Why is life so hard?

 This one will be long. I want to deal with many things that have come to head psychologically, and I do not have a predetermined idea of how to bring these out in a coherent manor. ( and they are emotionally loaded with deep pain of my core identity and sense of self acceptance- trigger warning yo!)

** 'Ain't nothing gonna breaka my stride' playing in the background; coffee about to be ready, pipe in hand, cigarette in the other, and you.**

 

You, my nonexistent reader. My hypothetical reader. My executioner.

One fact I am coming to grips with today is that .... no one is interested in me. Sure family enjoys me, friends don't mind tolerating me, strangers always feel welcome and I leave them with a joke. But, when I text my mind in paragraphs people say to me that I am incoherent.  This does not mean that I am unintelligent, but it does mean that I can never get a conversation based on mutual understanding of each other's rationality.

So it is no wonder that I am not interesting enough to be a famous philosopher blogger. And it is no wonder that I am not educated enough to get the really smart people to help straighten out my vocabulary issues so that I could make more common knowledge sense to the average reader. See, I tend to describe things that might be settled with a single vocabulary word. But I don't understand this, I wish for clear validation that what I feel is what that is called. Or what I observe is how other humans experience their minds too.  Or sometimes due to my invalidation at the core self I do not even know the names of complex emotions that I struggle with. Such as I didn't have a word to feeling connection for the experience of betrayal. But then we are not educated en masse about emotional and psychological intelligence. I am the fool talking nonsense and making excuses for my limitations. (so they will repeat with their un-scrutinized scripts.)

I have been told so often that I am not feeling what I am feeling, or that  I should not feel the way I feel, or that I am deluded and broken for feeling the way I do...

Well my non-readers who hurt ... I am sure they understand.

**btw I have not smoked just yet... still setting up the intro, so much has happened since my last write.**

I have done good work. And this blog was triggered by my Dad's dead pan silence when I was seeking his advice to use toward dealing with my adult child who is failure to launch.  I was pumping myself up a bit to knock down the child's argument that it was just too hard to get on her own. I used myself as a booster of realization that, hey I have been doing that for five years all by myself. And I joked at least say your proud of that.

Well isn't that nice? Because I do not have self care management up to his par of normal boomerhoodness, he is incapable of noticing the heavy work I do with to heal my mind?

If I could ever attract a reader who is (Jordan Peterson) erm I mean who is a real Psychologist... would they even be able to see I am so much better than I was.

 

(related tangent about a video that triggered an insight or two)

Last night I saw a video from someone that I knew a few years ago, and she is most probably a sociopath. She just happens to have two dead boyfriends under her belt, four kids taken by the state due to meth and has cleaned up and has so far kept the fifth daughter. Kid is 2 years old, pale, thin, and in this video that I saw.....that chilled me to the bone...the kid is in mortal danger.

But ya see; the video does not show anything at all. The comments say "oh how cute."  "Oh look mommy she was getting pissed about that tickling"  " hahahaha."

         NOBODY paid attention to the deliberately delivered set of full side face "play slaps" and "play grabbing of the chin and squeezing the cheeks" and the "faux going for the throat threat" NOBODY noticed how the baby's eyes where steeled. NOBODY saw how the baby's protests where not respected and nobody saw the look in that baby's face when she stopped protesting, grabbed and pulled her mother's hand from her squeezed cheeks back down to invite the ticking again.

 

 NOBODY heard the placating defeated FAKE LAUGH of the BABY.

 Nobody but the schizophrenic that is.

 Now some people who are trained in psychology and trained in abuse detection and prevention would be trained to see those things... but me.... me the unintelligible, uneducated, trauma victim herself... is obviously just seeing things because I forget to brush my hair, eat, and I still need to get a dentist, doctor and a retirement plan.

 

Give me a pill and ignore me I guess.  But ya see.....

 

If I could get a smart and intelligent psychologist who wants to revolutionize therapy...oh wait... Didn't I promise that I was finished with that fantasy?  Because all that I ever will be is some one's example of a pure nut.  When if I was born two hundred years ago I would have been some one's Henry David Thoreau. 

**well that was depressing.... ohh look coffee is ready.....I will BRB after a click suck blow sip ahhh**

**Lucy in the sky plays, izm relaxes into unspoken thought... reflecting upon similarities of mental mechanic between me and that possible socio-path woman. Not in motivation, not in terms of selfish needs or entitlement or dreams of what should be or not be but... in other terms.  The way she talks. The way she is self critical mid sentence.  These are similar to my patterns. Yet entirely different. I mean she self crits her egolectaul  behavior, while I self crit my intellectual behavior. I wonder if it is cut and divided along lines of intelligence and training or divided along the lines of belief and reasoning according to the fantasy?

Like, if the Dark triad share characteristics, yet each thing does not automatically mean the worse type of person of no conscious. My mental questions are not like hers, though our brains are self critical mid sentence. I find that to be a bad habit and learn to bypass the ego and refine my meaning till it is clear enough for speaking.

Well.... can't real psycho killers do that too? So is she less intelligent than me? But actually diabolical and cunning? I am not cunning. I chicken out of diabolical  plots because one must keep pumping in the delusion to keep it alive. When normally  settling down with a spot of weed and a coffee shows me the error of the diabolical plot. Thank gawd for Zen Study.

 

Do you know what hurts? That if my dad ever read this, or heard me pontificate my theories...he only says " holy cow" under his breath. He has told me I think of things that no one cares about.  He must see me as worthless and having nothing useful to say.  Does he know that he has invalidated my entire experience of existence? Why is it that what I know of normal sane love...seems like convenient detachment.

I sustain my desire for my father's approval even though i have had closer recently against needed his approval. I sustain this thing by imagining that my father is a superior man of intellect. One who loves me very deeply and is a leader in the military sense, and that his hard heart is filled with pride for me and my work. But see, I still have many years of hard war ahead, and it might weaken my drive to power if he gave me the comfort of the crutch of his moral support and affectionate hug. He wills me to be a fierce warrior and secretly he cries for each of my victories with a relieved heart. It is best, he knows, that he should appear fierce before me unappeasable, that I might strive and conquer.

And upon his deathbed he will give me a great sword, tell me that he has always been proud of me and what he was proud about and I shall thereafter rest in wisdom and a bed of security that I really was loved after all.

Guess my dad would call that magical thinking and dismiss me. Does he love me? I guess so, but everything I do is broken and I never take his advice about doing responsible things, I always have excuse for failure. I don't want what he wants for me. I want to live a life of silent contemplation. I want to write. Even if I cannot hold the interest of anyone.

 Does my dad love me?   Not really.  He loves his image of daughter and  not how the illogical stuff that his living kid mismatches, he does not know me. So I don't even know if he loves me. How much of his love is the liking of my quirkiness and wit, his liking of my studiousness, or moral character? But  maybe nothing at all to do with my ideas or believes and understanding? Does he love my art or is it to him yet another thing that I will fail to make profitable to my retirement plan?

Do these questions matter at all? Because they are one sided, all the feeling over or the hurt from the lack of the feeling of love for me cannot be compared to physical evidence.   Is it love that he answers the phone and hopes for me to do better? is it love that he too wants to be remembered and tells me his sad life stories. But will not acknowledge any part he played in my sad life story?

Perhaps we cannot own up to our sins toward our children. Perhaps we will never be able to account for our errors. But you know what... that is no excuse not to try. I confess my sins to my children and I do not allow them to try to bring it up against me but invite them to recover and seek their health. We all re-parent ourselves. Is it quite like I can be my own kids grand parent too as they self parent?

Does my father love me?  Love is a fuzzy term isn't it? He loves me that I choose well in hard life chooses, he loves me that I am responsible in keeping work, he loves me that  I am funny, he loves me that I am intelligent. And he mourns me for these same things too.  Is love, pain? 

 

**'Saturday in the Park' plays...i sit back to listen.** 

The other day my son was toying with the idea of, maybe when I got down there we could get a place of our own. He said his dad and sis is weirded out because he wants to express dress wearing and at least I would accept him. I said to him hey ware what you want but don't be weirded out when I stem for hours on the same song while tapping out beats. There is a reason we need to live alone. I don't want to live with my kids.

I figured something out about my particular mental illness, what ever it is going to be called by those with the trained eye to see things that the schizophrenic can't when she is making things up.  My depressive symptoms, the oppressions, scattered braininess, stress yadda yaada that makes us so unmanageable...

Yeah hey fuckers.... we get like that because we are forced to suppress our expression. Because you fuckers want to pat yourself on the back that you calmed down the broken person by teaching them to ignore their own brains and you slap some blinders on them to only work within your framework. Stupid fuckers.

But well what do I know?  I am the Temple Grandon of psychology, if only I could get one fucking psychologist of salt to write a fucking book about the work I have done. Weather ill or charmed they would make the fucking bucks, and I a pittance worth and possibly have a true retirement plan of the legacy of being help for someone somewhere somehow.

Erm this is my new fantasy. I don't need Jordan Peterson. But delusions of grandeur aside. I am avoiding the painful subject.  

** 'she's a man eater' plays.  **

 

I learned to cut the apron strings this last week. 

 

(Hey, we could call the book, schizophrenic lessons on how to be normal) 

Let me tell you the story of my daughter not the whole story but an episode of life. In 2010 I left my husband. Everything was amiable and kind not ugly. As i was getting out on my own for the first time and my daughter was 16 years old about to be ready to do the same, I thought it would be a fun healing retraining adventure for us to share like a game.  I mean, their dad makes three times as much as I do so training in a different lifestyle was in order. Money management.

I made the game like I would show her budgeting ideas, and give her fake money the same amount as my check and let her play with the drama of it. No consequences just monopoly real life.  All the freshness wore off very shortly. There was no joining  they even wouldn't change the keep a clean house habit i wanted to induce in my own self.  Before to long it was the same home as before.

Guess that means it was all my fault huh?  She gave no cooperation without my having to yell and fight and I ended up spending years in my room watching conspiracy theories and being duped by all kinds of esoteric philosophies and stewing in my own paranoia. Always, every dish in the house dirty or "soaking". Always " I'll get to it later" or the hours of screaming lectures I would give about  self improvement rah rah rah.

Then she went to spend more living time over at the Friends of my ex's home where he and my son lived.  Yeah. She got to avoid doing chores but she and my son where both scapegoats for everything that was not working out. Then she moved back in with me and got a job and helped with a bill and paid her own shit. We where doing alright and i ignored the mess....and the cockroaches....**flash back of bathing and sleeping with them in my bed despite treatment. It is utterly amazing what you can ignore then you are self hating and don't feel like anyone loves you anyway.**

Then I decided I really wanted to improve myself. Gawd damn it I have a purpose for being alive. I have talents, I have always had the goal of living the spiritual life and studying god. My whole life!  Even as a young wife I told my husband there would come a time when I will drop out of the world and dedicate myself to my spiritual studies.

I went to massage therapy school, and I have since utterly failed at that dream because I put no effort into self promotion and other mechanical inconveniences, though I have been afforded many nice opportunities. But I started to get discouraged when I was working on doing freelance work in my home and I needed the place kept better. It became a struggle to keep up with every dish in the house. So we started to not get along anymore. And I realized we where holding each other back. From her ages 16-23 I tried to encourage her and get her motivated and she did the minimum. I realized that my job and my home life where going to kill me. And my mental health was in shambles.

I had to leave for the benefit of both of us.

I have been gone for five years. In that time she has maintained minimum effort, and had to escape two bad boyfriends. (see earlier blogs) Her father's house has become a revolving door. Pray to gawd she does not get another bad boyfriend.

Her dad is unwilling to do anything that the advise for parents with adult children tell us to do.  He has it twisted that he is helping and keeping them happy. But he is also in exact opposite frustrated and abusive because he paid this or that and because she (or my son whom ever is the scapegoat that month) is not adulting yet.  But But.... but my daughter and son both called me telling of how they over spent dad's money and well dad said it was ok he don't mind getting things the kids need or buying lunch or gas. But but....but my daughter spend over 100 just for a little trip to the stores  and you always slip 20's to my son for lunch and coffee ..... but the bills that you pay for them come to less than that.

My ex is a paradox. No wonder he is frustrated. And these humans think they know better than me, the broken person?

He offered me, the sometimes delusional person, to pay for my move. And he seemed natural about building a shared fantasy about the promise we have to raise the kids together.  And how it would all be ok cramped in that little house stressed to the max for a little bit till I got my own place or got something together with a kid or two. Then suddenly the kids where calling more and I felt loved and wanted and  I yearned to.....**record screech**

That slick mother fucking narcissist! There is a reason I left you and trained!

 And so I began to imponderate on how to make moving down there work out and how could I buffer the stupidity and balance all the things going on in each person's head and plan my own moving into a place, or maybe an RV. I really do want the RV life. Oh how should I accommodate my literal medicinal need to be alone, I mean I could regulate my daily need to be alone but I would have to reward it with days alone. How How... how would I be when I get irritated and nasty when I have been bothered by petty conversation for too long?

Or the constant barrage of what should I be doing and how to go about it?

Or the blame of who screwed up our kids and why, which always leaves out himself and myself when he wants me on his side of the argument.

ER MA GRRR!

Look at it like this... He was asking me to give up my freedom to go play  grandbaby sitter or perhaps help him get the kids out of the nest? Or maybe he was just following his fantasy of being the heroic provider by not even trying to speak logical pros and con questions to me. For crying outloud I was delusional.

 That is why I need a support group of trusted intelligent friends who will not make me feel stupid because I have to figure things out like a five year old and need a Socratic method and ask stupid obvious questions in my process. AND I get quite joyfully ecstatic about it when I DO figure out the obvious.  (I even do happy dances)

 go away dudes, I LOVE ME.

Perhaps my core wound was at 5 yo. I have half an anecdote that might support it. But that is another tear jerk-er of a time. Stay tuned.

 

 Anyhoo. I figured out that going down there is really just enabling more of the same. So I found a solid footing in this... I have no advice for you, only tools.

And I became calm ... i am only half lie-ing... it was fucking agonizing to let the kids go. To realize I can't save them. I can't protect them from life. And that protection was the reason I did not raise them right.  I was afraid to let them have uncomfortable consequences, and they only got extreme negative treatment via words and projections and emotional unavailability...and all the sins I did against them.

HELLS BELLS I am not equipped to show them wisdom.

Ah...

Wisdom. You can't make one wise because wisdom is born of personal experience and suffering. 

Wisdom. Though the words of the wise are in agreement with many lessons learned and spoke of, the act of obedience to wisdom only comes by being contrite over your mistakes. Then the word you speak about it is wisdom hard earned that another will ignore.

 Well that is all.  Good night reader.

 

  Post edit script.

 

It was interesting for some but helpful to none.

I thought I was a voice for truth, but I am no one.

I thought I could share some keys.

I thought a lot more seeking would appease.

So many thinks now do weary me. 

This blog was meant to argue for god

All it is are sandals trod.

The road becomes the shoe.

There is not much else I have to tell you.

The End

Be excellent to each other. Happy Valentine's Day.

                          **This song is over. By The Who.

                                       Exit stage right. 

                              Slow fade to black, roll credits.**

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dv-jHvv2WzM

Lyrics

 

The song is over
It's all behind me
I should have known it
She tried to find me

 

Our love is over
They're all ahead now
I've got to learn it
I'm gonna sing out

 

I'll sing my song to the wide open spaces
I'll sing my heart out to the infinite sea
I'll sing my visions to the sky high mountains
I'll sing my song to the free, to the free

I'll sing my song to the wide open spaces
I'll sing my heart out to the infinite sea
I'll sing my visions to the sky high mountains

 
I'll sing my song to the free, to the free

 

When I walked in through the door
Thought it was me I was looking for
She was the first song I ever sang
But it stopped as soon as it began

 

Our love is over
It's all behind me
They're all ahead now
Can't hope to find me

 

I'll sing my song to the wide open spaces
I'll sing my heart out to the infinite sea
I'll sing my visions to the sky high mountains
I'll sing my song to the free, to the free

I'll sing my song to the wide open spaces
I'll sing my heart out to the infinite sea
I'll sing my visions to the sky high mountains

 
I'll sing my song to the free, to the free

 

The song is over
I'm left with only tears
I must remember
Even if it takes a million years

 

The song is over
The song is over
Excepting one note, pure and easy
Playing so free, like a breath rippling by

......

......

 Whispering Dreams...(the easter egg... what good production doesn't have one?)

Come step into my mind,dance the riddle of time.

And put on the shelf what you fear of yourself.
For the lies only kill, and the truth just a thrill.

Ask she who smiles precariously aware
meaning, intent, her eyes barely there
and with her meaningful intent
she cries until her soul is spent.

And never to be
before she seems
comes and goes
her whispering dreams.

Ps. yeah that means "The Life And Times of the Snail is a baby put to bed."

Let's do Lunch!

**she feeds them all dinner and puts them to bed**

Encore...Encore.....

OK...(march 11 2023)  one more really great poem. (as if i got readers.)

Sitting by a pond in a pretty wood.

Watching rings and flies and any that could.

Sometime, when hungry I will sit and wait.

Foods present themselves without bait.

Sometimes a bit of mud will stir clouds and rumbles.

Obscuring the turmoil beneath as fishes grumble.

Sometimes, when tired I will reach in there to pluck

a piece of food from the jaws of fates that suck.

But only to watch them slide down my throat

And feel me smile, ah now, does settle my moat.

 

Please enjoy this work of spiritual fiction  I spent 16 years writing it, and I will never be famous.

I am such a human, that is why I wrote it for you.

The end, again. For real this time.

 

 

Zen Practice

 Once upon a time and oft repeated throughout the ages  there was an important talk, given by many Zen Masters. This talk, once came as the result of months of preparation for the visit. 

After months of gathering the food and planning the meals and festivities and planning for special occasions for the public and the visiting dignitaries. All the monks could not stop talking of the expectations of what great things they would learn when they get their turn to ask the great master who was coming to visit.

"Do you think he knew Huang-Po?"  "I heard that he burnt up the whole cannon when he got enlightened."  "I read all his books, and I am going to ask if meditation is important or not."  "I find that his words where poorly translated, and it will be great to discuss with him what he means personally."  "Yeah well I don't trust that guy, to be honest. So it is my intention to check him out. See if he can quote  three of his friends to my satisfaction." " I heard that he killed a snake."  "I heard that he cut off a finger..i mean damn... what kind of zen is that!"

Soon the thrill of possible engagement has the monks circling about with each other, forming alliances, and sharpening weapons of intellectation, making personality judgements.  Even the humble and true monks are drawn out. 

" I just want to see his eyes, I think that will answer my question."

"What? How can that happen? What is your question?"

" I don't know yet."

"Then how can you ask him?"

"Maybe that is my question."

"Yeah ok, your not making sence. I am going to ask if he had a good journey I mean, all the questions are foolish for a guy like that guy."

 

Finally the day arrives. The monks are informed that the topic of the Zen Master's Lecture will be "What is zen practice". And it all begins.

The Master walks up the place to give the talk, and bangs his staff on the floor once. and leaves.

A nervous head monk is beside himself with confusion and also with a giggle because he gets it but.... the crowd of folk look on with various twists of face and scowl.  The head monk takes the microphone.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this concludes the Masters commentary on Zen practice.

But just before the Master left to travel here, his good friend Joshu send along a sealed letter that was not to be opened until after the Master's Lecture. He felt it might clear things up, he thinks that Zen Master X is just to obscure about things. So he wanted to send  back up support for the instruction part of the Lecture.

 

Sayings of Joshu 

 

 

A monk asked, “What is the path of true practice?”
The master said, “If you know how to practice, do it. If you do
not know how to practice, you’ll probably fall into some world of
cause and effect.


A monk asked, “I’ve heard that you have said, ‘The Way is not
acquired by practice, just don’t become degenerate.’ What is not
being degenerate?”
The master said, “Closely examining inside and outside.”
The monk said, “Then do you yourself closely examine or not?”
The master said, “I closely examine.”
The monk said, “What fault do you have that you yourself
closely examine?”
The master said, “What is it’ that you have?”


A monk asked, “I wonder if a man of true practice can be perceived
by gods and demons or not?”
The master said, “They can perceive him.”
The monk said, “Where is his fault?”
The master said, “Faults are wherever they are looked for.”
The monk said, “In that case, it is not practice.”
The master said, “It is practice."


IZM side tangent.

      
 IF you know how to practice, do it. If you do not, you will fall into cause and effect.  In the Lanka Ch 2-middle, Buddha tells us that when we understand that  the habit energy of the mind are projections of our mind, we can learn to free ourselves from  being drawn into the projections. To eventually, thru practice, attain effortless mastery over their own minds.

The practice perhaps of not falling into cause and effect. Yet, Bodhidharma spoke of shit just happens to us anyway, due to ages of habit energy. The trick would be in learning to not add more or keep carrying the habits of mentality and thought, and to practice not ruminating and rationalizing in egoistic emotionalism,  that are the causes of the  trouble.

 (post note, can also be self managed for the least ill effect or toward a most blessed effect. We are taking about to be free of projections, implies to float as you will along with them methinks, but that is a too much side side-tangent-poof)

As for the question of meditation, it is really moot. And really personal. Every-bodies Zen is a personal practice developed by the individual. 

What counts is the end result, the clear spontaneous realness of the simplicity of the staff drop. All else is debate and commentary, action and prevention and communication. 

 

 But *it* is not that either. ( It means zen and the practice that is zenning)

 

May your Christmas be merry and bright

And may all your minds get with the Enlight.

 

Why Did I run away from home?

 So, I called my best and only sister friend Karen. Haha who  have thunk that a Karen could save my bloody soul?

She was always there to hear me in my worse times.  And also she could give me a reality check; the times of the raising of my yarn ball family. But it kept turning out that no matter how clear I could get, or how carefully I could sleuth a strategy or dig into the core of an issue and build a plan of tackle.... my family never let my solutions be put into play.

My family never wanted to take the time to sit about the table and roll out our minds and work out self understanding or solutions to improve the family life, the mental life, that real living. 

See normal humans don't think their lives are that important and they tend to feel like a powerless leaf floating with the rapids. But....life doesn't really have to be like that.

SO they did nothing to  make life better for each of us, and the situation got and is still so toxic that I had to run away to find my sanity.

And now I have to rewire my entire brain to set it up to go back into the war zone. Sorry I was being selfish about wanting attention. I am trying to avoid learning to fall back into the mentality of 'fuck it no body really cares', except maybe Karen.

Ok .. ok... some of my bad attatude is slipping thru. Little break time.

**areosmith sweet emotion** 

I should not have to depend on my Karen. She has her own life. And it goes well. While I have been living alone I found that I really rather enjoy problems to solve. Granted I don't want high drama or emergancies all the time but when there is some conflict I enjoy sitting with it.  Letting the intellectaul chips cascade and lite where they will, wash and re-pour until the finer particles are separated and the big picture unfolds.

I mean problem solving is process, you have to take out your emotional and ego, try to look at that is happening without your emotional hurt spin, then try to let go of the illusion that is being disappointed by life. Yeah man... so much of what is under our skin in families is that the other will not be how we think is wiser or best for them to be.

Also when I am alone to solve my own life problems, there is only me. Once my mind is fixed upon a solution then I flush the rest away.

But I am going back to a family that butts heads with each other on every turn. A father who has many emotional handicaps. A mother who spazzes before she can calmly make assessments.  And the same damn problem that has been there festering for 26 years or so.

 I know I have not gotten to anything clear yet. I suppose I am too busy with pre-disclaimer and can't figure out how to set up the meat of the story. Well, bear with me. SO many times I think that these "major issues" are so damn remedial. I hate to confess how I went along with some of the set ups my ex put me thru.

Yet any of us seem to make ourselves innocent in our personal motives.  And I don't mind being the wrong one either.

Ok so, as I was saying in my life there is me and my problem. After the process of removing illusion and then of realizing there is no spoon, I can smile and go about my life. Feeling I had understood the hearts of the matter etc. I will make amends if needed, I will give kudos when warranted. Then I have coffee and internet. Sit happy until the next challenge to rally for.

But in "families"  My deal maker does not apply to all concerned.  I can change myself but not others.  And....(dang this story is hard to set up....I am so fucking frustrated and blocked in my writing.)

 OK so I am going to sit back and smoke and coffee when I get back here I might just pop off with the story with no comment till the end. It is just a large bundle in a simple tale of one of these toxic family fights they always have.  But see, I am embarrassed that I raised such inconsiderate selfish humans.  And because they are so self absorbed, I have to rewire my brain about just how bad IS my ex husband. I mean him being narcissistic and all, but things just don't add up to him being an evil bastard. But a frustrated confused angry father who doesn't understand how he raised such inconsiderate humans as well.

 All I can imagine is that someone will have to point out these errors.  I simply won't live where there is no chance at genuine compassion and love. I am sick and tired of there never being any real true connection for me.  Maybe that is why Zen Masters went to the mountain, away from humans. Why they where so snippy and hard to get to talk with.  

((to stave off this depression one needs to pause and smoke and drink coffee for real this time))

*** listens to Cult of Personality by In Living Color***

You know why my life is easier to solve when I am alone? Because I am not lie-ing to myself.  But when I go home I will have to not lie to myself biased on the information of three liars. I mean that when one of them tells me the story of why they are mad at the other, that story is filtered thru that one's selfish interpretation of the situation. Since they will not be self objective about how might their own actions have lead to the situation, they are instead up in their feelings of indignation. And it seems none of them are willing to back down and reassess their error and redirect their actions. They are consumed by distractions and entertainments.  And it is a rare and odd thing...."oh mom, I didn't know you wanted to talk about real life stuff?"  My Son, what else is there to talk about? Minecraft? Sure I love grooving on my minecraft plans and adventures. But real life is real boe. (that is southern for 'dude')

 So, how much of my strange personality should be suppressed just so normies don't feel intimidated or murderous? I think I heard something before about how Zen Masters have disguise.  ...

...

Hey man, I got a lot to think about just now. Might not be able to verbalize it.  How am I going to navigate myself on the family sea?

*** story time***

Son " Dad is mad at me again. Don't be mad at him (implied; don't change your mind about moving back here)"

Turns out that the son takes the dad's car to work, they have a work truck that dad takes to his job, and now that my daughter has moved back into home they have a third car. But typically it is expected that the dad's car should be there at a certain time expected.

The household is experiencing great stress with life and a potential enemy to build a moat against and all manor of nasty things going on right now. And the dad is at his coping wits end, and needed that car to have dinner alone. But son short dicked him around. Blamed a random event of catching up with a high school friend and told me how dad was being unreasonable because there was the other vehicles and there was also food at the house and yadda yaa.

Granted the dad probably had a yelling blow up session that made my son have his fee fees hurt.  And the son wanted to tell the mother that he hopes that dad's abusive blow ups won't make me mad to stay away. I told  son that while i might have been upset about the way your dad carried himself I am not mad at him, not mad at anyone just....

 And I had to explain that they are in great stress and should try to be more considerate to each other. You could have given your dad a heads up when you knew you where about ten minuets into that high school conversation.  Huh, and  later on in time I learned that after my talk on consideration the kid still stayed out. But i digress mildly.

Their dad is a truck driver, currently hauling logs locally. Has just taken a little bit of a pay cut. Our son  is struggling in school and has just gotten his first job ever that he is really interested in. Though not a lucrative occupation, still doors and opportunities to higher order stuff along the lines can be available to him. And I bet he would adjust far better if  our family life was not so back stabbing and hateful.

I would love to go back home with the dream that shoot just a little education and awareness training and whamo  the problems get sized down to normal levels of sickness.

But I imagine that is unrealiliastic, huh?

And the other day a fight between my daughter and dad.  

So, dad texts in their group chat, 'hey we are going to waffle house would you like me to bring you a plate back? ' She waited a bit to reply because she was driving then said hey I am in the town 20 minuets away I can meet you there. But see the timing was all not groovy for that. It was late, they had to hit the store and get back to bed for work early wakey time. So when dad tried to explain that she got snippy about whaaa can't you just wait and I don't want cold waffle house. yadda yaa. And dad was like, you are being entitled and the hell I am gonna wait. Which she read as he is so unreasonable.

Again, so much hate and stress and bad blood over ...well...have you considered the entire situation or just your fee fees?

But yes of course...all of them (and me too i guess) are under a shit ton of stress, depression, fear, bitterness. Mental Cockroaches!

 Is my ex narc unreasonable.... I am beginning to be sucked into his delusion that he is not. Although he lacks access to some kinds of emotion, and has a hard time processing disappointment, and when he is not on anti depression drugs he has struggles with a contriving plotting, ruminating mind and can get turned all upside down in his mental orientation. I mean... he really could benefit from zen study.

These things can be self helped thru awareness and brutal bravery.

They are the emotional development issues that got broken when that part of a person's core identity was broken. Maybe because when they where a little toddler they where frustrated trying to understand something or they thought they had a clear feel good happiness about something they figured out and someone spanked them. (physical or emotional) They falsified their discovery (which is sometimes very necessary). They reacted terribly, and they strapped  their corrections upon the child. What they did not do is observe the situation in the moment that needed handled. They did not see it for what it was or was not in the child's little world and deal with that also.

Common Example;  Everyone is minding their own business, tv time, play time just life happening. Toddler toddles and explores; being mildly observed, scanned for danger prevention but other wise free to play while mom washes the dishes.  Suddenly everyone is brought to present because OOPsy favorite thing is knocked over and broken.

What happens? What do people who have not practiced emotion control or observation do when this happens?  Is Zen study really some lofty never never can't be touched by the common man? 

Now that you have reviewed all the known human reactions to that situation. Now that you have consulted your psychology books, and after you have gone thru your therapy that was the result of what ever the heck your parents did  to you when you where either a raging demon spawn that embarrassed them in public, or when you broke their favorite thing.  What did you over look?

What about the child's moment of impression and learning how to deal with the problems that come from being a human?

Well anyhoo, my ex is unreasonable but not about what he blows up over. His blow ups are out of control because he is so stressed.

For example of his mind works.

SO there is food in the house, fresh supplies for a planned oriental style meal. He told  daughter there is 20 on the counter and there is make food for yourself before work. She took the money and ran. He is disappointed and upset that she chose the easier route. Daughter is stressed because she has piles of laundry of her own to catch up, she has to set up a space to be, do section 8 stuff etc., and has no money and few  to fewer hours at work,.....((interjection post script; Dad also gave her 50 to go to the laundry mat with her ten loads, to keep the electric bill low. 50 is gone, and not one stitch washed)) and she is dead set on having a 6 month break  from working after babyday.  Forgive me, I am so problem solving oriented that I was over looking how a mother feels. I wish I could give her all that luxury. But dreams are dreams aren't they?

I am stressed because i feel like i have to deal with  four people's life errors, to try to spot a light on adjustments they could make thru understanding. But ya know what, at the end of the day doing that is not the occupation of my zen study.  And if you fuckers want to make me sit there and learn the zen study of watching my family kill each other while being stunned at the human stupidity. Well then I guess I have a whole lot of zen practice to prepare for.

 

Ahhh ok let me slip away for a second....** listens to take on me by Ah -ha, and Tightrope by Leon Russel**

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why do I blog?

 Because humans are incapable of sitting and listening to a complete set of thoughts with out derailing or trying to solve them for you.

Because even when I find a think tank of smart people they also fall short of simple conversation.  They can go on and on in the topic of their theme but never allow me to practically explore the mind of a different subject.  The one that always talks seems to act like it is my plot to turn the direction.... no no...just wanted a conversation about real life application of the medicine. 

Our lives are like puppet shows.  Our situations are like baton twirling.

And when I can't get an objective conversation about the things I think about sometimes and when I get pushed off to the dusty corner. and not even told "Hey we don't want to talk about what you are interested in."  To be told  I am liked but no one wants to leave a message or addition to the comments I left behind while waiting. Well.

I can weave quite a few dramas as to why am *I* getting treated like this. And it becomes another case study for me.

to do alone.

as all the fuck ways.  

And so I blog all the thoughts of all my personal problems because humans are not capable of being detached from their egos long enough to listen and draw out the light or to flip the script nicely for you.

They can't.

So one has to learn intellectual independence. But to be in a zen group i guess you need the intellectual independence but they don't even offer their  individual intellectual cross references of conversation. But what hurts the most is letting your guard down thinking you found friends to be yourself with but dang nab it the things you like are off the menu because it is not the uber high clandestine oneness with all mental frame work.

Pardon me.

I happen to live and move among human beings and this Buddha just can't yet figure out how to walk on the water while there is work to do.

or not do.

I don't care anymore now.

Your denial of me has not taught me the lesson of detachment from my ego wanting to think tank a drama scheme.  It has taught me that I am not even worth the curtsy of telling me that up front.

I mean.

For people who want to  blow smoke up my ass that I am intelligent and  the few lines I had to fight to express on the podcast make me a rising star of the thing. WHO the FUCK are you FOOLING. You arent even interested in what or how I have to say.

And why can't you speak objectively about the objective behavior?

Chan Students?

If I am the fluffy biscuit you can't wait to butter, then why the heck aren't you interested in anything I want to host? 

So I host here. And get just as much interest and conversation and clarity. I do so get tired of the "zen topic is important when i am hosting about zen stuff but zen topic is not important or part of the study of real life psychological stuff."

 I think an enlightening being ought to be quite conversant in cause and effect among the minds of men. Conversant directly with their sang-ha  so that they maybe understand better how to be conversant cloak and dagger style in the real world of humans.

But, forgive me I am so emotional right now. I got fifty problems to think tank and my friends aren't interested, so until I get my head screwed back on and empty,  I guess I blog, then go see what they would rather talk about.  Oh the lankavatara sutra.

Which I love, don't get me wrong. Shoot I can look at what the Lanka teaches and feel less attached to my personal life drama easily.

But my point of wanting to topic some psychological study and plot was for educational entertainment, for understanding or a view to compassion or stealth that I had missed or was stopped up by.
Sheesh you know real life stuff that normal humans sit and talk about over coffee. What....don't zen folk gossip and analyses as means to sharpen their fangs?

Well if they do... they never let me do it. I guess I have not figured out their secret code for "don't expose my bullshit I might not be ready to describe it to you" 

Fuck you. 

....

I hate playing the waiting fairy game. Wait for a little promise of loving attention. I hate the grant and withhold game.
And I am  in particular sensitive to how that game feels when I am trying to make friends.  Making friends is hard enough already because my brain does not work like normal human's brains do.

How it hurts to still feel  like you are helplessly stupid.

Anyway after my head clears I got a story about the ball of yarn that is my family that I had wanted some moral support about. But Lanka study groups do not allow that kind of thing. So I shall make adjustments. (gut hurting self suppressing adjustments because I can't trust myself to trust myself to let go around people I am supposed to trust. Sangha)

I can't unravel that until I get independant fomr my fee fees of irrational disappointment

how human this buddha is.

 

here is my evil.... if my zen group are cult leader guru-types I sure would love it if they would objectively speak to me about the methods and meanings because i can sure use it with my yarn ball family.

Good kung fu is brutal isn't it?

 

 later when I have family style kung fu.

I think the direction of this blog will deal with zenning thru those dynamics. While I try to heal from my past in current time.

 

Where's my Ox?

 

Sayings of Joshu #370

A monk asked, "When there is only a shade of difference - how is it then?"

Joshu said, "Coarse."

The monk said, "When one responds to the situation -what is that like?"

Joshu said, "Distortion."

 

        Rinzai said: “Turning to the outside and applying oneself (to it) is a stubborn fool's errand.”

      If you master any situation you are in, wherever you stand, all becomes true; you can no longer be driven around by circumstance. Even if in your former, unregenerate days you had committed the five heinous crimes they turn into the ocean of deliverance.  

     But students nowadays do not know the Dharma. They are like goats, nuzzling and nibbling at everything they come across. They cannot distinguish the servant from the master, nor the guest from the host. They enter religion with a wild heart, shouting noisily.

    One cannot call them true leavers of home; they are just ordinary laymen. A man who has left home should know how to see clearly and calmly, should know Buddha from Mara, the true from the false, the worldly from the sacred. If he has got this knowledge, he can truly be called a leaver-of-home.

    If he does not know Buddha from Mara, then in effect he leaves one home only to enter another, and is what is called a karma producing living being. He cannot yet be called a true leaver-of home. For if Buddha and Mara happen to appear in one form, he could not differentiate them. Yet, as the gander king knows how to drink only the milk from a mixture of milk and water, so does the clear eye (know how to differentiate). 

   Followers of the Way, just beat up both Buddha and Mara. For if you love the sacred and hate the worldly, you go on floating and sinking in the ocean of birth and death.

A monk asked: “What are Buddha and Mara?”

  The master said: A moment of doubt in your heart is Mara. But if you can grasp that the ten thousand things are unborn and that the heart is like an illusive fantasy, then no thing even of the size of a speck of dust exists — everywhere is purity — this is Buddha. It may be said that Buddha and Mara present the pure and the tainted state; yet as I see it there is no Buddha, no living being, no past, no present.

   Those who can realize this, do so at once, without training or testimonial, without gain or loss. There is no other Dharma. Were there a special one, I say it is like a phantom and a dream. This is all that I teach.

   Followers of the Way, the one who at this moment stands alone, clearly and lively right before the eyes and is listening, this one is nowhere obstructed; unhindered he penetrates everywhere and moves freely in the Three Worlds.

   Entering all kinds of situation, he is never affected by them. In the fraction of a moment he goes to the bottom of the scheme of things. Meeting Buddha, he talks with Buddha; meeting patriarchs, he talks with patriarchs; meeting Arhats, he talks with Arhats; meeting hungry ghosts, he talks with hungry ghosts. 

 

......... *author thinks that the key to where she intends to direct this blog is contained  up there. Can't be very sure because she is really all screwed up not knowing just how to approach this topic.  Real life meets Zen.  How does Zen deal with....  and it has otherwise been termed a " Carol Induced Hell" but it was not her design. *.....

 

If I treat my life situation as if it was a Carol Induced Hell to solve then the guiding powers that created this universe won't have to be disappointed that they spent all that effort giving me the ability to write, for nothing. (is the stalling tactic working?)

My brain wants to jump to the interpretation of the quotes in light of the life situation before I even try to describe the situation. I kinda feel like Arlo Guthrie sitting here waiting for it to come around on my mental guitar again so I can play it for you. I mean I got some kick ass things to say about those verses. Like the one about being unaffected by situations. 

For the last four years I have been trying to work on myself. To be alone and work on my stuff. And I feel good about  all that. But the people in my old life are dragging me back in.  There is going to be a grandchild, and my daughter's situation is not positive.

All of a sudden there is a dark cloud over my eyes when I look toward the realism of the future vs all the potential newness of the clean slate possible with a baby. Daughter's future will not be dissimilar from the habits of her past.  And I can't even be sure that my former and current habits will not steal time from that new baby.

I mean... that is, that I do not think I can bear psychologically to just stay sitting here in my little alone life that I love, while she will be going thru so much difficulty. Yet at the same time I cannot really do for her, what she needs to do, and it my be hard for me to be forced to allow her to make mistakes and learn or suffer from them. But not just her suffering but the new child's suffering as well.

I will have to sit back and watch new trauma be created thru the mistakes of my daughter's life. That could be transformed into different or less bad trauma if only she would be smart now. Which young people seldom seem to be capable of doing.

 

((hum, those two paragraphs came out really bottle necked there Jessy, maybe take a smoke and find some tunes while I try to clear it up. 

       She is going to be moving back home to the former toxic life she left so that she can make herself part of the grandchild's life. And this plot was going fairly well;  the mental preparations lining up etc; until she learned that it will not be the ordinary kind of bullshit hell of living with stupid deluded people but EVEN WORSE.

     The baby daddy was caught trying to solicit a minor online for sexy stuff. Chances high that he will do a few years, but then again this is the new liberal order and they think kid diddling is ok so who the hell knows.....now I am getting bottle necked....joins me for that smoke. Oh; trigger warning,  our rusty filter may leak vomit inducing exaggeration- BRB)) 

 

**** Plays Pin Ball Wizard***

  Ya know, Bodhidharma said in the "wake up sermon" on page 73 of the approved Red Pine edition of the Zen teaching of Bodhidharma; "Mortals (that is what he called humans) keep creating karma and mistakenly insist that there is no retribution. But can they deny suffering? Can they deny  that what the present state of their mind sows the next state of mind reaps? How can they escape? But if the present state of mind sows nothing, the next state of mind reaps nothing. Don't misconceive karma."

 So I am sitting here sowing thoughts and deductions of possible events to come. Of pattern behaviors exhibited by narcissists and liars and groomers. Also trying to work out how my child is where she currently is.  While I could just get to all the Zen snappy om nothingness interpretation stuff....for you to taste the rainbow, you will need to get dirty with how it is truly  made up of your self. Good, bad, and ugly. And life ain't pretty is it?

Suppose someday my daughter will have a moment of supreme insight into her pure true nature. Well, if it is already one state, then she is already such.  Now that is a hard one for my mommyhood addled brain to accept.... i mean 'mothers' ami right?

She will come to her own acceptance of vanish poofy woohoo 'i am enlightened ' and it never mattered anywayhoodness. But does that mean it was not real or gut wrenching, or painful for multiple others? Maybe some would say this thinking here is what the zen masters meant to point you away from.   They all just spoke of shutting up the thoughts I am wanting to rumble here before you.

Is it so? If I am studying the nature of having these thoughts, what they are, what they say that can be so distracting to the mind. Maybe people are mired  down in the concerns of the potentials of the future or the ramifications of the present, the injustices  that await for them after they have had their meditation and dharma session.

Bodhidharma was asking, how do you escape?  

.....

Are we bottle necked again?   I don't wanna think about my daughter problem anymore. Oh... that is what we was going to talk about... her... we can't  just do the simple zen whamo *all cured* stuff just yet. It is a process. *oh sigh*.....

** listens to "Love, reign o're me" by the Who**

I mean, I can guess at what the majority of readers in the human race might be thinking. It is a no brainer, right? I would have NOPED the fuck out. But she has not. She has sat there three weeks anon being depressed, confused, and hearing the lamentations of the B-daddy family not knowing their boy was like this. Such a shock. And can they be part of the baby's life still?

I know, i know...a lot of mixed reactions from the crowd. Varying levels visceral consideration. My child wants to hope that somehow her boyfriend can have something to tell her, after the trial, that will make sense of his mistake. Ya know maybe he has a split personality, ya know. She just knows that his whole family is shocked and knows that he loves her.   We have read our reddit stories haven't we? We do understand the concept of dogging a bullet, don't we?

What can I DO for my child! Besides tell her clearly that is how pathology operates darling. He will say anything. If he was being very loving toward you at his age it may be because he was hoping to use a relationship to curve or stop himself. Or fucking bloody hell maybe to grow his own.

She was all "but I thought he was the one"...**bites my tongue off; I despise the deception we put on ourselves to avoid the first pain of a hard truth.** 

She says that the grandfolk, who have not yet bailed out their own poor baby boy at 5000 bond, will help her get on assistance and housing close-by. So they can still love the baby.  ....**face twists...I am not totally heartless but there have GOT to be provisions and supervisions here I mean pedos don't just break themselves! You maybe complicit, you may have not believed him when he told, you may have done it. Maybe you didn't know. Maybe the influences that created it are still blind to you. That is ok but....um...we don't just keep doing things blindly pretending there is no pedo stuff to be concerned about.  And what about the liar, if he has managed to keep secrets so well for a while then the chances are that he is pretty good at convincing his mother that he is all better now, maybe he will find Jesus while in jail and be scared straight or something. ( that is my mommy addled sarcasm not something my daughter said)

She said...."yeah i know" . Implying that she is aware that he will likely try to worm his way into child's life. But she said it in such a way that she also knows she just does not have the balls to prevent it......

What do you do or say when the victim IS to blame past a certain point? And worse they are your own flesh and blood?  What ever mistakes you made....how much have they upon the child's self direction?   I mean when I felt threatened by my ex's parents I took my kid and ran back home. No matter how toxic home is.... I  think for all it's faults it is not like the devil I do not know.  The devil I know never beat on us or diddled kids and  he paid the bills. Other than that you just have to let his bullshit and negativity not get past your filter.  HE AIN'T DIDDLING KIDS!!!!!

I am moving back to that old house with my ex husband for my daughter's sake. For that baby and also for my son.  

Maybe now I can start to think about the Rinzai quote soon. About mastering every situation. About what is mine and not mine. About my practice here away from home, and thoughts on keeping it when I go back to home. Like where is this home?

Do you know what my daughter has against her father, what triggers her father's irrational temper tantrums? Their whole tension ( that is to say current as of her whole life) is that she is very lazy. Very lay about, no ambition, no self power.  He wants to try to help get her set up to live, he wants to make sure she has a car and can get by. He is a complicated kind of asshole. See for all his wanting to be her safety net, cheerleader, and manager, he had crippled her.  And I can't tell if it is his evil intention to have people like that to him or an trying  to protect and do the best but it just is not working kind of situation. 

I know my motherhood fault was over protection from negative consequence. But damn I thought I taught her enough other things that the negativity would not get this fucking karmatic. I mean she doesn't do drugs, not an alcoholic will to the bare minimum  but never the dishes.

I am lazy too. I mean I got all my pans in the sink and will be stubborn and not eat till I feel like cleaning.  Bad trouble with self motivated self care. ....

.....

But what can I do?  How does a Master of the situation they are in deal with....well what is there to deal with in this tiny moment?

Everything else is hypothetical and statistical and emotional.  All I can do today besides be available for the daughter, is save money just in case what ever.  The hard thing for me is  how it is to watch.  As Bodhidharma mentioned, each moment's mind leads to the next.  If it was you or me we would have "noped" out as soon as the initial shock wore off. Because we have got a whole bunch of human hormones of mommyhoodness screaming at us to protect the child no matter what.

During my daughter's second set of formative years I was not the main influence upon her, but my ex was staying with his best friends. Who where exploiting him and putting me down and even made it their purpose to destroy our marriage. They also scapegoated my children. They also where a text book abusive relationship. Daughter learned to not speak up, because that is how best friend's wife handled difficult situations. Only my daughter did not pick up the good southern house cleaning wife syndrome. She kept my lazy g.r.i.t.s. rebellion. Not to mention that her father doesn't have a back bone to fight for a good principle.  Instead of punching his friend out for starting to ever put his wife down like in the good ole days, my ex decided to agree with the fault finding. It was a fine poison that burned over seven years, then then damage to our children really started.

Isn't it funny how we are each completely responsible for our lives? Each proper choice we failed to make.  Each gut reaction we over rode because of fear or good reasonable excuses compound and complicate. And if we misconstrue karma, that is to keep adding to the next moment of mind the script of the previous moment of mind. Or if we find a moment of mind with no reaping, we would reach back to the previous moment of mind where there was sowing. Just so we don't get bored.

But still how does all that help the human that is sitting here in the result of their own victumhoodness?  How does someone who is my daughter just be the master in her situation?

Remember earlier I mentioned the thought that if she ever does then she would find her path was laid out clearly and her mind/nature was always pure. Even now it will act in such a way that will eventually resolve itself.    I mean either life will punish her with loss, or she will find something larger than herself to fight for, or she could....well I have no unearthly idea now do I?

Her choice and it's results are not mine. And if that result puts that child near or far from me I can only deal then. This is pretty hard. I bet a bunch of people would be saying they would fight via law for the grand child...go against the daughter and ...all kinds of forceful mean and nasty things.

Yeah, oh sigh, this is similar to my error of wanting to protect her from pain. Could never tell which hell was best for all concerned.

I am not much more worthy as a parent to become the sole caretaker for that baby. But I have great faith that I am capable of assisting as a family to heal up and make corrections and grow and love this child as we go.  Maybe I can talk up the family dream to my daughter.

Would a little realistic dream be a better path of persuasion that to wait for the master liar and his family to eat her weakness?  Could I now, since I have done much work, help my kids learn to make boundaries?

Hum.  I have to entirely let go of my fears when I speak to my daughter. I think it is a good thing to sow that I should talk about the family plans of doing family stuff. Of coming together thru thick and thin as we do and have done. To speak of seeing the child as important.  That we all want to provide a secure environment. And that can't be done with baby daddy family ....oh...wait...trying to deflect from pedo stuff.  

Goal is to build up that fierce mommyhoodness adrenaline. And self esteem.

Well crap this blog is taking too long...no way I can post this to my main hang out.

Why is life so much easier for other people? They seldom think their minds thru so intrinsically.  I really screwed up man....fucking zen.

SO what have we come to?   **locomotive breath and a bit more mindless smoke before I wrap this shit show up**

....

Pre-post script; stepping away from my keyboard and publishing early.  Somewhere in this brain of mine are  the finishing thoughts but they are not ready to pop out. Gonna reflect on the big picture, and get back at some point.  (( it is difficult to scroll up to the quotes to fashion my next words so that is why pre publish for easy scrolling review))

List of my mental errors as they pop randomly into my head.....GO!

I think that I have to take on the negative heaviness of the world view of my ex as the "reality" I am heading to. The dismal feeling of they are failures, the resentment.

       1) is this thought his or part of my personality, feeling that I am a failure? Duh. I have also used such words against my daughter. "do you want  to be a, stop being a" So how much of this so called ex's emotional presence is being projected onto you?

.... that is a trick question.   

      2) it is myself that does not accept my children as they are. Particularly my daughter. So when I hear my ex say that he accepts his daughter the way she is, what I really hear is my anger that "he" sees my daughter as ...er ma gr.....fuck you Rinzai!

..... you are welcome.

 

Therefore the key to keeping myself as master in the situation is noticing that I am projecting the interpretation of the situation. Holding on to the emotional rumination of it. Which is also a mistake parents make. What I want to do for this child, is notice them, see them thru in a loving way.  I want to do this for my daughter but not to tell her what to do , or judge her for what she chooses.

But I am also making the mistake of over concern for the child later on when it is my own child that needs the loving encouragement. This is a kind of deflection from dealing with my daughter. As I am holding that resentment.  holy crap.... I am a shit heel.

It is error to think that anything can get a chance at being better in some unborn future, as if we can skip over the mother as a lost cause and hope to buffer for the child.

Eeek...crap that was some shit thinking there, wasn't it? But I think I was going that route.  To " be there for the child" yet also hold the notion that I have to "sit back and watch daughter make mistakes." I suppose I was really whining that I did not know the motivational words to give her strength. But ....feeling loved and wanted and supported are how strength is grown.

I have for a long while been focused on feeling unloved and how bad it feels.  And I am overlooking how this is a teaching, bonding, healing, foundational moment for my daughter and her child.  And that is how I seek to curb my speech. But sure yeah is too wrong for me to be emotional about "you need to nope yourself outta there, find your own government house or roommate with dad or maybe me  brother and you can all figure it out."

 ** thoughts drifting into fantasy and hope and I feel better. I will work on not taking on and trying to battle old worldview energies. That will be helpful toward keeping my ox in my own pasture.***

I'll be back if I think of another error.

 

 

 Update later the day of this writing. She has seen the black and white paper that showed her what they got on her baby daddy... it was enough for her to move back home.  Though all the heartaches are not solved, they happily await us a bridges to build and cross as they arise. But without one major X factor  new karma shit. 
Perhaps she can fall in love with the Child, it is ok to know they are "the One" now.

((psst but it still isn't pretty butterflies and rainbows all the time))

All the prayers of all who can relate to the troubles of life are appreciated.