Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Nineteen

              ***Carol ***


              A time for recoking has come upon Our Jerry.  I project toward the heart of my bedroom ceiling.  It began this evening as we were watching television.  Jerry sat pensive over my new instructions that he must now ask permission to be high, and follow my meditative instructions during.  And that he my not obtain it by money or credit.
            He mused a while over stealing, building elaborate lies, he settled upon scouring his car for viable seeds, and was contented a while.


            During commercial he posited, " Mistress, i don't get it, why is it OK to smoke but not to buy it?"
            " Do you notice how you haven't been asking so many questions lately?" I poked as he charged ahead becoming irate. "Mistress that isn't an answer."  It is, I protested as the television went to pause.


I continued ' Consciousness is your liberty, but do not let your consciousness become enslaved. Your addiction, Jerry is your slavery.  You may enjoy the higher states of mind but you will not allow impulse and seduction to dictate and cloud your thinking. This is the means of reformation of addiction, and while you are high i will show you self-discipline."




He pondered a moment. " So you dangle the blessing of knowledge when i am stoned, yet penalise me for yielding to seduction? That hardly seems fair.  " 


"What is fair? You must be able to deny the little beasty before you can truly have liberation. yet enjoy him just the same. Even he is at your liberty.  "


           ****George****


            Over the next few weeks I watched Jerry become a busy man.  He was fortunate that there where not only good seeds in his car, but also a small stash.  And the only way I knew he was high was because he was doing some ultra mindful cleaning or rebuilding  or an annoying simple breathing exercises.  Reformer has had me join him many times, I suspect merely to add to her amusement.
          Recently, Diana Jerry and I where sitting about the kitchen table playing cards and talking about our recent adventures. We had gone to the school, while Jerry had been denied permission to be stoned, and given a chore-slash-meditation to follow anyway.  And Reformer was purportedly up in her room reading. It was a rainy spring night.
        
         "That's nothing," Diana's card clicked onto the discard pile. " I've been doing claenstetics and marching drills all day today.... I would rather have your books George."
I grinned at her adolescently amused by her whining. "Oh and I was specifically told not to discuss anything with you. So ha ha, do you have a four of diamonds?"
         " Eat Sh-shovels full. " She grunted. " But still these books.." I continued " Not a one of them is less than 2 pounds of formal Language.  Reform law codes, History and theory of practice, The Criminal Justice system. Oh groovy I now understand that there was at lease four commites of bastards I have to kill for putting my ass in Ms Carol's dungeon. And yet I admire the checks and balances of the system."
         Jerry's nose twitched as he laid another pair of cards in row. " I got a call around 10 from my friend Steven. He asked me for a ride." Jerry's knees bounced, as his eyes darted toward the clock, again.  Diana huffed , " Oh it is time for the 6 o'clock feeding?" Drawing fire from his breath.
I half expected that a fine moment for interruption but he asked for a 3 of spades and told her to mind her own business.
        "Other than that Jerry what was your to do?  Seems me and Diana are doing some kind of  exhausting exercises, whats your gig?"   He slumped and became less interested in his hand.
"Just the routine polish and wax furniture crap. Only  I am supposed to focus on the air going into my nose, to keep my attention on breathing so i can report what ever details she asks me about later."
       " Details? " I incredulously poked." What, that the polish smelt like lemon, and oh about noon you had a piece of snot block your air passage? That kind of thing?  "  He shrugged and passed over the 4 of hearts with a displeased grunt when Diana asked for it.
         After a few more turns I suggested we discern some theme to these lessons, maybe by Saturday we can figure out the message of the week, as Reformer is fond of orchestrating.
         "Well near as I can figure I am learning the value of group discipline." Diana offers. " Just before we where excused I was starting to get the hang of the facing and marching movements and we really looked good, I think.  Made me think about my father, I can see how he could love all that regimen and stuff."  "Aha, " Chimed I " the value of group think.  All the little ants  go marching two by two hoorah hoorah.  Marching over the cliff hoorah hoorah, they all go marching to by two till they all tumble over into the blue;  Horr-ahhhhhh."


"No George, the purpose of the structure is so that there is no confusion when the instruction changes."  She defended.  " So you are crossing over ...."I interjected. tauntingly. "No more than you are George, you cant tell me you are not  fascinated with the books."


"I am, but the reason is different.  I like the law books because it is like knowing all the orders in advance. Like i know all about how left face and port arms gets you ready for the next task. I know the next task too. "  She listen to me while laying down a new pair of cards. I tried explaining but the truth was I had only flipped through the law book, looking for violations of my previous reformers and naturally  for loop holes.  Old habits die hard I suppose.  She interjected " But I think you could know all that and still not know what to do inside the group.  I mean I have seen parades before, I have watched the Color guard preform, and knew their routines, but it is a different world when your one of the marchers."  She bade me fish for the card I requested as I brilliantly observed how at least by knowing the "rules" I would be the one who knows when we are being marched off a cliff.  And she bantered " And you are also likely to be the first one to  incite a panic in the ranks while going over sharp rocks."

That shut me up. We continued on a few turns and individually meandered our separate ways until 9 pm for "the lives and times of the snail" on the TV.


                      **** Jerry****


        I had to leave by 6 to pick up my friend Steven. His car had broken down and he needed help. This was a wonderful situation for me, as it was an easy way to obtain without paying. Steven put gas in my car i got him to work sometimes and he'd give me alittle here and there. But i had to surrender it when i came home. 

       This was particularly difficult. I don't like being stoned HER way.  Increasingly i feel tempted to hide a pinch or more or, hurry and smoke up and "act normal" so i could just enjoy the tv, have fun with the guys,  or  even just read a book.  Her way is always work, or else it is not being allowed to do anything but sit.  I sometimes find myself snap 'wake" during the exercise and proclaim how i wish i was sober so that i can do my own thing for a while. To which notion a tingle creeps up my spine and hope she doesn't go there during conversation. 

         Conversation Ms Carol's style.  Once she told me that conversation is like a chess game.  And most people play checkers.  Checkers is like playing with pawns only. But a good conversation uses all pieces, but never lets you see them move.   What ever that means.  Anyway... She asks me things like..."what was your exact thought when you opened the peanut butter."  

          And we literally discuss the feelings, memories. Tonight iIwas not in the mood for a brain picking and tried to creep through the living room door frame at nine-thirty. Carol silently halted me with a gesture, no one was distracted from the show and didn't address me until the commercial.

"Car troubles, perhaps?" Carol replied casually toward the door frame. 
"No Mistress, Steven had to stop by the gas station."
" Your friend does understand,  Jerry that there are cirten strict behaviours that are required of you as a reformee. That he ought not detain you. I am sure you have explained to him your time restrictions. Have you not?"   
         I felt my palms quiver and smelt lunches pepperoni ghost invade my stressed exhale. I dryly answered " yes Mistress I have told him."  Hummm she cooed and invited me in, I greeted the others and tried to relax.

****Diana****

         Watching Jerry enter late kinda excited me. I felt tense, thinking about what he was in for. Like why? I mean he's late... he's obviously stoned...and......what about that question? I muse it over and again. Did you tell him your rule, yes,' then why are you breaking them? ' i retort to my self while knitting. Thinking more about what else....ummm

          But then I glanced over toward Jerry and felt ashamed of myself. And over to George, who had to sit off to the side of the room to read instead of with us. Tonight's show would have fascinated him to no end. It was about a paranoid schizophrenic who invented a scientific method for what he called "corrective vision" therapy.

There was a violation of the cease-fire on the Fritzeche Republic boarder and Keshathria took many casualties. I passionately glanced at Mistress, and back to my knitting.

He would have liked to see me marching today. Tomorrow we are learning the flag raising and lowering detail. I am looking forward to my time in service.

" Jerry would you tell me about your thoughts while you where in the car, before trying to sneak in."
"I'd rather not Mistress." She smiled permission softly and answered, " Are you lieing or being defiant?"

"I hope not either Mistress, I am late because he needed to get to the store, I thought it would be understandable. I am sorry that it isn't. "
"Your story has changed, Jerry. i am minded to ask you if Obtaining marijuana was part of this delay."

          There was silence between them, and his knee started bouncing, and he took slow breaths to calmly respond. "It was on the way from the store, we stopped at the gas station for.. for a rolling paper. it was on the way and i... told him i didn't have any kind of extra time i shouldn't have stopped for that for sure. But...it wasn't to obtain the stuff."

"Technicalities Jerry? " Misstress giggled sarcastically and cutely grasped her hands. "There are just so many things I can chose to deal with here, I don't know quite where to begin. " Drawing a related snort form the far corner. " George, Is he lieing or being defiant?" she asked and heard the answer both. And overlooked me and continued speaking.

"Jerry it is too easy to punish you for being late. You are in defiance of my rules, and you have to correct yourself before your friend makes you into a liar. Dismissed.