Circa 2000 CE, the deconversion years.

WHAT I GOT AGAINST CHRISTIANITY. (from the zen master's joke book)




I am not sure how to start this essay. There will be a lot of information i need to get off my chest. And i am sure that this first draft will be in insane zen mistress style, of free association writing. But i will start with a small background about what happened and why i am not a christian. (( post script, how fickle the intelligent mind, any good argument can toss it about))

I accepted Christ when i was 13. I had already had a "church" relationship with Jesus, as a small child starting form about 8 years old. But at 13 someone answered all my questions and offered me Jesus as Lord of my life. They where fundamental Christians. I immediately ate up the scripture and began having fantasies of teaching large groups of people. It was not long before i could start seeing bible verses and warnings in everything i saw. I studied deeper.... I thought myself an apologist.... and spend lots of time studying prophecy and argumentation of other religions, and the human condition.

I had a typical pattern. I was what i call "on fire, for the lord", for about two weeks at a pop. Then in that cycle, i would start asking deeper questions, ethical in nature, then biblical , then historical, and then is tarted looking for evidences of god in the world. Followed by studying other religions out of curiosity. These things "god in the world" "proof" i rarely saw my faith would die, or go to sleep for long times. Then came regret, the seeking, and the total re dedication of my life to Christ again. It was a constant cycle lasting for about 13 years. Deep study of ideas, philosophies, thinking processes, and my own study of life and what i thought was right and wrong.

But i still thought myself a "christian" at the soul level. During that time i have been a Zen Buddhist, a new ager, a witch, a shaman, a Wiccan , a Baptist, a Presbyterian, a Pentecostal, and a catholic.

Each religion leaving me stuck with the very same cycle. I should have known then that it was not god leading me back to himself but myself leading me in circles. or i could have considered it the fault of the cycle itself, and question whether it was there as a fail-safe of sorts for discovering truth.

And that is what i did. That is what i had been doing. Trying to find the that one thing that causes all religions to expose their lies. Call that "testing god" if you will. But i was seeking Him. ONLY HIM!

I wanted to be right with god. And to do so i would have to find and obey his truth.

So began my actual zen process. To make a short story long, i needed to ask god WHY!



I followed every strain of logic. And discovered that most of them are forgone conclusions. You only see what you want to see. Like the dead people in a recently popular movie starting a balding typecast action hero. Then i began wondering why we are afraid of truth. So many people got so many good and true ideas. But no one questions things. They look for a plausible idea and make sweeping life changes to conform to the plausible idea. This is religion. This is how your Satan works. Other people call it personal demons, the Chief one is selfishness.

Solomon said it right; there is no new thing under the sun. And he sure was not talking about technology. See we make our destiny. We each have our written legacies to study.

And all they are is the results of another mans circular reasoning. The evidence of this is in the very arguments about the different religions. If it Can be argued then it CANT BE truth.


That is why the old zen masters would not talk, or tell you what they really knew. But what about me, i am the insane zen mistress?

I have taken "telling it like it is " to another level. i am not afraid to tell the truth, because i know That it is according to my own circular reasoning.

i am just like you are, and actually telling you the complete truth, but i leave you to make the argumentation. This is also an explanation for the verse. "Carnal man cannot understand the things of the Spirit."



(waits a few moments while you digest that because it was a mind blower)



Anyway



That was infinity. Eternity. Time is irrelevant. If you where following my thought process you would have been confused maybe speechless. If you are reading my book just to argue me then you will be in stress trying to battle my every point or making sweeping remarks like "she is full of shit" "or Satan" "she is wrong" "she makes no sense" AND "she is absolutely right i adore her"


Fact is i am not right. if i knew the enlightenment or salvation that you consider true, then i am still a slave to religion, and hell.

That is the meaning of

"My peace i leave with you"

"The peace i give you , i give not like the world gives. But it is peace that passes understanding."


Chew on that a min,



Time's up.