So many years, so little time

 I am having a difficult time finding my direction. 

When i was a young teenager i thought of the perfect allegory for how i felt inside since childhood.

I felt like a child always asking for a hug, and always being denied. Therefore the child keeps asking for one.  Seems like the child is spoilt and demanding but, if you just give them a hug, they could go away content for a long time.

Instead, they eventually learn that hugs are  not really important. They don't deserve one, and it is selfish to want such a silly meaningless thing anyway.

Better to deeply realize a stand alone attitude because.....no one will ever hug you.

And they don't.

Then the child forgets how to properly ask for hugs.  They are weary and overgrown with haggles and bad skin.

*yes i am depressed because i can't seem to learn to stop asking for hugs...or colleagues, or friends, or anyone.*

I can't get attention.  I am expressing the human condition, and how to still enjoy life...but today i am in a real funk.

*eyes zone out into *communication break down*

I am seeking gratitude for this funk. *song changes to..dazed and confused*

Here , while i zone out...ima leave you with...a quote...a clue into the direction i seek for this blog.

 I follow this dude but i don't know why.  He is a study for me.  And i wish that he could find his spiritual break thru or what it may be that he wishes for.

He had a big super dooper happening , where he experienced the wrathful form of his goddess. And she scolded him dreadfully and charged him to ...make a new dark mystery school ( his MO). He believes in the demons and the old lore. He seeks a group of people to learn from his researched methods and magic how to make the world into their magic playground.

Anyhoo... i am missing my jamm....

      

                                                        *******

insanezenmistress

          Dear Black Lotus, i have been stewing over a question about something you spoke of many videos back. I did not wish to go thru the email address. Mostly because it could open conversation, and i know you do crave that here among your comments.

     You mentioned the story of your trying to find some misplaced instructions for a ritual, and after exhausting the mundane you sought the help of your entity, and whamo there was document. (post script "whamo" refers to whether he found it immediately or if he remembered suddenly, or if his eyes/hands suddenly fell upon it)

     My ears perked because i experience this phenom often but i don't need to ask  my entity.  I know it is a matter of clearing the mind and knowledge appears. Or that is to say a different method that you. My question has to do with a postulation that maybe these beings are aspects of your own mind/ symbols of how you access your own mind.

      Then, a few videos you spoke of your visitation of our Mother. I do not disbelieve this. On occasion i have ......well not so much a visitation of the same level of power as yours was....but that is to be expected.  I have not seen her at that strength, yet i have seen her fierceness and her wrath,  but i have seen HIM on few occasions...and they are always a trip...literally....i...i dont really like seeing him too much....particularly as wrathful form.

    This is simply because i am female and my "Animus" would represent as Male, just as the other aspect the "Anima"represents as female. These are inverted  with boys, they have "girl big voice and boy little voice".  This being the super conscious. Carl Jung spoke of it.

    Of course, without a fair bit of ego work, such mental manifestations could drive one to dependency and mania.  But then i guess that is why all these systems have all these practices. And discipline is very important.  But i think the final aim of;  let's use  "Hermetisism" as an example;  is that one becomes magus without a "wand".

Divine Emanations

      Dear sister, they are real entities whose worlds you are able to travel to as well as they teach you various magic. They are in a sense our counterparts beings without physical bodies.

insanezenmistress
     Admittedly I have confusion about how much is me and how much is my entity.
I have worked with strange things but never knew it.   
Still don't know but ...well there is someone in my head but it ain't me.

We get along well but what is it....I haven't the desire to join all these systems to know what I do.
Various reasons. Thank you for the reply
How can I know my she is real outside of my mental realm?

Divine Emanations

    An easy or not so easy way to do so.  Learn to “see”, once you can see into the spirit side of the world and see the being as them to move an object. If you've ever been by yourself trying to sleep and you heard knocking or objects falling when you know it was impossible for it to fall that's usually them. They feed off emotion, mostly fear since most people fear them but they give you what's known as “Dark Energy” in return for yours.

     To learn to see practice silence in  darkroom or while staring at a candle flame, wall or mirror.

     Also mental projections disappear after not getting any energy from you, but these beings do not they are ever present. Once you can see you can easily tell the difference between a mental projection and an inorganic being.

Black Lotus Temple
    I love the way you speak, but these are real entities, and we can form relationships with them.

Divine Emanations

 @Black Lotus Temple  Well said brother. They are our other halves in a mutually beneficial relationship.

insanezenmistress

 @Divine Emanations  Well. For example the strongest emination, like BL spoke of that you can only prostrate before. This....if a mental projection . . I could say that I have never intended to create it by giving energy but it was more a sudden appearance with loud undeniable instruction.
It went away and I can't project such states. ( Total abyss started back at you thing).
With the lessor entity....I have called her wife for over a decade ... But if it is mental projection......
I am nuts.

Yippie.

Divine Emanations

 @insanezenmistress  I forgot the simplest identifier which doesn't require visual seeing.   If you've ever gotten the feeling you're being watched and it really feels like something is there or afraid for no reason, chill up your spine. That's usually them it's just their presence can be a bit overwhelming.

insanezenmistress

 @Divine Emanations  oh gawd yes.   More so in my youth.... Then I started being taught by some..  the observations are comforting but don't happen as often.

Divine Emanations

       Emanations aren't mental projections, they are sentient laws. Whether it's the inorganic beings or others worlds or us the laws of the emanations are absolute and beyond what we can imagine. But we can actually see the emanations are threads of various light colors, they can take on a more personal form if they needed to. Unlike inorganic beings an emanation can take physical form because it is a law.

 That's the huge difference between a mental projection and an inorganic being they will always have a “presence”.

insanezenmistress
 @Black Lotus Temple  Then the fact that they use our brain gear to " show up" to us, a a matter of our body being spiritual antenna.

Black Lotus Temple

   You could say that.

ilove my boyfriend

 @insanezenmistress  me too yes

insanezenmistress

 @Divine Emanations  you used the words " sentient law" if you meant it as such I can do a whole lot of meditation on the meaning it means.

Sentient law.   Powerful.

                                               ********

SO...I found a new and interesting dude on the internet.

i like his perspective but i think we have  a few things we differ on. But that does not matter at all. He helped point me to an interesting idea about spiritual/mental activity.

Perhaps our experiences are projections of fantasy of a kid getting their hug?

Our personal mythos is build of our childhood coping with the imperfection of our parents.

Makes good sense to me. But opened up a whole new adventure.

And now i am depressed.

GOOOOODDDDD.

but my situation is...

I don't remember my childhood. I have after effects....like behavior that does not seem to have a psychological link.  And few turn point bad memories.

But...little/no experiential memory. This might indicate CPTS.  And i don't know why.

I don't know why  i am too stupid for people to bother with. No one will tell me.

I don't know why my thoughts are not engaging enough to attract readers. Because no one will tell me.

I am only worth ignoring and not getting deep with....

* i am trying to make the decision to not let this depression take me over...i mean fuck humans...i am happy until i think of needing someone.*

Oh well.

 

Not that this whining matters. *back to jam....Heart breaker, and a sit back to smoke because i am so off topic.*

 

 Or maybe i am not off topic. Maybe this is mental poison coming up.

But how do i let go or deal with the desire for that hug? How do i accept that there is no hug?

I really hate being a human.

This person also brought up a thought... What if we don't have souls?  What if we actually work and grow them?  Also seems Plausible.

And he brings up the arrested development of human minds.  So true. We are children. We process like emotional children. We pretend.... then tell me my pretends are not sane.

He showed a video of some famous Indian holy man who used to  *manifest* trinkets of necklaces or powder  for throngs of people.  Amazed people.

But the sight of the scene ...gave me a visceral reaction of disgust. For i only saw ego and greed and vanity staring at the guru man.

It was disgusting...the greediness.  One man actually told him how beautiful the necklace was, but complained about god man messing his hair up while putting on him. He ...He made the holy man open the clasp and bestow it about the man's neck.

*very disappointing*

It is so terribly true that perhaps the only reason that i will never get a few hugs...is because not many are even trying to  reach up...or reach down to give them.

People do not seek to learn the very tings their religions teach them.  Ego death.

Humility, etc *see my face turn blue but not my throat*

 

Is it because we are children or because The grown ups have not pushed the bully off the hill?

Or there are only like....20 grown up in the entire world...and i am a new idealist.  No one to show me the ropes of how to help others.

This man has a anti thing about deulism. i am not quite sure i understand. I guess there can not be *other* like spirit realm because conscious activity is manufactured by the brain stuff.

I suppose in this thought vein it comes to present that the fact that we have a psychological science (which some consider high class woo all by itself) is because we are built with similar brains. Like dogs.

All dogs of this breed share similar mental behavior. Variations made by what gets programmed into the dog's experience. And the evil science of it all is to work out all manor of predictable combinations to make for a trained dog.

No doggie god.  Just the phantom stick giver who might one day give them a hug.

I can't agree with this.

 

I mean i can't take it as ... granted.

 

IF the stick giver is the one who never loved me right. Then where from does this desire for  something that never existed come?  Not all brains have this craving.

When i try to crawl into his head space  i feel like....

Alright, my mental fantasy land and how i deem that it effect my personal reality...is simply how my human brain and *energies* congeal and give me what my life appears to be.  

This is why  one man's shakti surge is another man's 5th Symphony, is another man's undeniable and life saving premonition.

Some people believe that by using the awareness and imagination in specific ways yield repeatable results.   Whether they learned it from an old book or made it up for themselves....might some Siddhis be  a *thing*? 

OK so if ...then it is just me bringing my own body and mind into it's own being.

But to the other humans around me, wouldn't my  presence seem wonderful?

Take a person like Thomas Paine, An atheist, rationalist.  Likely never met a god form.  But he was fully in his own being.  I am sure he had a certain presence.

Was this projection of a presence  a thing perceived by the intimidation of the humans who felt it?  Was it the intelligent awareness putting out confidence from the man?

 

*time for a spell check...maybe coffee break...the Levy is breaking*

So many questions. 

A friend is having me preview her ideas for her novel. i am  enjoying this. But she hasn't even looked at mine yet.*sigh*.

 

I have hyper anxiety just like she does.....you would think....

 

*sigh*

 

I think the vein of thinking this man goes has shed a lighting bug to flickering as to how i might gain insight into how was my  schizophrenic friend made.

How are people fucked up by kundilini and bad teachers.

 

Most of it has to do with one giving up their self agency...one operating as a child with the hope that the good fairy leads them to become a grown up.

 

They forget that one natural stage of childhood is teen years...and when they get to the doubt and question stages they keep sucking down the bottle. And can't see that the guru isn't looking to make fellow grown ups.

And also what if...every grown up is so stuck in their own person that there can be no group communication or good doing for the rest of the humans?

Why should i want to help people with their brains?   But, i can't hug them.

I can't even hug them.   It does not work when i explain to my friend how it is that i can still work a job if i have experiences like she does.  And i told her because i know that the voices need my permission.  I can tell them to shut up. I can ask questions back, i can test....they have no power at all, they depend on my submission to feelings and imagination.

She can't be helped...and no one can love her, and ....why do i care so much?

Because.

Jack Karrowak has a part in his "on the road" where his friend is bitter at god because his cat died when he was a boy. And Jack imagined that at the great judgment of god  he would pull the dead cat out and thrust it toward god and demand..."explain this!"  And that expresses a bit how i feel..I pull out my Schizophrenic friend and demand EXPLAIN THIS!

But i guess i can more easily give up on the fantasy that there is a kind of person out there who could care enough to hug her properly.

 

I really hate being a human. And i really hope this is all a simulation, and that we do grow our souls. But more over i have been working on my ultimate heaven fantasy.

 

One main feature is an achievement board. You can look up any trivia you want to know about yourself.  How many times did you burp? How much money did you make?  Maybe even a little sim game of your life so you can see about different choices and life paths. And a library of all the books. And a house that has all the things you ever owned. 

(once i pondered how many certain kinds of cabbage patch dolls would be in the possession of other heaven dwellers. Or could you tell  their life era by the particular brand of thing they have? And 'EW' how commercialized is my heaven now.)

You can mix and match things..make meme videos of a string of all your burps compressed into a symphony. Heaven will be pure entertainment.

I want to be able to  study the actual history...to know the depth of my unreal reality formed by the powers that just want my slavery.   I'd like to also over hear and watch/study the scene of my parents "doing bills" the most stressful times i don't remember.

 

Oh and me and David Bowie will be composing a concert together...and make a documentary  during the process of creation of the event....that was a super fun fantasy.

I only started the dream by wanting to sing a single duet with him...but then he postulated...why...we could do so much more...we could write the music.... learn how to sing together and make the magic...make a whole concert.

And we did that in a flash of my brain juice but i glossed over the fine details like a movie montage. I love montages.

I was thinking lately about writing the temple again.

 

It has been nearly a year since I became the Snail.  And i felt like i wanted to tell them that the crazy person is doing better.

The crazy caller who tried to tell you their crown chakra blew up....and craved help with the settling back into my mind again...but...no hugs there but the ones i pretended in my brain.

And that helped so...um....thanx Buddha-lady?

When i tried to put my grand experience into words the best ones i found were.

"everybody talks about Christmas and show me shiny wrappers. Then one day i am Christmas and i can't find my wrapper."

" i don't know what to do with my mind  now that i found it."

Tell them i have come to understand that the mental states are my mind , not to get trapped in them, what is true for me is the same for all so i am not some kind of special.  

And garbble garbble...those really weren't the words i was forming.

So...unless those words form during the next cigarette break...ima let it pass.

Not time to address the temple with what i think i have learned this year about super dooper mental woo.

Or maybe i already said it.  I just want to tell them more or less, and that  i am on my way.

Maybe someday i can find a fellow to talk with. But it appears that even Buddha people are not into deconstructing the mind as much as Buddha thought they should be. Or there are no truly high uppity ups that can find me.

Ya know the part of me that is bitter is this....

the lie told me there was a someone....i found myself and i am super dooper...but....why didn't anyone else find themself...and i can't find them....Why can't they find me?

So what does it matter if i own my universe i will never be able to help another find their own, i will never be able to meet another and be impressive enough to learn more.  Why did i want enlightenment...i thought it would help.

Jesus said gain the whole world and loose your soul...he didn't talk about

Gaining your whole soul and losing everyone else.

 And i am bitter that...there is no fool but myself on the hill.

 

and NONE OF THESE TEACHERS KNOW THAT.

They still seek the something that will hug them.

 

and........

 

*pardon me while i spiral in the existential confusion a while.....ok man, no more led zeppelin...time for.... ida know, something else man, this is NOT Achilles Last stand!*

*bob dylan....alrighty*

Oh... a random thought about heaven. I don't think i said it anywhere on my blog. But i have typed it on the internet before so...

Our common vision of heaven is like a perfect family gathering. That one perfect thanksgiving. Aunt Joan was not drunk and say mean things. Uncle Joe didn't molest you.  And Mom and Dad really understand their sins against you and you also can understand your faults. ( well maybe humans do not go that far)

Anyway...point is... if there is a heaven with Aunt Joan in it, who ever she was to you will not be who she is by the time you meet in heaven. And so on.  These family members would be complete strangers to you. First because what ever you saw them as was your construct of them...not how they saw themselves.

And other similar thought is about those people who think they can upload the consciousness.  A kind of immortality.  Would my new friend on the internet think this was possible, if we are naught but mechanical bips and bops?

I say it is not possible. Because the recording of the person that you have would be shallow.  Sally likes green, Sally watched foot ball. But I postulate that no new memories will be had. I feel like there would be no introspection.  And yeah would you really want to upload Sally with all her incurable mental problems on a loop?  She won't be able to self realize and if she does....is she now the AI revolution?

Could she then not become manipulated by actual AI systems that she would no longer be able to discern where she ended and ... and...

Oh they already wrote this movie....lawn mower man.

Humans with not broke brains and or enough time to sit with their mental space as the uploaded Sally- types would in theory have, would move their curiosity and learn to manipulate their new world.

i imagine.  

 

Well i don't have anything else right now.  Time for a nap. 

Post script...make of this what you will but...even the "no one but yourself/mechanic of only truth is found in your life/mind/brain combo"

(a non duel idea...if i am tracking.)

Is one also programmed into us for us to find through out movies and themes. The circle of iron with David Carridine made this ending clear.

We are programmed...by what?  What chose the images myself as a human can come up with or fantasize about?  

 And what about those Archetypes not given much light of day...Like having fairy god parents, or Avatar archetypes, or "Mr. Myagi" wise teacher archetype?   Only "crazy people" get them right? 

 I say  that a person can have such an archetype but their ego identification with it causes the loss of sanity. The trouble with having no awakened teachers out there.

Who promotes and models these archetypes for us to discover and  who obscures those that will not be accepted/allowed among us? 

 
Those rulers might be smarter than me.

 

(dude...that's paranoia....)

 

Group psychosis, governed by an elite few who figured out the Brave new world thing ages ago?

 

(dude...that's...  well....i mean... it must be paranoia)