Fish Sticks and Ignorant Misery

 It has been a rough time.....the author doesn't even feel like writing.

*pauses to sip on the coffee and pick a play list....or do i want the radio?*

Not feeling mystic, not being god's special fart, just sitting here wanting to have a chat about all the things and opinions in my head about what is going on in reality.

 

*scruff it one can't loose with led zeppelin mother ship. And now for the getting high.....*

Want to pretend I am sitting in the house of my  alter ego.  We chose the back yard...because the kinds of things I want to talk about are not for the scrutiny of the Living room, nor the problem fixing of the Kitchen, and what I should want to get off my chest should be carefully let and not to be subject for a trip to the Basement.

 

This analogy of the house/ mental compartments are illustrated within  the symbology of my novel. But I am not educated enough to explain or describe or label what psychological/Hindu/Buddhist function it is named.

 But each room has a purpose and observation, and I think I have consistently used these meanings in the body of my work. 

But again, I am not educated enough to self determine if I am not insane.

Of course I don't know very many insane people who can make logical and objectively observant self inquiry sooo.

 

I am not insane. Yet i am Crazy.

 

But in a few passages of predetermined time, i will not be seen at all.  None of us will be seen.

There is a new program out there in the really real world. I can sum it up in this statement.

 

Individuality is Brainwashing.  Questioning is Psychopathy. It is the New Normal. 

 

(gee if only the gospel of Jesus Christ could have spread as rapidly we might have been saved)

There is a to do or not to do argument going around the world. And i marvel....

"I wonder why the "correct people" can never logically counter your a and b proposition. I mean they never try to. They never give you bullet points back which are not abstract fear- based or blind appeal to authority"

 

Well people, i was going to try to post the entire statement i made...but it has been deleted by the OP due to not agreeing with their whole premise.

 

Or because it could not be countered. The hypocrisy around us is maddening. (not to mention the lead poisoned behavior from all ... top down, all nations suddenly think the same and no one is allowed to be human anymore)

 

The People who are called conspiracy and psycho anti's....when they argue, they each have their own personal way to argue their points.

The *correct* and brave people each repeat the same script to include calling the rest of us brainwashed.

IF they try to counter back their whole premise is faith, and appeal to large numbers, and appeal to authority, and to spit back  "well you are not educated", straw-manning, and ad hoc. ( well i don't know if that is the right term i never studied logic)

It is SOOOOO strange to me.

 

 A few years back all the Atheist where released and they gave us all classes on the use of logic.

 THEN all the Narcissist psychologists where unleashed and they taught classes about how abuse operates. 

THEN they released the gate keepers to feed us History and Esoteric Secrets. They taught us classes on finding our source and on liberating our minds.

BUT NOW>.....

Everyone didn't take those lessons seriously.

Some people believe that there is a thing called the 'revelation of the method'. A belief that in order to absolve the bad guys of karma, they have to tell us straight up what they are doing.

 

I wonder if there is also a law to determine that they also have to show us the path out as well.

And leave it up to our own sinful digression.

Well...think it over.

Before each dark time was a time of  renaissance.  

I hate humans.

I fucking hate them.

*i hate them so much i love them*

Anyway..... *led zeppelin time....Since i been loving you*

The human right of self expression is cut off. The human expression of intelligent de/inducement are disallowed. The desire to self determine and live within the frame of our own mental reference....is not inclusive enough to be good for the masses' digestion therefore  ware this mask and shut up.

Ok master...i sure don't want anyone to think that i think for myself about stuff. By golly....that would be outrageous.

damn, i am going to the gulag for that. But here is a thought.....

Who is going to be the guards in this gulag, who is going to torture me to make sure that i learn how to think properly?  Who today has the work ethic, the moral ethic, or the dedication to the cause and the noble ideal to stay off their cell phones and do the job of culture reconstruction?

I mean....i just died last life of this brainwashing  crowd psychosis. HOW does it happen again so quickly!

 

Some humans want to control the minds of all the humans.....some humans want to control us completely without even asking us, some humans put out programs of thought, and emotional appeals to other people who trust them.

 

We ought to have been able to trust them. That is what we made the government system up for in the first place. Because individuals do need some collectivism to manage the larger things of life and living together.  etc etc.

 

 Why can i state something that was once common knowledge fact...and get *sez you* as a retort?  HOW can that human be satisfied with himself?

Basically their logic literally boils down to...."do what i say because i think you are stupid. And i have all these magnanimous what if's and paranoia that make it morally acceptable for me to hurt you. "

 

WHY are they incapable of self reflection and awareness, while i, the fucking schizoid, IS CAPABLE!

 

 How can he be hopeful that god won't miss him? Or that the powers he obeys will be kind when he never gets a fair chance to think things over?

I know how to stop evil.

I do.

But you won't like the idea.

You will not be able to mentally go thru what it takes to stop evil right now.

Sorry.

Because stopping evil is going to be the most hurtful and selfish thing you can ever do. And everyone you love will HATE YOU for stopping evil.

They will.

Sorry.

And you will also HATE YOURSELF for stopping evil.  You will feel that you are the most terrible scum on the planet if you do what you must do in order to stop evil RIGHT NOW.

 

It has nothing to do with what you study.

 

Who your faith is in; Or

 

How special your fart of consciousness is.

 

And the consequences are eternal. The consequences are relative. The consequences are bloody. And if you can do it.....you make the world laugh at the little imps running around beating you, killing you, imprisoning you, and telling you how and what to think.

You would end that forever.

 

And if you do not.  May the gods all turn their heads in shame of you.  

May the gods help us, but not for the sake of mankind, but for the god's own sake.

 

Up until now the gods had freedom of expression. They could move poetry and ideas and circumstances and dreams and fantasies and beautiful life stories.

 

And now...by the design of mere evil Humans the conscious population of this planet, of their situations, and of their living personal interactions, of their desires to express personality and beauty....THE FOOD FOR THE GODS.

 

Will be prepared for the gods by humans into perpetuity......

 

FISH STICKS and ignorant human misery.

 

Be blessed with the knowledge of what needs done by you, if you want to be free my friends.

 

And final thought....

Think of the movie Labyrinth.

Think of the final lines.

"Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."

Think of the song " Within you" and the scene where he throws the crystal ball in his cruelty. And the ball lands in Toby's hand.

SO much can be thought thru here in these symbols. But what I see is....

The ball is Sara's dreams. And Jareth has the power to share them with her.

She refuses to take the ball, does not seek her dreams for herself, therefore  it is Jareth's cruelty to let her have her dreams thru Toby.

Which will, of course never really be filled....just hoped for, and celebrated if they come true.

Think of ..... the whole final dialogue again.... 

 

"You have no power over me" and she refused to be enslaved to Jareth. Who does not have any power to make her love him, or to control her, or to even enjoy her beauty with and within her.

For Jareth to be loved, he has to be wanted. Even in his fierceness, and in his cruelty.   

But. Why does Sarah run away?

 

Commonly we imagine good on Sarah...Bittersweet for all.

But.

What is *Jareth* that has no power over her yet can take the baby, can command the goblins, can reorder time itself, and help you achieve your dreams?

I think....

Jareth is Wisdom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Empathetic Intimacy

 I suppose I should start with the story of what I have been going thru. I have had a bad time and a good time each with their own life lessons. (But i am not sure if i will talk about the good time in this post.)

 

Well I hope that these are lessons...that is the work thru of "krma" if you will.

 

I have had a sensitive stomach for my whole adult life. I am prone to bouts of little appetite and dehydration. My sickness episodes used to be once a year but have increased with my old age to two or more times a year.

 

I never call out of work unless I am half dead.

And I am the fool who will try to come into work just because I am only half dead.

If I eat bad food, or solid food when my body is not ready, due to a term of low appetite, then look out.... I am half dead.

 

Especially if i have done exhausting  labor without being able to replenish my strength.

(i asked them to let me build strength by lifting half of each dough for few days instead of the whole dough every other time which exhausted me several times a day twice in the week.  They said well they like doing heavy then rest so they won't let me do half their work all day....in so many words. Hence my preliminary bitterness)

 

 So my story is about bitterness. 

Intrusive thoughts of anger and need for justice....for compassion.

And loneliness.  Again.

So I had been barely eating for the past three weeks I had been consciously trying to maintain water and some calories everyday. But I was loosing the battle to eat.

And the calories where just not enough. Was having little visions of how monks can go thru years of eating little and they be alright. So if I keep drinking water....if I keep spooning peanut butter and soup .....I can be like  a monk, dude.

They say, with deep practice there will be changes in how hungry you are. BUT don't practice so hard that you think air will sustain you.

lol.

*sigh*

No, I was not trying to be a mediator, I was trying to encourage myself that I would be alright.  Then.....

I ate a few bites of solid....and bad food. Got vomity. (hyper-emeisis syndrome...when i pop off i keep on popping)

I got over it quick...like i felt fine after nursing myself up, drinking the water. Was not as dehydrated as I thought and I felt maybe I could go to work.....sip the water, swallow the peanut butter and drink the milk at work. (work/recovery)

The milk....my already trying to recover belly sipped some out of date milk at work.

OH HOLY FUCK

It did not smell bad. It tasted like ear wax. It had little tiny clumps of separation from the water part of that two percent shit.

I was desperate now to maintain meditative focus. Slow breaths.....don't turn the belly dear god.

IF I keep getting sick I could get fired. Please dear....

*GOD HATES YOU*

Well.....so....I had to go home.  I went home first because I was all pukey and that hurts when you got nothing but dry heaves....and being pukey does not get you seen in the ER quicker.

I know from experience.

I got myself stable and drinking water at home. then had to pull myself together...to WALK five blocks to the ER.....because my bosses want a NOTE....saying how many days I will be sick......when I can come back.

OH FUCKING HELL.

*but i am not angry yet.. just i know i need an IV..but still weak and can't pull myself to work the next day.*

Go in the day after....man wow...I had 2000 whole calories on my sick day. Man, I am only 1/4 dead.... and i must work. They are so mad and the last time i barely held on to my job.

Work is pure torture. Back is corded knots. Stomach barely holding on.

Mind filled with ...with the subject of this blog.

I was in living hell. Afraid to sip water.....dry throat....weakness....I fought so hard.

But during the last stretch...the last job barely finished....the dry heaves where not controllable.

I had to fucking go home before clean up. Ya think that would be alright seeing how i AM sick duh...but fuck no....

Boss was all about blah blah doc note. 

FUCK YOU. It is your fault I am sick. I can't recover over night.

I can't work my shift day after I been sick I need two days to recover. And when I come in like this....re-dehydrate myself in the 8 hours of pure torture....then I have to recover from that ....

 

And waste my fucking valuable time that I need for drinking water and eating peanut butter and bananas and yogurt  over the course of the night to be INTERRUPTED to go wait in the ER where I can't sip the water, rest , and eat the bananas and get fucking BETTER?

FOR a note that says yeah she is sick and needs two days off.

 

So, I got stable and went back to the ER, where there was a long wait. Like it was we where the only ER in town. After four hours of waiting and not drinking the water and eating the peanut butter for fear of barfing,  my vomit meds where wearing off, and i should have been home drinking water....i didn't need a fucking IV anyway, just a fucking NOTE.

 

I felt my pukey starting back up and i just could not in good conscience start hyper vomiting in a room full of ER patients who have already been waiting multiple HOURS. 

So, I got mad and left. And nursed myself at home. And planned to get the note from ER early Sunday.  For the excuse to be off Sunday. 

But....they called me in to work under threat. I went and I was pukey by the end of shift. AGAIN!

Do you think this is FUN FOR ME!

Oh about every six months I feel the wild hair to go knocking on deaths door merely to inconvenience you for a few shifts. Yes. I am evil.

 

Compassion. Humanity.

 

I am not asking you to like me....but ...could you please make sure I can't over hear the way you huddle and plot to fire me if I get sick.

 " i am so ready for you to be back here"  the boss lady said to a co worker.  Is not this unprofessional?

Is it not unprofessional for the boss man to throw his hand up even knowing I sipped the bad milk to shout at me..."of course you are, you ALWAYS do this to me"

I mean....it is a real stressor, I know my dangerous position and it well..........makes me wanna throw up again.

 

So you ARE  torturing me.

 

*ahh i have touched this rage...time for a time out.  Perhaps it is very hard for me to see their feelings.  Perhaps I am not seeing their mercies.

I write this to work out how to adjust my view. Because I do not enjoy myself when I have dark thoughts about how very badly I wished for them to go thru one of these torture sessions.

Oh i am evil...but it is evil in a little glass jar...I want to look at it and poke it.

Why should I want them to feel what I have been thru?  Why...so that I can have a chance to NOT show them compassion?

Maybe to have a chance to say...ah haaa now you know.

Will they apologize to me for being selfish about their inconvenience?

SO why do we want others to know our suffering when they fail to show us compassion?

 

Some people of course will learn to go about to cause suffering just because it was done to them. But I am talking about normal humans.

 

IF I want to be a super guru I have to learn... why did I wish for my bosses to feel what I went thru.

 

Does not this perpetuate the cycle of life and death?  I mean in order for them to feel my pain as I do...should I not have to keep feeling it  *at* them?  Does this keep me from recovering from my pain?

 

If life and death and karma and all that happen in the moment and not in the hear after....well....my act of projection...is much like the butterfly effect.

 

Now a step back to look into the thoughts of my mind during the struggle.

 

 I did not play with or enjoy the rage thoughts...I did not have them completely. When they started coming up I worked to turn my mind from them.

I questioned much like I am for demonstration.

It was hard because they kept intruding randomly.  I would be ...."in breath out breath" then "don't you know how i feel, your torturing me...... i need to be home getting better....."

About here I would notice and work...and react to my back hurting. Thank god my stomach didn't bother me while my back was hurting.

Gratitude.

Well I should say my gratitude was not working powerfully but...ahhh not barfy.

Try to think of plans for feasting on the peanut butter and the yogurt and the mmmmmmmmmmmmilk....ahh tomato soup....ahhhh

and of course Om nama shiva shivaya nama om...to keep my counts and movements with the slicer.

If I was feeling good I would silently try to play a song in my head....

 

Then *BAM.... you all are plotting on me ..this is hell, all smug like that...i wish you could feel what i am going thru.......

no no*

 

Why!  If you keep your mind steady you keep your belly steady.

 

...

 

*um yeah sometimes i narrate to myself in third person....it is because i have no intimacy in my life.....*

 

ANYHOO>... Point is....hard to keep thoughts out that you don't even want to take part in.

Like depression ....

I realized I was powerfully at battle to not become depressed.

Not be affected by internalizing what I view to be their projections.

Basically much of the mental dialogue that can't properly be retold in jest here, was arguments.

Why they where unfair to me, and also why they are mad at me. 

They started to settle into silence when I sort realized............well...

 

It was a little vision of etherical rings.  My center was where I think and the intrusive thoughts where from an outer ring.

The outer ring was entangled with the energy of the outer ring of the boss people. And they where also separate in their center.

Basically floating thoughts, not necessarily the situation or behavior happening that needs my reaction or acceptance.

We all have secret thoughts don't we. We sometimes think the lady's hair is ugly but we act something nice.

Similar.  Just a delusion to help me not wish vengeance on sentient beings.

 

I also struggled with deep need for human connection. I was feeling like the whole world abandoned me, I was being punished....had no one on my side to hold me while I was experiencing stress and sickness...and bad thoughts.

 

No one to coo me and hold me, and it really felt like a void.

 

I knew if I stayed in that void I would fall into the depression being formed by the vantage of being half dead...the weakness of mind to succumb to intrusive thoughts.....

 

Thank god I have a broken brain...I can comfort myself most times...but this past sickness....

 

I really needed someone to hold me.

 

Hold me empathically....hold me intimately...