Why do I blog?

 Because humans are incapable of sitting and listening to a complete set of thoughts with out derailing or trying to solve them for you.

Because even when I find a think tank of smart people they also fall short of simple conversation.  They can go on and on in the topic of their theme but never allow me to practically explore the mind of a different subject.  The one that always talks seems to act like it is my plot to turn the direction.... no no...just wanted a conversation about real life application of the medicine. 

Our lives are like puppet shows.  Our situations are like baton twirling.

And when I can't get an objective conversation about the things I think about sometimes and when I get pushed off to the dusty corner. and not even told "Hey we don't want to talk about what you are interested in."  To be told  I am liked but no one wants to leave a message or addition to the comments I left behind while waiting. Well.

I can weave quite a few dramas as to why am *I* getting treated like this. And it becomes another case study for me.

to do alone.

as all the fuck ways.  

And so I blog all the thoughts of all my personal problems because humans are not capable of being detached from their egos long enough to listen and draw out the light or to flip the script nicely for you.

They can't.

So one has to learn intellectual independence. But to be in a zen group i guess you need the intellectual independence but they don't even offer their  individual intellectual cross references of conversation. But what hurts the most is letting your guard down thinking you found friends to be yourself with but dang nab it the things you like are off the menu because it is not the uber high clandestine oneness with all mental frame work.

Pardon me.

I happen to live and move among human beings and this Buddha just can't yet figure out how to walk on the water while there is work to do.

or not do.

I don't care anymore now.

Your denial of me has not taught me the lesson of detachment from my ego wanting to think tank a drama scheme.  It has taught me that I am not even worth the curtsy of telling me that up front.

I mean.

For people who want to  blow smoke up my ass that I am intelligent and  the few lines I had to fight to express on the podcast make me a rising star of the thing. WHO the FUCK are you FOOLING. You arent even interested in what or how I have to say.

And why can't you speak objectively about the objective behavior?

Chan Students?

If I am the fluffy biscuit you can't wait to butter, then why the heck aren't you interested in anything I want to host? 

So I host here. And get just as much interest and conversation and clarity. I do so get tired of the "zen topic is important when i am hosting about zen stuff but zen topic is not important or part of the study of real life psychological stuff."

 I think an enlightening being ought to be quite conversant in cause and effect among the minds of men. Conversant directly with their sang-ha  so that they maybe understand better how to be conversant cloak and dagger style in the real world of humans.

But, forgive me I am so emotional right now. I got fifty problems to think tank and my friends aren't interested, so until I get my head screwed back on and empty,  I guess I blog, then go see what they would rather talk about.  Oh the lankavatara sutra.

Which I love, don't get me wrong. Shoot I can look at what the Lanka teaches and feel less attached to my personal life drama easily.

But my point of wanting to topic some psychological study and plot was for educational entertainment, for understanding or a view to compassion or stealth that I had missed or was stopped up by.
Sheesh you know real life stuff that normal humans sit and talk about over coffee. What....don't zen folk gossip and analyses as means to sharpen their fangs?

Well if they do... they never let me do it. I guess I have not figured out their secret code for "don't expose my bullshit I might not be ready to describe it to you" 

Fuck you. 

....

I hate playing the waiting fairy game. Wait for a little promise of loving attention. I hate the grant and withhold game.
And I am  in particular sensitive to how that game feels when I am trying to make friends.  Making friends is hard enough already because my brain does not work like normal human's brains do.

How it hurts to still feel  like you are helplessly stupid.

Anyway after my head clears I got a story about the ball of yarn that is my family that I had wanted some moral support about. But Lanka study groups do not allow that kind of thing. So I shall make adjustments. (gut hurting self suppressing adjustments because I can't trust myself to trust myself to let go around people I am supposed to trust. Sangha)

I can't unravel that until I get independant fomr my fee fees of irrational disappointment

how human this buddha is.

 

here is my evil.... if my zen group are cult leader guru-types I sure would love it if they would objectively speak to me about the methods and meanings because i can sure use it with my yarn ball family.

Good kung fu is brutal isn't it?

 

 later when I have family style kung fu.

I think the direction of this blog will deal with zenning thru those dynamics. While I try to heal from my past in current time.