So, I called my best and only sister friend Karen. Haha who have thunk that a Karen could save my bloody soul?
She was always there to hear me in my worse times. And also she could give me a reality check; the times of the raising of my yarn ball family. But it kept turning out that no matter how clear I could get, or how carefully I could sleuth a strategy or dig into the core of an issue and build a plan of tackle.... my family never let my solutions be put into play.
My family never wanted to take the time to sit about the table and roll out our minds and work out self understanding or solutions to improve the family life, the mental life, that real living.
See normal humans don't think their lives are that important and they tend to feel like a powerless leaf floating with the rapids. But....life doesn't really have to be like that.
SO they did nothing to make life better for each of us, and the situation got and is still so toxic that I had to run away to find my sanity.
And now I have to rewire my entire brain to set it up to go back into the war zone. Sorry I was being selfish about wanting attention. I am trying to avoid learning to fall back into the mentality of 'fuck it no body really cares', except maybe Karen.
Ok .. ok... some of my bad attatude is slipping thru. Little break time.
**areosmith sweet emotion**
I should not have to depend on my Karen. She has her own life. And it goes well. While I have been living alone I found that I really rather enjoy problems to solve. Granted I don't want high drama or emergancies all the time but when there is some conflict I enjoy sitting with it. Letting the intellectaul chips cascade and lite where they will, wash and re-pour until the finer particles are separated and the big picture unfolds.
I mean problem solving is process, you have to take out your emotional and ego, try to look at that is happening without your emotional hurt spin, then try to let go of the illusion that is being disappointed by life. Yeah man... so much of what is under our skin in families is that the other will not be how we think is wiser or best for them to be.
Also when I am alone to solve my own life problems, there is only me. Once my mind is fixed upon a solution then I flush the rest away.
But I am going back to a family that butts heads with each other on every turn. A father who has many emotional handicaps. A mother who spazzes before she can calmly make assessments. And the same damn problem that has been there festering for 26 years or so.
I know I have not gotten to anything clear yet. I suppose I am too busy with pre-disclaimer and can't figure out how to set up the meat of the story. Well, bear with me. SO many times I think that these "major issues" are so damn remedial. I hate to confess how I went along with some of the set ups my ex put me thru.
Yet any of us seem to make ourselves innocent in our personal motives. And I don't mind being the wrong one either.
Ok so, as I was saying in my life there is me and my problem. After the process of removing illusion and then of realizing there is no spoon, I can smile and go about my life. Feeling I had understood the hearts of the matter etc. I will make amends if needed, I will give kudos when warranted. Then I have coffee and internet. Sit happy until the next challenge to rally for.
But in "families" My deal maker does not apply to all concerned. I can change myself but not others. And....(dang this story is hard to set up....I am so fucking frustrated and blocked in my writing.)
OK so I am going to sit back and smoke and coffee when I get back here I might just pop off with the story with no comment till the end. It is just a large bundle in a simple tale of one of these toxic family fights they always have. But see, I am embarrassed that I raised such inconsiderate selfish humans. And because they are so self absorbed, I have to rewire my brain about just how bad IS my ex husband. I mean him being narcissistic and all, but things just don't add up to him being an evil bastard. But a frustrated confused angry father who doesn't understand how he raised such inconsiderate humans as well.
All I can imagine is that someone will have to point out these errors. I simply won't live where there is no chance at genuine compassion and love. I am sick and tired of there never being any real true connection for me. Maybe that is why Zen Masters went to the mountain, away from humans. Why they where so snippy and hard to get to talk with.
((to stave off this depression one needs to pause and smoke and drink coffee for real this time))
*** listens to Cult of Personality by In Living Color***
You know why my life is easier to solve when I am alone? Because I am not lie-ing to myself. But when I go home I will have to not lie to myself biased on the information of three liars. I mean that when one of them tells me the story of why they are mad at the other, that story is filtered thru that one's selfish interpretation of the situation. Since they will not be self objective about how might their own actions have lead to the situation, they are instead up in their feelings of indignation. And it seems none of them are willing to back down and reassess their error and redirect their actions. They are consumed by distractions and entertainments. And it is a rare and odd thing...."oh mom, I didn't know you wanted to talk about real life stuff?" My Son, what else is there to talk about? Minecraft? Sure I love grooving on my minecraft plans and adventures. But real life is real boe. (that is southern for 'dude')
So, how much of my strange personality should be suppressed just so normies don't feel intimidated or murderous? I think I heard something before about how Zen Masters have disguise. ...
...
Hey man, I got a lot to think about just now. Might not be able to verbalize it. How am I going to navigate myself on the family sea?
*** story time***
Son " Dad is mad at me again. Don't be mad at him (implied; don't change your mind about moving back here)"
Turns out that the son takes the dad's car to work, they have a work truck that dad takes to his job, and now that my daughter has moved back into home they have a third car. But typically it is expected that the dad's car should be there at a certain time expected.
The household is experiencing great stress with life and a potential enemy to build a moat against and all manor of nasty things going on right now. And the dad is at his coping wits end, and needed that car to have dinner alone. But son short dicked him around. Blamed a random event of catching up with a high school friend and told me how dad was being unreasonable because there was the other vehicles and there was also food at the house and yadda yaa.
Granted the dad probably had a yelling blow up session that made my son have his fee fees hurt. And the son wanted to tell the mother that he hopes that dad's abusive blow ups won't make me mad to stay away. I told son that while i might have been upset about the way your dad carried himself I am not mad at him, not mad at anyone just....
And I had to explain that they are in great stress and should try to be more considerate to each other. You could have given your dad a heads up when you knew you where about ten minuets into that high school conversation. Huh, and later on in time I learned that after my talk on consideration the kid still stayed out. But i digress mildly.
Their dad is a truck driver, currently hauling logs locally. Has just taken a little bit of a pay cut. Our son is struggling in school and has just gotten his first job ever that he is really interested in. Though not a lucrative occupation, still doors and opportunities to higher order stuff along the lines can be available to him. And I bet he would adjust far better if our family life was not so back stabbing and hateful.
I would love to go back home with the dream that shoot just a little education and awareness training and whamo the problems get sized down to normal levels of sickness.
But I imagine that is unrealiliastic, huh?
And the other day a fight between my daughter and dad.
So, dad texts in their group chat, 'hey we are going to waffle house would you like me to bring you a plate back? ' She waited a bit to reply because she was driving then said hey I am in the town 20 minuets away I can meet you there. But see the timing was all not groovy for that. It was late, they had to hit the store and get back to bed for work early wakey time. So when dad tried to explain that she got snippy about whaaa can't you just wait and I don't want cold waffle house. yadda yaa. And dad was like, you are being entitled and the hell I am gonna wait. Which she read as he is so unreasonable.
Again, so much hate and stress and bad blood over ...well...have you considered the entire situation or just your fee fees?
But yes of course...all of them (and me too i guess) are under a shit ton of stress, depression, fear, bitterness. Mental Cockroaches!
Is my ex narc unreasonable.... I am beginning to be sucked into his delusion that he is not. Although he lacks access to some kinds of emotion, and has a hard time processing disappointment, and when he is not on anti depression drugs he has struggles with a contriving plotting, ruminating mind and can get turned all upside down in his mental orientation. I mean... he really could benefit from zen study.
These things can be self helped thru awareness and brutal bravery.
They are the emotional development issues that got broken when that part of a person's core identity was broken. Maybe because when they where a little toddler they where frustrated trying to understand something or they thought they had a clear feel good happiness about something they figured out and someone spanked them. (physical or emotional) They falsified their discovery (which is sometimes very necessary). They reacted terribly, and they strapped their corrections upon the child. What they did not do is observe the situation in the moment that needed handled. They did not see it for what it was or was not in the child's little world and deal with that also.
Common Example; Everyone is minding their own business, tv time, play time just life happening. Toddler toddles and explores; being mildly observed, scanned for danger prevention but other wise free to play while mom washes the dishes. Suddenly everyone is brought to present because OOPsy favorite thing is knocked over and broken.
What happens? What do people who have not practiced emotion control or observation do when this happens? Is Zen study really some lofty never never can't be touched by the common man?
Now that you have reviewed all the known human reactions to that situation. Now that you have consulted your psychology books, and after you have gone thru your therapy that was the result of what ever the heck your parents did to you when you where either a raging demon spawn that embarrassed them in public, or when you broke their favorite thing. What did you over look?
What about the child's moment of impression and learning how to deal with the problems that come from being a human?
Well anyhoo, my ex is unreasonable but not about what he blows up over. His blow ups are out of control because he is so stressed.
For example of his mind works.
SO there is food in the house, fresh supplies for a planned oriental style meal. He told daughter there is 20 on the counter and there is make food for yourself before work. She took the money and ran. He is disappointed and upset that she chose the easier route. Daughter is stressed because she has piles of laundry of her own to catch up, she has to set up a space to be, do section 8 stuff etc., and has no money and few to fewer hours at work,.....((interjection post script; Dad also gave her 50 to go to the laundry mat with her ten loads, to keep the electric bill low. 50 is gone, and not one stitch washed)) and she is dead set on having a 6 month break from working after babyday. Forgive me, I am so problem solving oriented that I was over looking how a mother feels. I wish I could give her all that luxury. But dreams are dreams aren't they?
I am stressed because i feel like i have to deal with four people's life errors, to try to spot a light on adjustments they could make thru understanding. But ya know what, at the end of the day doing that is not the occupation of my zen study. And if you fuckers want to make me sit there and learn the zen study of watching my family kill each other while being stunned at the human stupidity. Well then I guess I have a whole lot of zen practice to prepare for.
Ahhh ok let me slip away for a second....** listens to take on me by Ah -ha, and Tightrope by Leon Russel**
