respect thing irritates  me to no end. "  George noticed MsC hum.

"Present company ....shhhh....If I may continue. "  And he paused, relaxing as MsC returned to her chair.  " Mistress Ragina was the first home that I was sent to after Mistress Samantha had died.  She had another reformee who had been with her one week, when I arrived. " His eyes bore into the rug. "She smiled at me, and shook my hand.  And when she did  I looked into her eyes, a reformee doesn't shake hands, I said.  She told me about herself.  She said, that she had a vision and that we where going excel in her reform.  She had certin demands, for example we where not allowed to ware our shoes in the  house, but if we where running back from the car to retrieve something she forgot, then it was ok to leave the shoes on. 

Sometimes, the rules applied, and sometimes they didn't. And she asked us about our opinions of her.  Once she came down stairs in an orange jump suit and asked if it clashed with .....oh..reality for that matter. You get my point? This woman was ambitious, and I got on the bad side of her. 

" George, I think present company wants a story not a case-study .  Don't be afraid, relax and tell us the story, make like it was a 'lives and times'. "  MsC coached.  George protested his embarrassment to relive the events, because he realises that because of these things he is incarcerated still.   He felt weird telling them to her anyway. Who in their right mind would tell a Reformer what really happened? 
"Only those who want their freedom, Jerry"
"Mistress, please. This is my thought space.  I mean, I think George has come a long way.  In the first week of being at Sir's house he started taking pride in himself."
"Pride was never His problem. George what did Master Robert have that made you act right?"
"Well reformer. He didn't back down, and he ...  He kept his word.  Naw,  Alot was better because I was with Jer. and we could talk about Sam. "

"When I had gotten to Mistress Ragina's home, Sam's death was still fresh.  The authorities had held us in temporary custody until other reformers could be produced." he continued.

" She expressed concern about my loyalty to Samantha, but assured me that she  complete the work Sam had started.  I was politely irritated and asked her for some mourning time, but she insisted that I had to put in behind me now.  Now was the beginning of a new day."....He paused. 

"Reformer,  this is very difficult.  I cant relive it ...why should I?" 
"So that you might be in touch with your mind."
"Reformer, all I have is anger toward her, how can I relive when I was deceived?"
"It was so easy to tell your stories when you where the ultimate victor.  And here though victorious in your "work", you are not having an easy time. Think back, tell me the words, and why they where spoken. "
"Reformer, I need more time." George said slowly as he reflected on his past.  Diana sat wide eyed with fear,  wondering " Holy cow, dude! what did you do? Did you ...are you a... did you kill her?"
"I may as well have. When she call the authorities to remove me from her home, she was finished as a reformer." 
"George, You didn't know she still has her licence?"
"What? I don't think she deserves her licence, Reformer.  Ok;  OK...listen. " And George stood back up and gave us more of his story.

"I am Mistress Talmuren. I can be easy to get along with, as long as you remember to not think my kindness is weakness.  In public you will address me as Mistress Talmuren but at home you can be less formal and Miss Ragina will be ok." She paused letting me soak in her words.  Miss Sam, was my friend, and a good reformer, but who the fuck is this lady? 
"Yes Miss Ragina.  "  And then  she continued, while showing me through her house.  "I've been reforming for 3 years now, and I have found that it is better to approach a prisoner in an open fashion." 
"You must have reformed only minor crimes,  or children." I jeered.
"Just watch yourself, I don't like to pull the Mistress card, and I shouldn't halt to, if you had some class you might know how to behave. So now I am gonna take you to school."  And she gripped my collar bone and dragged me to her chamber for a power session." He laughed to himself.  I stared blankly at his arrogant disassociation and started laughing too.

"Your sick George.  How did you take it?"  I asked, he shrugged. "Just ....well.  About the fifth lash I realised that she was offended by me. She preached to me. "As long as your in my house, you will treat me with respect.. don't think that I cant handle you just cause you and Mike are my oldest.  I mean look at you.  Your here for stealing a car." 

"No, Miss Ragina, I am here because they did not parole me. I have a flawless record at Mistress Samantha's home." she laughed at me then gave me five more lashes. "Just see to it that your record is flawless here too. And she dismissed me."  And he sat back down. 

We where dismissed, but the story would  be continued eventually.

Dear potential reader;

Dear potential reader,

          I have decided to  make inserts into many previous chapters.  I will be editing them in as I am so inspired and this blog post is to become a running tally of their addresses for any reader who just wants to cut to the chase and not re-read the whole damn thing.

      Personal update, I am in school finally, still working, and fairly happy. 

List of  insertations:

      chapter 14 (a)  : toward the middle-end of the chapter.
                      * Jerry and George share a joint in his car.*

     

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Twenty

                ***Jerry ***

                I closed my bedroom door with the most silent of rages. ' face it, there is no good sense in slamming my door. No that would have been to "easy".  

It's her fault anyway.  All this  airy fairy tiptoe bullshit. ... She's the one who started ....

             'What?'   I breathed, loudly fuzzing with my covers.  All that 'if i need help with addiction management.'   Nooo I don't need fucking help. I had it covered.   Now I can't even do what I got to do to get it...Just fucking prole me and let it go. No you go stirring up old beas...old... beasts.'   My thoughts darted still.


              ' Ok ok we KNOW this kind of conversation... Ain't fucking happening.' 

              I laughed, and started my breathing meditation. And slept, still angry but slept.


          *** George****

           That fargin sly Devil.  I muse to myself as I get ready for bed, snorting, ' your friend makes you a liar' 

         Fucking...*stubbing my toe as I bound for the covers.* backhanded Bitch."  
  
         I randomly chose ' Theory and Practice vol 1' flipping randomly, being drawn to stare out the black bedroom window.  'I made my friend lie.'.....Catching my breath I laugh but there is always free will, dude. And I am not this situation. Even if  Jerry has issues saying no.

        Not my fault..... my protests as dull and dim as the shadows on the ceiling.  If I accept that I am the reason Jerry is in reformation, how could he ever forgive me?.... I am not who Carol is talking about.  I am not....

        And I read earnestly.  "A Reformer must often judge themselves before they can administer wisdom to their prisoner. As it is common for both parties to experience similar character struggles. A reformer must requse themselves of further charge of their prisoner once objective judgment is seduced by ego.  Thus an honest consciousness is necessary in choosing student reformers."

And I drift to sleep on a gilded note.


          **** Carol****

         ' I loved him, my professor. I love him still, but my foolishness has separated us.' Tears flow now and the darkness becomes as velvet capes over my shoulders and I hear him, my friend Peter.

       ' i love you as i will love no other.'  And in bittersweet repose I lay dreaming.

       *** the author**


        Please stay tuned, next up , We observe a short story of Ms Carol Anne Wies,  age unknown on tonight's  "life and times of the snail".....

                " Carol had no issues completing her high school requirements, and she was eligible to graduate in three months. Socially she began to gravitate toward the reformer-trainees, and on the sly had begun to study from their books, so that she might expedite completing her requirements when she come of legal age."

                " For general information, the reformer is skilled in martial arts, general nursing and anatomy, child psychology, general to abnormal psychology, "weapons" proficiency, Civil Law, leadership, as well as logic, critical thought and argumentation. (i.e Teaching). "

               " One evening she had sneaked out to work on an idea she had been inspired to during anatomy. Mike Twum happened upon her during his security rounds in the gym practicing bull whip proficiency on a test dummy. Twum did not stop her right away because he was stunned to see her method. She had the dummy laying on it's back with a tissue paper laying over the stomach, and was flicking the paper off with her whip. Then alternately trying to cut the paper without harming the surface of the dummy."

              "Carol was pleased with her results, when Twum stammers to ask her what she is doing. She replied that she was creating position five. Twum protested the danger of it and she claimed having done  intense study and was working out the margins of error. Twum protested the fact that not every whip wielder (cops also carry bullwhips to capture and or subdue) would be able to use that skillfully. Carol smiled coyly as if in between breaths saying ' well then they should not be marksmen, and don't worry Twum, i will have it tested on myself before i ever use it.' And Twum developed his fear of the person of Carol, and had to be prompted by her to take her in custody for trespassing."

            " Peter was incredulous about her idea, and stated that he could not foresee himself ever having to punish that extremely after Carol presented her research in explanation of her trespassing. He added he could not think of anything that would ever merit position five, that Carol could do to have him test it on her. Peter did not feel the need to warn Carol that if she manufactured any incidences for the purpose of goading him the result would be immediate dismissal of his apprenticeship. And restated that he couldn't see any honest fault that would merit such deep measures of pain."

           "  By and by Tweed, Twum, and a great number of others left the school and lived their lives.When Carol was 18 she took the Trainee course and at 20 she was a licenced reformer. When she was 22 Peter asked her if she might consider Partnership in his School as Vice Principle. She agreed, deciding to put off in home reform cases until she had experience with Peter as Mentor."

            "  It was during this time period that they started to understand they where falling in love. But it was not your typical love affair. Both of them where extremely professional and never let on about their emotional desires. Carol was confused about whether he felt the same as she. Once she tried to make a pass in his office, and she was punished. So she kept herself about her job in the school and admired him from aside. "

                 " There came a time when Peter was called away to a conference and he put Carol in charge.Things went smoothly until about a week before Peter was due back. four reformees managed an escape. And during their pursuit one was injured and on died.   Carol was forced to call authorities for assistance, and with all the psychic disturbance Peter was calling before she finished with her report to the police. He grilled her for the details and it came to be that a simple oversight on Carol's fault allowed the security breech, and his school will suffer chaos. "

               "  Peter was back on the next flight to deal with the situation, she received Five deep lashes across her stomach. "

                 "When Carol was 25ish she come to realize she was madly in love with Peter, and he would never let on. In her emotional naivety she succumb to her best friend's playful suggest to try a spell to see if peter is her real true love. Lanel was practicing magic with a coven at the time and was in priestess training. She suggested Carol ask her teacher Jane about it. "

                " Jane is a diabolical sort, Lanel did not know yet how dangerous Jane was. Jane sold Carol a spell. Jane saw in Carol a wealth of great natural power and she wanted to harness and trap it for herself. Carol bought the spell thinking the result would be knowledge of who was her love and how should she gain him, but what she bought was an entrapment spell."

               " While she was at her little trailer house (she no longer lived at the school ) Peter had been in his school office thinking of her. Becoming tormented with concern and realising his love for her and in an uncustomary panic he sped out to her trailer in time to catch the spoken language of her spell."

                " He recognized the language partially from his education and partly from his mental telepathy giving him the link to information about the intent behind the spell disguised as a wish. At the part where Carol was to speak her wish, Peter rushed in and took hold of her wrists and staring intently into her eyes speaking...' I love you Carol and I will protect you forever.'  "

                "Then a fury of magic and warping of reality and Peter's soul and mind and body are divided. His soul goes into a snow globe ornament of the ornate house that Peter's body is transformed into, and his mind is completely merged with Carol's. All his psychic Ability passes to Carol, yet he remains his own person within the house."

              "Technically with his body *gone* he is not a citizen anymore as if death. And Carol inherits the school and his wealth. And manages both School and Home Reform with expert care. There are a few amusing tales to be added into the storyline of Carol adjusting to her new skills. Such as having something to say to people who thought rudely about her when passing on the street."

            "  But that is basically the story of how Carol came to be where she is in life by the time Diana meets her."

                                         --- As told by someone who wishes to be called * the coffee man*

         We Hope this was enjoyable, until next time, please remember you never know when you might end up on... " the lives and times of the snail. "


****fade to black***

              
       
   

             


        

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Nineteen

              ***Carol ***


              A time for recoking has come upon Our Jerry.  I project toward the heart of my bedroom ceiling.  It began this evening as we were watching television.  Jerry sat pensive over my new instructions that he must now ask permission to be high, and follow my meditative instructions during.  And that he my not obtain it by money or credit.
            He mused a while over stealing, building elaborate lies, he settled upon scouring his car for viable seeds, and was contented a while.


            During commercial he posited, " Mistress, i don't get it, why is it OK to smoke but not to buy it?"
            " Do you notice how you haven't been asking so many questions lately?" I poked as he charged ahead becoming irate. "Mistress that isn't an answer."  It is, I protested as the television went to pause.


I continued ' Consciousness is your liberty, but do not let your consciousness become enslaved. Your addiction, Jerry is your slavery.  You may enjoy the higher states of mind but you will not allow impulse and seduction to dictate and cloud your thinking. This is the means of reformation of addiction, and while you are high i will show you self-discipline."




He pondered a moment. " So you dangle the blessing of knowledge when i am stoned, yet penalise me for yielding to seduction? That hardly seems fair.  " 


"What is fair? You must be able to deny the little beasty before you can truly have liberation. yet enjoy him just the same. Even he is at your liberty.  "


           ****George****


            Over the next few weeks I watched Jerry become a busy man.  He was fortunate that there where not only good seeds in his car, but also a small stash.  And the only way I knew he was high was because he was doing some ultra mindful cleaning or rebuilding  or an annoying simple breathing exercises.  Reformer has had me join him many times, I suspect merely to add to her amusement.
          Recently, Diana Jerry and I where sitting about the kitchen table playing cards and talking about our recent adventures. We had gone to the school, while Jerry had been denied permission to be stoned, and given a chore-slash-meditation to follow anyway.  And Reformer was purportedly up in her room reading. It was a rainy spring night.
        
         "That's nothing," Diana's card clicked onto the discard pile. " I've been doing claenstetics and marching drills all day today.... I would rather have your books George."
I grinned at her adolescently amused by her whining. "Oh and I was specifically told not to discuss anything with you. So ha ha, do you have a four of diamonds?"
         " Eat Sh-shovels full. " She grunted. " But still these books.." I continued " Not a one of them is less than 2 pounds of formal Language.  Reform law codes, History and theory of practice, The Criminal Justice system. Oh groovy I now understand that there was at lease four commites of bastards I have to kill for putting my ass in Ms Carol's dungeon. And yet I admire the checks and balances of the system."
         Jerry's nose twitched as he laid another pair of cards in row. " I got a call around 10 from my friend Steven. He asked me for a ride." Jerry's knees bounced, as his eyes darted toward the clock, again.  Diana huffed , " Oh it is time for the 6 o'clock feeding?" Drawing fire from his breath.
I half expected that a fine moment for interruption but he asked for a 3 of spades and told her to mind her own business.
        "Other than that Jerry what was your to do?  Seems me and Diana are doing some kind of  exhausting exercises, whats your gig?"   He slumped and became less interested in his hand.
"Just the routine polish and wax furniture crap. Only  I am supposed to focus on the air going into my nose, to keep my attention on breathing so i can report what ever details she asks me about later."
       " Details? " I incredulously poked." What, that the polish smelt like lemon, and oh about noon you had a piece of snot block your air passage? That kind of thing?  "  He shrugged and passed over the 4 of hearts with a displeased grunt when Diana asked for it.
         After a few more turns I suggested we discern some theme to these lessons, maybe by Saturday we can figure out the message of the week, as Reformer is fond of orchestrating.
         "Well near as I can figure I am learning the value of group discipline." Diana offers. " Just before we where excused I was starting to get the hang of the facing and marching movements and we really looked good, I think.  Made me think about my father, I can see how he could love all that regimen and stuff."  "Aha, " Chimed I " the value of group think.  All the little ants  go marching two by two hoorah hoorah.  Marching over the cliff hoorah hoorah, they all go marching to by two till they all tumble over into the blue;  Horr-ahhhhhh."


"No George, the purpose of the structure is so that there is no confusion when the instruction changes."  She defended.  " So you are crossing over ...."I interjected. tauntingly. "No more than you are George, you cant tell me you are not  fascinated with the books."


"I am, but the reason is different.  I like the law books because it is like knowing all the orders in advance. Like i know all about how left face and port arms gets you ready for the next task. I know the next task too. "  She listen to me while laying down a new pair of cards. I tried explaining but the truth was I had only flipped through the law book, looking for violations of my previous reformers and naturally  for loop holes.  Old habits die hard I suppose.  She interjected " But I think you could know all that and still not know what to do inside the group.  I mean I have seen parades before, I have watched the Color guard preform, and knew their routines, but it is a different world when your one of the marchers."  She bade me fish for the card I requested as I brilliantly observed how at least by knowing the "rules" I would be the one who knows when we are being marched off a cliff.  And she bantered " And you are also likely to be the first one to  incite a panic in the ranks while going over sharp rocks."

That shut me up. We continued on a few turns and individually meandered our separate ways until 9 pm for "the lives and times of the snail" on the TV.


                      **** Jerry****


        I had to leave by 6 to pick up my friend Steven. His car had broken down and he needed help. This was a wonderful situation for me, as it was an easy way to obtain without paying. Steven put gas in my car i got him to work sometimes and he'd give me alittle here and there. But i had to surrender it when i came home. 

       This was particularly difficult. I don't like being stoned HER way.  Increasingly i feel tempted to hide a pinch or more or, hurry and smoke up and "act normal" so i could just enjoy the tv, have fun with the guys,  or  even just read a book.  Her way is always work, or else it is not being allowed to do anything but sit.  I sometimes find myself snap 'wake" during the exercise and proclaim how i wish i was sober so that i can do my own thing for a while. To which notion a tingle creeps up my spine and hope she doesn't go there during conversation. 

         Conversation Ms Carol's style.  Once she told me that conversation is like a chess game.  And most people play checkers.  Checkers is like playing with pawns only. But a good conversation uses all pieces, but never lets you see them move.   What ever that means.  Anyway... She asks me things like..."what was your exact thought when you opened the peanut butter."  

          And we literally discuss the feelings, memories. Tonight iIwas not in the mood for a brain picking and tried to creep through the living room door frame at nine-thirty. Carol silently halted me with a gesture, no one was distracted from the show and didn't address me until the commercial.

"Car troubles, perhaps?" Carol replied casually toward the door frame. 
"No Mistress, Steven had to stop by the gas station."
" Your friend does understand,  Jerry that there are cirten strict behaviours that are required of you as a reformee. That he ought not detain you. I am sure you have explained to him your time restrictions. Have you not?"   
         I felt my palms quiver and smelt lunches pepperoni ghost invade my stressed exhale. I dryly answered " yes Mistress I have told him."  Hummm she cooed and invited me in, I greeted the others and tried to relax.

****Diana****

         Watching Jerry enter late kinda excited me. I felt tense, thinking about what he was in for. Like why? I mean he's late... he's obviously stoned...and......what about that question? I muse it over and again. Did you tell him your rule, yes,' then why are you breaking them? ' i retort to my self while knitting. Thinking more about what else....ummm

          But then I glanced over toward Jerry and felt ashamed of myself. And over to George, who had to sit off to the side of the room to read instead of with us. Tonight's show would have fascinated him to no end. It was about a paranoid schizophrenic who invented a scientific method for what he called "corrective vision" therapy.

There was a violation of the cease-fire on the Fritzeche Republic boarder and Keshathria took many casualties. I passionately glanced at Mistress, and back to my knitting.

He would have liked to see me marching today. Tomorrow we are learning the flag raising and lowering detail. I am looking forward to my time in service.

" Jerry would you tell me about your thoughts while you where in the car, before trying to sneak in."
"I'd rather not Mistress." She smiled permission softly and answered, " Are you lieing or being defiant?"

"I hope not either Mistress, I am late because he needed to get to the store, I thought it would be understandable. I am sorry that it isn't. "
"Your story has changed, Jerry. i am minded to ask you if Obtaining marijuana was part of this delay."

          There was silence between them, and his knee started bouncing, and he took slow breaths to calmly respond. "It was on the way from the store, we stopped at the gas station for.. for a rolling paper. it was on the way and i... told him i didn't have any kind of extra time i shouldn't have stopped for that for sure. But...it wasn't to obtain the stuff."

"Technicalities Jerry? " Misstress giggled sarcastically and cutely grasped her hands. "There are just so many things I can chose to deal with here, I don't know quite where to begin. " Drawing a related snort form the far corner. " George, Is he lieing or being defiant?" she asked and heard the answer both. And overlooked me and continued speaking.

"Jerry it is too easy to punish you for being late. You are in defiance of my rules, and you have to correct yourself before your friend makes you into a liar. Dismissed.


       





   
               

The mark of the beast

   Recall to mind , if you will that old movie, Thief in the night.
Aw come on I thought  it was cool... the perfect horror tale. Heck it kept me in Christianity a few extra years as I kept seeing the world turn to shit.

   I mean capitalism/and Communism are selling us water and air...sucking our resources dry, all for a buck or two trillion. Governments take and reprogram our kids to their own uses.  And I am not just being paranoid. I used to think of getting rich in this world but lately I have been thinking of the actual cost in terms of lives. I consider the morals by which humanity as a clongomerate live and compare them to my personal morals, and that of my peers and I am stymied at the ...well jehovaness of the prince of the power of the air, and the slavery of the masses.

   And at the muteness of, yes in deed, the muteness of god itself.( though i see the inevitable results that nature will exact upon a "sinning" humanity) Sometimes when the frontal lobe is short circuiting I imagine that there is indeed a strong delusion, and there IS a loss of humanity amongst ourselves. Then I pop a Zoloft, skip the orgasm and go to sleep.

    When I wake up I read of resentments concerning the failures of god and the shallowness of his followers. And something chokes under my breath. Things like, Man has always created idols to aspire to; could we create a computer god to master us? One we can't kill as Nietzsche killed the illusionary power over us to make us all good and orderly according to the will of the powers that be.

   The few seek to master and own all that is man. From our genome to our gnosis. We are highly advanced in the art of deception, and turning a blind eye to the melodramatic cries of starving people, and popular political activists.

   We ourselves are mere bystanders as the powers that be tell us of wonderful advancements and gadgets to consume and wars. And I begin to wonder if the anger we have toward god has become the  safe scapegoat to punish for our part in a screwed up world. Indeed we may punish the straw man and his sympathizer but only dance and sing for the OZ that tells us what our freedoms are.

    The few of us out there demanding a change are laughable to corralled rest. See the Big evil is too big...his chariots are made of iron, and iron makes cars and we need cars to drive to Washington to protest gay marriage, and laugh at the conspiracy nuts trying to expose corruption. Drink bottled water while watching the world burn...but thank goodness we wont have to deal with second hand smoke.

    I cant change the world, it doesn't show much sign of wanting to change anyway.(unless of course there is a means to profit thereby) Even Christians are unaware of the vampiric teet from which all blessings flow. But what my thought is.... can't you sometimes look at this world and wonder if this fits the description of men's hearts continuing to turn to evil?

    Now I by no means advocate that it is now right and moral to kill the entire race, but it wouldn't be god doing it.  Therefore couldn't the population "david" rise up and stop the immoral tyranny of cooperate "goliath". Have we the stones to make things right for the sake of  generations unknown?

    Or was that myth, opium to keep slaves dreaming while they worked? Or is it that we have yet to become desperate enough to have nothing left to lose.  Man, why are we like that? 

    Do you think that research will get funding from the government to cure human apathy? (fat chance...instead here's some Aderall to help with the overactive and powerless intelligence)

   Denying the human spirit is the unpardonable sin, in my view. Denying compassion, integrity, and value these are  among the "holy of holies" that all to often gets trampled in the expression ego, greed and anger. And trampled by christian and atheist alike. There is a common enemy and his marks are on  many.

    The only god we will ever have to come change the way things are is ourselves. And those changes are first personal, then communal, and economic,and when done with noble intentions,deadly. Because people in power don't like losing power to people who want freedom, integrity and life.

     What gods we have turned out to be. And what miserable servants of gods we have been. We have punished our children to the sixth and tenth generation with taxes,toxins,and torments because we did not love goodness, fairness,to respect nature. I can draw an interpretation that the bible god seems an allegory of humanity itself. And that to rid ourselves of the sins that make up this god ought to be the practice of Christianity as well as humanity.

     The simple fact is that it isn't,could it be that is because it isn't a common human interest? Have the things of simple honest life become laughable and antiquated perhaps irrecoverable... esp when you pause to consider the price to our comforts that setting things in sustainable balance would entail.



izm
   
Ps do you know what is worse than all this?  The fact that I blogged my frustrations. Blogging, the other safe scapegoat.  How ironic life is.

    What should I go an march like the other world changing activists? My friend I think we are but fleas, and the kind of overhaul this world needs may be beyond our good nature. Don't worry Mother will recover, we are oil for another creature...by the time a new order has evolved they will have just enough time to advance enough to escape the blowing up sun. Let us hope that they wont make the same mistakes we have; perhaps they will improve upon the psychotic bible we will have left behind ourselves.

   (have you ever wondered if humanoid kind has been here before and self destructed and regrew and again we self destruct? I wonder what the next group will discover about our ancient world. Will they have learned the futility of political fighting and the goodness of a respectful use of nature rather than the rape of her for profit?)

    or.oh yeah...........time for my medication,it really is unhealthy for me to get all worked up.. seems the only thing i can personally do is blog and make the most of enjoying the qualities of life i can steal away. Normal people dont worry about the nature of reality, it is too terrifying a beast, we are all marked.

_end rant_

Intermission 2; depression

**** orginally written early March after chapt  ****

You know the adage, "those who can, do and those who cannot , teach"

It is interesting isn't it? But sometimes I wonder if it is not less of a joke and more of a truth? doesn't always seem that those without kids have better ideas about them than those in the battle field? And don't the  stragiterians have clearer vision than those in the trenches?

No you say. No because, those in the muck of life see the oppositions that have to be over come in order to carry out those well organised philosophies. No, you say because those with the luxury to sit thinking about things are not equipped with the experience to put those ideas into operation.

But you do. You of the muckous trenches have the skills to bring about, test or prove the thinker's idealisations. So haven't they taught?

And for those who are the non- able teachers, do they not teach themselves to become as much able as they may?

Well anyway ....

Those who cannot, write novels and blog their insanities with the hope that what ever they have teached, can be improved upon by those who teach back. And that we all , eventually, know how to do.

And this one thinker, cannot do self discipline. Cannot commit to promises, and feels absolutely out of touch with intimate familiarity. And today (since mid jan) feels like bitching about it.

I have had a few stunning thoughts that i cant dive into enough to heal. They are random but definitely personal blocks and i am afraid i am simply stuck with myself. But even in trying to get them out...... i wonder what does it even matter?

the reader is not in my trench.

i want to be loved and i want to love, but i deal with the shame that my imperfections and oddness of personality made my husband ashamed of me.

i want to build something and create a future, but i deal with the pain that i am potential without follow through, that i have no clue how to achieve long term goals and seem to thwart every effort to get disciplined.

I wish i was a great mother but i struggle with wanting to be alone and selfish and frustrated by the discord between us.

I am not like I wish, and when I am it is for very short, hormone related periods of time.

I hate being human.

I hate my failure

but I am stuck here. alone. disconnected.

(ok i think that's enough of that spiral hum?)

in a word I am lonely and don't know if I can even dream about a mutual reality with another person, because I am so terrible to live with, and because my troubles are too deep for anyone to put up with.

people socially hate addicts, people socially hate dreamers, loosers, whiners, talkers and failures.

I am sure I could put a twisted positive spin on this like............they hated Einstein also... but. I am too depressed right now to be interested in cheering up.

it's just

it's just that...

I feel like Pygmalion. That is what I remember of his tale. I think I identify with the statue herself.

I want to dance and sing, and debate and think. I want to be an artist and a renaissance person. But I spread myself thin, and go in obsessive spurts.

Part of me hopes that college will train me to apply myself even when I don't want to. But I am such a slave to my " but i dont want toos"

************Insert the passage of time, and strangely enough the interception of Love?!***********


Today is April 19... I didn't want to disrupt the space above my last chapter. (but i guess i did anyway dang nab it)

Yes i am still very much in the spiral of things above mentioned. added to them is the uncertainty and confusions of love.  

There is someone, and i fell into what felt like love...  filled with all the hopes and ideas for the enjoyment of each others company for ever and ever and ever.

 Then i asked myself.... But didn't i hate having to give attention and subduing my wants, and feeling guilty when i just didn't give a hoot about intimacy?

Didn't i hate having an obligation to some one..... and hoping he could be my support emotionally?

When i keep thinking about it i wonder about how my lonelyhoodness is a hurtful burden  on someone who loves me. 

yet he still thinks he wants me.  Is beauty a curse? 

Naturally my alter self is growing more and more displeased with my negativity.  She suggests that  the thing I am engaged in is not rational...*blah blah blah*... and that what I am REALLY doing is trying desperately to get myself rejected so I might go on regretting the one I missed.... and she wants me to try to confess that part.


Why do I shut down when someone wants to be with me?  Why am I in hyper paranoia and cant find my mental peace?

I think it is because I am nervous about making a mistake with this man. The feelings of ooey goofyness and la la love kool-aid; they come and go. Too much sexy sexy baby-talk and I find that 
I cant reciprocate it, I cannot objectify him physically/sexaully.

Oh I can be cute and I can be flattered and I can act along, but when I think there has been a *cue* I feel forced to try and type out my intimate penis grabbing undulations.  The assuming patient man chose someone for whom sex ain't much. And I am afraid of not being able to experience what I have heard it could be.

I turned off that chakra years ago. Only crave once in a while of course it is a consuming preoccupation that is always satisfied by something Internet related then it is burnt out, poof.
dormant for a few months.

So with my various hang ups, I rather figured it was not good for any human male to have to endure. And I had worked on being happy. Then a crisis and mounting levels of fear of the future.
Then I met him,  and like him,  love too ..... but  there is always a doubt to throw me back.

and not all of the doubts are self hate related.  I wonder what I want...

Do I want to make a home with him?  yes. Why?  I enjoy our company when we are not either bitching or doing too much sexy goo goo.  I believe he will share with me in the interests we share, I believe we will enjoy exploring one another.

What is the doubt?

That I haven't had very much deep stimulation since the sexy goo goo started and I feel like it is one sided. 

Have you tried to communicate this?

Yes.  I get feedback of patience and time, little digging and rooting. And I keep pulling back into my head to try to get my space right.  Of course he and I haven't built our mutual space yet, so many things lacking with being long distance.

I rather guess that it is a matter of faith, waiting for us to interact in person. Therefore all the doubts of how a man can say anything, the proof is in the pudding. But do we know enough to discern the flavor of the pudding?

I guess I want more intrigue and intellect they seem to arouse my "other chakra" best.  I am also pulling back because I don't like so many physical compliments. again not so much a self hate thing as a focus thing.  I know I am cute and charming and yadda yadda.... I already believe in all that, I don't believe that I  can use my mind and abilities to suceed, or someone worthy of deep conversation, or even witty .... I don't believe in my self expression, or confidence, or in the firmness of my emotional convictions. Scared becasue I am not even sure how to be with myself, and have only known being dysfunctional with others.


He claims he is the one, I hope he understands I will be holding my doubt simply because I have not gathered all the information and experience, and it may interfere until all can be examined in person to person.


But in the mean time I must needs work on applying my focus on the good stuff  because I want to love him more completely and do care for him. I enjoy seeing him excited and filled with happiness .  To enjoy the moments that make up the love stuff. I think so much will be different when we are involved with each others worlds.

well i guess that's it for today.  Mind Dumped  for a feww moments anyway.

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Eighteen

*** Carol***

I called Jerry down after his time was over to have his apology. I read over his proclamations of shame, and what nearly smacked of vows and determinations about the strength of his resolve. But I saw no mention of any root cause of the sudden change in social graces that eventually lead him to his confessions. And no mention of experiences or actions that might have lead him to think his accusations where intelligent. In fact no mention at all of the accusations and why they where incorrect. He failed to meet the objective entirely.
*softly carol... my thoughts warmed over.*
" I accept your sincerity. But I do not accept this apology. You are withholding information and if there is one thing I handle with even less grace than rudeness, it is dishonesty; Basement."

Jerry wobbled and nearly fainted scared out of his mind, but he shouldn't be. He should know exactly what I want from him, and he will tell me.

Upon hearing my order for Jerry's presence George clicked off the tv and scooted closer to Diana who was pretending not to be concerned about Jerry. George was likewise pretending, by pretending that he was casually interested in her newist project. She pretended flattery. And I tried very heard to keep focus on my work, and not giggle at the spawn of puppy love.

But the time I joined Jerry all that changed.

*** Jerry***

She walked past me as I started to look back she stopped the very air by dragging her desk chair around so that she could sit behind me.

She left the silence to hang over me until it was maddening. Then I heard movement, small rustlings and clicks, and then I smelt.

My gut tensed and my shoulders slumped and even more timed passed.

" This is about pot? Mistress?" I wondered.

"Join me" she replied. And re-arranged the desk and chairs. And actually shared the joint with me. But we didn't talk, I simmered until my mind was still.

"I've been sneaky and secretive about my smoking Mistress. I assume you think it has something to do with my disrespect, please help me."

"I do wonder if what you think is the thing needing questioned. Where have you been this last few weeks?"

"Working on my car, thinking things thru.. " caught myself minimising." and um not letting anyone know that I was smoking."

"Why not?"

"I was ashamed. I also didn't want the stigma of everything I wanted to talk about being labeled oh 'it's just Jerry being high.'

"Hold up. Why do you think you would be judged like that here? Didn't I offer you the option to smoke, I had my reasons when I did so. You did not disrespect me because of being high but by presuming to have considered all the facts. But because you where avoiding being found out many things began to go amiss Jerry didn't they?

" But I have another concern to take up with you. How are you paying for your addiction?"

I felt my guts churn intensely now and my skin shrank as her question cut to the quick. "I thought I was going to have a job in a couple months and w-was o-on credit with him." She let shards of time linger on the single word. "Really." and I broke down again.

"A great man once said Self- command can be achieved when obedience to reason becomes habitual. Ritual 3 discipline is not reformation. Jerry when you are ready apologise again."

She dismissed me, still quivering yet my mind calm I paused at the front door and entered the living room again, addressing everyone.

"I want to apologise to all of you for my display. My fault began when I was not forthright about accepting liberty with marijuana that Mistress offered me. i became a liar and a sneak and because of my crutch and withdrawal from company I allowed myself to become obsessed with emotional reasoning. And dishonored myself , disrespected and was rude to the rest of you."