insanezendo

Keshathria part 1, Chapter Twenty-Two

2012-02-01T12:46:00.000-05:00

                 *** Diana, the night of the party***

                 I am waring a blue and white chefs coat that corresponds with, George's Concierge uniform and Jerry's Waiter uniform. My heart races... I think of the roast, was it going to be just right, how long should formal introductions take? My mind reeled and my feet itched

Mistress Carol glided down the stairs in a flowing dark turquoise gown with delicate mauve accents, and the cars started to arrive, as she inspects we standing posted by the foyer rug. She has a twinkle about her, and genuinely told me everything was going to be simply wonderful. Then she addressed the boys.

" Boys, I am making things just a little different tonight. I don't want this to be a strict affair and you will be included to join conversation and the game." The words caused that spark to carry over and alight in Georges eye. Mistress smiled, and continued. "Well it wouldn't be a dinner party with out one, now would it? But I insist that you keep yourselves on your tasks without fail."

"Oh comfortable but not cozy- got ya Reformer." George stated.

"Oh " Jerry snorted " shows of submission" smirking at George, who winked back. " No no Jerry they are acts of reinforcement of liberty. Get your psychotic mumbo jumbo straight."

"Interesting." Mistress snorted to herself, "ok... It's time....."

                  **** And she kills them all and eats them for dinner***

Keshathria part 1, Chapter Twenty-one

2012-02-01T00:16:00.000-05:00

                     *** Jerry***

                     By Saturday I was still angry, not the best day of the week to be pissed off at life. During  breakfast she told us that there was an annual convention coming up at the school. We where tasked with planning and organising 5 guest arrangements.   A 24 hour menu and waiting service.

                   "How can I do all this and be in the open ceremonials Mistress? It is too much." protested Diana.

                  " You only have to take care of the cooking, Jerry will take over the waiting and George will focus on the guest needs. You may help them in the meantime setting up and cleaning. Your practice doesn't take all day."

               " It's just so much pressure.... I am so tired after the practices, and on top of that still research and figure out the dinner service.... it will be so exhausting."

               " I believe in your abilities Diana." MsCarol comforted.

               George started studying the room. "How many guests?" MsCarol replied five. And George looked at me " We cant have anyone bunk up in that freaky pink room, how about we take it and that's three rooms open."

              "I mean seriously " Hello Sir, you will be staying in the pink furry boudoir, here's your bunny slippers." I joke, we laugh.

              " I guess we can have someone make up the Den with cots." Diana offered.

               And we had a homey project kind of Saturday. I smoked creatively for a change, after weeks of forced denial and , well... being late did have cirten painful consequences when I repeated it again and then very much again on purpose. I just could not bring myself to get with the program here anymore. Started feeling the old me resurface, angry.

           I was glad for the work given and also that she stayed out of my head for a while. But I just didn't see any purpose in her withholding my stuff or resorting to devious tests. I started to consume less, even when with Steven I became less interested.

           But no matter what kind of time I had while I was out, coming home meant taking a look at what I was missing.

         Even George changed over the last couple weeks, he's quiet and withdrawn. If he has anything to say it is usually blurted out to the tv....

         There is a particular show called "fatal mistake" It is like a morbid reality show. it is footage of an accident and interviews with family that lay out the activities of the deceased's evening. then the whole forensic bit and they have a vote off about which action lead to her ultimate death. Out of a choice of three, of course.

         George always guesses them in the first ten min and has arguments with the announcers when they missed it. Diana offtian guesses... but when she catches on she set her knitting aside and trys to predict how her suspicion's are linked, and by the show's end you'll find her jump up and shout.

         MsCarol says the oddest guesses. She doesn't like any of the scenarios and proposes her own. Something like, she wore her hair down. We tend to ignore those moments.

         Today, George started in arguing with Diana that if a certin law would have been followed the Deceased would have lived. Diana bolstered back,' that isn't one of the options' IF the bus would have stopped three inches below the line or ten no matter, her death would not have happened if she chose to go with her friends, in stead of walk home.


        Anyway it was a good Saturday, because Carol told George to shut up and take a walk. And he left, and she gave him a sort of writing project when he came back. He didn't share with me.
I found I didn't care much what she was doing with him.

        So if she's all into this addiction management lesson with me then what is it?   What is 'addiction is my slavery?' and 'I can enjoy him at my liberty, not his? ' She said something else like that but what ever. It boils down to "have my cake and eat it too."

       The cake is to be enjoyed, the cake is replenishable. Greed deviously eats it all up before it can.
       Whatever, if she had it, my only claim to freedom from her control is to simply not need it from her. Done.

            *** Diana***

         This is going to be wonderful, five guests, over night....dinner, and breakfast.

         I have ceremonies at 6 am, until noon.....on the party day. I just don't see how this is going to happen, I ponder while cleaning my room. Staring over to the empty bed I miss Selina, and worry.
Damn my fatal mistake, I smirk. I never thought I'd let you down so much. I bet you are scared....
I wish I could be with you. And I begin to cry.... gawd........ remember the time you dumped the spaghetti bowl on your head and saluted dad when he came home..... but...

             Naw, you where too young to remember.... Well never mind, I'll tell you about it when....
when I see ya... I am hoping I can find a way out, maybe parole or something at the school, or even early military service. I have been really thinking about that one. Then we will have a family party....

            Games and home cooking, and Dad's boring old army stories.....Remember when mom grounded the entire family from television that time because you and I  only did our chores on commercials. and couldn't miss our program? That used to piss her off, she'd be like....."enough... go outside , we need a grounding." Anyway.

and I blow a kiss to the empty pillow, and my lights go out.

and the nights mirged with promises as my kitchen became a well oiled machine, and Jerry got his steps all right.....

              Jerry orderd the table to be set with Madam at the head and a male guest and then a female guest alternately. And He had insisted that there be a change of the silverware service with the desert plates. He was alittle too much to bear.... the patterns had to match or something... he said it is the little detials that count as he pressed the drapes. And George became errand boy, and Madam did give a hand here and there.

             So I set the table, and set up the other set on the counter by the kitchen door. I planned a Chilled pickled herring with salad, and then a savory meat pie as appitizer, and then a Sourbraten with potatoes as the main course and then finially a dark chocolate and ghram pudding pie.

one of my families recipies.

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Twenty

2012-01-29T02:27:00.004-05:00

                ***Jerry ***

                I closed my bedroom door with the most silent of rages. ' face it, there is no good sense in slamming my door. No that would have been to "easy".

It's her fault anyway. All this airy fairy tiptoe bullshit. ... She's the one who started ....

             'What?'   I breathed, loudly fuzzing with my covers. All that 'if i need help with addiction management.' Nooo I don't need fucking help. I had it covered.   Now I cant even do what I got to do to get it...Just fucking prole me and let it go. No you go stirring up old beas...old... beasts.'   My thoughts darted still.

              ' Ok ok we KNOW this kind of conversation... Aint fucking happening.'

              I laughed, and started my breathing meditation. And slept, still angry but slept.

          *** George****

           That fargin sly Devil. I muse to myself as I get ready for bed, snorting, ' your friend makes you a liar'

         Fucking...*stubbing my toe as I bound for the covers.* backhanded Bitch."

         I randomly chose ' Theory and Practice vol 1' flipping randomly, being drawn to stare out the black bedroom window. 'I made my friend lie.'.....Catching my breath I laugh but there is always free will, dude. And I am not this situation. Even if Jerry has issues saying no.

        Not my fault..... my protests as dull and dim as the shadows on the ceiling. If I accept that I am the reason Jerry is in reformation, how could he ever forgive me?.... I am not who Carol is talking about. I am not....

        And I read earnestly. "A Reformer must often judge themselves before they can administer wisdom to their prisoner. As it is common for both parties to experience similar character struggles. A reformer must requse themselves of further charge of their prisoner once objective judgment is seduced by ego. Thus an honest consciousness is necessary in choosing student reformers."

And I drift to sleep on a gilded note.

          **** Carol****

         ' I loved him, my professor. I love him still, but my foolishness has separated us.' Tears flow now and the darkness becomes as velvet capes over my shoulders and I hear him, my friend Peter.

       ' i love you as i will love no other.' And in bittersweet repose I lay dreaming.

       *** the author**

        Please stay truned, next up , We observe a short story of Ms Carol Anne Wies, age unknown on tonight's "life and times of the snail".....

                " Carol had no issues completing her high school requirements, and she was eligible to graduate in three months. Socially she began to gravitate toward the reformer-trainees, and on the sly had begun to study from their books, so that she might expedite completing her requirements when she come of legal age."

" For general information, the reformer is skilled in martial arts, general nursing and anatomy, child psychology, general to abnormal psychology, "weapons" proficiency, Civil Law, leadership, as well as logic, critical thought and argumentation. (i.e Teaching). "

" One evening she had sneaked out to work on an idea she had been inspired to during anatomy. Mike Twum happened upon her during his security rounds in the gym practicing bull whip proficiency on a test dummy. Twum did not stop her right away because he was stunned to see her method. She had the dummy laying on it's back with a tissue paper laying over the stomach, and was flicking the paper off with her whip. Then alternately trying to cut the paper without harming the surface of the dummy."

"Carol was pleased with her results, when Twum stammers to ask her what she is doing. She replied that she was creating position five. Twum protested the danger of it and she claimed having done intense study and was working out the margins of error. Twum protested the fact that not every whip wielder (cops also carry bullwhips to capture and or subdue) would be able to use that skillfully. Carol smiled coyly as if in between breaths saying ' well then they should not be marksmen, and don't worry Twum, i will have it tested on myself before i ever use it.' And Twum developed his fear of the person of Carol, and had to be prompted by her to take her in custody for trespassing."

" Peter was incredulous about her idea, and stated that he could not foresee himself ever having to punish that extremely after Carol presented her research in explanation of her trespassing. He added he could not think of anything that would ever merit position five, that Carol could do to have him test it on her. Peter did not feel the need to warn Carol that if she manufactured any incidences for the purpose of goading him the result would be immediate dismissal of his apprenticeship. And restated that he couldn't see any honest fault that would merit such deep measures of pain."

" By and by Tweed, Twum, and a great number of others left the school and lived their lives.When Carol was 18 she took the Trainee course and at 20 she was a licenced reformer. When she was 22 Peter asked her if she might consider Partnership in his School as Vice Principle. She agreed, deciding to put off in home refrom cases until she had experience with Peter as Mentor."

" It was during this time period that they started to understand they where falling in love. But it was not your typical love affair. Both of them where extremely professional and never let on about their emotional desires. Carol was confused about whether he felt the same as she. Once she tried to make a pass in his office, and she was punished. So she kept herself about her job in the school and admired him from aside. "

" There came a time when Peter was called away to a conference and he put Carol in charge.Things went smoothly until about a week before Peter was due back. four reformees managed an escape. And during their pursuit one was injured. Carol was forced to call authorities for assistance, and with all the psychic disturbance Peter was calling before she finished with her report to the police. He grilled her for the details and it came to be that a simple oversight on Carol's fault allowed the security breech, and his school will suffer chaos. "

" Peter was back on the next flight to deal with the Five of them, she received Five deep lashes across her stomach. "

"When Carol was 25ish she come to realise she was madly in love with Peter, and he would never let on. In her emotional naivety she succumb to her best friend's playful suggest to try a spell to see if peter is her real true love. Lanel was practicing magic with a coven at the time and was in priestess training. She suggested Carol ask her teacher Jane about it. "

" Jane is a diabolical sort, Lanel did not know yet how dangerous Jane was. Jane sold Carol a spell. Jane saw in Carol a wealth of great natural power and she wanted to harness and trap it for herself. Carol bought the spell thinking the result would be knowledge of who was her love and how should she gain him, but what she bought was an entrapment spell."

" While she was at her little trailer house (she no longer lived at the school ) Peter had been in his school office thinking of her. Becoming tormented with concern and realising his love for her and in an uncustomary panic he sped out to her trailer in time to catch the spoken language of her spell."

" He recognised the language partially from his education and partly from his mental telepathy giving him the link to information about the intent behind the spell disguised as a wish. At the part where Carol was to speak her wish, Peter rushed in and took hold of her wrists and staring intently into her eyes speaking...' I love you Carol and I will protect you forever.' "

"Then a fury of magic and warping of reality and Peter's soul and mind and body are divided. His soul goes into a snow globe ornament of the ornate house that Peter's body is transformed into, and his mind is completely merged with Carol's. All his psychic Ability passes to Carol, yet he remains his own person within the house."

"Technically with his body *gone* he is not a citizen anymore as if death. And Carol inherits the school and his wealth. And manages both School and Home Reform with expert care. There are a few amusing tales to be added into the storyline of Carol adjusting to her new skills. Such as having something to say to people who thought rudely about her when passing on the street."

" But that is basically the story of how Carol came to be where she is in life by the time Diana meets her."

--- As told by someone who wishes to be called * the coffee man*

We Hope this was enjoyable, untill next time, please remember you never know when you might end up on... " the lives and times of the snail. "

****fade to black***

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Nineteen

2012-01-26T20:46:00.005-05:00

              ***Carol ***

              A time for recoking has come upon Our Jerry. I project toward the heart of my bedroom ceiling. It began this evening as we were watching television.  Jerry sat pensive over my new instructions that he must now ask permission to be high, and follow my meditative instructions during. And that he my not obtain it by money or credit.
            He mused a while over stealing, building elaborate lies, he settled upon scouring his car for viable seeds, and was contented a while.

            During commercial he posited, " Mistress, i don't get it, why is it OK to smoke but not to buy it?"
            " Do you notice how you haven't been asking so many questions lately?" I poked as he charged ahead becoming irate. "Mistress that isn't an answer." It is, I protested as the television went to pause.

I continued ' Consciousness is your liberty, but do not let your consciousness become enslaved. Your addiction, Jerry is your slavery. You may enjoy the higher states of mind but you will not allow impulse and seduction to dictate and cloud your thinking. This is the means of reformation of addiction, and while you are high i will show you self-discipline."

He pondered a moment. " So you dangle the blessing of knowledge when i am stoned, yet penalise me for yielding to seduction? That hardly seems fair. "

"What is fair? You must be able to deny the little beasty before you can truly have liberation. yet enjoy him just the same. Even he is at your liberty. "

           ****George****

            Over the next few weeks I watched Jerry become a busy man. He was fortunate that there where not only good seeds in his car, but also a small stash. And the only way I knew he was high was because he was doing some ultra mindful cleaning or rebuilding or an annoying simple breathing exercises. Reformer has had me join him many times, I suspect merely to add to her amusement.
          Recently, Diana Jerry and I where sitting about the kitchen table playing cards and talking about our recent adventures. We had gone to the school, while Jerry had been denied permission to be stoned, and given a chore-slash-meditation to follow anyway. And Reformer was purportedly up in her room reading. It was a rainy spring night.

         "That's nothing," Diana's card clicked onto the discard pile. " I've been doing claenstetics and marching drills all day today.... I would rather have your books George."
I grinned at her adolescently amused by her whining. "Oh and I was specifically told not to discuss anything with you. So ha ha, do you have a four of diamonds?"
         " Eat Sh-shovels full. " She grunted. " But still these books.." I continued " Not a one of them is less than 2 pounds of formal Language. Reform law codes, History and theory of practice, The Criminal Justice system. Oh groovy I now understand that there was at lease four commites of bastards I have to kill for putting my ass in Ms Carol's dungeon. And yet I admire the checks and balances of the system."
         Jerry's nose twitched as he laid another pair of cards in row. " I got a call around 10 from my friend Steven. He asked me for a ride." Jerry's knees bounced, as his eyes darted toward the clock, again. Diana huffed , " Oh it is time for the 6 o'clock feeding?" Drawing fire from his breath.
I half expected that a fine moment for interruption but he asked for a 3 of spades and told her to mind her own business.
      "Other than that Jerry what was your to do? Seems me and Diana are doing some kind of exhausting exercises, whats your gig?"   He slumped and became less interested in his hand.
"Just the routine polish and wax furniture crap. Only I am supposed to focus on the air going into my nose, to keep my attention on breathing so i can report what ever details she asks me about later."
       " Details? " I incredulously poked." What, that the polish smelt like lemon, and oh about noon you had a piece of snot block your air passage? That kind of thing? " He shrugged and passed over the 4 of hearts with a displeased grunt when Diana asked for it.
         After a few more turns I suggested we discern some theme to these lessons, maybe by Saturday we can figure out the message of the week, as Reformer is fond of orchestrating.
         "Well near as I can figure I am learning the value of group discipline." Diana offers. " Just before we where excused I was starting to get the hang of the facing and marching movements and we really looked good, I think. Made me think about my father, I can see how he could love all that regimen and stuff." "Aha, " Chimed I " the value of group think. All the little ants go marching two by two hoorah hoorah. Marching over the cliff hoorah hoorah, they all go marching to by two till they all tumble over into the blue; Horr-ahhhhhh."

"No George, the purpose of the structure is so that there is no confusion when the instruction changes." She defended. " So you are crossing over ...."I interjected. tauntingly. "No more than you are George, you cant tell me you are not fascinated with the books."

"I am, but the reason is different. I like the law books because it is like knowing all the orders in advance. Like i know all about how left face and port arms gets you ready for the next task. I know the next task too. " She listen to me while laying down a new pair of cards. I tried explaining but the truth was I had only flipped through the law book, looking for violations of my previous reformers and naturally for loop holes. Old habits die hard I suppose. She interjected " But I think you could know all that and still not know what to do inside the group. I mean I have seen parades before, I have watched the Color guard preform, and knew their routines, but it is a different world when your one of the marchers." She bade me fish for the card I requested as I brilliantly observed how at least by knowing the "rules" I would be the one who knows when we are being marched off a cliff. And she bantered " And you are also likely to be the first one to incite a panic in the ranks while going over sharp rocks."

That shut me up. We continued on a few turns and individually meandered our separate ways until 9 pm for "the lives and times of the snail" on the TV.

                      **** Jerry****

        I had to leave by 6 to pick up my friend Steven. His car had broken down and he needed help. This was a wonderful situation for me, as it was an easy way to obtain without paying. Steven put gas in my car i got him to work sometimes and he'd give me alittle here and there. But i had to surrender it when i came home.

       This was particularly difficult. I don't like being stoned HER way. Increasingly i feel tempted to hide a pinch or more or, hurry and smoke up and "act normal" so i could just enjoy the tv, have fun with the guys, or even just read a book. Her way is always work, or else it is not being allowed to do anything but sit. I sometimes find myself snap 'wake" during the exercise and proclaim how i wish i was sober so that i can do my own thing for a while. To which notion a tingle creeps up my spine and hope she doesn't go there during conversation.

         Conversation Ms Carol's style. Once she told me that conversation is like a chess game. And most people play checkers. Checkers is like playing with pawns only. But a good conversation uses all pieces, but never lets you see them move.   What ever that means. Anyway... She asks me things like..."what was your exact thought when you opened the peanut butter."

         And we literally discuss the feelings, memories. Tonight iIwas not in the mood for a brain picking and tried to creep through the living room door frame at nine-thirty. Carol silently halted me with a gesture, no one was distracted from the show and didn't address me until the commercial.

"Car troubles, perhaps?" Carol replied casually toward the door frame.
"No Mistress, Steven had to stop by the gas station."
" Your friend does understand, Jerry that there are cirten strict behaviours that are required of you as a reformee. That he ought not detain you. I am sure you have explained to him your time restrictions. Have you not?"
        I felt my palms quiver and smelt lunches pepperoni ghost invade my stressed exhale. I dryly answered " yes Mistress I have told him." Hummm she cooed and invited me in, I greeted the others and tried to relax.

****Diana****

        Watching Jerry enter late kinda excited me. I felt tense, thinking about what he was in for. Like why? I mean he's late... he's obviously stoned...and......what about that question? I muse it over and again. Did you tell him your rule, yes,' then why are you breaking them? ' i retort to my self while knitting. Thinking more about what else....ummm

          But then I glanced over toward Jerry and felt ashamed of myself. And over to George, who had to sit off to the side of the room to read instead of with us. Tonight's show would have fascinated him to no end. It was about a paranoid schizophrenic who invented a scientific method for what he called "corrective vision" therapy.

There was a violation of the cease-fire on the Fritzeche Republic boarder and Keshathria took many casualties. I passionately glanced at Mistress, and back to my knitting.

He would have liked to see me marching today. Tomorrow we are learning the flag raising and lowering detail. I am looking forward to my time in service.

" Jerry would you tell me about your thoughts while you where in the car, before trying to sneak in."
"I'd rather not Mistress." She smiled permission softly and answered, " Are you lieing or being defiant?"

"I hope not either Mistress, I am late because he needed to get to the store, I thought it would be understandable. I am sorry that it isn't. "
"Your story has changed, Jerry. i am minded to ask you if Obtaining marijuana was part of this delay."

          There was silence between them, and his knee started bouncing, and he took slow breaths to calmly respond. "It was on the way from the store, we stopped at the gas station for.. for a rolling paper. it was on the way and i... told him i didn't have any kind of extra time i shouldn't have stopped for that for sure. But...it wasn't to obtain the stuff."

"Technicalities Jerry? " Misstress giggled sarcastically and cutely grasped her hands. "There are just so many things I can chose to deal with here, I don't know quite where to begin. " Drawing a related snort form the far corner. " George, Is he lieing or being defiant?" she asked and heard the answer both. And overlooked me and continued speaking.

"Jerry it is too easy to punish you for being late. You are in defiance of my rules, and you have to correct yourself before your friend makes you into a liar. Dismissed.

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Eighteen

2011-03-01T14:36:00.005-05:00

*** Carol***

I called Jerry down after his time was over to have his apology. I read over his proclamations of shame, and what nearly smacked of vows and determinations about the strength of his resolve. But I saw no mention of any root cause of the sudden change in social graces that eventually lead him to his confessions. And no mention of experiences or actions that might have lead him to think his accusations where intelligent. In fact no mention at all of the accusations and why they where incorrect. He failed to meet the objective entirely.
*softly carol... my thoughts warmed over.*
" I accept your sincerity. But I do not accept this apology. You are withholding information and if there is one thing I handle with even less grace than rudeness, it is dishonesty; Basement."

Jerry wobbled and nearly fainted scared out of his mind, but he shouldn't be. He should know exactly what I want from him, and he will tell me.

Upon hearing my order for Jerry's presence George clicked off the tv and scooted closer to Diana who was pretending not to be concerned about Jerry. George was likewise pretending, by pretending that he was casually interested in her newist project. She pretended flattery. And I tried very heard to keep focus on my work, and not giggle at the spawn of puppy love.

But the time I joined Jerry all that changed.

*** Jerry***

She walked past me as I started to look back she stopped the very air by dragging her desk chair around so that she could sit behind me.

She left the silence to hang over me until it was maddening. Then I heard movement, small rustlings and clicks, and then I smelt.

My gut tensed and my shoulders slumped and even more timed passed.

" This is about pot? Mistress?" I wondered.

"Join me" she replied. And re-arranged the desk and chairs. And actually shared the joint with me. But we didn't talk, I simmered until my mind was still.

"I've been sneaky and secretive about my smoking Mistress. I assume you think it has something to do with my disrespect, please help me."

"I do wonder if what you think is the thing needing questioned. Where have you been this last few weeks?"

"Working on my car, thinking things thru.. " caught myself minimising." and um not letting anyone know that I was smoking."

"Why not?"

"I was ashamed. I also didn't want the stigma of everything I wanted to talk about being labeled oh 'it's just Jerry being high.'

"Hold up. Why do you think you would be judged like that here? Didn't I offer you the option to smoke, I had my reasons when I did so. You did not disrespect me because of being high but by presuming to have considered all the facts. But because you where avoiding being found out many things began to go amiss Jerry didn't they?

" But I have another concern to take up with you. How are you paying for your addiction?"

I felt my guts churn intensely now and my skin shrank as her question cut to the quick. "I thought I was going to have a job in a couple months and w-was o-on credit with him." She let shards of time linger on the single word. "Really." and I broke down again.

"A great man once said Self- command can be achieved when obedience to reason becomes habitual. Ritual 3 discipline is not reformation. Jerry when you are ready apologise again."

She dismissed me, still quivering yet my mind calm I paused at the front door and entered the living room again, addressing everyone.

"I want to apologise to all of you for my display. My fault began when I was not forthright about accepting liberty with marijuana that Mistress offered me. i became a liar and a sneak and because of my crutch and withdrawal from company I allowed myself to become obsessed with emotional reasoning. And dishonored myself , disrespected and was rude to the rest of you."

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Seventeen

2011-02-28T23:38:00.004-05:00

***Jerry***

Four hours had past, my breakfast plate sat cold on my night stand. Funny no one woke me about lunch. I gingerly limped to my door, and heard nothing but the faint sound of a sander in the garage. The need for a cigarette was driving me to get myself dressed for the day.
I stole a glance at my crusted streaks, 30 lashes.
30.... 30?

I didn't even know how to begin to imagine the gravity of my mistakes.
" At least they didn't need stitching." I minimised, gliding my shirt on as painlessly as possible. Flashbacks ....

'i cant believe that you'd twist his triumph into torment. How could you destroy ..."
I said something like that I think... but what for? I didn't even know what happened? I was just so angry at the thought of him being called out. I thought she went psycho. I thought....

As I set my foot tenderly on the second step attempting to go down, came a word to my senses. "No" There was a nervous trimmer, an incredulous giggle, and an other attempt. "No"
"Bullshit." I snort to the ceiling. " I am loosing my mind. It's guilt talking." And a third attempt. "So help me Jerry, I am warning you. Do not make me call home."
I tripped stepping back, lost my balance and landed on my ass, sending shock waves of pain and grimacing up my back, haste was made to my banishment.

"oh gawd ... oh my farkin gawd" I paced pulling at my hair ....

she is my reformer too...

*** Diana***

I was so happy George was back. He asked me if I wanted to help him work on his car. Basically I kept him in cold drinks, fitting tools, and spend my time thinking about my future.

The war was entering a round of peace talks, border disputes. I wondered where my father's unit was. Once I tried to convince Mistress that I ought to be given an exception to the rule of no familial contact during reformation. But she asked me if I thought I was the only prisoner to ever irrevocably lose opportunity due to their mistakes. What made my case special?

That was like a stab in the heart. Since then I have been wondering if there was a way to find and get away with contacting my sister. And the only one who might have a clue how is pulling dents on the side of the car. I smiled at him flirtatiously all afternoon. We made banter about the reform school and reforming. And we shared humor... if you did that then I'd do this to you and there was laughing and instead of just being drink barrier I actually got to work on the car.

By evening he was applying the finial coat of shine and we wrapped up. Mistress had been home for hours but told us she'd take care of supper we should get the job finished.

**** Jerry****

An agonizing four more hours passed which I spend filling my waste basket with crumpled death warrants. I quivered when the front door closed my heart whooshed in my ears.

Nothing happened. I began to relax, and stare at a blank sheet of paper.

If I had a joint I'd be able to write this thing. If I had a cigarette I'd be able to calm down hell if I had some food I might be able to get this stupi ... no....

Damn it... I slammed my fist down on the table and got a splinter for it. And meandered myself to the bathroom for the first aid kit.

***George***

My friend looked rough indeed. Reformer made a casserole and I brought it too him. I asked her for a little mercy for my sake and could I bring him a cigarette and eat dinner with him and she allowed.
" I don't know what I am going to say." He whines relieved for mother nicotine. I press my lips together because I didn't have an answer either.
" Jerry, maybe it is simple. Like ' mistress i screwed up i am sorry.' You do tend to make everything a major event Jerry."
"I feel so hurt that I challenged her. I completely questioned her authority in front of Diana. I respect her and I lost my mind at her how did I do that?" He begged.

"Maybe... it was, complacency."

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Sixteen

2011-02-27T17:03:00.008-05:00

****Jerry ****

"Well Dang Nab It Jerry, you went and Fucked with a whip carrier didn't you?"

Was an unusual way to be awaken, I jerked and twisted, four scabs split open and there was groaning. George apologized rushing to help me attempt comfort again. My gut hardened and I didn't know if I was angry or happy or if I was an absolute idiot to be sitting here cut up and George was let off his punishment instead. Eons of silent reaction passed between us despite liberties.

" I know what your thinking Jerry, and it was not for nothing, believe me I got punished. In fact I think I also got me in for another four years."
" What... but, are you in real trouble?"
"Not yet." He was gleefully snotty, I relaxed but was even more intrigued. "Then what ?" I demanded. His face went red, his knee to bouncing and he took every moment to get his words out. " Well um..."
"It's like this you see ... well ... Jerry ... i-I am gonna be a whip carrier."
But he could not keep his thrill down, he farging squealed like a girl...but there's more.
"Not just any ole whip-carrier that's too boring for me... but an undercover whip- carrier."
I jerked forward to pace and process the bomb detonated but found the action quite painfully inappropriate. Which only hastened my gut reaction.
"So George, you have actualised my worst fears about you. I am disappointed.
How will you tell your uncle that you are a confirmed career criminal?"
" I'll tell him I am a Reform Slave instead."

Our glee was short lived, he made a face of empathy saying it was time for him to get to work he wanted to know what I wanted for breakfast. When he left I laid back down and cried shamefully.

She just reformed my friend... and I... probably just revoked my parole.

I mean WHAT was I thinking? what I do all that for? I know so much better than to rush in, not kneel, and start out...."i got something i need to get off my chest."
What was I thinking?
What am I thinking? Mistress Carol wants an explanation and apology and I only got three days to come up with it. Where do I begin?
My mind was swelled with agitation and at some point I passed out.
Peter contacted me again in dream. He didn't have much to offer about how I was supposed to deal with my punishment. It was his memory of meeting carol in civics class.

" Days passed... class went back to normal routine, except that Miss Anderson was oftin absent for days at a time. In class she was sometimes interactive but most oftin distracted and quiet, typically on days before and after she was absent. I had taken to note these these patterns for evidence of my suspicions.

On this day as we had been reviewing the criminal justice system I produced the question."What is the intent of the Law?"

" To maintain social order." One said.
" To punish criminals." Quothe another.
" NO- to prevent crime." Corrected he that other.
" To help guide Citizens toward command of themselves." Carol ruled. I smiled impressed by her answer and tested the depth of her consideration of the subject.
"Then what is the purpose of reformation?" Carol's eyes shined as she customarily rose to address me.
" To personally assist citizens to realignment with the law and to encourage their strongest qualities of freedom upon which our laws are fashioned to endow."

I studied her, my brow made inquiry and my body rose politely to address her.
"Very impressive answer MsWies. And you call prisoners, slaves, reformees... 'citizens', why? Isn't the very notion of reform, to strip the prisoner of citizentry and worth for their crimes?"
"Their mistakes, Sir. They are people, people get confused and take miserable paths. They deserve the respect that the reform system is meant to provide to truly help them find their better way. And should be given their dignity, in the process of their punishment so they can come out all the better."
Before I could comment a boy, John Lancaster yelled venomously
"THEY ARE ANIMALS. Would you call my mother's rapist a citizen Carol? Because I sure don't!"
"Yes I do, John." She passionately answered him. " The rapist is a person who really did wrong and I guarantee is paying dearly for it right this moment." and the boy sad down angrily.
" So Carol, " I inserted. "What do you feel about the way we socially set the "people" apart, to include uniforms and scapegoating?"

"It is wrong Mister Gregg. I think that ... If I broke the law and had to pay by serving reformation and also had to endure the abuse of people like John because he thinks I am of the same stalk as his mother's rapist; when I personally would be doing my level best to improve myself ... well it is just plain wrong, cruel and for many a determent to the whole idea of a reform process in the first place." She gasped for air. I mused, she must be Lanel's best friend. I wondered if they have to flip a coin to see who gets to talk each night. I absently chuckled out loud.
"MsWies, remind me never to ask you what you really feel." All laughed. I continued." Channel your efforts into less as well as more powerful words. Are you thinking about a career in the field?"
" Yes Sir, since I was little." I winked at her. "Well good luck with that, but here is a hint, the best reformers don't have to say a word."

The room ebbed and swelled with passionate side conversations Carol rejoined the group argument. During which I presided over my own brood of reformees. Each of them be equally voiced and opinionated. Mine did not ware uniforms. And being on the cusp of release I had them join my class to prepare them for reassuming citizenship. Then addressed John.
" John, if not for a uniform would you be able to tell a prisoner from a citizen?" he thought a moment." No uniform, no customary deference either I guess? I think I could."
"How?" quizzed I. "Their criminal or guilt natures will show."
"Doen't it indeed, John. You are an example of the prejudice that leads to crime."

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Fifteen

2011-02-26T21:01:00.003-05:00

****Carol****

As customary at some appropriate moment those bearing guilt are dealt with.
"George, you are required to met with me down stairs."
He was clearly puzzled but compliantly frisking himself for his notepad and pen, Jerry became agitated and Diana just carried on relieved I didn't announce her as well. I dismissed them to their leisure and joined George, inviting him to my table.
"Why are you here?"
As he searched himself for an answer desperation arose to panic and he wrote asking me if he was responsible for the accident. I assured him that it was mutual fault, his irises flexed with this information. Synapses fired within he thought ' then why no arrangement for me to pay.'
"Slaves don't pay free citizen's bills, George they are too busy paying their own debts. Do you know what else slaves don't have the privilege of doing? Arguing with free citizens. George, what is it that you are especially not allowed to do?
Agitation flared in his nostril, his eyes hardened, and the wrote, "communicate, Reformer?"
I struck him and pronounced " 'No Plotting'. What business was it of yours what that man said or did or how the outcome would go? Did you think you'd be in trouble for an accident? Did you fear your embarrassment? None of this is your responsibility, I believe that you argued out of impulse, George and I mean to teach you that your mindfulness needs to improve. " I let him ponder, while I smoked. As the dawn of understanding embered, I continued. "You did do well, don't get me wrong. I am pleased with your understanding and acceptance of fault, and the observations, and all that you are proud of also.
But there is a valuable lesson deeper than these." Iris's flicker, we both sit back and ponder, another cigarette. Followed by moderate administration of a twase to George's bare posterior.

During the middle of punishment he whimpered "wait reformer", and abashedly thought 'please stop'. I did, he turned himself to face me and I nodded approval, he lowered his cloth as I laid the twase on the bench and gave him breathing room.
" I accuse you of unfairly exercising your authority on the free citizen Reformer. If we are at fault why is his disregarding me cause for you to make him pay for both our vehicles?"
"What do you suggest then George?" He answered that he felt he owed the man service in return, he had auto body skills to trade for the payments.
"Doesn't that work out to your being paid for labor George? Wouldn't that be an abuse of your slave authority to your advantage? So we either keep the bargain the man agreed with, or we confess to the man and let it go. Because what sense is there is you paying for him and him paying for you? So we make some other arrangement, such as you fix his and yours or you press charges on me. I am fairly sure it is not as consequential as reporting brainwashing, starvation, torment, and rape but if you wish to use the phone it is your right." He absorbed my reason and answered back.
"You think my valuable purpose is undercover reformation investigations, don't you?" I let my approval show.
" Yes George I very much believe you have expert potential. You are, much to Jerry's nightmarish chagrin, unbreakable. And you are in desperate need of training and proper education before you become poisoned entirely by megalomania. And though I know your sentence is up in a matter of months, I would like you to consider career training at my school. And yes we have stale-mate again.
Let me encourage you to remember that I am still your reformer and hope to be for quite a long while, do not abuse your privileges again. Do not doubt that I am capable to taking your privilege of communication next time." His ego glazed eyes, returned to surrender, and he waited for me to dismiss him.
I rejoined Diana in the living room, Jerry followed his habit of retreat when he can't monitor my handling of his best friend property, and George retired to his room, she was excited to see George's liberation from silence but her mind milled and churned.
"You may ask what you wish Diana."
"It's... well Mistress I thought....." She blushed to herself, being taken charge with a side of reasoning she was ill practiced with. "If you meant to honer him why didn't you share that moment with us? We miss him too, and suffered with him."
" I didn't mean to honer him. I mean to intensify his reformation and for that he needs to be able to speak." 'oh' is all she could thoughtfully respond.
I turned the tv station and watched a game show called "do you know this song?"

Jerry was high again, and had himself worked up outrageously that I was unjustified in punishing George. Diana had started to try to tell him that as far as she had understood George's meeting with me was only an interview. But I gave her a sternly amused 'hush' look. And she observantly knitted while Jerry laid out his indigence.
"I mean, Mistress that George did everything you instructed him to do and you STILL took him down stairs?" and he paused, to let me get a breath in.
"You have become quite judgmental as of late Jerry, haven't you? First let me say this. Obedience, is not surrender. The second ritual of breaking.
And this, you have just earned yourself a trip downstairs boy."
Where I made no pretence or lecture, I whipped him and sent him to his room and bade him to write out his reconsideration of his accusations due in three days.

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Fourteen

2011-02-25T14:05:00.005-05:00

***Jerry***
"What are the 5 positions?" Diana asked at dinner tonight. She and MsC has been chatty all evening about the school. I was in a tired daze, occasionally giggling when Diana fantasied too heroically.

Oh sure little miss cant stand authority is gonna suddenly blossom once she in the service. Oh She'll have her change.... what a crock. My eyes float around the table and connected with momentary flash of Mistress's less than pleasant "pity" look. My appetite shrunk, and I knew I was in for it tonight. I spend the rest of the meal trying to figure out what for and what to say about myself if she asked "that" question, tried to behave myself.

"Well Diana when I first attended there only 4 positions, and they where pretty clear cut. 1- wall time or unusual detail. 2-moderate to sever thrashing 3- moderate to sever flogging and 4- Lashes. " She answers. "And Mistress where did position five come from?" Diana asks. " It's an interesting story."

As Carol started to explain. George and I exchanged realisation that Diana changed what she calls Ms C. George's mask could barely hide his perplexing sad and eager grin, I could almost hear him thinking.....

' well lost another one to the enemy,maybe it's not too late.'

"Do you remember Officer Tweed? He was incarcerated when I was new. Peter was my high school Professor and he helped me emancipate myself from my parents at age 17 by taking me as an apprentice RIT, but until I had sufficiently passed advanced high school I was a safe house reformee. Mike Tweed was a prisoner reformee he was serving four years for rape.

"Mind you I was even shorter than I am now and he was 6 foot broad. We had security together for a spell. He kept sexually harassing and intimidating me. And I made him back down by threatening to tell. But after a while he challenged me that I was hardly as tough as think I am and he wasn't backing down.
I possessed a dominate glare and said "ok Mike, we will see. If you attack me I will see to it that you go through all the positions. But to have you never disrespecting another woman again I will not only go thru all four in one day, but I will invent a fifth. He went ashen and said we had a deal."

MsC went mysteriously silent and retired to the living room and we took our cue to clean up from dinner. George was especially intrigued and I could feel him burn with desire to 'discuss amongst ourselves' Diana chattered about the encounters and curiosities of her day and I was pensive and when I was not playing along with the random suggestions about how MsC got in trouble I was growing more nauseous over why I was in trouble.

George tossed me a 'clumsy' glare and I nodded. It was one of our silent cues when we needed a break from a reformer. We became so obnoxious about being in the way that we are dismissed and it worked like a charm on Diana who gruffly volunteered to finish the job by herself. We ducked out the back door and to the garage. He proudly demonstrated his custom modifications and flailed his arms about as if to knock down my abject shock. " Does Mistress know about this?" he smiled triumphantly. "Oh damn it George I must know what......tell me...whisper. No one will know." He solemnly grinned but had presented a detailed scribbling for me to get caught up by.
Something unsettled me about his story but I could not quite understand it. I thought I'd have to have a smoke about it later on. And being bemused with his apparent victories I offered him a stealthy confession when he joined me for a cigarette in my car. His equal shock asked me the same question. " I don't know." I shrugged. "she must; but doesn't say anything, so I guess it doesn't matter." Now he was visibly unsettled about me. I simply nodded with a sigh and laid the seat back.
We rejoined them in the living room once settled George rolls his arms over themselves to coax MsC to continue, drawing related chirps from the rest of us.

" Well the next morning I was quite rudely late for morning assembly. Peter gave me position one, I had to stand thru the assembly at the door and when he signaled me was to shrill ding ding ding ding ding. And do this for each bell for the rest of the day.

"Oh about lunch time, as we lined up by the cafeteria I screamed out "It's POISONED don't eat." MsC paused to recover her thrill and repose." If you can imagine, the students where already conditioned to respond to me yelling something so several of them panicked. Peter's office is was right across the hall, he had me by the arm in seconds whisking me behind closed doors.

'I cant believe what has gotten into you Carol Anne Wise. What is the meaning of this outrageous behaviour!' He demanded.'Professor, i was curious.' i defiantly shrugged and he twisted his face at me terrifically.' Ms Carol i hope position two helps you grow out of that quickly.' And he bade me over his desk and thrashed me severely. I had never been stricken before, never mind by paddle, or belt.

" Naturally I began to rethink the wisdom of what I was doing, but " she paused blushing." There is a part I neglected to tell you. Mike's end of the bargain, if I could not keep my word, I had to have sex with him. And I knew I had to keep that information away from Peter. My motive was to figure out how to make sure what I did got me to the next level. Damn the Torpedoes.

" Took two more classes before the throbbing burn went down, and I had my plan. Thankfully I was on standing by the door details. At the finial bell I destroyed my text book. Each class room is attended by an RIT who quickly had custody of my person and was escorting me to his officer when we crossed paths with Peter.
"I might have expected something like this. Release her she is already in my charge." Once we where in his office he had me sit at the desk. Behind me keys jingled a door unlocked and steps receded. I felt frozen to my chair and did not stare back. Another jingle , a smaller door, steps advancing, he takes his seat, we watch each other.
"Now, try to tell me your curious, " He laid a cat of nine tails whip between us." about vandalism." There was a pause, but I could not answer, my voice was frozen too. " I expect a reasonable explanation for your actions Carol. I understand you to be a woman of purpose and not prone to rebellion.
"Professor, I don't feel that it is appropriate for me to be trained as a reformer without first understanding crime." He reflected over my offering. He didn't seem totally on Board.
" 'Carol you are hiding information and I will ferret it out. But for now I strongly encourage you to end your morbidity here. The next level, is even less pleasant and will render you immobile for several days and scarred for life. There isn't must to be gained for your studies unless you wish to learn what it is like have your apprenticeship revoked. ' He warned, then I was lead and bound to the whipping post in his chamber.
"He didn't let me go off to my room, when he was finished with me it was nearly dinner bell and I had to preform my detail. Mike was among the early crowd and his respect grew with each grimacing step I took to take a place in the line. " MsC paused again, relief and dread washing over her eyes." Peter really had shaken me up. I had to make a decision.
" There was a dull murmur in the cafeteria that evening. Huddlings about the bet had no doubt been gleaned by my dear professor who began to observe we two more carefully. Mike could not stay away, he sat at our table with Peter's other two personal reformees. There was intensity that evening.
"As the pressure mounted, and with sorrow in my eyes I connected with Peter, and flung a spoonful of mashed potatoes at him. Silence, and the sound of my spoon hitting the floor, followed by my knees. "office" he said.
"You have one breath to explain why I wont be sending you home right now."
" Master, permit me more than one breath. I have put myself in this situation to win a change in Mike Tweed."
" Carol, most reformers to not win authority by acts of submission. You are not a reformer, and you are not authorised to practice law. That in itself is worthy of Whipping and Revoke. Had you considered the other results of your actions today? It is not just Mike that will have been changed by you. Your wild behaviour might have gotten you just want you plotted, but that is not the only thing it did. Most reformers are very careful about the various results of their actions so that they might have a strategy in place when confrontation arises.
Had you even considered your integrity with me or the rapport we had developed over the year? Seems to me that you took it upon yourself to play reformer. why?'
I explained the whole story (save the neglected part) to him and he continued his lecture.
" You have the whole school buzzing your fame. And I have to save face in this situation. I can admire what you have tried, I cannot feel justified in permanently punishing your instinctive act. And I feel that it is an honorable detail for me to hone your natural talents and build a master reformer out of you. But I did not expect you to test me by such an extreme, Carol. Let the students believe you where whipped for disrespecting me simply because they don't know you are a RIT yet. But between you and me, never practice law again until you are licenced. Am I clear?"
And MsC went silent again, and clicked on the tv. "to be continued after these messages" where the first lines on the tv.

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Thirteen

2011-02-24T06:31:00.008-05:00

****Carol****

Complacency, an abode we often find ourselves to be unaware of.

I lay, waking in the morning light of my bedroom, casually admiring the glint of sun as it cascades over flecks of dust.

*i wonder with whom complacency's fault lay* The taunt of my ceiling begins, bringing life to my skin. I argue, amused by his attempt, strategic waiting is not the same as mindlessness. But he counters me by asking what I intend to do with Diana.
To inspire I say, rising now donning my Reformatory uniform. I intend, sir ceiling, to have her witness a prisoner induction assembly at Our school. Her time hasn't come, I imagine that she should not have been sent to me.

* don't allow an other's error to prevent you from inspiring well, darling. Partial reformations are dangerous, as you are aware.*

Somberly charged, our day was underway.

Jerry is still reluctant to confess his re-lapse, or ask me about any of his experiences. I believe critical mass is coming.
George is no doubt looking forward; I grin; to his dealings in town today.
And Diana has finally completed both her room and her first knitting project. I am pleased with her self esteem and her ownership of goals. Pity the rebellion, though. I believe something will spark well with her today.

***Diana***

My fingers ache, my knees are rough, but my room... not to shabby. At the risk of death by lack of good ventilation I stained my sanded floors a rich mahogany and over the last few months there appeared the reflection of my resentment for all things well behaved. All black and purple lace and such the only odd piece to my theme was the multicolored zig-zaggy patterned knitted afghan.

Madam said she wanted me to have a break from the house so I was so go with her to work today. Oh yippee. I wanted to sit in my finished room and vegetate all day..that was the reward I was looking for..... but I figured better not argue. So I went...
Melinda had tried to impress on me how big the reformatory was, but she didn't tell me about a sports stadium, gymnasium or that there where roughly 700 residents, and guest quarters.
Madam looked positively frightening in her black wool skirt suit, the only spot of color or personality on the jacket was the school shield. I was not impressed really, seen my daddy all snazzy a million times.
She parked, already the entire school and staff where bustling. over in the right distance there where groups of people doing calenstetics, and as far out as you can see, past the other two buildings, was the morning activity of a farm, and over to the left of that there where out buildings.... but their purpose was obscured to me because of the huge looming very school like three story mass of the main reform school building.
We entered thru a glass corridor, just inside the main hall on the right were a security station and two guards who had jumped up and yelled 'Commandant'..and all within hearing distance knelt. "Carry on" She said and the bustling resumed.
The yeller was a red haired 10 year old girl and the other was a scruffy blond 15 year old boy, whose arms were stretched out along a straight bar across his shoulders, it had fallen to him to present Madam with the nightly report, awkwardly.
"How much longer on your sentence?" She asks. "Three days Mistress."
"When and where is your group rotating?" She inquires." Tomorrow, home farm Mistress Carol." She quietly studies him, he stands appearing as humble as he knows how.
"Come see me at 2 pm, Franklin" He curtsy's and she dismisses them as the day security pair take over. I follow puzzled observing a large common room on the right side of the wide front hall, and a large theater style assembly room, past eh stairs on the left side, and madam's office/ infirmary with the cafeteria and dinning hall on the right. There was a turn to the left but we went to the office.
"What do you think of my school so far, Diana?"
"Seems like allot to take care of Madam. You have reformees running security, and farms?"
"They are carefully organised with trustees and reformer students. You will learn more about how I run things at the assembly later."
I mock flattery and joke about an assembly for little ole me, how kind. She told me she had a bit of business to take care of but I could wonder around and enjoy the facilities until the assembly bell. I was halfway across the side lawn when it occurred to me I don't know the assembly bell from a cow bell, and sat in a shady spot.
The peaceful bliss of not scrubbing anything was rudely interrupted by a barking voice. "You get up, what do you think you are doing there?" It gruffed as I scrambled to my feet wiping myself off disinterestedly stammering and had barely flicked dirt when the man's voice changed into a hand that grabbed me by my chin.
"Don't you obey any protocol, reformee?" and the hand guided my body to my knees, and he stepped back. I saw his uniform now, it was green and less severe with the lack of personality than was Madam's. "Sir, I did not see you or know who you where." He stared at me incredulously. "Did you know that was the bell for the first class?" "No sir, " I suppressed a giggle but not a smirk " I am Madam Carol's reformee." He returned my smirk. "Ah then you do know the protocol of kneeling when addressed by a free-citizen?" " Yes sir, but how could I know you where free, this is my first visit here." For a moment he was exasperated, stopped himself from pointing at his uniform again and muttered ' carry on'. I interrupted his attempt to scurry by having him demonstrate the assembly bell toll so I would not miss it.
I settled back into my shady spot .... yup he must be a reformer student.
After several hours a Police Transport van arrived and four escort officers lead a group of 17 prisoners into the assembly hall. I joined them when the buzz tolled.
The prisoners peppered themselves randomly on the right side of the auditorium, and on the left side where 8 residents in Blue uniforms and 8 in green , and 8 in casual attire, waring red arm bands each bearing a letter a-h. The uniformed ones wore corresponding letter assignments in lapel pin form.
Carol enters stage right and anyone who knew better knelt or saluted, those who did not, stuttered ,followed suit and looked on. The lead officer steps out and hands Carol 17 files, two prisoners knelt. Carol opens and spread them out on the podium and calls everyone to sit.
" Good afternoon students, Welcome to Peter Gregg's Academy of Reformation." She paused and smiled briefly. " Now I am sure you will hear many colorful acronyms perhaps even make up a few new ones, but generally we refer to the school as PGAR. I am Commandant, Reform Master Carol Wise and I have only three rules for you. You will assume the proper position when you enter or exit and room where I am, and you will also stand and kneel when I enter a room where you are. My Second rule is that you will address me as Master, Madam, Mistress or Ma'am. My third rule is that you will do anything I tell you to do or not to do." She paused as a mute wave of reaction flowed over the crowd.
" The School, on the other hand has many other rules for you. If you will reach into the side pocket of your seat you will find a Operation Protocol Manual. Study it students, there in you will find Peter's seven rule policy, which now applies to the other three Reform Masters who ware uniforms like mine.
This school is not only a respected reformatory but we are also a Training Post for Reformer Students, or RS's " She motions three of the uniformed examples to the stage." There are five ranks of RS. Those in blue are reform student practitioners, if they ware a gold arm band they are officers. RSP's and RSPO's have disciplinary authority over students and are authorised to deliver positions 1-3 of the schools disciplinary policy. Only RM's exercise position 4 and 5. You will find that information on page 2 of your OPM
There was murmuring and turning of pages.
I was now thoroughly bored of it.... only lingered on to learn they called the green uniforms RITO or RIT, and that the RITS ; who where first stage students; only had white arm bands. There where also trustees who where reformees in charge and wore red bands. I flipped thru the alphabet soup of a manual and drifted into remembering my father again.
When I was little and he had seminars and we had to sit through them, trying to be quietly entertained. I remember sitting on the floor near him playfully chasing toy cars around his feet. I remember also being scolded for disturbing. I felt my lip snarl resentfully.
Madam was rapping up her debriefing by explaining how there where ten student groups with their own duties and 24 hour schedule, to include grade appropriate education. The school had a policy of self sufficiency and prisoners also maintained vehicles, kept the grounds, run Administration, Housekeeping and Kitchen. She also spoke of two elite groups, not represented in assembly I, Currier service and J, school journalism. The only way to get those positions was progressive self improvement.
I found that I was quite seduced by the reformatory by the end of the show. But not everyone felt the same.
"take your school and shove it up your ass. " there was burst of shock and amusement then five voices chanting SIUA SIUA SIUA.
I clutched the book, fearfully relieved, it was not for me that she donned her calm amused smirk. It was almost musical how the five chanters went flat as one word entered the microphone. "dismissed" Everyone but the stunned five poured out of the rows, their files had been sorted as Madam lectured, and the RS's lead their people away.
The boys where confused, sweat beaded on the ringleaders brow, " Why cant I move?" he said, and as suddenly she was on his face about rule two and three. " Because I am your reformer Stewart."
She casually turned to the remaining RSP and RIT " I believe we can restore school honer by showing these noobs position 3 before they settle in, what say you?" and she dismissed everyone.
"Mistress, why couldn't he move?" I slurred cautiously.
"Authority, Diana. He had none."
"But he has four people who joined him."
"He did not have respect."

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Twelve

2011-01-11T00:47:00.006-05:00

**** George***

The white cloth mocks me, it began this morning while I was shaving. It announced, "who not just leave it off?"

The Reformer already left, and took Diana with her, and Jerry was REALLY interested in repairing his breaks, he had his car up on ramps digging into one project or another for the entire week. But mostly avoiding company. And I had a list of items, and a permission note to purchase in Mistress Carol's name.

Honestly no one would know. I mean..

Here it was like family, part of the scene. No one bothers me about it, I feel different, observing has been educational. But when I go into town I will be ... the observed. Now, Kehsharthians aren't strange about public displays of discipline. And besides, maybe the fact that I am serving Carol will gain me sympathy.

The air really feels good on my cheek, and a nervous tingle rises in my stomach. My eyes drift through my window to the garage doors where the reformer showed me her collection. There were pristine models of two rare cars. One was a blue and white 1957 Farelane and a jet grey 1969 StingRay. When asked to chose I had barely time to blink when the ray keys and the list where put in my hand.

The reformer didn't let even a twinkle belay her knowledge that the skin under this cloth started to sweat. One in a life time opportunity to drive this super cool chick magnet.........but........well under not so proud conditions. Think about having to communicate with the clerks.... I mean.....

It really serves no practical purpose to ware this thing.

I mused over other troubling things while I dressed. The reformer subtly remarked the we had grown complacent. And she spent the evening with that deep thought look... Shudders.

Deep thought look.... she doesn't move, once we ...well she sat still for almost three hours. We HAD to....in the interest of science..er health. I noticed first..and shook my hands for their attention and hushness. Jerry shrugged that he was already aware and Diana got panicky, she didn't know what we where talking about. But I showed her, Reformer was not breathing.

Diana jutted her hands to her hips. Jerry was about to laugh out. Diana made jesters trying to explain Reformer was sleeping. To prove my point I signaled time out and got a hand mirror........and damned skippy, she didn't breath while I held it there. Then the reformer asked me if she's alive and a good time was had by all.

No notice of any white cloth....that mocked me again....

I combed my hair and with quivering tied the trap into place, if I was going to lose this game it would certainly not be for simple disobedience.

But, your not a citizen, ..........and my eyelids become heavy, and I firmly looked at my reflection but by god I am Keshathrian. My manhood and I shared an emotionally turbulent endless drive into town.

I had been determined to at least enjoy the drive in, when that was over I parked and looked forward to the drive back. This was just a thing, a common possibility. All I have to do is follow orders, be humble and respectable. A Lady sternly gilded the amused chirp of her youngster as I walked by. My shame made a knot in my solar plexus, but I kept to my objective, walking straight to the clerk and offering him the notes.

He studied them. "So your a ward of Carol's eh? Might have known. So what cha in for..." the clerk amused him self...I patiently sighed "no no Don't tell me!" And some eavesdroppers began to huddle. I heard them huddle. The clerk gave me directions to the location of the items and noting the car in front he offered to arrange delivery before evening.

I learned stealthily that because of Carol's reputation in this town, I was afforded no sympathy. That just blows my whole schism ya know.

One person whispered ' i wonder what he's in trouble for' and mentioned....Carol once had a murderer in her reform. Others discussed Carol's success rate. Some mocked and postulated my possible sins. Was I a bad lawyer one asked a random huddler.

When the ordeal was over I wanted to die, I begged the sky for a nice drive home. But.

I adjusted the mirrors carefully, I looked all directions. There was a person waiting on my spot, he drove a Dark blue sedan and looked impatient. I took my eyes off the mirrors and put the car into gear. And drove a jet grey streak the length if his rear quarter panel. I was mortified, I couldn't move for several minuets after he got out of his car and was screaming at my window, drawing a crowd.

I remembered my reformee protocols as if by instinct, I lowered my head and motioned for permission to get out of the car. The store clerk explained to the man that i was not permitted to speak. But the man wasn't having it, he demanded to hear why I wasn't paying attention. And who's going to pay for the damages. I protested by emphatic no gestures and pointing to imply that it was him at fault.

This only raised his ire. He began to promise that I'd be his handy-man for six months. The Store clerk had been huddling and he approached the irate man cautiously. " Sir, we think the matter is not so simple, permit the boy to exchange information and settle it with his Mistress later." Reason flickered absently by him as he turned to look at the damage to his car. He was quacking in his rage, and blew up at me again, this time ranting about my being a prisoner. But the store clerk wasn't listening. He walked over to me and offered to call Carol for me.

After explaining the situation to her he handed the the phone to me. " Shh, you are doing very well George now put the other man on this phone!"

I must say I really did enjoy watching his face turn pale as he muttered the occasional yes, well i... no no... i just....yes Ma'am." and hung up the phone.

He looked at me a long moment "It has come to my attention, George that the accident may be my fault as well. I didn't signal that I going to take a different spot before I accelerated. And that's when we collided. To apologise for the way I disregarded you, if you agree I will cover half your expenses by instalment. Or take it to Carol to discern." He offered his hand, I scanned myself for fault and finding I had not checked the mirror before I accelerated, and I politely accepted it.

The drive home was triumphant, the sound system intoxicating, the detours lengthy.

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Eleven

2011-01-04T22:47:00.005-05:00

*****Jerry*****

I had been feeling lonely since Mistress put the "gag order" on George. It's been nearly a month. Diana has been really testy lately, pissing and moaning and taking her sweet time with her room project. Thing is Mistress isn't like a drill sargent she doesnt pressure at all, just interacts when diana starts freaking out. "being rude" Mistress calls is.

Lets see so far we learned Msitress doesn't like rudeness, vows, curses, stubborness, rebellion, self pitty, self doubt, and ummm lieing. But we cant be too sure about that because lies tell the truth. So i am mentally challenged make no mistake. But I see another person in or better stated not in her eyes. She spends many hours alone in her room, and really only talks when spoken to. Shes elegant. But as George always said..never fuck with the ones that carry whips.

Gawd I miss talking with him. I hate this silence treatment. And I feel as if I need to escape. and so I did. I dont know how I did it but I escaped today. Mistress had gone to work and I was agaitated and wanted pot. Needed it. I know it might be against the rules...but she did, didn't say I could not ..the only conversation we had about pot was ....'if i needed a lesson in addiction managment she'd be on call.' and it's been eating away at me.

Diana caught me as I was standing by the phone." What do you want to talk to Her for?" I incredulously blew her off. "Have you ever tried to call out?" Diana nodded yes ." Have you ever wanted to reach another line?" I asked curiously. George sounded off with a sarcastic applause and half of a mock 'proud father' face. I laughed, and watched Diana process the moment. "Yeah but what will you say when it dials Madam? Ahh haaa cant get past that. Umm Wrong number mistress I meant to report you for abuse instead?" and she laughed herself to her room.
I stayed there reaching for the phone and drawing an empty sweaty palm back to my chin, and paceing. George finally got tired of me not doing it that he went back about his work.

Finially I steeled my gut and dialed my dope man Steve, gave him directions to the convience store and met him there.

Why did she plant that temptation? I was happy How dare she mess up what i built up? I wont ask her outright, George might've but not me. Then I remembered my guilt. Master Rob would have been dissapointed, but I feel so good right now. How could he disapprove? It isnt Illeagle, but technically it is to me as a reformee, so.....I broke the law...

And with these musings in progress is left my room and joined the others. There was a comedy show on called "are you happyier now". I was really paying attention to the dialouge in the show because it triggered things I was museing. George was intencely interested as well. Diana was grumbling at her knitting but there where some jokes she reacted to.

I started laughing....

" Something different on your mind Jerry?" Mistress asked while flipping channels.
"It's just that we are all very interested in this show, and it's dumb."
"The show is what ever you make of it." Then she stopped clicking and I heared the television say . "confess...you know you love choclate,....." and I sat back just watching mindlessly.

This house was wicked strange, strange things always occured, strange coincidences. I finally went to bed, exhaused.

**** George****
Today i was given the privilidge to drive. Let's just say WHAT........
I cant imagine what I did to earn it ... and I am not so sure it is a good thing. I mean I have been following her instructions, I have been observing and all that farkin jazz. Ohhhh, *writes the blind mute*
Humilliation. Tis the season for punishment without reason. Stupid reformers! Tricks are for kids.
and I float to sleep dreaming plots senerieos.

*and she kills them all and eats them for dinner.*

Author's public note...dang first person perspective is hard...think i'll switch to omnitient for a while BBL hopefully with plot movement and discription perspective. learning as I go.

So it is

2011-01-02T21:51:00.002-05:00

my blog is now a ruin.

yes i had bloged under this title but then i became much ashamed (available for the right reader who makes human contact)
i hope i'm not alone yet.
if i ever find happy again, ill get around to my novel.

no one

Another year

2010-12-31T17:31:00.003-05:00

A better year.

I feel fortunate to beable to have quality time on new years eve.
For christmas i bought myself the V first season. And am excited about jan 4's premier.

I have filled out an application for college. There is a cirtian matter i wish to discuss outloud concerning a "tudor" i have not mustered the balls to ask critical or bisiness questions....i wonder paranoidedly...

and need to get my space organised. see many things have happened lately.

I had an affair for about four times over six weeks. An outrageous one by my ex's estimation, not only was he a "bum with no car" he was a BLACK bum with no car.....oh gawd, he thought he showed me better in life.and *puts on dumb man ranging voice* i am a total jerk to you now and only ......
****alter selfs****
*rambleing now....sorry.*
I would not suggest letting that happen again. Type freely or you can't do this.
*** Justine.***

*snickers.......i am trying differnt stuff out to improve my ability to write kehshathria. Need to try to play my game ...characterize myself and also be the real me.....

***real me***

haaa that reminds me of a thing i can put up it is a thing called "identiy"

and i am staring now to see my new me. if you will i can present it as fiction but conveiy the emotion...otherwise i am afraid i would sound like a nut that talks to herself. and worse if i try to explain. If i am schizoid, fractured what ever... i enjoy my life. and i harm none...and if i do...i seek amends.

****alter self***

justine....i belive you avoided the topic entirely...who are you justifying yourself to?

me....the scarey them guys.
*alterself sighs as if to start a very worn lecture*...stop talking to other and be.

*** justine again*...

hum i bet that style of writeing would be too confusing for the reader...anyone agree? But i w....oh i am so not ready to blog yet...bbl. oh and happy new year....

*sips more mojito..seriouslly...minty beer....*

we three us's

Huge mental battle ....

2010-10-02T02:29:00.003-04:00

..... in the kiddie pool.

Ok so i got THIS MANAGER....*snickers* Now, it is seldom my habit to get personal with individaul persons here in my "blog space" But this fresh from college anthoritarian wannabe, nevermind the little hypens general manager is pulling ye olde "Grant and withold" maneuver on poor little ole me who had foolishly confessed to having a great pride and sence of perfectionism about my work when he gave some seemlingly sencier geniune praise.
BUT the rub lieth in this, that his praises while lofty where also equle in dread when he yanks away thatand beats me arousn with the *why cant you keep up with the stndards* speech all brainwashed managers must get you to bend over and fuck your humanity with.

This manager is like a E-4, coorperil , or younge sargent jsut out of leadership school,. but this man is not a true leader, already i am cunning out his weakness's
He does not have the respect of his men, he is a rules rapist, whats more he stand sbeing "athority" and would rather have his men happy shiney cowering ravenious little robots

This fool, how i dispise how i am precieving his character. it is so ..... *shudder* perhaps ther eis something i want to learn about dealign with *that KIND* of personality.

Wouldnt a buddha type live peacibly unaffected by his lords mean, only following his dharma or his tao. But i kinda want a vengnce of a sort.
wouldnt a perfect servent lead their Masters? Even the un ruly and foolish Masters.

Is that what the Salad ninja does? but

I i really HATE this guy....

Do you? what about love the sinner hate the sin, dont belive pre-historic advice anymore?
*sigh*

So, i been thinking, i would like to try my hand at live comedy sometime before i die.
It is totally like the perefect plan. *cough illusion* i mean...it is work i can do into my old age. Many good comedians make a full and wealthy career off the same jokes or decades.i could make more money than my ex-husband, and travel........that ex will constantly berate me with negitives no matter what. *dons grumpy unintelligent that man voice*

uhhh i dont know who you enemies are. "my friends" or "people" tell me blah
oh ha ha you gave a guy a ride home..you'll fall for anything....your easilly taken advantage of.... when you need money call me...
*eyes glaze over from manipulation*

gawd i hate humans.

but in this case i am truely tempted to play back to my manager. But i must be covert.

I simply cant shout Jahvol mien heir.
but he certenly seem to come form a ego place that seems to threaten if you dont treat me right i have the athority to fire you and as you can see i am a nit picky motherfucking assholethat never directly fires you.. naaaa i get more fun makeing you cry and lose your cool .you will umm "fire yourself"

YOU MOTHER FUCKER! you manipulative liar i think i OUGHT to do battle with you.

It is never about you mangaeing me it is about ME mastering this job.

This cannot be done in 3 mothns.and less than teop since you came to micromanage the crew.

You add to me "bring fresh clean dishes to the bar while trying to fill up the 46 things to over flowing while chopping and replaceing suplies, being pleasent and curtieous with the customers while interrupting their progress to continue my deuties cleaning it to *SPEC* to maintain the Ruby Teusday image.......

I dont have time for dishes. sheesh. SPEC. you mother fucker i think spec exists in yoru head, i never saw that manaul...if i get an additude can you show me the manaul so i can Read fo rmyself what the standards are?

One day you praise me that i am a worker who likes to figure things out and the very next off day you punish me as if i have been on the verge of being fired for incompitence.

And i had been foolish enough to trust your sincerity, and to take the little candy bar you brainwashed trained idiot follower. ZIEG HEIL motherfuker.

I want to show you. but what.
part of me wants to be so subtle withmy perfect obedience i can make a mockery of his mircomanaging by following his illlogic.
heeheheh

or i cna be something like that by makeing him rediculous because inorder for me to maintain his idea i should have to get an egg timer and set it to go every fifteen miniutes.
would he concider this showing initiaive? or should he be embarrassed the more systematically i turn myself into a contradiction of genuine customer care..
How many times might i intice a costomer to praise me to his face? I already recive a few kudos..how dare he INSULT ME with his scolding.

anyway,,,see i got anger...

Gee wiss Mistress i will never be a zen master now.

" then be a zen servent"

IZM

POST SCRIPT....

I realised that i havent brought up the true spring of my ire. My anger is notall about any precieved insult to myself. But there is an old lady who has been workign there a long long time. She has gone on a month of vacation to settle land in greece, when she comes back, will he pull his micro managment on her? She will speak back, and will he apply the thumb screws to force her to quit her only income? I cant abide that game, it is lower than sophmoric, he is an ambitious child.
But let me back off my rage, seeing as how he IS a rules rapist he will ever appear to be "only expecting reasonable things" i mean really......there are places where i could become more conscientious but he undermines and calls it motivation.

Having lived in an manipulative marriage and goign thru a manipulative divorce, i am sick and tired of giveing way my freedom to be "reasonable" esp where human decency is concerned.

Sick and tired of people telling me i am not good enough because i am not perfect in my "compliance". That Manager has already turned a potintially good furture manager into a shiney happy butt monkey. He has his butt monkey say engouraging things and appear as an up beat and motivated shiney training video employee... but that "encouragement" is phoney. Then that manager took time to praise his BM in front of me about how BM was shineing like a "superstar" (for helping me load up the salad bar once during rush).

I feel i need to make annonymous complaints to cooperate. i will remember that these manager types never stay long, i merely need to out last him.

Now if only i could get myself to be a Ninja Butt Monkey and still respect myself in the morning.

Justine.

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Ten

2010-07-21T22:42:00.003-04:00

****Diana***

I went to my room early that night, and decided to write about the things i have been thinking. It is raining, and it was a little too quiet this evening in the living room. Her Majesty Queen Lanel has just announced that they are sending my Father's unit to the war zone. I am in dread for the future.
My Father is a Top Sargent Lord in Her Majesty's Service, and trained in strategic missions. My throat hardens and hand quivers as I calculate his chances this time.

If he... be-because I am still in custody, Madam was heartbroken to inform, She would become a ward of state and put into a Reform home until I am released. I am aghast with horror. Be-because I just wouldn't get with the program and obey my father, suck it up for a few more years, get strong ...then..then... i am a fuck up. I ruined my life, oh god I ruined her life.
I am a shame, and ill never be able to let my father know... I wi-will...never get to show him I that could be anything different to him but a lost cause.

I stepped away form my desk, and paced. I didn't like those dirty rugs anymore so I took scissors and shred them, and pulled down the curtains, turned the mattress and suddenly Madam had my wrists... it was three in the morning how did she hear me? She sat me down on my bed and pulled a chair over and sat beside me. "Your self pity would wake the dead, who can sleep through it. I came up here to help you and saw you throwing a fit. This will be stopped."
"Self pity!.. I am mourning my dad!" She nodded negatively. "Honestly Diana, is THIS how you want to remember your father? With is ever judgmental disapproval over you. His dieing breath Echoing 'why was my little girl such a looser.. loosserrr... loooooooossssssssserrrrrrrrr'....so you can cry yourself into motivation?" I was in stitches. oh my farkin gawd. Hum, that's George's word.... I realised I had been thinking instead of speaking.
"Diana, what about this fit? Is this any way to act? If you want to redecorate you need to do it organised. And you won't throw any more little tantrums like this again."
I noticed the tone in her voice changed and my nerves began to tense, my eyes found her's and I saw their color changed and my legs twisted in closer."I I w-wont Madam, I just lost...u-um i got worked up, I am ok now, let me clean the room up, please." She sat straighter. " Yes I believe you will be ok for now. But this is personal. You violated my things, as well as my sleep, And this is rude.
Not only will you re-do this entire room by hand, to include sanding and staining the floor, you will also lower your pants and come over my knees, now." And my guts became stone. The rain drops pounded against my window, and the air chilled. " You said I.. I had freedom to discuss... we aren't in the basement, M-Madam." Her eyebrow quivered but she was not retreating, I could tell.

"If you have a better suggestion, something equal to the pain and humiliation and lesson that this will do for you. Or if you can convince me by reason that this is unnecessary, because you have learned something, or understood the principle during the lecture that makes spanking unjustified violence. Then you may argue. But if you are only going to plead, or insult you had better reconsider, Diana. Take a moment and then chose your answer."

After reviewing myself, and my actions, feeling shame for something I could not put my words on.... then my mind went blank and I only knew I didn't want this. How about... stand in the corner for a long long time? She nodded negative as I thought and reminded me that my time was to be spend re-furbishing the room.
So I complied with her ridiculously childish order. And stayed reluctantly compliant through an eternal thrashing. I counted...it was the only way to stay alive..... 200 farkin swats.............She murdered me!......

She turned off my light as I retreated into bed saying. "Premature Regret" and disappeared into the darkness.

Kehshathra Part 1, Chapter Nine

2010-07-21T21:24:00.003-04:00

****Jerry****

Tonight it was my own memories that kept me awake. George didn't come in to let me know if he was ok, he barely made it to his room. I listened to the noise of the house my senses ultra sensitizing when the basement door closed softly, and lights clicked off, and steps ascended the stair...."He'll live, Jerry" said the lady from the first room. But I wasn't going to sleep. I went outside several times to smoke, and finally ended up waking when Ms Carol got in the passenger side, and offered me a pack of smokes, and lit herself one as well.

"I didn't know you smoked. " I yawned impersonally.
She smiled . "You don't know allot of things about me, I like you, limit myself to certin areas to smoke, and I do not let the addiction tell me when it is time."
"I don't know if that's possible Mistress, I simply go nuts if I cant get a smoke at least every couple hours." She had an amused gleam in her eye, causing me to defend myself."That's no licence... don't need a reformer's help with that little liberty."
"No I wasn't thinking of forbidding anything of yours. It is just curious to me why people insist that they are powerless to themselves. " I also gave her a quizzical gleam. "You can suppose that you have utter self control, Mistress. or that you are pure logic, can you? Cause it is impossible you know."
"Perhaps in accepting imperfection we realise we are that." I spurt out just as she finished. "Ah see we are but we are ignorant, always limited." She thought a long moment and then laughed."What's in these cigarettes?" "I don't know, you gave them to me."
"Yes true. And should you decide that you require a lesson in addiction management, I'll be on call." Her cheshired smirk unnerved me, as it cut through me like prophecy. I studied her down hard, and she sat back and smiled.
"Master Rob taught me to occupy myself and resist my temptations. To think of my responsibilities and what not. "
"Yes but he did not teach you how to overcome the impulse to obey addiction. Just methods to ignore it. The wall that you built up never allows you to pass, and it holds back a great load of fear to err. But not temptation."
"You claim you have mastered temptation?" I grinned incredulously. She shyly smiled. "You are making the claims, I have not mastered everything. It is impossible, as you know."
"And with that, good morning Mistress, I could use some coffee if you please... follow me to the kitchen." I got out of my car gallantly and opened her door.
I don't know exactly why I lost my anger and worry I just knew that Mistress Carol had carefully handled George, and I felt a faithful respect to her.
I made coffee and breakfast this morning, and George joined us on time for serving.
I had my back turned to the stove when I heard Diana giggle, when I saw him with a white cloth tied over his mouth silently mocking her. "I guess this means we can finally watch tv in peace at night." I joked. "Oh yeah." She chimed back." and no more teasing me with your stories." He gave her a very expressioned "oh yeah" look and started to curl the bottom of his shirt in his fingers in preparation for lifting..but suddenly jerked halt and dropped to his knees. Carol had stepped in from the back kitchen/dinning room door. We knelt and bounded back quickly, and Carol made her way over to George who stayed down."George, we discussed this. No plotting." His eyes where apologetic and tilted his head and then lowered it, and she stepped back from him and causally smelt the food and refilled her cup. I was shocked, Diana shrugged with a roll of her eyes and continued setting the table, George got up and worked with her.
"I sure don't get you, Mistress." She smiled. "You don't really understand the breaking Ritual, Do you? " I thoughtfully continued putting food into serving bowls to carry out. " Well, I know it is about surrender. And It's violent. And about facing reality. But that's it." She took a few platters and we started to the dinning room. She said "Surrender is the first principle of Wisdom."
And we ate, and conversed about general things, and make jokes at George's expense.

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Eight

2010-07-20T15:32:00.003-04:00

****George****

She threw me to the basement floor. "Anything you want from me , you take." I promise her as I begin to clamor to my feet."Yes, and i intend to take from you a choice. What is my Name?" Barely standing I took a lunge to her midsection grunting "Fucking Bitch". Before I could make contact she gracefully swung her hip back and I face-palmed the cement , then her heel ground into my spine.
"Yes, true. But not any of the names you are to chose from."

She wrenched me to my feet and walked me backward into the whipping post.
'wait a min... i am facing the wrong way...' my restrained arms tense with certain realisation, when she locked her coal glare on me. My head sinks back into the post, then whispers oh holy fuck.... as if a prayer to get me outta this.

She moved savagely, and whipped the virgin flesh of my chest and stomach with a cat of nines. At first I raged and promised to hurt her, then I began to bargain and retracted myself, then I begged and pleaded, then I fell into surrender, and absorbed her blows with out thinking anymore. And she stopped, cleaned her tool, and returned it to the armour next to us. And sat at her desk, leaving me to wait while she smoked a cigarette in her thunderous silence.

"Are you going to come and sit in this chair so we can talk properly, or do I continue?" I grunt my compliance, she releases me and ever so slowly make my way to the desk. After she sits facing me our conversation begins.

"Please Explain to me how it is the you think you are reformed?"
My mind stirred from the smog, racing to find evidence of my changed ...but I kept stammering there... "it was cause I love Sam... Ill be good because I love Sam but then they kept me in."
"I think your rage is because things did not go as you wished. George Wisenbugh Does not like it when he is out of control. But can you even really sit there and tell me that you wouldn't or haven't broken any laws since Sam? In your anger with the system,You violated the minds of 2 others reformers, can you even be trusted to restrain your insanity because of love?"

"It's been known to happen, mastermistressmadamormaam. For the relationship a person would give up large tracks of themselves."
"Yes true. And their LIVING partner likewise suppresses a multitude of self , and they fill each other's void. Most often in Fairy Stories George. But what you have going on... they write about in Horrors. Your love cannot fill any void except fantasy. And even that, is unsatisfying. Part of you knows very well , George, that the spirit of Sam you so cherish, you have shamed again and again."

I am crushed...I begin to feel violent and then I went back into surrender, and absorbed her reason... and then I felt pain, self disgust, fear.....hurt, I broke tearfully. "what am I then, just a criminal?"
"You are a man, George, possessed of talents and skills that are very valuable to the State." She stated flatly. I was intrigued, and open. She smiled tauntingly when I asked her what was valuable about me?
"First I , as Reformer, secure your respect and honer of my teaching. Then I can guide you to freedom."
"Tell me what I can do that's so valuable?"
"Who knows the system and the people with in it, and the letter of the law better then George Wiesnburg?
I sat back weighting my options, my body was a flame of crimson lashes, and I suddenly didn't want to battle wills anymore. I had to concede my errors and loss.
"How do I show you my honer, MasterMadamMistressOrMaam? My respect is not for free."
"Nor is mine, What is my name, George?" I steel my eyes to hers and deliberately pronounce "Reformer." She drew on side of her lips into a crooked smile..."Acceptable. To prove your integrity you will give up your privilege of speech. I want you to observe, meditate, and find that quiet place in your mind as well. No plotting, No rebellion, just watch and evaluate. When you have figured out your valuable purpose in life, I will restore the right of speech to you.
"But until then..." She continued turning her smile back into her evil coy one." Because you are being punished for interrupting me in your bedroom, you will ware this cloth over your mouth. Only move it for eating and hygiene form here on out, do you comply?"

"Yes Reformer." and Bowed my head, as she tied it on, and dismissed me.

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Seven

2010-07-18T18:42:00.004-04:00

*****Diana****

When I got into the kitchen Madam Carol was already there, and had most of the breakfast cooking. I knelt hastily with a roll of my eyes. "What did I mess up this time, Madam?" She set the mixing bowl down, saying the only thing I have done incorrectly is expect myself to fail. "Madam, I don't believe that it is my methods that keep getting me in trouble." Handing me coffee and inviting me to sit at the table while she talked and finished cooking.

"Diana, it is not because of your errors that you have been punished lately, but because of your lack of adaption, and all ways being in a stressed perfectionist state of mind that causes you to lash out every time I point out mistakes, or make corrections to you. I thought you understood that?"

"I knew it was about my attitude Madam, but I figured if I didn't make the mistakes you wouldn't have anything to say to me."

"Oh , that is impossible, Diana, I can find flaws even in my own workmanship. I don't come in here to pick on you, but to see if you have learned to deal with your disorganised thinking. What good is my reformation if all you managed to get out of your stay here is how to make fewer mistakes and getting snotty about it?"

"Maybe I am being snotty because I am sick and tired of being whipped and don't even think of spanked... perhaps Madam could change her favorite thing so I would not be as stressed out over failure?" I spoke with conviction. She smiled casually and pulled out the biscuits. Telling me that she had been considering more suitable discipline for me since yesterday and decided that I would take up knitting.
By then the boys where shuffle-kneel-shuffling in robotically serving coffee and setting the kitchen dinning table as Madam Carol began to pull the food off the stove. And that was the beginning of Saturday.

****George****

Ah Saturdays, the reformer's preachin day. Day you can say whatever you feel like saying day you might just get trapped into her warped way of thinking. I have never met a reformer that will explain the reason behind every move, what ever the question, if you are so daring to ask it...but there is a darkside.

I was the owner of the darkside today. Jerry had the quizzical twist on his face and he said to the reformer in the living room. "I don't get you Mistress. There are different rules for each of us."
"No, there are different situations for each of you, still only three rules. My reformation is biased on individual refinements." She answered.
"Naturally but to whose end? What interest do you serve? Do you want to mold us into what you think the right framework is?"
"My framework is set for myself. My job is to teach each of you to respect freedom, and be your own guides."

" Huh! be our own guides? I was doing fine until they kept me in the farkin system." I spewed.
"George, did it ever occur to you that the state kept you in the system because you weren"t reformed?"
"You have my File, MasterMadamMistressorMaam, you can read the comments yourself."
"What I read were the all too perfect vision of reformation. What i saw was that you mistake devotion to love as freedom in law. Oh yes, I know you hate me George, but i will only tell you the truth." My eyes burned against her, and then i was suddenly very calm. "The State did not say that, they don't care about who I am but that i don't pose a threat to others. I wouldn't want you, MasterMadamMistreessorMaam, to confuse spiritual virtues with State Regulated Prison Reform." The reformers irises flexed." We shall see, won't we? DO you not think a psychologist and counselor as well as the parole board scrutinized your forgeries and compared them to Mistress Samantha's over all records? Could you have been so pristinely through during your smittenhood to have been consistent and reasonable with Her personality and bear to keep out your rebellious bragging?" My throat hardened and I went to my room for the rest of the day.

***Jerry***

I didn't know what to say after George left. Diana and Mistress Carol started to figure out the knitting and I watched TV.

Every now and again going out to my car to smoke. I am angry about what Ms.C said to Him. She hit him where he lives, and there'll be the devil to pay. A little while later and I heard a commotion in the house, running in and having to kneel immediately because MsCarol had ahold of George by the ear and his arm twisted up behind him, forcing him downstairs with her. Diana was watching stunned form the couch with her yarn hanging through her fingers.

After they had disappeared in to the silence down stairs, she explained that George knocked something down in his room and was yelling, Carol had looked to the ceiling and in a normal voice told him to come down stairs. She didn't think George would be able to hear her but when he screamed out "you want me come and get me, bitch."

I pulled at my hair in my worry for George. I knew this was gonna happen, Diana sat next to me. "What's the matter? She's only gonna whip him again. You didn't freak out like this before."
"She's not gonna whip him Diana, she's going to break him. He pushes all his reformers to try. "
"Break him? Make him obey, change his spirit?"
"More or less. It is a ritual, a battle of wills, the dominant overcomes the rebellion. These things can take days, minutes, pain or no pain. Interrogation, Torture, what ever it takes to get the Reformee to take a cold hard look at his life and and understand himself, and respect the Reformer."
"Do they always end in respect? what if the person just doesn't break?"
"I don't know Diana, George is the only one I ever met who might be unbreakable."
"George? Is he insane? Criminal?" she asked with wide eyes.
"George does mean well, he just got himself twisted after life disappointed him."
"How?"
"First his little thrills when he got over on someone, when he could control or manipulate a situation. This turned into more challenging tricks, such as the auto theft. Then after MsSam, he had no respect for the law at all. " I stared into blank air. Diana worried herself back into her knitting. When I tired of staring i tried to watch tv, but all the dialogue seemed to tell me what was going on down stairs , so i shut it off went to bed and waited for George to be sent back to his room three hours later.

Keshathra Part 1, Chapter Six

2010-07-17T10:39:00.004-04:00

****Jerry****

Tonight I retired early, my mind was exhausted and my dreams, as they have been for the past three days, belonged to Spirit of the house. He told me of his love for Carol. He let me see her as he did. Now as I doze again to dream......

On the first day of Political Civics class, after the constitutions where handed out, I stood up with a commanding aire. Some students nervously straightened, some didn't , one shouldn't have. My mind habitually scanning each child for questions while I had them take turns reading it out loud. When they heard a piece and someone had a question, we turned to group discussion. I asked their opinion and whether or not it seems congruent with what they have already heard. Over time I was working them to truly dissect and discern law for themselves.

Some where bright, some self-serving, some with megalomania, one was remarkable.

Our class had been studying over the law making process when the reading went to Mis Lanel Anderson she was startled from an intense thought. Her eyes had passion and debate, she then looked guilty when she realised she did not want to read out loud and the suddenly stood up although embarrassed by her actions she was subduing her passion. She glanced around the room, avoiding me for a moment before locking eyes with me.

" Professor Gregg, I would rather just comment on this selection because I very much disagree with it's premise." She announced and the classes dull murmur intensified. I took my desk and invited her to please continue, and with a natural unstyled country drawl she began."First Off, why should voting rites be a free-bee for natural born citizens? The people who built this country earned their right to vote with their blood sweat and tears, they cared to and worked to , and intended to preserve that liberty of voting for themselves and also for us but if anyone who happens to be enjoy being born here gets that privilege without question of their patriotism and agendas while at the same time our government forces slaves and immigrants to struggle for the right to claim those privileges, is it not hypocrisy, and is it not a slippery way to allow corruption? Why shouldn't everyone have to pass a civics class as mandatory before they can have the right to vote instead of this class being a history elective, make it mandatory to pass before graduation?"

"Lanel continued, walking thru the isles, making eye contact as she preached at the room. I had never seen a more passionate run on sentence before. I made a notation in my grade book to encourage her to study speech and debate and take diction and or elocution training. She flamboyantly went on after she annexed the front of my class room.

"And here's anutter thang too...The government has the final say in our law making process but it's the people who pushed against or requested the law. Well when some laws don't work out right we are stuck with it until enough people petition to change it, shouldn't they be allowed to have a test period?
Then maybe after a test period of six months or a year, the law is put to public vote? I mean isn't that the idea of freedom? People or government suggest a law, government irons out the details, representatives vote on and enforces the law over the public. Now here's fairness, the people try the law for period and then the people vote to Keep, alter, or veto it.
We are a country, it is like a family only we stand when we are communicating and guiding each other with fairness."

I do believe the young lady swooned. Her passion left the room in silence. She just destroyed our patriarchal system and made them all wonder why they didn't have a say in government matters. Instead of preaching what government ought to do, she demanded why aren't we making government do it?
I perceived royalty coursing through her, mixed with great painful shame.

" She recovered herself and shyly turned making a polite curtsy as if to apologise for taking up the class time as well as for having a personal opinion
and started to slink to her chair. " Lady Anderson." I jeered playfully, the class giggled, she froze, then obediently turned to listen flushed with embarrassment. Her companion viciously observing me. " Your view is absolutely correct." Lanel actually flinched and nearly cried."Thank you , Sir." She moused still aiming for retreat.
"No, you should be able to be thanked, when you do well Lanel and also proud. Proud enough to know your view solid and proud enough to deliver it with correct passion. But more than that, proud enough to empower yourself, and in your right to believe in your vision.
" If you don't, Lanel, the people will never hear you fully and certainly never remember you next year when they could have learned much from you." The color drained form her face and she quickly recovered her young poise.
"I shall be excused for the rest of class." And with great regality she quietly left.
Within the moment my head was seized with telepathic force, and very clearly, very anonymously very powerfully ached these words.
"You ! Son of a bitch, how dare you embarrass her like that."

And then there was a lonely dark house and the buzzing of my alarm clock. Time for Jerry to rouse the troops for.... oh what is today balance on your hands practice?

****Carol****

I didn't work on Saturdays, yesterday was our cook out, and i just know my reformees always look forward to my Saturdays. No I am incorrect it is the Mondays they love best, and with good reason for I listen, examine and motivate them. There tend to be alot of incidents and joys on Saturdays.

Diana woke in a very stubborn obnoxious anger today, George is at his wits end and wants to act out again, and Jerry tries to preguess me. I hope he tires of that soon because if he doesn't I will be forced to put him in check before he interferes with my training of the others.

'Is there any reason why you are not simply paroling him?' My thoughts taunt playfully. ' ah' they continue ' you think maybe there is some use for his angle.. what , he can serve as a role model, is it?'
"Hush now. Peter. I am not about to be inappropriate with the child, I need to keep an eye on him as his mental powers are about to increased just because of your having contacted him. What is it you see that you would tease me about my motives?" I retort toward my bedroom ceiling, the darkness gives a laugh, and replies that it sees a man after his own heart.

And now it was dawn and I prepare to encounter the day the kids have set up for me.

Keshathra, Part 1, Chapter Five

2010-07-16T23:05:00.003-04:00

****George****

And then one afternoon her chore list started to become insane. Today I was to trim a 12 foot by 12 foot square in the middle of her yard, the blades of grass no more than three inches do use a ruler and sciccors.

It was not as tedeous as Jerry's chore which was to count each knot hole in the wood paneling of the livingroom, and then of the dining room and precent a ratio of which room has less...and how much percent less...etc.

And oh the Poor suffering dear Diana, who was to reorganise the kitchen, and while doing so to please also measure the diameter of each pan, and to cooerdinate their capacity to cook a triple sizing of a a single recipe.....oh it was insane.

Over a week's time we came to understand that each day will focus on a diferent educational skill. And oh wonderful today was math.

Diana really did enjoy her post in the kitchen, and Jerry found a sadistic enjoyment of his private jokes. Oh yes he and the Reformer have vibes. And today his chore was such as it was because he had made a cheeky remark about the craftsmanship of the house.

The Reformer was very personable, and it was not so much with her what you say but now you say it. And I can tell you from painfull experience at her hand she knows before you even speak what kind of mood your words are in, and your motive and intention.....that reformer gets into your head, and most of the time I find that if I am going to be slapped for it, did I even want to bother saying it, as as far as I can tell she never loses an argument, you cant get her goat.

For example her not so flawless rule three..She did not lose the argument but did conceed stale-mate by once announcing that she altered rule three to say "You will do everything I tell you to do or not to do." And thanked me for the inspiration to imply that 'all priveliges are things I have not yet told YOU not to do, are they george?'

I want to rape her.......oh wonderful, such a negitive thought the reformer will know about it....This place is making me crazy.

IN the evenings and during meals she is friendly with us and talks with us. Explaining her self sometimes. She lovves to talk. I am starting to concider non-combaticness. Either that or just do something completely idiotic just for some drama. But so far I lay low and obsere her, and as long as she's mostly out of my way I am enjoying myself with the others.

Then tonight there was a call in the afternoon, the reformer wanted to have a cook out in the back yard this evening, set up speakers and the grill and tables for the four of us and not to worry about greeting her at the door this evening. And so we dropped our otherwise useless chores and enguaged in this. Everything we set, and in progress with the reformer came out to the back yard.

No we did not move.. we continued as we where, no we where not intimidated because it had been my brillient reasoning to tell Her that this is not a room where in she was entering. And well there you go stale mate again. Thru our supressed snikers and bets walked The Reformer in cut of jean shorts, a tank top, her hair in a pony tail, sun glassess, and a lawn chair.

Silence was drawn from the crowd. And she giggles... YUP... that is the position.

I think what is worse for me is not knowing if or when she is going to retaliate for something I have tested her with. I have seen her chamber on a few occasions, twice over having intentionally broken stuff. And more recently for absolutly refusing to do the chore we had on the first day, I was supposed to turn over all the rocks in the drivve way. Well by god I did not do that chore, and my resolve earned me 20 lashes that needed stitched and a four day bed rest.

I dont feel lashes very much anymore, it is like a formal ritaul... aww now now.. does the reformer fell powerfull again? I have no skin left back there, only scars. And each one a victory. Each one a test of my soul, and of my loyalty to her.

I closed Jerry's agape mouth, "remember it carries whips. Those lusious legs support precious hips which stand behind and that perfect torso sways and those fit arms reach back and then you are in hell my friend. Beware the ones that carry whips." Jerry's such a masochist, I bet he jerked off to that image. He recovered himself and snorts back maybe to YOU George, I've only been downstairs once and we talked. Diana grunts at us while looking for a radio station... and after giving up she sat amongst us complaining that she has lost count of her trips to the basement and has just about had it.

The sun bathing reformer barely acknowledged hearing us. I thought to myself it is a fine time to vent and maybe figure this reformer out while feasting and dancing and mocking the reformer's unattainable beauty.

Maybe she is not so bad after all.

Keshathria Part 1 Chapter Four

2010-07-08T07:08:00.003-04:00

**** Jerry Ford, 18****

The past few weeks with Mistress Carol have been what I would call typical for George and myself. The Mistress assigned me to general inside house work, Diana to kitchen stuff, and George was set to tend the general outside work. Melinda had already been packed before we had fully settled in. George took the first room past the bathrooms and I took the next room after Melinda's.
I have had intense nightmares here. Although I do not think they where nightmares, but it is more proper to say, i have dreamed memories every night. And enough of them frightening enough to come as a shock to everyone but George.
He is my best friend, we went into the reformation after I helped him steal a car. I don't know why we store a car, I believe it was something George wanted to see if he could do. Fortune had it that we were incarcerated together at Mistress Samantha's home in West Fallenshire. Ms. Samantha was not striking, or wealthy, or elegant, but George responded to her. She was able to touch him to his soul. It was not explained to me whether Ms Samantha reminded him of any one, or whether her charms where just the key that unlocked George's self destructed sense of danger.
I have seen and absorbed allot over my four years time, and I can tell you, though it took Master Rob to break me, She had been George's true reformer. Ms Sam was oil to my water. I did not respect her, but because of George i did not stress her. A favor we both know he is karmaticaly paying now.
We where a wicked pair. Practical jokers, literal interpreters. Ms Sam had ordered us to dust the house. And so we did...rubbed our bodies, as much as we could reach over as much surface as could be mustered, and removed the dust.
She discovered our dirty antics, and with a face almost but not quite dishevelled, ordered us to go outside and shake the dust off our clothes. There was the opening George gleefully obeyed as I followed suit in stripping down and taking our cloths outside to shake them. She introduced us to the whip that day.
Ms. Sam, compared to Master Rob, was weak and forgiving. Yielding and Friendly. George was not the monster then that he is now. He, for what ever reason only he and his soul know honored Mistress Samantha, and was a model reformee. Until her leukemia took a turn for the worse. He sat by her side as much as he could besides running her errands, and forging partially guided status reports for the Department of Corrections.
But the one thing you cant forge is a reformation after the Reformer dies. And George will never again be the same person. He died with her. They separated us, i went to Master Rob's and he poured thru the minds of his next two reformers like fire on gasoline, and then he ended up with me again and Master Rob's, where he was beginning to be turned from his wicked ways over the last six months. But fate interfered too soon, i fear, when Rob's wife Tammy started to succumb to cancer, and we where transferred to Mistress Carol.
As I lay here in my newest bed, I can feel weight in the air. I can smell a sent that I cant identify. I cant sleep either so I turn my thoughts over to what led to the events of today.
It began typically, our assignments handed out and Ms. Carol's leaving for the day. Then in silence the three of us trudged about our tasks each in our own world of thought. Toward evening there was a call saying that Ms.Carol would be working late, we should eat and enjoy the evening.
George and I mesmerised Diana with our tales of self destruction. She told tales of her simple disobedience. Her Father was a very military man who insisted that she carry herself like a lady, and he ruled over her dress, and posture, and school grades. She could not have it anymore, she tested him at every turn the was openly disobedient. And from what i gather she ran away allot and finally he could not handle her and he would not compromise nor retreat, and she was sent away.
George flattered with his infamous...' don't you know, i am in complete control of the reformer' speech. the one where he boasts ' i control their moods, if i want them to have a good day i am a good prisoner, when i want to torment them i am a bad prisoner. But they do not control me.' Diana was easily impressed, why is why i think he told it with such thrill. But I to this day still don't quite follow the logic of it. Master Rob, had a fine day whether or not he visited his shed. We where all sitting in the living room, he and she on the couch and I was laying down on the floor in front of the television, which was off.
George told his flabergations and I reflectively drew on the carpet with my finger. My tracings turning into words the more outrageous George's tales became. I happened to finger "fuc...." but the letters vanished. I sat up and tried again.. "shi.." vanish. George noticed now and they drew in to investigate. "cun..." and it vanished for him the say way. Diana's face went ashen. "oh my gawd! " She whispered." it's true.. when i first got here every time i swore i got hurt." George smiled, and pridefully corrects her. "No that's cursing. Swearing is to make a vow or compact. Apparently there's no cursing in the house either." he retorts.
We where entirely engrossed with our discovery, we heard nothing until the front door closed firmly. We scattered to the fore room George on the left side of the carpet and Diana and myself taking up our stand on the right side. Carol silently observed us before speaking.
"Which one of you is responsible? Stand before me." Immediately i recognised myself and stepped out, close to Her. "I am. It is my fault we didn't greet you." "Why you?" she asked in the still of her voice. " I was showing them something...." As i explained i glances over Carol's left shoulder to George who had signaled me not to tell. She watched my eyes move and with hardly a movement back handed George and bore her gaze to me. "We .. we got caught up in the moment that is why we where not paying attention Mistress." There was half a breath before I got slapped as well.
"Jerry, your friend.... makes you into a liar." She'd barley completed her breath. George flashed his testing glare toward Carol's back and interjected "Thank you Mistress, may I have another." and she flashed again, this time grabbing George's throat and lifting him to his toes against the Door to the Den and held him. "I will not be interrupted, George. Speak out of turn again and you lose the privilege of speech. Am I making myself very clear to you?" By now his hands and both clasped on to her wrist and his face growing intensely red. He mouthed and stammered with little breath. "yes clear mastermadammistressormaam." And while focused on him she addressed the rest of us. "You will all wait for my arrival 30 minutes before i am due for the next week. Jerry, basement now. You two, corners until your summoned." And she dropped him and headed with me down stairs.
Nothing shocked me about her chamber, fairly typical as far as they go my eyes where keen and i knelt in place before she reached the bottom stair. She motioned to the desk and we sat. " What did you see Jerry?" I nervously rubbed my hands searching for explanation. "I don't know Mistress....I ..." i looked around the room, but my words weren't their either. Feeling silly I bit my lip " Ok fine... i...I ... Mistress, Is your house.... alive?"
She smiled. " Yes. His name is Peter Gregg. He has his own rules."
I was relieved to know i was not insane. She curiously continued."How did you get him to speak to you?" "I am not certain Mistress. I have been dreaming, memories, but they are not my own. This evening I was bored, and started doodling on the carpet and he would not let me write , um, certain words." She sat back and mused. "So, was Peter Gregg ever a man?" "Oh yes. He is a great man. He is my Reformer." I giggled, and imagined life forever with your Reformer.
"Mistress you will have to tell me the story sometime." "All in due process, Jerry. I issue a warning, do not make sport of your discovery. Do not play games. Do not provoke the house, and everybody will get along just fine."
"Of course Mistress. Something tells me there is powerful ju-ju here, and I will Respect your Reformer and You." " I am certain that you will, you are dismissed Jerry."

Emergency. Jett

2010-07-05T22:47:00.014-04:00

ekkkk the account at the place i was chatting at got itself canceled.

wicked cosmic irony.... now the person i was chatting with will have to come find me.

but *pouts* that means i'll loose the emails between us and he wont ever get the last one i sent.
And i do swear that i did not close the account but that it was unfair, the bot thought i was spamming , probably because i was sending so many messages to you. Or maybe because i advertised my own site. Or maybe because the magifnicant Internet Buddha, as he always intervenes.... suddenly changed when i made my praises and confessions to you about my perfect last three days. Buddha slaps me with impermanence each time i have a singular "moment".

It;s my id get used to it. And that vibration cannot be repeated.

I hope He finds me. *giggles*....

hours have passed.... leaves have flown....

Critical thought....what is wrong with this picture? Is it what you think it will be?
I don't know....

Well then i guess we need to start thinking and see.

*sighs dramatically*

I sit me poised as best can get and with narry a word a sigh or fret
I smile and be come our waiting fairy.......

I invite the he who may happen to be
one without doubt.

she waits and ganders all she sees and about her throat a set of keys
the inscription there for all who read is it gives to you when properly needs
they are mine to give, they pass this door to all the read i and we may dare explore.

if.....

*more hours have passed, my mind reels....i know i have said enough, i know i have given every tool .. every beginning, i have offered everything there is to know about me.... Quickly my thoughts switch to happier things.... increasing my imagination and thrill.... and into my head a new song pops... a liberation song....snapped onto the heels of my former husband's image....now washed away with a future yet untold.

the rhythm of my feet expound, the lift in my voice enunciate, and something real is sung.... or'e shadowed with fragility*

According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless. I can't do anything right. According to you I'm difficult, hard to please. Forever changing my mind. I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time. Even if it would save my life.

According to you, according to you.

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible. He can't get me out of his head. According to him I'm funny, irresistible. Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it.
So baby tell me what I got to lose. He's into me for everything I'm not.....According to you.

According to you I'm boring, I'm moody And you can't take me any place. According to you I suck at telling jokes 'Cause I always give it away. I'm the girl with the worst attention span. You're the boy who puts up with that.

According to you, according to you.

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible. He can't get me out of his head. According to him I'm funny, irresistible. Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it.
So baby tell me what I got to lose. He's into me for everything I'm not....According to you.

I need to feel appreciated. Like I'm not hated, oh no Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad, you're making me dizzy.

But according to me

According to me. you're stupid, you're useless. You can't do anything right.
But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible. He can't get me out of his head. According to him I'm funny, irresistible. Everything he ever wanted. Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it.
Baby tell me what I got to lose. He's into me for everything I'm not....According to you

you, According to you, you According to you

***** lyrics fade to silence as thunderous sweeps of time click by.....******

The date is july 7th.... yet not two days have gone by... the hour for HIM is now 6:30 pm. and she has not eaten...but had only smelt the possible tastes. The muse i have set upon with my novel is starting to take shape. Although i do not know wether His Jett will land.
I cannot be here tonight and might miss the plane enitrely, and to my chair permenatly alone be set.

Making Author's note cryptically... the next sceen i write will be....the responcibility delagations to Jerry, George and Diana.... intercommunications between the sub characters... and an increase in the sexaul tenstion of george... which will lead to a rearing up of his drug addiction. And as an author's future story note... We can see that Diana has father issues... but we cannot have Mistress Carol reform her completely because Diana's issues turn into abusive tendencies, which play out in book two which is already written, and will lead to her eventaul Re-Training/ Apprenticeship with Carol in book three. Book three is also the one in which i will be playing out the family life of James, Lanel, and Justine. but i have not decided wether or not i will include the other three Royal sisters.
George's future will include a proper and complete breaking and surrender to honner and he gains a vision for his purpose in life.....and too bad if i spoil it for the reader....this my sand box not my finished project. This is my blog where is disclose everything the plays in my Television show ... Of course... a professional oughten't ever tell..... but aw shucks i already have.

I will terry here, maybe the Emergancy flight got delayed.
Maybe he belives i am untrustworthy.
Maybe he has cognitive dissoncence about me.
i will rebegin my novel after i am very apparently sure that i go alone.

Maybe this one is not .... .... **** a breath of pause needs to have been read in****

My Master?.... ***you know me i always after edit****

He did know where i could have been found. His jet taxied into the wrong terminal.
but at least i can say he is here he is here.... i wait for his comments to appear.

Kehshatra Part 1, 1970, Chapter Three

2010-07-05T12:53:00.007-04:00

*****Carol*****

We retired that evening without incident, and without joy. Diana has not opened herself for company yet. 'Perhaps you come on too strongly Carol' my thoughts voice over. And I smirk toward the ceiling, I am going according to procedure, which is how I am being treated. Things will develop soon, I will be receiving two more nearly reformed charges the day Mel is scheduled for pick up.
'You'll have to pull out the harshness with Diana soon, won't you?' I ponder my thoughts carefully. No, Sir I don't think I will, what the girl needs is self expression and to respect limits. What harshness she needs, will be suffered vicariously. 'Sounds like a plan' and the velvet darkness of my room wrapped me with it's bodiless support. I lay down and re-play the days when I met Peter Gregg, in my memory.

We where in our Senior year of high school, Lanel Anderson and I. Part of the course of education that year was a Civics class which focused on Political Science, the History of Regal law and Sociology. It was 1957, I met Lanel at her locker on the first day of school just as we had met since 5th grade. She was sullen and I could her mother has been on a rampage with her, and her brothers and sisters. She was relieved to be in classes again.
"Lanel, this is IT huh...On our way into the big bad world." She mutely grunted agreement, although Lanel was typically every excited for her future, today she wasn't. I started to grasp her arm in a friendly show of affection but she grimaced when I touched her, she turned quickly to mind the organisation of books, in her other arm. I began to seethe, knowing her mother had injured her again. I watched Lanel mutely ignore herself, and me , and her dislocated elbow.
"Lanel! I swear to GOD i WILL stop her" I promise, and before she could protest I snatched her books from her and marched us to class.
When we where in 7th grade I discovered Lanel's secret home life, and tried to get the police involved to save them. But her mother was a master performer, had her kids well trained and all my valorous efforts did for them was increase the hell. Lanel made me promise never to do that again, to just leave them alone, be her friend and she'll press charges after she moves away. I could hardly abide that scenario, but did not want to loose my friend. We spent as much time together as we where able, and being Lanel's escape gave her a space to grow.

Lanel caught up to me in the hall. "Carol! If you try anything stupid again...."
"You'll what! What! Something has to make it stop. That woman needs to be put away. If you won't stand up for yourself, how about for Jake or Lee-anne?" I attacked, she tried retreating in stifled tears muttering. " But it will only get worse, cant you see that?"
I calmed myself. " It will always be getting worse, Lanel. Do you think my parents always hated me? No Matter what I did, it always gets worse." I paused to smile vindictively looking through Lanel toward the future." But you don't have anything to say in this Lanel. I WILL take care of you." She grabbed back her books and jolted thru the class room door. We sat in separate rows.
Professor Gregg entered the classroom and took attendance as we filed in quietly. He belaboured the uncomfortable silence in the room observing many of us who shifted in our seats, and tried to keep a respectful first day of class posture. Some sat straight, some crossed ankles, some adjusted notebooks and pencils, and some giggled amongst themselves.
"Class, " He began "I want you to pass forward your assigned school texts. And those of you in the back rows, will find copies of the Constitution on the back table. Please take one, each of you and pass the rest forward. In my class you will think with your own eyes open." He waited quietly while his orders where completed. Lanel and I glanced at each other, forgetting our previous moment we shared an amused silent giggle.
The room murmured freely. ' no text?' one girl remarks, ' how will we understand this right?' 'ah cake walk' another retorts. I sat observing the professor, who in turn was nonchalantly observing the class. I saw him smirk to himself and take notes. Lanel shifted seats with the person next to me, "what's going on Carol?" She asked.
"I am going to love this class, Lanel. I already read the text. And found it so politically biased it made the Constitution mere toilet paper. He really wants us to learn."

And my Memories fade into the black of sleep, and the days meld and the finally culminate with the arrival of a tan 1968 cutless sierra.

*****George Wiesnburg*****

"Another day, an other reformer. "
Jerry's hands tensed around the steering wheel he cast a sideways glare. I shrugged mock defensively. "What i cant help it , I'm TOO good. "
"You'll end up dead George. Look Master Rob warned us that our behaviours will be a reflection upon himself.. and he will suggest revoking my parole proceedings, I am not gonna let you fuck that up for me you hear?"
"Dude, that's all i do is reflect upon the Reformer." and I stared out the window as we passed a convenience store.
He drives us until we park behind a sweet barracuda, all tricked out and chromed.... it had a color changing iridescent red/green paint job. We sat drooling forever. But... finally i promised him that i would be on my "best behaviour" for him, and he was relieved.
We knocked on the door and I felt energy surge through me, and saw A woman in her early 20's, with long black hair, crystal blue eye, short....innocent Woman. I contained me ruse properly, and once we where invited in we produced our files and knelt in unison. She smiled coyly, and received them, opening each briefly before handing them back to one of the girls standing on each side of the rug in the fore room. I felt my eyes twinkle defiantly, and focused them upon the Mistress.
"There will be only three rules in this home. That is the position you will take each time you enter or exit a room where I am. And you will stand and kneel when I enter a room where you are." We respond Yes Mistress, in unison.
" The second Rule is that you will call me Master, Madam, Mistress or Ma'am. I am Reform Master Mistress Carol Wies." Here.... ahh here the break form reality. Jerry chants Yes Mistress, but i continue..."Yes Master Madam Mistress or Ma'am." Her pupils narrowed, " George, you will continue to address me that way until I ask you to pick one. I gulped sharply and straighted my face, "as you wish, mastermadammistressormaam."
"And rule the third. You will do everything I tell you to do. And I am telling you now there is no swearing in this house." Again... how dare she test me to weakly.....Jerry elbows me as he chants Yes Mistress... while I....
"Fucking-A mastermadamistresormaam" I absorb a customary slap.." But mastermadammistressormaam, I did not swear... I VOW that I never Swo..." then I am slapped again, landing on my elbows. I straighten myself as she is about to resume her mistressly poise.
" What is rule three George?"
" I contest your accusation that i broke rule three which is to do everything that you tell me to do...as I did something that you did not tell me to ,not do, and therefore I have not broken your Rule, mastermadammistressormaam."
" I said there was no swearing in this house, and I do not handle rudeness well. "
I became subdued.
"Jerry, You will retain all of your privileges, to include cigarettes but you may only smoke them in your car. But I will of course need to personally review your eligibility for parole. Master Rob, speaks highly of you Jerry."
" Thank you Mistress."
She dismissed us to find a room and introduce ourselves to Diana and Melinda, while The reformer quasi-dramatically goes outside to tend her garden. The Reformer's ass shapely and tight and completely unassessable. It's my personal motto never to fuck anything that carries whips.
"She's a hottie" says Jerry after stumbling painfully over my big toe."to bad huh?" The girls are slack jawed at our arrogance. "Why in the WORLD would to provoke Madam Carol?" Shrieks Diana in a muffled squeal. Mel just wiped her hands and sighed that she is happy she is leaving today.
"Don't worry ladies." I bantered. " I am a professional here. George master slave in the art of reforming reformers." I boast. Jerry interrupts."Never mind mister ego ... I am Jerry Ford." "Is that your car?" Melinda asks when all four of us made introductions. "Yeah, it was my 16th birthday gift.

Keshathria Part 1, 1970 Chapter Two

2010-07-04T21:21:00.011-04:00

**** Diana****

I took my time unpacking and complaining. What was i in a hurry for? Two years of this shit and I'll loose my... I slammed my finger in the dresser and stomped backward whimpering to my bed.
'My father tried to love us after mom died. But he didn't know how. He never hugged us or laughed with us. He just laid down the law. I cant stand the miserable bastard. ' I wrap my throbbing finger in my tee- shirt and pace the room deep in thought.
Around dark that girl knocked on my door to tell me dinner was about to be served. We went down the back way into the kitchen, it smelled wonderful, we set the brightly luminous dining room for the meal, via the back door frame just off the kitchen interior. The girl was kinda rude, I mean she didn't even tell me her name, just started barking orders about how to set the table.
Carol came in through the double doors, the girl curtsied bowing her head and scurried about her task, I stammered a bit but tried to curtsy back too.
In a flash of movement Carol was in front of me with a slap. "What is rule one?"
"but sh..."
"Rule one!"
"I am supposed to kneel when you come in a room." I sigh.
" No. You are to take that position every time I enter or exit a room. Did you assume the proper position?"
"No Mistress." I roll my eyes. She stood back with an expectant face, and I preformed. She looked over to Melinda who had frozen in her spot, and smiled nodding gregariously to her, which made all the tension drain from her face and she smiled in return announcing that dinner is served, and went Walking/ kneeling /walking once again through the back door. Carol told me to go with her. I walked, awkwardly knelt and stumbled my way to the door and back.
Dinner was roast and steamed vegetables.
"Diana how do you find your room? Cozy?"
"It's ok Mistress Carol. Boring though. I mean the rest of your house is so well done why not that room?"
" Ah, well there hasn't been anyone to have that room for a long time. While you are here you will be able to out fit it as you please. But you 'll have to earn the materials you want."
"My room had some drab walnut panelling when i got here. I tore that stuff down in a hurry. Didn't I Mistress?" Bragged whats her face whose room as been frilly and pink with a white deep pile carpet.
" Yes I believe it was within the first month. Had me put up that pink heartsy fartsy stuff. Which totally throws off my Gothic theme here." They laughed.
"You live in the dark too much Mistress, someone had to brighten up the place. Sheesh, I cant imagine who had the room before me what was he some kind of murderer?"
"A professional never tells." Carol coos playfully. I sat awkwardly , pecking at my plate until the girl stands and starts to gather plates. Carol motioned halt and turned her eyes on me.
"Diana, you are rather rude tonight. And very stubbornly refusing to do as you are told."
"What... you haven't said anything... i knelted and stuff..."
"Must I keep repeating myself. What is rule three? " i mutter back to her that i am supposed to do what she told me to." And did you?" to which i mutter yes. " Then pray tell, what is that girl's name?" I lifted my head and stared hard at Carol." And I shall be reminding you shortly What rule two is. "
She told that girl to continue serving the desert but not to me. I was to 'go find the spot' and wait in the basement for Carol, and was excused from the table.

The stair well was dark, but the basement grew more lighted as I descended the stairs. The basement has 12 high ceilings, it was not built under the house, like an afterthought, but it was instead a bottom floor built into the landscape. It was quite expansive, there some rooms, and offices positioned around the open center. Arranged around the middle where the reformer's chamber. I swallowed hard and realised I was a prisoner again. I've seen TV shows about reformers, there was a situation comedy about a house in Kingsington Heights. But... the reformer's chamber was always behind an ominous looking door, they never opened.
There was a table with two chairs facing each other. and near it was a padded gymnast horse, and an large Ex-frame whipping post, on the other side of the desk was... and i gasped stuttering when i realised i was staring at a rack. Something i thought went out last century. There was also a few locked armours and a few barren end tables near the other furniture.
I wondered what was the 'spot" I was supposed to find. I scanned the room and decided that it must be the chair. Once there I felt incredibly nauseous got up to pace, then I saw pair of worn grooves in the cement just past the foot of the steps. I swallowed again and took that to be my spot, and knelt waiting.

Carol eventually greeted me.

"Diana, what we have here is a demerit system. They will accumulate through out the day some of them you will be warned of and some of them you will have to figure out for yourself. But you will pay the penalty for each. There are merits to be earned as well but you will not be warned of them nor will you be able to tell me what they are for. I will consider your trying to tell me when I owe you as pure rudeness and you will be given what you don't want.

I do not handle stubbornness well , Diana. You do not have any right to your will here. You do not have the luxury of escape while you are here. I run an exacting home and all there is for you are privileges, never rights. Except for your inalienable human right to fair treatment and protection from abuse. I will make sure that you understand why, when you are punished. And when your discipline does not need to take place down here, I will give ample freedom to discuss the matter with me. But once down here, you will not have that freedom.

"Are you keeping up Diana?"

"Yes, mistress" my throat cracks. ' oh get on with it pompous bit-th... i grimace as the cement under my knees grows sharper."

"Very good then. For your rude disobedience You'll be whipped, then you will go introduce yourself to Melinda properly. Then, darling we need to go shopping for clothing." She instructed as if it was all a matter of business. She whipped my shoulders with a cat of nine tails flogger 25 strikes. And well the next few weeks when much like the first day only without the nice shopping and an increase to 50 lashes at a time.

Melinda proved to be a funny and caring person. Carol went to her other job everyday. By day she's a reformer, by night. aw shucks.. she is still a reformer. Talk about taking your work home with ya. Each day when it is time for Carol to return Melinda and I have to wait kneeling beside the runner in the fore room. Melinda takes up the position at the slightest hint of a vehicle ... or more appropriately not any vehicle, but that of a iridescent red/green Barracuda. She told me that shes been caught off guard before,' you think you have time but you don't.' Or like today you think you just made it but she takes forever to pull in. But normally it works out in perfect timing. She told me that it is no use trying the phone, it only rings the School, the Emergency Department, or Slaves life line. Which was an network of operators who took calls and handled Reformer abuse cases. I've heard about them, a few years back there was a case of sexual abuse in a Reformer's home, That Master got 10 years hard time for that, and could never practice law again.

I might not have rights but if this treatment keeps up I am crying fire fire. I've already hovered over the receiver when I knew I was already well beyond in trouble. So freaking what... you wanted your eggs like thaaattt instead of thiiiiisssss... OH she is pi..pi ...........* looking around to make sure i am not about to bump into something" She just makes me mad. She freaking whip crazy. just once something different please ... I'll give up television...shoot I'll do your yard for a month... just lay off the back... I cant even move lately.

The front door unlocks and Carol enters, we stand, Mel takes her coat and I take what ever is in her hands that day, today was just a purse and umbrella. We put the things away as Carol sat in her chair. We go walk/kneel/walking in and sit on the couch.

"Melinda, only four days left." The girl grins excitedly, as Madam continued " You do know I'll miss you, we had many worthwhile times."

"I know I wont be forgetting you Mistress. But I am very ready to go back home. Ill be starting my senior year, cant miss that now can i?"

"Lucky you Mel... I don't get to graduate."

"Who says you may not graduate high school?" Madam says to me. I shrugged and leaned back on the couch, a movement i spent the next few moments regretting. " I just assumed , because I am kicked out of public education."

"Diana your education will continue privately. You will just have to take your Civics Exam as soon as your home, it will count the same as Graduation as long as you file before your 20th birthday." She instructed referring to my mandatory term in the military of 2 years when i am 20. My father was drafted and just 5 years ago the former King announced that there was an increased need for soldiers, and set the formally volunteer female enlisted, to a mandatory draft. I will get to serve as a reservist because my sister will only be 15 and since my father is already on call due to his career I will be the only family member who can adopt my sister until she is 18.

"Are you ever going to open up and share your thoughts with us?" Madam says, drawing me from my pensive meanderings.

"Why should i Madam? What do you care?" I snort. She softly smiles. Mel clicks on the TV.

"It is your choice to stay stubborn, but it will be a very long boring two years for you if you insist on keeping to yourself. "

"I guess you have a point, Madam. I just miss my sister is all. I didn't want to leave her."

"But you did, again and again."

"I could always come back when I wanted. I didn't stay away long. Not like dad did. "

"What about your Father? Was it fair to him to let him..."

"Damn straight it was fair Madam. He practically deserted us... then he stayed in the Army when mom died.serves him right to worry... if he didn't have to be so strict and chill a while......."

"Diana, it is rude to interrupt. What we are doing now is speaking openly, i will over look some expressions of emotion but I will not be interrupted."

"Sorry Madam."

"Do you honestly think your father wanted to desert you?"

I didn't expect that question. Most people get all gooey and tell me he's hurt, he needs time, he's doing the best that he can... but. did he want to desert me? My father was a man of his word, he used to be so happy, i was his little girl once.

"N-no Madam I don't believe that he wanted to desert us. "

"Maybe he had to, because every time he looked at you he saw her."

I sat there stunned to tears and laid back stubbornly against the couch and stared at the television until we where dismissed.

Kehshathra Part 1 1970, Chapter one

2010-07-04T18:08:00.007-04:00

Authors pre-face.

Well here is my attempt to re-write my novel from scratch. I may as well give up the idea of a co author, but i will adore feed back. I am hoping the muse will settle upon and bless my endeavours, and that this will become prolific, and well organised, and i humbly request of my muses... FINISHED.

I am telling a story about three generations of people who live in a parallel dimension of Earth. The society, technology, and appearances of this world are similar to earth.

This is a world of strict order, culture, and noble humanity. The story takes place in the Kingdom of Keshathria, currently ruled by Queen Lanel. This is Her first term of election. The political system we have set up here is something of my own invention which i call a Democratic Monarchy. The particular ideas of such a system I shall endeavour to weave into the dialogue of the tales to come.

(not to mention the fact that i will have to study political theory when i am not writing so i can use good ideas for my system.. hence the desire for smart co-mentors)

To lesson my reader's confusion allow me to prepare you for the style of my narrative. It is told in first person, but i will be telling various parts of the story from each character's perspective. When i change characters their piece will be set off like this ....

***** the author****

So with little more to-do, and hopefully very little interruption, let's attempt now to write a novel.

*****Diana Khon, age 16*****

" I am Officer Tweed, and this is Officer Twum. We will be escorting you to Reformation, Ms Khon. " says the official dweeb as he opens my cell door and motions for me to go along with them.
" So." I spit. We went to the clerk of court's office in the Palace, where I am signed over into the officers' custody and my prison file is formally handed over to Tweed. His partner puts a firm steering hand on my shoulder and I am guided to the squad car parked out front.
After we have started to drive, Twum opens my file and groans.
" She's got another delivery." He says tiredly.
" You have got to be kidding, what is that 65-70 charges so far?
"Yeah and why is it WE have to deliver them? She scares me."
"Wanna stop for coffee before we get there?"
The men share a giggle... and started joking amongst themselves about their school days... and Carol. I leaned back crossing my arms impatiently, hating the world, esp my father. My own father did this to me.
Separated me from my little sister till i am 18 years old. She's only 11, our mother died a few years ago and mister military man threw himself into his work. I've practically been raising her on my own. So what... I mean really so what if I need to get away some times?
I saw Tweed glance back at me through to rear view mirror, I had been sitting there with a scowl, started thinking of my father and Tweed had caught me mouthing words inappropriate .
We where well out of town, heading for the country side. I stopped complaining and watched fields and trees and houses roll by. And started to ponder being a reformee. A prisoner for the next two years, I felt deserted. I started watching the trees and fields and houses making notice of landmarks. Maybe I could find my way out of here soon. Maybe they will never catch me. Dad couldn't keep me locked up. Besides it's not like I am some kind of criminal.

Twum poked Tweed's shoulder, and anxiously points out a convince store and mentions coffee and they pull in. Tweed gets out. Twum turns back to speak to me.
"We are almost to the Reformer's home. I'll expect you to come along calmly and to not put up a fuss. You are also expected to kneel to your Reformer the very moment they receive hold of your file. And this one *rolls eyes* The one your about to serve, has had Officer Twum and I take prisoners back to the car, drive around the lot and redeliver them. Over and Over until that prisoner had a better disposition. "
I did not keep from laughing. " So, what if I think that would be fun?"
He smiled both humorously and simultaneously nervously."Dear, don't make us get violent with you." Twum rejoined us and we left.

Though a long grassy drive way, over-canopied with oak tree branches, we wind. Then there is a well kept clearing of land and a majestic Tudor home, the house is dark red brick with high green shingled roofs. There are various plumes of wild flowers lining the drive, yet they not let to be wild, but in well manicured plots. I looked at the hollow of the trees behind me, and watched the light at the end of the row fade with the wind sweeping my face as I got out of the car. A rock formed in my belly, my palms sweat making my suitcase slippery. Twum set his soldier face on and again with the firm guiding hand on my shoulder. Tweed strikes the door chime, it's ring echoing into my memory.
Sounds. Hurried steps, the turn of the knob....A young girl.
"Hello officers, Mistress is expecting you."
"When doesn't she?" Twum snorts. The young girl, about my age I think invites us in then closes the door softly behind me. She does not look into my eyes. She goes into the living room, which is open to us in the fore room, and stands in front of a Lady seated in a Queen Anne chair. The woman tells the girl to bring us to the door frame, then she was dismissed. She pauses at the door frame on her way into the fore room and kneels briefly, then addresses us.
"Mistress will have the reformee delivered to the door frame, now."
Wordlessly the men firmly guide, my belly became cement. 'What the fuck is all that jazz? Oh gawd i got me some militant bitch. Yeah that is so just what i fucking need.'
I shifted my weight to my one leg, watching how ceremoniously Tweed marched in when she motioned for the file. It felt like slow motion. My belly started to conquer my rage, I was nervous.. 'i am supposed to kneel... i don't want to... screw her.... forget this.' The firm hand pressed comfortingly increasing my discomfort.
The woman now had my file, and my knees merely shivered. I kept my ground. She looked softly back down to her file and opened it briefly. Looked up at Officer Tweed and calmly stood, smiled. "Thank you officer I'll take over from here, we would not want that coffee to get cold do we?" The firm hand went limp on my shoulder. Tweed's smile straightened. "No Mistress, in this case we would defiantly not be wanting to stay for a visit."
" I should say not, Tweed. Ah.. memories." She purred.
" Indeed Mistress. Farewell." And the two men let themselves out. I'll guess the hollow of trees will let them pass, and someday me.
" Not Likely, Diana. I will give you to the count of one to hit the floor."
In a razor's passing of time my mind was seized, violated, silent. My belly twisted sharply and my ....well i just gave up and knelt ' did she.... i mean... could she.......'
She Cheshired, a hidden smirk. "Yes. That is just the position you will take every time you enter or exit any room where I am. You will also stand and kneel when I enter any room you are in. Am I understood?
"yeah"
"The second rule of my home is that you will address me as Master, Mistress, Madam, or Ma'am. I am Reform Master Mistress Carol Wies. Am I now understood better?"
"Yes, Mistress." I chant robotic-ally.
" The third rule is you will do everything I tell you to do. And I am telling you now, there is no swearing in this house." She went back to her chair.
" You may pick any room you like, but stay out of my room, it's there to the right at the top of the stairs. Please introduce yourself to Melinda, she will let you in on a few of my other to dos. You are dismissed, Diana."
I let her words blare at me, a rage of resistance swells my gut as I stand white knuckling my suit case for a brief moment, and turn to the stairs.
' so this is it, huh? '

**** Melinda****

Turning back from my door I laughed, 'i have heard that speech a hundred times if i have heard it once. ' Mimicking Mistress Carol's "there are only three rules in my house...." Speech. Diana glances disgustedly at me as she passes my door. 'Yup seen that face before also' Sucking in my breath as I reflect over my years here.
I lived with Mistress Carol for three years, I got here when I was 13 on a robbery charge. But I'll be getting out in a few weeks, going back home to live with my parents again. I'll finish school, and never see this place again. When I came there where four others living here. And Mistress often takes me to Peter Gregg's Reformatory, where she is Commandant. I have heard her speech and seen that reaction enough times to know I am more than happy to be leaving. I sure do hope I can talk wisdom into Diana before they are alone. I stare up to the ceiling and pray that Carol doesn't start until I am outta here. ' i am almost free,' I explain to the ceiling, ' i have learned my lessons, i don't need a reminder course in reformation, please please. '

And I tidy my room slowly, listening for Diana to come introduce herself as she was told.

****Diana****
I sought the farthest away place in the house i could find. Away from the door frame... away from the kitchen which was also viewable form the fore room. The first floor stairs where split with part of the stair way going into hallway that was used for a pantry, that opened up into a second kitchen door frame. The kitchen was bright yellow and green. Carol's door was closed and was the first door flush right at the balcony which was open to the view of the whole living room down stairs. Off the far right end of the living room was another double door frame, that opened to view a formal dining room, decorated modestly and elegantly with forest green velvet accents and rich dark red Mahogany furniture. The ceiling to floor length curtains where only partially slit open and I didn't see much detail in the dim light.
I walked the hall, passed two bath rooms, a bed room all on my right, and then the hallway turns to the left. On the angle is an open door, decorated and i hear music from with in. The young girl, whats her face, is laying on her bed reading a book.
There is a room right next to her door but I pass it also till I find the second set of stairs that lead up, to an attic loft. There are two beds with night stands in here , some dressers and armorers and two desks with lamps pens, and paper. A couple braided rugs near the beds, and a rough wooden floor. Dust in the windows. I toss my suitcase on the bed an unpack quietly.

Snooze Botton

2010-07-01T22:22:00.002-04:00

Dear Readers,

I absolutely have writer's block when it comes to attempting to discuss my personal affairs. I don't know how to go about discussing my feelings about my divorce. Or how i might annalise what when wrong in the relationship.

I know i feel liberated, and i am now happy and content with myself. I do not morn the loss of love or companionship. I am not sure that we have had these for quite a while. What i do morn is that i haven't a clue what healthy and normal are, when it comes to love. What i do morn is that when someone speaks poetry or romance with me as the object of desire and love... i cry.

I cannot handle being loved or wanted. I cry because it is like such beauty either does not belong to me or it is some kind of manipulation. I fear manipulation, i fear the poison of lust I fear being fooled again.

I have lost trust along the way to this divorce. I have forgotten how to love and be romantic. Frankly i believe I savor a life of asexual self union. Where the manipulations are at my discretion and i need not trust blindly in my methods, but i crave to know that the one i love i can trust completely and they will let me be strong and they will let me be weak and they will not be threatened either way.

I thought for at least 15 years that my husband was my other part. I thought we had the love of ages. That we where comfortable together. But it turns out that the pot nullified my sense of feeling as alone as i actually was. And for him the World of Warcraft and the drama of his friends provided his escape from the lack of support he felt i owed him.

When my intellect began to expand during the time of this blog, he was no part of my journey, he was no support to my pondering, and i had grown to develop and depend upon my self for my emotional support. Because he simply could not understand that it was that i needed form him. And i do not know enough about normal to explain to him how it was that i wanted his support. We had stopped being equals along long time ago. We had stopped being Compatible a long long time ago. We had stopped finding joy in each other .... and I moved on without him.

I feel that he kept trying to tie me back down to his world, and after a long long time his world became unto me a prison of conformity. Shackles of paranoid and out dated rules. The highest compliment i have gotten over the last six of these married years was that the house was well kept, that my cloths looked good, and that he liked to see me when i was excited and intellectually stimulated.

The last time we actually almost had beautiful well meaning sex, i had to stop it and cry. Cry because it felt very odd to me. Sex felt alien to me. And the beautiful feelings of having a partner care for me, made me weep because i knew it was somehow false. Love has become false to me.

I may love a person as a human, i may love as a mother, i may love as a teacher i may love as a friend... but i do not know if i am able to love as a lover. I know i need me some serious therapy as these things only intensified after a certain tragic happening i will not disclose here due to unresolved personal shame.

Sounds pretty freaking sad doesn't it? But despite that i am considering that perhaps the healthiest thing i can do for myself is not to try to get on the love kool aid any time soon. And to allow myself the recovery time necessary to become that person i have lost touch with over the last 18 years.

I am questioning my sexual orientation, as of late i haven't got a single giggly for a man's jiggly. But i am not quite cirten i can handle a woman's, though attraction is certainly there. I think that it means i am just not ready to have a real life relationship at this time.

I have heared that there is such a orientation called asexual.

Enough babbling about that for now.

I have of the past few weeks been reminiscing my novel but not gaining any inspiration for it. I have been involved at some BDSM sites, but in seeking a Someone, i have come across these mental barriers.. and want for friends, some excitement, but not sure about commitments.

I have let off study of N/A stuff. forget it. The drug counselor had to close my case because my job prevented me from attending their whiners group meetings three times in a row. SO i have nothing to prove to anyone who wont do their own objective research.

try www.orange-papers.org/ and grow your own opinion.

I am not in the proper frame of mind to discuss rationally about N/A. esp not in the same post where in i have peeled my emotional marriage scab for all to gaze at the putridness underneath.

Well i guess that's enough for now. *hits the snooze button again*

I am alive and well and feeling quite alright. I have cashed my first pay check in 9 years and am doing very well at the salad bar job so far. I have gotten a gold score on that math and reading stuff from last blog. And i am very pleased with that.

I am dealing with temptation for smoking and so far telling myself no, even though my job is filled with smokers and it would be fairly safe for me if i happen to lapse occasionally. July 8 will be 60 days.

I believe my kids will be alright. The only thing i have to fear at the moment besides relationships, is letting my husband emotionally manipulate me with his 1930's social expectations being used against me and causing a nasty divorce to follow.

other than that.....

*BZZ BZZ BZZ BZZ BZZ BZZ BZZ BZZ........THWACK*

i am going back to sleep.

Jessy

checking in

2010-06-05T12:37:00.003-04:00

ZILCH SAID Hey Justine- are you still there? Drop me a line or reply here.

I REPLIED FOR ALL:

I am still alive. I just havent had much to say yet in my blog. I have two projects I wish to write about but havent found my words. Such words are harder to find since I got sober (from pot y'know) Thank you for posting me.
The first thing is that I am getting a divorce in a year . Here ,we need a year separation to get a no-contest divorce. We had been married 18 years in july. seperated in may. I havent put it all together for bloging yet. But then these blogs needn't be ultra perfect or professional, and it seems my style would be to get on there and work it all out in verbal vomit. But I have been self conscious since sobrity. lol

And the second is I have been going to N/A. ( narcotics annonymous) And OMG... I could puke up a storm about that... garsh the irrational cultness....keeps me in rememberance of why I am agnostic. Why doesn't this world work for the rational? But I wanted to start that blogging off being able to confidently expound and "do" the 12 steps essay style.

Again isn't it more my style to do that as I go? Which leaves me only with a self confidence issue about writing sober.

hum

maybe I'll post this letter to my site cause I think it's naturally written and concise......

Thank you Zilch, I guess I have been neglecting my 2 readers...forgive me.

Jessy

PS. I'll be back shortly to work on my verbal projects. As i said words and writing inspiration are harder to come by but i am almost ready, now time to concentrate is a factor.

Currently I am taking some pre-GED style tests, and 7th grade math is whooping my arse. Actaully that is an old thought because last night I visited some new friends and got some tutoring and I feel more confident about ratios, precents, fractions, and unit conversions. Area and curcumfrence was always easy to me, as long as I had my formula cheat sheet near-by.

When I test this comming friday in Math, reading comprehntion, and reading for informations ( ie graphs and crap) I will get a token certificate that the employers who hire from this particular system use to determine eligibility. I might also be able to see a career counsoler and take aptitude test to see what I am qualified to be when I grow up. The system I am enrolled with could set me up to go to school in the feild I choose from the options presented thereof.

That's my plan B. My plan A is to hope my simple little salad bar job comes through this month. I will work there happilly and slowly ease into studying for Pharmacy Technition at me own pace preferably. And then make 50,000 dollars a year.

HAH! wouldn't it be the sweetest to get out in the world and make more than my ex-husband? To own my own house practically flat out in 8 years when my youngest leaves home and I give him back HIS house? (ahhhhhhhh)

My Latest Mantra is "If 40 is the new 20, then I am 17 and still have plenty time to make a decent life for myself because most 35 year olds, who are wise have by then established their future. Therefore so can I become established by the time I am 56 and still rather young" (it's not a mind numbing chant of a mantra ommm shanti)

Plan C? oh... well that one is not so sweet... I get on the welfare and give in to the sterotypical failure mindset and go back to smoking my life away.

I dont like plan C.... hopefully something better than that will present itself.

LOL

JESSY.

Happy belated new year

2010-04-03T22:59:00.002-04:00

*comes floating in, victoriously happy.... i have maybe found a chat home. A place where it is relevant that i exist. Filled with a small few with whom i may communicate. and LOOOOOK i am actually working on my friggin grammar and stuff.

I have received feedback of kudos from the critical public. and EEEEKKK much to my chagrin i am not worthy to hide away in shadows but somewhat enjoyable to watch flutter about.

Ahhh those evil wolfish atheists.....i may not be eaten alive but my fear can still retreat to muse upon "well roasted." Sweet rue of intimidation if i do say so myself. I will have to watch out for that one.

Oh dear reader.... i haven't told you where.

Ex-christian.net....

So color me happy. ((attention all new readers, dear. i am liable to change point of view and context at a moments notice. sometimes i'll start with one topic speak about an other and finish back on topic with no apparent reason. well lighten up.. this is MY sand box. you may help build the castle or stop kicking around my dirt.))

Darn i almost feel like that's all i have to say.

I have been practicing shortening my messages. And avoiding mystical explanations.I have been working on finding a testing Field for my ideas and dilemmas, and i have found a good place at Ex-Christian.

There are many Wise and patient and kind people there. Ex-Cristian dot net is a place where allot of people vent their frustrations and work our their angers and pains they have about deconversion and religious magical thinking.

People of strong christian faith also have fair ground to have their say. For the most part quasi intelligent open posts by anyone bring out first the helpful, then the questioning, then the public pronouncement of the regulars there.

They allow people to grow, adapt, and question. And Wooo Hooo i ME! and my warped brain has been accepted in that helpful and question and pronouncement stages.

SO just in case that gets me any new readers ( esp when i plug my blog at the next available moment) i will have prepared a nice new post to lure them in.

then.... *snickers*....

then as my dear captive audience...er readers all know....

then i will lose ALL credibility.... stick around it will be fun being well roasted!

jessy

Adam and Eve and 12 days

2009-12-13T15:54:00.004-05:00

Hummm....

There is no way I could type-ach-ly...Disclose all the things that have conspired since my last posting. I am sure that what I ever I would have to say will seem to be coming straight out of left field. And remarkably sure, but that is nothing new with me.

I am having several moments at the same time, you see.

Many different levels of thought one could amusingly get stuck in.

Lately I have watched some director's interpretation of John Steinbeck's wonderful human foray into the Adam and Eve story. Which gives the "mythology" certain validity beyond the talking snake.

Oh ha, how preposterous, them fools, believing in a talking snake.

Oh shame, oh thinker, who is so limited in vision that the ridiculous blinds him as he conquers "belief".

Also in my real life there has been the nursing of a TWO could be divorces of circumstances which , are nobodies bloody business... though I'd tell if it didn't just plain suck, and bore with drowning dramatic intensity.

one outcome of which was my quitting pot.

and i WILL to do so......(most of the time, now, seriously)

But i am imperfect in the face of the bore and stacking resentments that are natural to reality.

And I have been reading "The manipulated mind" by Denise somebody, and that Cialdini book "Influence, science and practice." I mistakenly bought the same book twice, so i have both old and new additions. These books are teaching me how easily duped the general human race is. And I wonder, why would a human be content with himself knowing he is so freaking Human? Would he not wish to evolve?

I have wondered that if I study too much, will I become like Freud, and hate humanity? I feel so alien to them now. I wish to be part of the Ex-Christian, site's regular posters.

So many of those chatters seen like very interesting folk, and with my desire to seek a god-positive argument, when I try to approach them they get defencive.

I wonder if god ever has this problem with me.. ermm humanity. And to Chat with these folk I have got to tone down my rather flamboyant and crazy writing style. But...i simply cant write well in a formal "clearly logical" stance. At least not without coming off as a troll, or a challenger, or a fool. Oh gawd, what if i am a crazy fool and my "questions" are impossible......

duuuuuudeee, i need a Zolft.

I have also been re-connecting with my inner self. And slowly growing, to be able to recreate the frames of mind that I so crave from .....Pot... the other master of me.

I have been meditating quite clearly upon some certain words.... but we will get to them later, maybe.

I am trying to stay on "topic". There is a dollar prize for the reader who has the eyes to discern what the fuck my point is.

But these days I would rather have my 1 yen, turned into 12 dollars American...sooooo you should wish I was giving a yen prize. And the yang will take care of themselves.

cooolllllllll......... for my devoted readers, that last bit is like a koan.......this is my hope for quitting pot.

I don't want to be a slave.. so I am teaching myself how to say no, to the impertinent guest and be a Host in my house. Now some, will know i am "cheating" today. But I think of this as training wheels. and besides it IS my birthday!

I can have the stuff, and STILL say no. It is my one toke test. Though I will confess it has been 15 days since I failed the three day test miserably (nic bag= 3 days, not bad; nic bag= 3 months, priceless)

SO lets talk about Adam and Eve for a while and how it is that God had to kick them out of the "garden". But it is ok to visit But only after they set up houses...... I mean that I can live sober and take authority of the actions of me. And to not let my senses be pulled about to needful panicky extremes. And calmly say No to my Other Master

WHY should I give up my freedom for the illusion of "connection", greatness, art? And why should it be that the only way to best enjoy such of my human mental attractions, be under YOUR control?

See I figured pot out. He can only employ mind control techniques on me; but I think I should have access to my OWN mind on my will, not His. I have sold my creativity and enjoyment of games, and the interactions with ultimate reality to the whim of my Other Master. What.... if my dealer isn't home, i simply CANT understand, connect, write, be motivated or LIVE.........WHAT!

IMPERTINENT GUEST.....I am Master and creator of YOU.

...

These are some thinks I like to dream upon and create weapons to live sober by willing force. This is why I had to be kicked out of the garden, and have my offering rejected.
So that I could be productive.

And man, I enjoy my functionality while sober. I had never been able to be free and though sometimes pure rebellion or irresistible opportunity wins over pride. Most people call that a cheat, or a failure. or ekkkk a relapse! ... especially because they have the same fault, and if EVERYONE would just behave in their perfect idea of "how things ought to be" (especially themselves) there would be no damned-able problem.

This is the nature of WHY humans need personal individual freedom, and need to balance law with considerable circumstance. This is what I mean by "there is no such thing as zero tolerance." Perhaps there is no such thing as zero god, but every thing we label and try to attach "god" to is false.

Could it be because....well........this will sound odd but....maybe this physical place is evil, and purity CANT, operate in this realm a a whole self but needs people to do the dirty work. (i might mean rather that god both acts and creates itself via our evolution) .... hence all the "rules" the physical people must go through to reach objectives. Things like meditation, diet, philosophy, logic, and pain. Perhaps we suffer so and god won't fix it because we actually need it to evolve?

(post edit. hum it seems i can be countered with the question of am i suggesting that if we find a proper way to exist here and relate to the higher self; IE the right religion trademark; that we should be able to not lift a finger to create our will? And that is a fine observation, but aren't we already attempting to remove the human work effort amongst all our other world domination desires?

So nature is as nature does. If i was better studied in philosophy, I wonder if I could reason that telekinesis and technology are to human Being as knowledge and the understanding of functionally is to God beingBut i am pathetically daft at defending my poetically rambled of preposterations. _ end edit)

And the clearer in mind, the individual who "GETS, it unto them self" is as if removing more and more veils that separate purity and evil, knowledge and ignorance, control and freedom? Now purity does not necessarily have to MEAN, lack of bad things happening. Many times no matter how non psychotic and perfectly logical you fancy yourself, favorable conditions with favorable meanings simply happen.

Hence all things ever created by humans, all mind-sets, all views are sacred. They all combined..... well it...... and this might sound a wee bit odd.. but they might be that thing that would be god.

Hummmmm

SO like, We are the act of omnipotence yielding to limitation and ignorance.....ya know just like that Jesus Claimed he did.......therefore.... WE evolving is conquering the "other Master"...erm..........wait for it...........

hummmm

damn i love my "functionality.".... but i honestly would prefer to live sober... this has been a nice trip to the garden of no sin... but dang it I have to live in the sinful..er real world with all the suffering I need endure. Or I can simply change the way I view things with the power of my own functioning entertainment machine that I just demanded back from my, impertinent guest! ((IE gimme back my remoteGod kicking Adam and Eve out of the garden of perfection is because.....that was the only way "god" could communicate with himself. But somehow individual egos took over........... that's not easy to explain and mankind has been trying to get the words out for all of Anthropology, Psychology, Biology,, Physics and Cosmologically for-ever.

But the "it according to you" has it's own eternity. Man may only guess what it is for others, and hope he builds well his own.

Well it is time for me to proof read, likely when I come back my vein of muse will sifted into another gear. I do hope my humble ramblings might paint something and that be beautiful to you, as it seemed to me when i thunk the thinks with every fiber of my being. ( hint it was not here during my typing... nor even in the anxious fearful re-readings due to follow)

My wishes for the best to all , until i see you again.

IZM....

IF i had guts.. or would it be stupidity?

2009-08-26T19:09:00.002-04:00

Because it would certainly be comprehended as both.

But then , maybe that's what the student-type ought to do.

OK.... well here is the scoop.. i found a decent place where the id's discuss buddhist stuff. And myself , in the deluded wisdom of my inferiority complex, feels that it would be highly trollistic do simply spatter unannounced, uninvited comments or questions....... esp with any of the presumptuous names i would chose to be commenting with.

And since i am all cynical like or bouncy or acquisitive...... i think that if not that i should boldly put myself out there in introduction, i would surely be rejected for a know it all fool by the very skilled company in these parts.

And frankly that would deeply pain and crush my sweet little illusion that i might have found a place to sharpen my sword, and try to express if i have understood correctly.etc.etc.

IN that introduction i am sure i should brag... like a child..... and perhaps betimes show potential but not quite so....... a fledgling.

I do not come here to be smart though you will notice i take pains with trying to appear clever. But i am not afraid to admit when i am in error.

AS for Buddhism i have merely read a bunch of zen stuff, and dun a spot of sitting. i have also studied Hinduism. although a wee bit more in-depth as it seemed to suit me better.

But this buddhism..... technically i can hardly understand the words of Buddha... but in contemplation i seem to know.

But there are also strange and sarcastic doubts , resistances........

well i guess that's just part of this journey .. But i have been out of practice and out of Buddhist study for a long while ( er a bit for those who are better with the dedication that i am) And recently got turned on to the study of no self... i remember this mental rumble... and that i favored keeping my ego...
and then i went off into the world and dug into the whole atheist V. christian thing and then decided well...... perhaps i am a agnostic and a mystic dreamer.

but lately the path of figuring out logic, brought Buddha into mind...

was His logical? and I am pitiful and unskilled and cant even answer that question. even if i said well yeah no duh.

As for no self i think the clearest i got was....either what i think i is... it is non-existent .. un-provable just like god...... but i have already heard form someone that is incorrect.

so i thought this existence is not ......... then i figured i needed a break form this and picked up the Surangama Sutra..... i absolutely hate this sutra.

sounds like Buddha is presenting false delima and.. well isn't he unable to be disagreed with or Wrong, like a cult leader? I want to understand how come it is logic and must logic be the shiznit? COULD it be a sort of deception because we are crafty and ignorant?)... ( see, some of my questions are strange i have said.. are they serious ones? well... we'll see it if slips away.)

so as you can see i am pretty screwed up.

I wonder if you all wont mind if i try to grow feathers here.

IZM

But *clicks tongue* too bad i don't have the guts and or stupidity to post this.

buy the way if deemed a troll be thankful i am not an obnoxious one.

what is there is no self either

2009-08-25T13:46:00.002-04:00

insanezenmistress : i am desperately trying to learn this critical logic
shit

RaaN : it should be taught... but the powers that be would rather everyone
just believed and didn't think at least not for themselves individuals are
the bane of authority,sorry.. undeserved authority

insanezenmistress : ... ya know we pretend that aliens who are more
intelligent that ourselves could come and take over....... but why haven't
the few intelligent among us taken over? i can't even properly judge my
fellow man's ignorance because the powers that control us have never let
me see what we are capable of.

RaaN : It's the first law of management.. there isn't any
insanezenmistress : no law of management?
RaaN : No management. People believe in conspiracies because it reassures them
that even though they are terrible at least there is some order and
control.
insanezenmistress : better the demon i know?
RaaN : not exactly
insanezenmistress : yes i like to think there is a structure that one can
infiltrate but in my clearer moments i think the beast is too
large.......... it must be random i mean they don't hire people to draw the
sublimials and there is no government office in charge of making sure the same satanic symbolism gets repeatedly used in corporate logos.

RaaN : strange attractors the brain is a pattern making machine. seeing
patterns even when there are none. Primitive thinking; the critical thinker
does not believe. Have i sold you on this belief is bullshit idea yet?
Don't believe me that its true but find out for yourself.

insanezenmistress : nearly. no more talking i need to think out loud.
RaaN : pllrrt......
................................................................
RaaN : i never underestimate the potential of human ingenuity..

insanezenmistress: i don't...it is a question of time and evolution..(an
intellectual kind)

RaaN : i consider ignorance belief and so forth to be anathema to the
species.
insanezenmistress : i am not sure i can take a harsh view of belief.... i
can note the flaws but who is to blame if you think in limited extremes..
not the book... not the metaphor of human philosophy.

RaaN: i don't blame any book.. just believers. The speed and capacity of
computer intelligence doubles about every 10 years, at that rate around
2030 a computer will meet and exceed our brain capacity.
insanezenmistress: why should we depend on the thing we create,and devalue
the mind of man?
RaaN : it's a tool
insanezenmistress : we will not use it as a tool
RaaN : Brain-machine interface will have to keep up with the advances
insanezenmistress : i am so not down with that
RaaN : too bad cos it's fairly inevitable.
insanezenmistress : i know we will take the lazy way out
RaaN : you are interface with a computer right now
insanezenmistress : yup
RaaN : so what aren't you down with?
insanezenmistress: and though we have computers feed us and clothe us and
keep track of us....we would give up human beauty, the development of our
natural resources as well as intellect's natural unification's of our whole
minds and enjoy life. we will still not have evolved
RaaN : bullshit
insanezenmistress : we will still kill
RaaN: that may be true or not
insanezenmistress: we could reach higher
RaaN : the evolution of technology is what it is.. the artist will use the
tools
insanezenmistress : sure, and i am not thinking of abandoning the
machine. But, human evolution is not technological invention.
RaaN: says who? the true technological age is still in its infancy but as
it grows so then does science and reason become more difficult to refute.
insanezenmistress : reason is not human totality. humans are not just
reason
RaaN : no but reason is entirely compatible with true spiritual
enlightenment
insanezenmistress : is it?
RaaN : yes
insanezenmistress : when you take your enlightenment with a computer chip
and mnemonic device it is cheating.
RaaN : no, i didn't say that;but basically irrationality is actually
incompatible with true enlightenment'
insanezenmistress: But that is human NATURE. so them zen masters did have
a perfect logic when they told fairy tales or tugged a bell prior to the
enlightenment of another. That kind of logic is not provable not in the
realm of science and reason.
RaaN : to go beyond reason as one does in spiritual awakening it is not
the same as being irrational.
insanezenmistress: explain please
RaaN : and to go beyond reason one must then know the limits of reason
insanezenmistress : yes
RaaN : what is beyond reason is not nonsense
insanezenmistress: ok
RaaN : Zen masters use a form of teaching to enable a student to reach the
limits of reason and see beyond it but the Buddha was eminently rational.

insanezenmistress : when a person attempts to communicate what is beyond
reason it can only come forth in symbol and wordless meaning or in
mythologies... analogies for this thing the speaker is trying to share granted at the point the notion enters the other mind it is already
delusion but if looked into purely it might reveal the underlying
beyond-ness
RaaN : there are many methods.. they are practical.. they serve a
purpose.. and end.. beyond that end once achieved they can well be
discarded
insanezenmistress : yes but my point is to what good is belief... as a
pointer not the act of believe, i mean the story of it
RaaN : it isn't. To believe is to assume an idea as factual and true
without evidence proof or rationality to believe is to cling to a view

insanezenmistress: .... when i say i believe perhaps i mean i can align my
intention into the mythology.. like i can use a jesus parable to express
a deeper lesson and give jesus the credit. i guess i see belief as method
RaaN : No rational person of sound thinking clings to any view but adopts
it as a practical tool pending some more efficient or complete view.

insanezenmistress : and argue for the legitimacy of the method of the
story/method used. But we all cling until we can't, well we cant start off flying can we?
In the perfect atheist world, little children will read stories about
unreal people in untrue situations to engage them, even play with the
imagination to instill a moral or idea. How is religion different except it
is misused?

RaaN : Many concepts are better explained by use of analogy or simile or
metaphor it is the clinging to a given view that is irrational
anti-enlightened.
It is perfectly natural of a human being to employ tools of
whatever level complexity.
insanezenmistress : ok so normal that i pray and it helps me process
shit.
RaaN : pray?
insanezenmistress : openly converse with myself
RaaN : you call that praying?
insanezenmistress : well i express emotions and comfort, faith etc. what
ever
RaaN : you mean out loud?
insanezenmistress : yeah
RaaN : so you talk to yourself
insanezenmistress : sure
RaaN : move your lips when you read too? lol
insanezenmistress : nope
RaaN : i think to myself but the only time a talk out loud when i'm on my
own when i'm mad...err angry
insanezenmistress : so its ok to externalise and pretend but delusion to
belive in it as outside and all important.
RaaN : Maybe it's just therapeutic to pretend
insanezenmistress : yes. i guess we are all like that..........the
disdainable part is what happens when ego gets involved; is that what you
mean?
RaaN : Depends on how you happen to define the ego.
insanezenmistress: When i should think to myself how important i am that
god talks with me.. and how i have some message to get them to
understand.... i need to blah blah blah
RaaN : i'd say believing any of that would be going in the wrong direction
insanezenmistress : Me too but sometimes it is fun to groove on it......or
in some way psyically or physically meaningful at the moment. Like to
get something written but obsession is OUT.
RaaN : No i mean believing that you are talking to god.
insanezenmistress : well god is the only word i know for it really....
RaaN : thoughts arise, actions occur... believing there is an I that does
it .. is just a belief
insanezenmistress : if there wasn't the body would not move. believe has
nothign to so with moving my body.... i can believe the arm will move but
unless the I lifts it in obdience to belief it can't move... er wont move
of my doing... it could be moved but that is belief also
RaaN : a thought occurs to lift the arm and the arm lifts
insanezenmistress : if i chose
RaaN : you huh?
Better look into that
insanezenmistress : ....
if the arm is moved and not by my thought.... wait, the
thought of the pusher of my arm moved
RaaN : you control your arm you control the thought to move your arm.
insanezenmistress : ...lighting my ciggarette and i chose that over waving
my hand.
RaaN: you control the urge to think to move it who controls the you that
does this?
insanezenmistress : i suppose some people would guess it is god.
RaaN: so all your actions are acts of God?
insanezenmistress : kinda, but i don't know how to respond.
RaaN : it's pretty basic.. if i am in control then do i control my
controlling?
insanezenmistress : yes
RaaN : and control my controlling controlling and control that?
insanezenmistress : ok so it goes on.... that must mean it is error.
RaaN : ad infintum how do i get anything done at all?
insanezenmistress : will..you stop the mind
RaaN : do i think.. i think i'll think this thought as i think the
thought? do i decide to decide the decision i am making as i decide?
insanezenmistress :perhaps we do making infinite decisions it is borne
from an impulse....you think the goal and your mind sets about showing you
how...it is fast
RaaN: we don't. The control seems to me pretty much a hindsigth idea.
insanezenmistress : *sigh*
RaaN : no-self
insanezenmistress : what is I
RaaN : not-I......
insanezenmistress : is it the same It for each of us therefore not
individaul? AS in 'you are as much I and i am unto myself?'
RaaN : how do you know I have an I?
insanezenmistress : because of your conscience.. it differs. ...weird that
contradicts huh? it differs because of your view... also you have an I
becasue your knowledge is other than mine and when we agree it is the same
as mine....
insanezenmistress : er scratch that
RaaN : all you see is words on the screen. i could be a spontaneously
arisen program that mimics conversation taking random parts of existing
words from various source according to an algorhythm based on your input; in fact that is really exactly what this you call me is.
insanezenmistress : hum, a feed back loop but, no i thought i meant something different.
RaaN : it's a belief
insanezenmistress : hum
RaaN : A belief in self is ego. Ego is as self with a history. Zen is the
direct pointing at the true nature of the self beyond words and
scriptures. The true nature of the self is no-self..... no-self no-other ....but if
you then say all is one you'd have gone off track.
Imagine all you see is appearance only.. no actual substance behind
it.. like the matrix only no reality to wake up to.

insanezenmistress : you and i are feedback loops of the same infinite
knowledge.
RaaN : that part is easy
insanezenmistress : woo hoo..........

..................................
RaaN : next imagine there is only appearance but nobody seeing it. the appearance is not an appearance of anything nor appearing to anyone
but as appearance cannot be appearance at all

insanezenmistress : sounds like babble.

RaaN : not anything appearing and not appearing to anyone it cannot then
be called appearance but it is appearance only.

insanezenmistress : i just thought, maybe where this leads is the
appearence is in our imaginations
RaaN : whose? no one there looking.
insanezenmistress: mine when i imagine for myself. our's when we imagine we
wake up in a creul world. (this "no one looking is going " bit is going to come back to haunt
me when it comes around, isn't it?) . I look, don't * I count*?

RaaN : that's a belief
insanezenmistress : hum...then what do i see; what do i rationalise?
RaaN : what proof do you really have that there is a self behind your eyes
looking?
insanezenmistress : science shows how all "things" are parts of larger
orginisums. all things have symbiotic function within larger things. our consciousness sould be a thing within a larger being
RaaN: Meister Eckhart, the christian mystic said "The eye with which I see
God is the eye with which God sees me"
insanezenmistress: yes yes
RaaN : think instead that the I that sees that is that which is seen
insanezenmistress : ok..
RaaN: that trying to find where the seeing is leads to realizing that the
seeing is all, without any seer nor any seen
insanezenmistress : yes and that is why we can share ideas
RaaN : and yet we can't latch onto this seeing as some ultimate oneness
insanezenmistress : no.........we cant.........
RaaN : becasue without an i seeing or a thing seen how can it be called
seeing at all?
insanezenmistress : ok
RaaN : see?
insanezenmistress : i dont know
RaaN : lol
........................
RaaN: With no substance or person of god behind experience and no you or
self experiencing there is only experience itself except with no you or
i/it it cannot really be understood as experience
to asnwer you question.. this self is an illusion so is substance or
concreteness
insanezenmistress : i could just as easily not be. anti conscious: and
whos to say that state does not have its own awareness.
RaaN : an illusion caused by the nature of phenomena which fully seen and
the illusion seen as such, is not even that anymore because as soon as you
say the phenomena is real or that you see it the illusion of self and
substance comes back.
insanezenmistress : alright... yes..
RaaN : without being fooled by the illusion anymore the mind thinks the
body acts events occur.. words are spoken responses are given emotions
balance.. the natural tendeny to heal.. the body the mind and the minds of
others naturally occurs.
insanezenmistress : ... i suppose this proces brings a flowing *perfect*
harmony to ones living.
RaaN : go with the flow.. is not you going nor anything flowing
insanezenmistress : yes...ok just its been a while since i looks so deep
at 'there is not an i' that goes with the flow and ascribs meaning or
intent....: ekk my brain is tired
RaaN : the heart beats the lungs breath the mouth eats the body ages death
happens.. nothing is lost
insanezenmistress : a neumonic device might be a loverly gift from satan
about now ...

(((((PS.. i'll have to try spell check later casue it is on the frizt))))))

what if, there is no i

2009-08-24T10:28:00.004-04:00

I am not sure i will be able to recreate the essence of the conversation i had yesternight, but i will try.

I suppose it was an extremely logical direct conversation. But there is the end of it which i cant think is true even if it is logical. That being i am not I.

that appearance has no form; i am not seeing.
my Brain flips over and i think in terms of if that then this...... and this is borne of the implication of that and that and that.... see things are...

But he would then drone on in what really appears to be a circular kind of logic that ends again with there fore i am not.

baffling.

so i exist in my end of not-ness, wondering if there is a flaw in logic.

because no matter how true a thing is... it's implications don't seem to be my experience... it seems i cannot effect my reality according to my will if i am the seeing and the seen. Yet i sometimes see how my reality is completely the one i made. baffling.

hummm

well i know i am off some but... i hope the person wont mind if i quote him and poke at his effigy for all my two readers to see.

*was side tracked... it seems that i accidentally killed my praying mantis female. see i have them roaming freely in the kitchen to help with the roach problem. I am really hurt....

But i pondered as i was taking her nearly lifeless body outside...... was it nerves twitching or was it life?.... and recalling how firmly a human can hold on to the bear is-ness of life, sometimes by shear will when all means are exhausted.
I thought...

this bugs life force. it's conscious.. its will to exist as it is............ is it not the same as my own?

That superiority of race and morality infest themselves as an after thought... This creature's impulse and images of staying conscious are the same as mine. This critter might not be able to think to itself and imagine great poetry's about the winds and the yummy grasshoppers of its youth............ but then one cannot say..... i don't recall being a praying mantis.

unless.... in that whole written experience of what a mantis might be. i have made the appearance of a thing experienced as mantis......... and in the time that i physically experienced the mantis it was and i was it.

now i am not mantis...yet she... the mantis..... continues in her experience of either dieing or recovering in the grass.

i assume.

see that person i was talking with kept marking a place called.."belief"

i guess i am still very tripped up on apparent duality.

brb.....

Quothe.
" insanezenmistress : Wouldn't the world have to give up personal freedom to have the same logic.
RaaN : knowledge is a living thing as vital as humanity itself.. it grows and changes and self corrects... plenty of room for freedom.
insanezenmistress : individuality is akin to personal mythology. Is a personal belief system disdain-able? ( here observe the word disdain-able is to due with the author's not disdaining belief in the way as the Opponent.)
RaaN : true.. you'd have to believe you really exist
insanezenmistress : i think ; i believe i am part of an existence; and it is my perosnal mythology to fancy a war with my bugs.
RaaN: remember no-self.... phenomenology.. how seeing is not found in the eye or the object or the light between.

RaaN : you can alter your way of understanding things to suit a given problem and just as easily discard it in another case.. that's freedom.... however to abandon your senses and lose your integrity would be irrational if not insane.

.......................

Well.... so lets think.......

seeing is not seen in the eye.

at first glance we say to ourselves...it is obvious that i see what it there... right?

then he goes.....

RaaN : association by similarity is primitive infantile thinking btw.
As a child i though the clouds made the wind.. and the trees, cos i'd see them wave.and when i waved a branch it made wind.
insanezenmistress : and Do you think i am engaged an association by similarity in another way?

RaaN : well thinking that having a rational mind would prevent people from having individuality and freedom, that's kind of a nonsequitor. Critical thinking is a learned skill eh.
insanezenmistress : oh hush

........

yes i got stomped ...
well as time would have it i shall have to copy and edit this conversation later on.

Leaving you a Cliff hanger.... in the mean time read the Surangama sutra.....TWICE!

THEN

Ponder this segway quote from possibly the same Person toward another person that touches on the same ideas here expounded.....

""Not-self" does not mean that the personality does not exist, and it does not mean that people are unintelligent and can't talk. It means that there is no being or entity in the midst of those mechanisms and experiences.

Any time I've asked you to demonstrate that there is a being present or necessary for you to have experiences or to talk about them or to feel that you exist, you either ignore the question or give a self-referential answer, meaning that you use the question as the answer.

For instance, if I ask you "how do you know there's a self responsible for you talking" you will say "well if there were no self I wouldn't be talking." That's not a proof, just a belief. I've asked you to tell me where the self is and what it looks like.

Use famous methods for either showing that there is nothing there behind the concept of self, or forcing the person who sincerely answers the question to give a detailed explanation of what constitutes self. You do neither.

You either give a vague answer like "the whole universe" or "the universe looking back at itself in the mirror," or else go back to stating that the fact that we can do, think and feel proves there is a self, which it does not.

Your mystical experiences are valid in their own right, but there is no rigor in how you connect those experiences with the concept of self and not-self as used by Buddhists."

*groans... wait till next blog....*

A time to Chill

2009-07-30T21:06:00.002-04:00

Gentle Reader;

I think i have said all i got. I got no new thoughts or need to explain.

My real life has become worrisome and i am in a bit of a depression, and frankly i have nothing to think about that would not come out as blah blah life sucks blah blah....

And my readers have had quite enough of that.

IF i have a new thought i'll be back.

I am finished with the conspiracy shit... that fear has been replaced by "will i have a home in five months?"

I have been playing a very mindless game on face book....

but my smile is real so don't worry. I just need to not think for a while.

try and apply all the mental stuff to my actual life and maybe get my muscles in shape, and focus on my home schooling again.

loves and good thoughts to all

Justine IZM....
(psssst i am very likely to respond to any co-mentors just i don't wanna pontificate anymore for a while)

Situations

2009-06-10T21:49:00.003-04:00

I have watched a movie called "Home".

Is there nothing that will be done?.... is there nothing sacred....is there nothing that we have not done?

Seems quite a shame that .....

oh why should i bother.... what do i expect me and my possibly 6 readers to come up with some solution?

Well yes... frankly, i do... but should we never get to implement them, shall we preserve them for some future?

Perhaps our writings can be the next 2012 disinformation.

I should hope that the size and the changes our climate will be going thru, coupled with the mass die offs from pandemic and starvation, should SHOULLLLLLDDDDDDD........leave some pockets of human survivors.

(funny how the first time we lost lots of achent knowledge, it was the Christians who dun it, but this time we will loose every scrap of knowledge save what fragments have the fortune of being either set in stone or put in the right clay pot. but it is the Capitalists and the Communists, and the many others just trying to compete with Western rape of humanity.

I would advise the person who finds what ever copy of this fragment is left, to use all his efforts in science to find ways to re carpet the lacking top soils.....to manage lava to make land....To find a way to store/compress/ or other wise recycle garbage into oils for generations yet farther off.

I suggest we do not crowd our lands with people, so that everyone would be able to have healthy space and good earth.... i suggest we let the vast places that are deserts and thick forests now, remain....

live within it's space and clear only enough to maintain small towns.

i wonder if deserts will ever be grass lands again. If we left it alone....if we use our water wisely and creeped inland form fertile places into deserts... could we slowly re claim that land? ahhhh the dreams...

Forget them.

toooo many people are poor... too many resources are gone... too much simple vanity rule this world.

We need simpler lives... we need only worry about our immediate concerns... but no.. what we have created in this world.... all built on lies........

shoot even if the movie is hype, isn't a message of wisdom necessary? Seems kinda ridiculous to believe that humans haven't impacted the earth. One fact.... that staggers me every time it comes to mind..... 300 MILLION YEARS of leaves, and animals, and trees, and carbon created oil......and 200 years of dependence has put it back into the sky. I wonder what the facts are one the resources that make up Steel, and other wastefully used items like aluminium foil. I confess i love my aluminium foil but... in the interest of the world do i NEED it?

So many non essential to life....and well beyond minor convinces our production has gone into insane luxury.

Ocean waves of difference could be made if we would find some unity and make socially conscious decisions. Perhaps we can get 30 millions people to eat and send rice to starving places for one month.

Perhaps we could make our own bread... thus changing the ratio of grains needed to make store bought. Making it possible to feed some starving people. What if we made fish a luxury? It once was. You only ate the fish you caught, or if you passed a coastal town, and had a BIG block of ice.
If maybe we made fish available in stores or hatcheries, but not for restaurants. What if we let poor charlie tuna live in peace and make more baby's we can eat later......repentitivly later...50, 75, or 100 years later.

What if we Harvest rats, and chickens, and dogs and cats and rabbits? in stead of so many cows and pigs......
If we expanded the meat market the burden of production might find equilibrium. And of course available in stores and therefore small restaurants, but not cooperation's. All the left over chicken can be canned and sent to some starving place.

IF we would agree to simplify our lives....we have enough convenient and distracting entertainments. I don't want a smaller video camera i was right happy with the big VHS style one.
Stupid little devices... it reminds me of Douglas Adams when we said something about the people where happy as long as they have their digital watches.

IF you are happy with your 300 "friends" on facespace and your extended network and spending 50 meaningless dollars a month on your apps ....then you should be able to blitz your mind out while eating rice and composting and caring about things that are truly important.

The other day my son and i went to Subway. This is a rare treat for us, (we are lower middle class, it is rapidly becoming the new poor) I was talking with him, helping him decide what to have. Seemed normal to me, but i think the people who worked there thought it was strange. or maybe my son was autistic and required such tender talking with. I suppose lots of people are in a hurry and rush their kids along, while they talk on their phones. What ever happened to loving your child?

To be in his face space? To have his real friendship?

I tell ya i fear for this planet
ANYWAY..

If say, and alien life comes to the planet before we all kill ourselves, and they are intelligent, would they not dominate us?

Could not the intelligent of our species dominate it?

OF course you know that once thusly dominated there will be at least 50 years of constant fighting.
Too bad those who dominate will never get to see the possibilities they set in motion. Certainly the governments are willing to aid the world for the price of our souls. No wonder the bible said of you go that way you lose your soul... You lose all the RIGHT to enjoy those things that are the Majesty of being human.

Sure the world will survive and perhaps people to .. just in the nic of time by our green socialism. But will we ever advance?

It is so bad that in order to do right by mother earth we need to repent and give up raping her, and eat only the barest needed, because she is tired... she is sick... and she is very PISSED.

But we are Human....that means we will do too little too late, we will not all "agree" until the decision is do or die. We will not be convinced that if it ever will be do or die then it is ALREADY time to decide because their are infinite numbers ahead of us int he future that need this planet.
Never convinced while our air conditions are churning and our cold drinks smell of coconut and rum and the sweat and blood of a man who lives in a ti shack with his extended family. He does not have a drink, He fears starvation and sickness, he does not have many children, he is not lazy... he works in a factory that bottles your rum.

We think because we cant see it , it is not there. We will wonder who will save us when we live like that. It seems inevitable that when we live in those conditions there will necessarily be a pandemic.
conditions cannot exist like that without some newly formed mutation of death.
but nature normally creates those born immune. Lets hope they will not live life threatening distances from each other, to perpetuate mating.

I have often wondered if the earth may have gone thru this before. Is there a history we have not found? Perhaps there where survives once before. Gawd... we haven't learned a thing.

izm

The Words of the Prophet.

2009-06-03T09:22:00.002-04:00

http://thephilosophicrazor.blogspot.com/2008/10/danger-of-our-present-calm.html

I am loving this man's book. He talks about our human population problem, our food production rates, and many other things. His book asks deep questions about our governments and values. He presents ideas for solutions and necessary life changes to better ensure humanities survival come what may. He seems to speak from wisdom instead of Ideology. If your a reader of mine check his stuff out and if you like...SPREAD THE WORD. Create think tanks, cause action. (no i don't mean in a hysterical flattered fan kind of way, i mean lets evolve god damn it!)
A tantalizing quote from Philosopher8

"""""And so I proclaim to Humanity: The time has come when we must evolve as a species. We cannot continue to exist virtually as animals when we are so numerous and possess such power to consume and destroy. We are in possession of an entire living planet. Let us behave like we deserve to own it!

Let us not allow ourselves to exist as locusts, breeding and eating until the whole world is forever blighted. We must run our planet and our species in a much more focused, intelligent, and comprehensive manner; not pandering to the short-sighted intentions and cries of the unenlightened majority.

We must seek great power over the affairs of humanity, not out of vanity or greed, but as an adult must learn to govern himself and those around him when the duties of leadership are needed. Casting humanity into a more orderly and potent form is the only way we can accomplish our survival and prosperity.

And just because many tyrants in the past have used similar language to serve their devious purposes, this in no way invalidates the logic that order is superior to chaos. We simply must ensure that the order we establish serves humanity, and not the base intentions of charismatic demagogues like Hitler, Lenin, or Stalin. """

((( i can't wait until i read about your proposals for keeping the leadership balanced. it has been a very difficult thing for me to ponder, how to preempt human evil.)))

""" When embarking upon a voyage as important as discovering a superior form of government, it is essential to approach the problem in an objective and rational manner.

To accomplish this, we must first take a long hard look at our present governments, and at the philosophies that spawn them, to see the flaws in their construction. Once we see what is wrong with these philosophies and governments, we can then take steps to construct new modes of thought and control that do not possess these same weaknesses.

If we approach the problem in a scientific manner, seeking those goals I outlined at the beginning of this work, we may discover the way forward that makes our species both stronger and more humane. """"

We echo each other's thoughts on many counts. Only you are farther ahead of the game in your considerations. I look forward to reading more. I wonder what book(s) could i read that would further help me understand political theory such as it is. I would like to dialogue not just play catch up or praise each other's insight all the time.

my question

(1) Seems to me that in order to implement this new government ...
we would have to greatly simplify what would be normal life and values. We could not maintain the jet set lifestyle, or the convenience lifestyle... a life style change what would be manageable is simple.

And as we are able to maintain and grow a surplus our focus can be scientific or what not...we can systematically grow in technical arenas while maintaining our progress. And not make great lopsided leaps in the sciences but create and educate and implement widely a few advances before inching forward again.

More like living in the 1800's. Back then you had to make your bread, and pound your own corn meal... economies where basic and good things where luxury more than necessity. For many people already in the world such a lifestyle would be a major advancement.
Also it engenders families to care for good virtues and enjoy their lives and dramas, giving us creative, more wholesome citizens. (this is my little house on the prairie theory)

I mean much of our modern lives is engineered to not engender communication or precious moments. And when we go to save the world, people will have to give up most of these silly conveniences so we can feed a few more thousand people with the flour that goes in to tasty cakes.
The Egyptians had a very limited diet...we have a lot of ways to put nutrition into a pill, perhaps we don't need as much farming. I suppose i am asking about food replication huh? But the basic point is perhaps there is too much variety, and luxury foods, in order to sustain life we might need to simplify diets. More dependence on *eekkkk* carbs and less fishing, No Kentucky fried chicken and McDonald's, and good bye Doritos.

Bleak i tell ya. Our modern houses have kitchens the size of a bathroom because people have forgotten how to cook and don't NEED kitchens anymore. Did you know that in Rome, just before the fall people ate food from vendors and seldom ate at home....
such similarity.

An Askew Veiw

2009-05-15T09:11:00.002-04:00

I understand the quoting sources such as wikipedia or comments would not be acceptable in "formal" debate. But I am common and un-properly educated in the schools of personal observation, research , observation and gleaning tidbits of understanding from the understandings i surround myself with.

And this blog is my place to shadow box where it is fine to debate and discuss the wiki's which are a fair representation of the collections of mind's titbit's. IE. I argue with what is "common Knowledge" As the typical debates tend to baffle the casual observer with knowledge they are years and many dollars removed from.

I have been reading " http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abiogenesis "

When you get to the early life section of this article the begins presenting "evidence" in terms of "Suggest" "some research" and what i vaguely relate to guess work. Let's look at it.

""" Evidence of the early appearance of life comes from the Isua super crustal belt in Western Greenland and from similar formations in the nearby Akilia Islands. Carbon entering into rock formations has a concentration of elemental δ13C of about −5.5, where because of a preferential biotic uptake of 12C, biomass has a δ13C of between −20 and −30. These isotopic fingerprints are preserved in the sediments, and Mojzis has used this technique to suggest that life existed on the planet already by 3.85 billion years ago.[27] Lazcano and Miller (1994) suggest that the rapidity of the evolution of life is dictated by the rate of recirculating water through mid-ocean submarine vents. Complete recirculation takes 10 million years, thus any organic compounds produced by then would be altered or destroyed by temperatures exceeding 300 °C (572 °F). """"

I am cirten my point of view is not clear yet to the reader. But it seems to me when the author points to the evidence, he is pointing to a rock. In this rock it shows "time".

ok yes that information is in the rock but since you have not observed 10 million years you arrived at this evidence though math, counting the layers etc.

Please bear with me. I understand that science does grow and evolve so forth and so on.
But sometimes i see people giving all these evidences but when you look at the evidences they are admittedly guess work.

They say the theory of gravity is not comprehended completely. We cannot be authoritative that we have understood the workings of a cell. For one idea there is another.. and each idea does have evidence that suggests thus and such.

AM i off base here?

intelligent guess work.

My other question is ' is there a science that collaborates all the various sciences in to congruity?

and When someone says in rebuttal to the creationist "They think that the laws they observe here have to be true for everywhere" ...does he not eat crow? As science is baffled when the laws of physics break down at the singularity. Oh i bet the person was thinking about the bible.

Here is a tidbit from to and from the comments section of this: http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn13615-evolution-myths-everything-is-an-adaptation.html

The Person's interpretation of the scientist says: " The scientist says 'this is as good as good as i can get, this theory. Everyone else, whack at it like a pinata and lets see if we can make it better, or disprove my theory and come up with a better one based on evidence.' "

The Agnostic answers "Sounds good and fair. I take issue that your evidence is very like when we look at the sun and watch it move, and then base the science of navigation on it.
And you will only change your mind if i can come up with a study that suggests a flaw in your theory. Or a study that suggests something of my own theory.

But i read in to this remark a little more since to my observation much of what we "know" is arrived at by abstract means, and the Stephen-Urey experiment has yet to create intelligent life, that what you really need is evidence yourselves, you have theories that contradict and sciences that clash. One side of science creating ways to preserve life and another that seeks better ways to exterminate it.

So basically you are asking your would be debater to prove your theory then dis-prove it; or to fail to prove your theory and suggest it is flawed. But science has not proven any of its theories... the theory of relativity is not yet the LAW of relativity. '

Anyway....

The person's interpretation of the intelligent designer says: " The intelligent designer says 'This is how things are made by men on earth. Therefore the universe must be subject to the same laws, so someone intelligent -by man's definition of that word.- must have made the universe.' "

The Agnostic groans and rolls her eyes. "How correct they are."

" alright dude.... great over use of the word "man" to make the ID'er sound all brain washy. And Doesn't physics expect that their laws would be true in the universe? I am sure they might have a theoretical science out there working with "imaginary digits" (please read Stephen Hawkins history of time)

Anyway......

The person to respond to his interpretation of the ID'er says: " There's not really any arguing with that or analyzing it to see if it holds water, because it's based on a closely held philosophical belief, as well as to some extent a desire for that to be true."

The Agnostic sympathises. That must really suck. How many mitosis's have you observed? in order for you to do anything but accept with blind faith your science information you would never be finished with college. And you would , if you look hard enough always find questions.

I understand, being finite humans the mind cannot take in all that knowledge. And the testing procedures would be impossible. i sure wouldn't want to live always proving stuff before i can enjoy it in simplicity. And most humans at some point decide their understanding complete enough to merit FAITH in the seeming general direction of the EVIDENCE.

What spark is it in ourselves that seeks to intelligently design our worlds? And Intelligently reverse engineer the materials at his disposal to see if he can make it for himself?

Is that self reflective and outwardly expressive spark something of divinity? Something of the origin's making?

Evolution vs Scientific er "intelligent" Design

2009-05-12T21:24:00.008-04:00

These are my comments about the Film "Expelled no Intelligence Allowed"

I had never realised how very like the dark ages of yore we modern humans are. I cannot understand why we wont agree that there are some questions we haven't the intelligence nor information enough to discuss with naught but awed curiosity and theory.

We are only able to be conscious of the effect of the "creation" we can only observe the mechanics of the things we see and think, and know only the parts of it and the idea of it that inspire our vision.

What i take form this film is the awareness of how most arguments are won by the attrition of ridicule. Arguments and violence comes from being too proud to admit fallibility. Yet ... to be able to be a person of wisdom and harmony would be truly infallible demeanor For it will always be revising itself and discarding the pettiness which we call Logical.

SO the next time i see amature yet verbally faithful little sci-Nazi's battering a poor faithful soul saying " so do you believe in a child killing god?" That man can answer no but ultimately you do... do you believe in natural selection? How about human assisted natural selection?

Ehh i'd still some how lose the argument by...equivocating.. god bless you.

For alittle clarity to my individual point of view... and perhaps other ways of defending it ..the following articles support me... (er not directly... i am just doing that "right guys" human thing.)

http://www.objectiveness.com/expelled/

OK... now my audience will be fully pre-indoctrinated and amiable to receive the following brainwashing.

Well isn't that what they call it when a person educated themselves in a cirten opinion and try to make a personal case to defend themselves or define themselves?

Lately i have been feel quite hostile to ward reality....yea silly business , i know.

i get inexplicably angry like i have been manipulated into premature surrender, when i see the So called Logical and Rational side using the same rhyme and meter of white supremacists, feminists, Muslims and atheists.

I feel beaten down... over whelmed with other's false assurances, where i am trying to question. Or where my inquiry would like to tend toward the mystical (ie acceptibily unkown)

I hate it that i loose the argument when i say that human beings are not logical.. we are also creatures who define themselves emotionally and make some decisions on blind impulse. We are both right and left brained and make our errors in comprehension by suppressing one over the other.

Males have always battered down the compassion of the Females. They have killed the female form of bravery and power and strength and intelligence, in favor of their own.

Simple psychotic vanity.

I mean if i went around applying to atheists their own "methods" .. if i could... make arguments against men vs women and batter them in to debilitation... just by shouting So testosterone is a blight on this world. You believe in killing others to win an argument. how logical is that?....

But ... due to the irrational vain side those people wish to ignore they would explode in rage... well justified rage because, well, my forced opinion would be wrong. But they will not realise how they are when they believe strongly that they are correct.

I am also trying to keep myself aware how different we are from each other. How we have our individual realities. And what seems clear to me can be completely obscured to another, many others. And of course vise versa.

But i do know this. There inevitably will always be a counter argument or a counter method to every which way there ever will be.

Knowledge will never declare it's end, but wisdom can be ignored completely.

I was thinking, about "expelled" in juxtaposition with Gelieo. How perfect. Against newton. You get the point don't you...

My point is that those men where correct... and even though their little ideas have been improved upon and clarified.... and in most cases complexioned.......they where correct and fought like hell to just get their observation or question explored legitimately.

So if make me bitter to hear self assured Atheists saying " if they discovered any kind of proof for god or the flood or what have you... we ALL would know, they would be shouting it from all the media." well NO DIPSHIT... they will not. How oftian does a human being consider new information. It show blind trust in the leader to think such information would be treated fairly , it CLEARLY is not. How oftian does humanity suppress individuality and try to enforce control and specific idealism? And you would have the faith that truth and fairness are at liberty to public validation?

SO if history repeats, statistically speaking the Intelligent Designers are on to something. We with the foresight that hindsight can offer can just about BET there is an "other" story to what we are.

I don't know college for this... i need... *cringe* logic.

People who HAVE REAL EDUCATIONS.... wrote books that i have read... and in them i learned that major philosophers and even Ricard Dawkins, in his book, taught me that there really is not end to an non falsifiable argument. There is no real end to the debate on god and It's proper interpretation. And there is ALWAYS ignorance.

eh...

someone please explain to me what Equivocating is....

I one made ... or failed miserably at making a point concerning the religion bashing being a red herring the issue that needs looked at is .... here is my quote.. i would not want to be accused of trying to recast my argument, or paraphrasing ...(this perfectly logical stuff is ridiculously difficult)

( i responded to this video, which is an example of the irritating argument fr0m ridiculousness that so reminds me of bigotry and fascism) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBdAHVk2feE

""""" (1) i am an avid reader of comments. I was observing the exchange between izar and darkangel.... and Dark's "debilitating" question was..." do you pay taxes that support war?" as if that makes it so he doesn't have to answer about if he believes god killed babies. And my brains keeps screaming out; but... IF DARK lives in a society, then even he is debilitated. Because we ALL PAY TAXES . therefore we all support the evils of our armies and governments.

(2) i was just waiting for someone else to bring that up. how can you accuse me of supporting the evil army, when you also pay taxes that go to support the evil army? SO the question still remains, did god kill babies? yes.. and izar could have turned it on dark by asking," do you rebel against the evil rules, have you lobbied to end evil? " etc. Face it folks humanity is not very interested in ending needless suffering. so we are all as bad as the baby killing god. Do we believe in OURSELVES?

mattb521 Reply Spam
"Face it folks humanity is not very interested in ending needless suffering. "

The most we are guilty of is omission. This is COMPLETELY different than going out of your way to kill babies and kids, stop equivocating.

"so we are all as bad as the baby killing god. Do we believe in OURSELVES?"

straw man due to your false premise. """"""

I would really like to know why i am so stupid i can't best this. "Strawman" why? Because humans are NOT blood thrisy violent evolved apes? "Strawman", because the people in power really DOOOOO care about the public well being and freedom?

Oh yeah and are you saying that non-religious men have NEVER gone out to DELIBERATLY kill babies (and towns and ideas and pretty wemon) ? Are you saying that murder is NOT a normal feature of human psychological and genetic make up and history?

If the atheist says back..." no murder is not a normal part of us. some people are defective for various reasons. " you can answer back.. "wait, isnt that the no true scotsman argument?"
LOL i had never noticed how their own methods could be turned around. (by them i mean the common person who goes about beating up belivers with their psudeo-educated indoctrinated rhetoric)

eh... i am wrong i just know i am....

they so are they i just cant frame the argument that will be heard.

Izm.

Solveing World Problems (SWP)

2009-04-02T12:19:00.003-04:00

This is From my compilation book "Zen Master's Joke Book." Which is not for sale anywhere and available in a nice decorative case under the dust in my room. Originally called "Essay 10" this was written circa spring 1999.

For some expansion thoughts refer yourself to blog titled "problems". There are no solutions, only appeals concerning why we need them. And i did not even mention global warming ( ahem- my latest short lived obsession)

Without further adu but surely some after adu, presenting .....

Solving World Problems ( essay 10)

World Hunger? Were it not for our greed we would stop throwing away billions of dollars of food daily and start feeding our neighbor. It is a simple solution. Feed Them! Just like someone once said " let's give jobs to the jobless building homes for the homeless, on the million golf courses of the rich."

National Debt? Small potatoes. If each multi-million and multi-billionaire would give one billion, or one million or even some incremental fraction of which their lifestyles would never miss, we would have no national debt. In fact if each of us gave a donation according to our ability, well we could sure get that thing under wraps. Of course there are the evils of the government itself and greed... But we are under the delusion that we gave up greed to save the fucking world.

Eventually, with tithes of all sorts to it, the debt would be paid off, diplomatic peace would ensue, and economy would improve. Heck better still why don't we forgive the money debt like we wish god would have done?

In fact with a little less greed maybe our economy could level out to 1950's prices, and our pay checks still be what they are. Imagine a new car costing only 3000 dollars. Your mortgage payments 150 dollars for an 80,ooo home.

With no petty or obsessive greed, we can all have the best of the good life. But that is not here and now. The Fact is, based on the premise that a fat cat with an extra million hanging around, or a couple of them, can save America and the World would be better off emotionally, and the cat fats get the popular vote while they are at it.

If hospitals and Insurance's where really about healing the sick instead of premiums and pay offs, perhaps the insurances would not have to exist, and the cure for aids can surface on the mainstream.

Global Warming simple.... Stop cutting down the rain forests .. duuuhhhhh( post edit at the time i wrote this i had No fargin Idea how bad global warming is i was a media brainwashed uneducated idiot still)

Stop seeking more more more and start being content and enjoy what you already have. It will soon all be lost anyway, by your eventual and irrevocable personal DEATH. What is a "talking computer" against a poverty stricken depressed, fearful, hopeless, violent society, that could not even purchase the thing? The more we tighten our greedy grip, the more precious life and liberty slip away. The more we find ourselves wondering what is it all about, really?

We have more than enough in our lives for convenience. What god does it serve to take our jobs ways and make us lazy, dependant and incapable of survival without convenience technologies? If we saved the money we spend on building the better mouse trap and leak proof breast implants, we certainly would be the richer for it.

Maybe not in money, but more importantly in the soul. We could even learn to build out bodies into fine instruments, grow our food in a pure clean giving earth, and be happy with who we are.

Vanity , greed, Possession and the absolute reliance on the convenient, rule our world. WHO's slaves are we?

here is a hint....

We willingly fell into the trap of technology, and human sin. And the really sad fact is that we can change this in a moment. If we where not too afraid to get off out fat assess.

Another way to say it is...

Let's live our religions for a change, and give and learn and understand. Without seeking for a return and therefore we can be blessed with true lasting peace.

~ fin ~

Well, a few things have changed for me in a decade. I have kinda accepted greed as a human thing we aren't about to give up anytime soon.

But i wanted to put that up because i had some solving world problems ideas......

well OK ONE.....

Look man we got to stop with the fossil fuels... but i was thinking couldn't we replenish the supply for a Farther off generation?

If we could find a deep cavern, or some places we could land fill with our dead, our trash, our lawn clippings, or a place to pump fresh turkey-made diesel product , into deep earth storage....... well would that have any useful goodness in it?

And well i still got nothing on global warming, just a better education about all the crap i could not even begin to solve with my measly essay.

Anyway this blog is open ended for me, in case i get anymore ideas....remember that the only stupid question is the one you don't try to ask.

See ya Around.

Hi post script.......

OK i looked about concerning Global warming, and frankly it is too large for little ole me to obsess about. But i found a series of arguements that suggest that the price for doing nothing far outweigh the price of doing something to end our c02 use.

Some people tell me if yellowstone blows all the protclastic crap would put more into the atmosphere than our cars..... some people tell me that during the age of the volcanos as much co2 was put in the air as we have now. People will make any excuess but to me they wont see how our last 200 years kinda pushed the barre on c02's.

Of course had i been back there in the begining of the industrial age, i might have argued then that we need to produce other means of energy. But then again i was not there......

Here is my link to about 6 hours of engauging and entertaining geekly argument for action.

The Manpollo Project....
http://manpollo.org/education/videos/videos.html