Intermission 2; depression

**** orginally written early March after chapt  ****

You know the adage, "those who can, do and those who cannot , teach"

It is interesting isn't it? But sometimes I wonder if it is not less of a joke and more of a truth? doesn't always seem that those without kids have better ideas about them than those in the battle field? And don't the  stragiterians have clearer vision than those in the trenches?

No you say. No because, those in the muck of life see the oppositions that have to be over come in order to carry out those well organised philosophies. No, you say because those with the luxury to sit thinking about things are not equipped with the experience to put those ideas into operation.

But you do. You of the muckous trenches have the skills to bring about, test or prove the thinker's idealisations. So haven't they taught?

And for those who are the non- able teachers, do they not teach themselves to become as much able as they may?

Well anyway ....

Those who cannot, write novels and blog their insanities with the hope that what ever they have teached, can be improved upon by those who teach back. And that we all , eventually, know how to do.

And this one thinker, cannot do self discipline. Cannot commit to promises, and feels absolutely out of touch with intimate familiarity. And today (since mid jan) feels like bitching about it.

I have had a few stunning thoughts that i cant dive into enough to heal. They are random but definitely personal blocks and i am afraid i am simply stuck with myself. But even in trying to get them out...... i wonder what does it even matter?

the reader is not in my trench.

i want to be loved and i want to love, but i deal with the shame that my imperfections and oddness of personality made my husband ashamed of me.

i want to build something and create a future, but i deal with the pain that i am potential without follow through, that i have no clue how to achieve long term goals and seem to thwart every effort to get disciplined.

I wish i was a great mother but i struggle with wanting to be alone and selfish and frustrated by the discord between us.

I am not like I wish, and when I am it is for very short, hormone related periods of time.

I hate being human.

I hate my failure

but I am stuck here. alone. disconnected.

(ok i think that's enough of that spiral hum?)

in a word I am lonely and don't know if I can even dream about a mutual reality with another person, because I am so terrible to live with, and because my troubles are too deep for anyone to put up with.

people socially hate addicts, people socially hate dreamers, loosers, whiners, talkers and failures.

I am sure I could put a twisted positive spin on this like............they hated Einstein also... but. I am too depressed right now to be interested in cheering up.

it's just

it's just that...

I feel like Pygmalion. That is what I remember of his tale. I think I identify with the statue herself.

I want to dance and sing, and debate and think. I want to be an artist and a renaissance person. But I spread myself thin, and go in obsessive spurts.

Part of me hopes that college will train me to apply myself even when I don't want to. But I am such a slave to my " but i dont want toos"

************Insert the passage of time, and strangely enough the interception of Love?!***********


Today is April 19... I didn't want to disrupt the space above my last chapter. (but i guess i did anyway dang nab it)

Yes i am still very much in the spiral of things above mentioned. added to them is the uncertainty and confusions of love.  

There is someone, and i fell into what felt like love...  filled with all the hopes and ideas for the enjoyment of each others company for ever and ever and ever.

 Then i asked myself.... But didn't i hate having to give attention and subduing my wants, and feeling guilty when i just didn't give a hoot about intimacy?

Didn't i hate having an obligation to some one..... and hoping he could be my support emotionally?

When i keep thinking about it i wonder about how my lonelyhoodness is a hurtful burden  on someone who loves me. 

yet he still thinks he wants me.  Is beauty a curse? 

Naturally my alter self is growing more and more displeased with my negativity.  She suggests that  the thing I am engaged in is not rational...*blah blah blah*... and that what I am REALLY doing is trying desperately to get myself rejected so I might go on regretting the one I missed.... and she wants me to try to confess that part.


Why do I shut down when someone wants to be with me?  Why am I in hyper paranoia and cant find my mental peace?

I think it is because I am nervous about making a mistake with this man. The feelings of ooey goofyness and la la love kool-aid; they come and go. Too much sexy sexy baby-talk and I find that 
I cant reciprocate it, I cannot objectify him physically/sexaully.

Oh I can be cute and I can be flattered and I can act along, but when I think there has been a *cue* I feel forced to try and type out my intimate penis grabbing undulations.  The assuming patient man chose someone for whom sex ain't much. And I am afraid of not being able to experience what I have heard it could be.

I turned off that chakra years ago. Only crave once in a while of course it is a consuming preoccupation that is always satisfied by something Internet related then it is burnt out, poof.
dormant for a few months.

So with my various hang ups, I rather figured it was not good for any human male to have to endure. And I had worked on being happy. Then a crisis and mounting levels of fear of the future.
Then I met him,  and like him,  love too ..... but  there is always a doubt to throw me back.

and not all of the doubts are self hate related.  I wonder what I want...

Do I want to make a home with him?  yes. Why?  I enjoy our company when we are not either bitching or doing too much sexy goo goo.  I believe he will share with me in the interests we share, I believe we will enjoy exploring one another.

What is the doubt?

That I haven't had very much deep stimulation since the sexy goo goo started and I feel like it is one sided. 

Have you tried to communicate this?

Yes.  I get feedback of patience and time, little digging and rooting. And I keep pulling back into my head to try to get my space right.  Of course he and I haven't built our mutual space yet, so many things lacking with being long distance.

I rather guess that it is a matter of faith, waiting for us to interact in person. Therefore all the doubts of how a man can say anything, the proof is in the pudding. But do we know enough to discern the flavor of the pudding?

I guess I want more intrigue and intellect they seem to arouse my "other chakra" best.  I am also pulling back because I don't like so many physical compliments. again not so much a self hate thing as a focus thing.  I know I am cute and charming and yadda yadda.... I already believe in all that, I don't believe that I  can use my mind and abilities to suceed, or someone worthy of deep conversation, or even witty .... I don't believe in my self expression, or confidence, or in the firmness of my emotional convictions. Scared becasue I am not even sure how to be with myself, and have only known being dysfunctional with others.


He claims he is the one, I hope he understands I will be holding my doubt simply because I have not gathered all the information and experience, and it may interfere until all can be examined in person to person.


But in the mean time I must needs work on applying my focus on the good stuff  because I want to love him more completely and do care for him. I enjoy seeing him excited and filled with happiness .  To enjoy the moments that make up the love stuff. I think so much will be different when we are involved with each others worlds.

well i guess that's it for today.  Mind Dumped  for a feww moments anyway.